1000 Awesome Things

If you haven’t checked out the blog 1000 Awesome Things, please do. I admire his outlook on life, what a great way to get through every day…..pick out the awesome things! Add humor and your days will be nothing short of spectacular.

I laughed hysterically when I saw #44 which is Your First Record, Tape or CD. Mine was Poison, Look What The Cat Dragged In cassette tape. I still remember what it looked like and how excited I was to get it home to play it in my Sony dual cassette and record player. Oh yeah, I know, super high-class.

I still love that music and have been to see Brett Michaels 3 times. Yes, I said 3 times. Such a great place for people watching.

I better stop typing before I tell you something really embarrassing.

Products That Don’t Work

I just went down to put laundry in the dryer and immediately thought about this post when I opened the dryer door and spotted the dryer bar. Have you ever purchased a product that promised to make your life easier but it didn’t? Me too!! In fact, more times than I care to admit.

This dry bar is the current object of my non-affection. This product states you can stick it on the inside of your dryer and you won’t have to use dryer sheets for three months. Well, two loads of laundry in and I’m pulling out my bullshit card. The first two loads came out of the dryer so full of static I almost started a fire. Then what do you do? Carry around static guard and spray yourself all day? I don’t think so Clark, that’s not an attractive smell. I now have to put dryer sheets in with each load as well so it’s actually costing me more instead of saving me anything.

The worst part of this product is it came in a 3-pack. Maybe I was supposed to stick all three of these bars in the dryer at one time, I still have my doubts whether they would work. What in the sam-hell am I going to do with two more of these worthless things? Perhaps I could put them out and the critter will eat them and electrocute itself. Ohhh, that’s not a bad idea, although I haven’t heard hide nor hair from the critter since it ate my paper towels. Perhaps I’ll put them out anyway, at least the basement might smell good. Definitely not buying those again.

The Funk

Today was one of those days. I bartended last night so didn’t go to sleep until 4:00 AM and was awake at 7:30 AM. The only good thing about that is I didn’t wake up between 2:00 and 2:30 because I was already awake!!

I made a mistake today and did my taxes. That is what made today one of those days. I’m not a happy camper. Enough about the IRS, it put me further in a funk. I have to admit, I’ve been in a funk for a couple of weeks, you know, something just isn’t right.

I have standbys of what gets me out of a funk. Those things I go to in order to get me into a different state of mind. Some of them work short term and some of them work permanently. My first standby is people. A chat with Idaho, a text to a good friend, a chat with my sister, a trip to the grocery store and in desperate times, a trip to Wal-Mart. It always helps when I can get a quick-fix ego boost because I could be one of ‘those people’.

Well, those things have helped but something has lingered. I feel good while all those things are going on but then slowly slip back into oblivion. This evening I decided to catch up on some emails I haven’t read, you know, forwards from people that sometimes you don’t look at or sometimes you save them until later. I went through 20 or so today and ran into one with pictures of animals.

I do like animals, I do not own any. There are days I can hardly take care of myself let alone keeping something else alive so I just enjoy looking at other people’s animals. I found some great ones in an email today that I believe pushed me over the edge to get me out of my funk. I have no idea who to give credit to for all but one of these photos as the email had been forwarded more than several times.

This is how I felt at 7:30 AM this morning, I would dare to bet I looked something like this as well, minus the broccoli.

I love the look on the face of the one that isn’t shoving fruit into his mouth. It also looks like these are Siamese Twins and obviously the little one has lost the fight for most of the food.

Who put this dog in this swing? I have felt like this many times.

This was me when I had my cold.

This is my friend’s dog. There’s a couple things here. I don’t know that the Twins jersey quite fits him and I don’t think he’s happy to have it on. This is one of my go-to photos to make me giggle.

After my standbys, checking emails and sharing photos with all of you, I think my funk is pretty much out the window.

Hair Cuts

I want to preface this post by saying I love the girl who cuts my hair and I think she works her tail off. Those people stand on their feet all day and listen to people complain, gossip, brag and yell at their kids who are waiting or them.

With that being said, why are haircuts such a pain in the butt? I am currently in desperate need of a haircut, so desperate in fact I wore my hair in a pony tail to pool on Thursday. I use the term pony tail very loosely as you can see.

It looks like 10 pieces of straw in the binder but I just couldn’t help it. One teammate took the picture to send it to our hairdresser. The text said “911 we have an emergency”. I believe the response was “O M G”.

I happened to see my hairdresser last night and she said “I got the picture of your pony tail”. She said it with that look of “what the hell were you thinking?” And then said “it’s getting nice and long, it just needs some shaping”. Shaping? Shaping? I could use a #2 attachment on a razor right now and it would make me feel much better. We laughed about it and decided I need to make an appointment.

It’s a habit for me to completely put off scheduling a hair cut, you would think I was having teeth pulled or something. Then suddenly I can’t stand it anymore and think that she should be able to get me in at the last minute and I know that cannot happen. I shouldn’t do that as there have been times I have then walked in to someone else which rarely turns out well.

One of our friends received a haircut from a random last week and ended up with quite the cut. May have been her first day. I’ll let you judge.

I’m wondering if one of her legs was severely shorter than the other if she thought that was straight. The best part of this story is he went back to the same person to have it fixed. Haha. That kills me. I believe everyone deserves a second chance but he didn’t have much hair to spare on a second chance here. He was a great sport about it and we all had a great laugh. It was the same night I was wearing my ‘pony tail’ so we had a lot to laugh about.

What Makes You Laugh II

I shared a few things that make me laugh in an earlier post and received good responses so I’ve been gathering more things that are among my favorites.

Story of my life, always a day late and a dollar short.

I received this picture for Valentine’s Day last year from a friend. Her Mom’s name is Peggy and so is mine. We are the only two Peggy’s she knows so we are the two that received this email. I laughed uncontrollably all day long. Not only because of the name but because of the sweet, old time picture. This will go down in history as my favorite Valentine’s Day card.

8PMC-planes-trains-and-automobiles-movie-melted-speedometer

One comment from my last post was about Planes, Trains and Automobiles. There are so many good scenes in that movie but this is one of my favorites. It’s posted in two parts. Such a great scene, sure to make me laugh every time I see it…..along with several other parts of the movie. What a classic.

Happy laughing.

Accumulation of Stuff

How does it happen? How does one accumulate so much crap?

I’ve lived at my current residence for only three years. I am very conscious of what I save and how much I save…..or at least I thought I was. Tonight I realized I’m apparently not as conscious as I think I am. I was putting away my Christmas tree tonight (yes, I know, it’s the 16th, give me a break, I’ve been busy) and as I was bringing the stuff back downstairs, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It’s the basement I go in every day, it’s the basement I do laundry in and it’s the basement I thought I had a critter in. Why it hit me tonight? I have no idea. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked around and said out loud “where did all this $*&# come from?”. As I inventoried the contents, here’s what I found that was mine:

Two chairs I was going to recover…….15 years ago.
Ten bins with different holiday stuff…..who needs that much, especially when I barely decorate?
A 5 ft. church bench, yes, I said church bench. I’m going to refinish it………at some point.
A piano bench that I’m going to refinish…..at some point.
A trunk I’m going to refinish…..at some point.
A half refinished dresser I will finish………at some point. I better figure out when “at some point” is.
Two cots….no mattresses. WTF? How did I manage to accumulate those?
A TV stand I no longer need or want.
A shelf I no longer need or want.
Three bins of stuff from my youth…teddy bears, toys, dolls, urgh…what am I going to do with those besides haul them around?
12 purses. Holy hell did I spend too much time in Chinatown in NYC over the years.
17 suitcases, beach bags, duffel bags and softball bags. I’m really in the WTF stage now.
Tents….oh dear, I didn’t check in that bag for the critter!!!! I may have to just throw those out without even looking.
Seven pairs of shoes I haven’t worn since I moved in….perhaps I could get rid of those??

It just hit me. I’M A HOARDER!!!!! Holy crap, my friends are going to call that show and turn me in. I need therapy, counseling, perhaps hospitalization!

I gotta go, I have some cleaning out to do before I’m writing stories from the big house……or whatever house they put me in.

The Gym Revisited

I finally made it back to the gym! It was brutal. The weights laughed at me when I walked by, the elliptical cried when I got on and the scale threw up when I stepped on it.
I have no idea why I think I can take a month off, jump on the elliptical, go great guns and do it for the same length of time and speed I was doing it when I quit. Shit just doesn’t work that way.

By the time 20 minutes ticked off the clock it seemed like an hour and I was sweating like a whore workin’ two beds. My legs hurt, my butt hurt and my shoulder hurt. “Your shoulder?” you may ask, yes, even my shoulder got in on the action, it was time to get off before someone had to call 911. I was not wearing a proper outfit to be greeted by potentially hot EMTs.

I will ice my body, take pain pills, brave the elements and return tomorrow for more punishment. I will survive……hopefully.

I will let you know how it goes.

The Fundraiser

Another great function over and done with. We went, we saw, we conquered.

My day started out a little rough, I was due to be at a Toastmasters function around 7:30 AM and that’s tough to do when you’re clock says 7:37 when you open your eyes! Blood pressure up, curse words flying and feet moving. What a way to get your blood pumping. As you know, I don’t sleep when I’m supposed to, instead my body eventually gives up and I sleep when I shouldn’t. I made it shortly after 8:00 AM with agendas in hand and got through officer training and my introduction of a speaker.

Whew, now it’s on to the fundraiser and making sure silent auction items are displayed and organized for optimal viewing, meat and cheese trays are sliced and put together, buns are cut and the raffle prizes are ready to go.

As usual, very few things go off without a hitch. The first issue was “will the meatballs be done on time?” Probably not, let’s move the food to 6:30. No problem, people were still filing in and nobody was starving to death.

Second issue, “will the microphone be hooked up by the band in time for us to draw for the first raffle prizes at 6:00PM”? Absolutely not, no way, no how. The food tables were in the way of where the sound board was supposed to be. Figure it out, I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve run into a little hitch in your giddy-up while setting up the sound. 45 minute delay, not a show stopper though, people were at least eating. Then it’s decided, we’re going to start the drawings anyway.

“What? Start the drawings? Without a microphone? In a bar that holds a couple hundred people?” Those were my first questions as the MC, legitimate I thought. Ok, so we improvised. We worked it like a volunteer group would work a sand-bagging effort, I shouted the number, someone shouted it again and someone shouted it at the front of the bar. At this rate, my voice wasn’t going to last long and we were never going to give away the hundreds of prizes we had. Good thing it was only about 10 minutes or I would have had to throw in the towel early.

A microphone in hand, food in my belly and prizes to give away, there was no stopping me now. We did well giving away 15 to 20 raffle prizes every hour during the band’s breaks. Getting everyone to pay attention, even when you have a microphone, is another challenge but one that we won’t fix any time soon. People talking to others they haven’t seen for a while and there’s drinking involved. Other than that, issues were over.

Between drawings was the best part of the night for me. Myself and a few others stayed close to the band where the tickets were housed. I was home base for those selling tickets so staying put was a necessity and a pleasure. I had front row seats to the dancers! For someone like me this is like Christmas.

This particular bar, in this particular part of town is always a prime spot for people watching. One of the reasons I work there is because it’s an ego boost for me. I feel so good about myself when I leave there, almost like the state fair only on a smaller scale. If there’s any ‘normal’ regulars reading this, I’m not talking about you.

The dancing starts toward the end of the first set. You’ve all seen the one who starts it, long hair, combed with a pork chop yesterday, out there by herself, flailing around like she might be having a seizure. I thought at first it was some sort of rain dance but after a few songs I realized that’s just how she dances. No wonder she was dancing alone, a partner would have been beaten and bruised with the swinging arms and flipping hair.

She’s like the grand master of the parade, once she goes by, the parade can start. Well, the parade started, Parade of the Mutants that is. The couple who hasn’t danced for years, him with only one leg that bends sort of to the music and her with no legs or arms that bend. Then you have the couple who were teenagers in the 80’s, still dancing the same way and they think they know the words to the song, raising their arms when they think the chorus starts and they’re about 15 seconds too early. It doesn’t bother them though, they just keep going.

You’ll then see the princess, you know her, she’s dancing by herself but her boyfriend/husband is watching from the sidelines. This weird little mating ritual goes on through several songs and maybe even a couple of sets. It gets more and more x-rated as the evening goes on. She has of course gathered more than her husband as a crowd, some poking fun, some admirers.

And finally, there’s THAT GUY, there he is, in his 60’s and he’s finally had enough to drink to ask all the ‘pretty girls’ to dance. He moves, not necessarily at the appropriate times, but he moves. He’s a toucher and almost looks like a predator on the dance floor shuffling after his latest victim, I mean dance partner. He will provide entertainment until the band stops. Sometimes, he will continue once the jukebox starts if you’re lucky, he’s shed his sweatshirt and his hat to get down to serious business. The bartenders are watching close in case an ambulance is needed.

After the dancers start the night goes fast. Raffles, laughs, people watching, ego boosting and more laughs. Before I know it the night wraps up. Exhausted, pleased with the outcome and feeling good about myself because I’m still upright, I have all my teeth and I’m going home wearing all my clothes. What a great night.

I’m Jealous of My Dog

To start this off I better tell you that I don’t have a dog and I will probably never have a dog. We had dogs while I was growing up but as an adult, I’ve been dogless.

A few weeks ago I heard a coworker of mine say “I’m jealous of my dog”. We laughed and I told her I was going to write about that and she thought it would be a good idea. Here are the reasons I would be (and she is) jealous of a dog:

People tell dogs stuff and who can they tell? No one. They’re the perfect therapist because no human speaks dog.
Dogs can do their business in front of anyone, no need to be shy or worrying about leaving the door open.
Dogs get their belly, back, ears and butt scratched without having to ask.
Dogs never have to worry about saying something they shouldn’t. You know, sometimes we use our external voice when we should use our internal voice.
When it itches, dogs scratch it, no questions, no worries, no embarrassment.
Dogs can take several naps a day and they’re not judged, it’s expected. Hell, if they don’t want to get out of bed they don’t have to.
Dogs don’t have to do dishes, clean the bathroom, do laundry, pay bills or drive the car. Someone else does all of that for them. A complete lack of responsibility.
Dogs don’t have to go to work every day, they’re job is to look cute, wag their tail and love their owner. If a dog does have to work, it’s really not work to them, it’s fun.
Dogs love you unconditionally, your flaws don’t matter to them.
They can stick their heads out the car window without being embarrassed about what it does to their hair.
Enjoying the simple things in life, like ice cubes, the first snowfall, fetching a ball, chasing cars, you know, the simple things.
Being blamed for bad gas and no one knows whether you actually did it or not. You just always have the look of ‘Who me?’ And then bark at the neighbor lady who is standing next to you so your owner knows she really did it.
We’re not even going to talk about the promiscuity.

I’m sure there are hundreds of more specific reasons but that’s what I’ve got so far.

Sleepless in Wisconsin V

Here we go again, after a couple of hours of sleep I’m sitting on the couch and have been attempting to watch TV for over an hour. Tonight I’m not only wide awake but I’m restless which isn’t good. I’m thankful at this moment the grocery store isn’t open or I would be there with my list, coupons, bad hair and inappropriate outfit. Yes, I could go to Wal-Mart but that would be tragic, completely tragic, as I would end up in the next people of Wal-Mart email. Some of those people already hit too close to home, I don’t actually need to be one of them.

I watched college football a good portion of the day today so Sports Center is out of the question and I’m sure I don’t have to reiterate why that is. My channel surfing went well beyond my normal limits and I’m watching Comedy Central. Not that I don’t ever watch Comedy Central, it just happens to be in the channels I rarely get to and tend to forget about. I’m enamored by the commercials on this station.

The commercials that are on at 3:30 in the morning are kind of crazy. Did you know that Jimmy Johnson does a commercial for Extenze? Seriously Jimmy, Extenze? I don’t even know what to say about that. Are you really that hard up for money? I bet one of my next posts will be another one about search engine terms, some poor guy trying to find out how to enhance his sex life is going to find this blog because I’m flabbergasted by Jimmy Johnson. Sorry buddy.

Along with Jimmy there are tons of commercials for a chat line of some sort. Apparently this isn’t a date line, it’s a phone call with benefits. And the commercials aren’t for the same one, there’s several numbers, I wonder if it’s really the same people answering all of those numbers. They show these sexy men and women on the commercials and you know darn well the people actually answering the phones do not look like that. There’s a good chance they’re toothless home bodies that haven’t showered in three days. Sexy huh?

There’s two other commercials that are completely disturbing to me this morning. One is for something called Forever Lazy which seems to be one piece pajamas. Ok people, I understand we might want these; however, the commercial shows people running through a field, having drinks with the neighbors and having dinner with the family. What? You couldn’t put actual clothes on to do those things? I really think they could have stopped with the scenario of watching movies at home and being snuggled up on the couch because I’m pretty sure that’s the only place anyone is going to wear this thing.

The second commercial is for something called Good Vibrations or something like that. This is a personal item for women. Ok, fine. The commercial shows a woman getting this in the mail and talking to her neighbor about it. This is not something I’d be sharing with my neighbor, let alone standing on the street opening the package for the world to see. Again, can’t we think of better scenarios to portray this product? No matter how good this product is I’m most likely not going to be talking about it and showing it to my neighbor.

I’m afraid if I keep watching there will be more so I better attempt to get some sleep. It’s after 4:00 AM and people are actually getting up for the day. Maybe I’ll read and stay up until the grocery store at 6:00. Hmmmm.