Moving to Wisconsin

*Picture courtesy of Drink Wisconsinably

I agree wholeheartedly with Lewis here. I moved to Wisconsin from Minnesota in 2003 and I was in some sort of an initiation that I was completely unaware of.

I found an unofficial list of skill levels that probably covers it:
Newbie, Novice, Rookie, Beginner, Talented, Skilled, Intermediate, Seasoned, Proficient, Experienced, Advanced, Expert, Professional

Now, I was no stranger to drinking…or at least I thought…..I would have told anyone I was expert level, hands down, no arguing. Let me tell you, I was completely WRONG and was proven wrong daily. Yes, I said it, daily. It was brutal, it was fun, it was stupid, it was some of the best years of my life, it was humiliating, it was exhilarating. I made some of the best friends a girl could ask for and I learned many life lessons. I lived….barely, and I passed the class that I never even enrolled in (it’s an automatic enrollment when you get a permanent residence in WI, I think it’s in the small print at the DMV when you get your WI driver’s license).

Recently I had two conversations that reminded me of all of this:

First (reminiscing about bars that no longer exist)
Me: We closed down the bar six nights a week when I first moved here.

Him: Hmmmmm

Me: You don’t believe me or maybe you don’t remember (while laughing)?

Him: Oh, I remember, just trying to think of what we did on day seven.

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Second Conversation (while out for happy hour with long time work friends):

Me: When I first moved here and we sat next to each other at work, you asked me “are you going to smell like booze everyday”?

Her: I asked you that???

Me: Yes, you did.

Here: How did I dare do that?

Me: No idea but I’m assuming because I smelled like booze every single day.

Her: What was your answer?

Me: “Yes, apparently I am.”

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In hindsight my best guess is I was probably at the skill level “seasoned” which is somewhere between an advanced and professional level in Minnesota.

Now, I’m not saying all Minnesotans can’t handle moving to Wisconsin, there are anomalies to everything, and I know some of those anomalies, but I’m saying it’s a whole different world over here.

This also pertains to cheese. I’m not joking, the amount of cheese that is included in every meal, every appetizer, breakfast, snack, brunch, lunch, dinner, late night snack, I could go on is absolutely off the charts! That’s a different initiation and includes a doctor visit or two if you’re not careful!

Facebook Makes Me Crabby

“Facebook Makes Me Crabby” – was a post from one of my friends awhile ago.

I wholeheartedly agree. This was my response to her post “I know what you mean Lisa. I think I’m going to write a story with that title because I’ve been thinking the same thing. As of this point I just attempt to keep going and using it for what I believe (which may not even be true) it was intended for. A place to share ideas, keep people informed on issues and events (common sense needs to be at work with this one), spread humor and positive thoughts and keep in contact with long lost friends. Now I’m on a roll…..I better get writing.”

So here it is….here is why Facebook makes me crabby.

People are dumb. We have given the same social media platform to all people no matter what their race, religion, gender, political beliefs or education level is. That’s all well and good but for those people who have no filter, no common sense or no sense of decency, it is a breeding ground for stupid.
It has given the passive aggressive people a whole new outlook on life and a medium that breeds passive aggressive.
It makes people dumber. Let’s share this post from someone who says they won the lottery and are going to share their winnings. Really?? Come on people, if you look at their Facebook page you will see they are an aspiring actor, athlete or just plain someone who wants attention and followers.
It has made us believe anything. Someone posted it on Facebook, it has to be true, right? No, no, that’s not right!!
It doesn’t have a grammar or spelling filter which would allow all posts to at least make some sense. Half the time you can’t even understand what the person was attempting to say in the first place. Abbreviations, emoticons and needless to say, bad grammar are rampant, like a bad case of poison ivy.
There should be a delay in publishing. If you still want to say that stupid, idiotic, asinine thing in 2 hours, go right ahead but you’re fair game.
I think Facebook should have a rule for every negative thing someone posts, they have to post two positive things. If you break the negativity rule too many times you’re shut down.
I want to see New Stories, not Top Stories!!!! I don’t want to see that post again, I saw it 3 days ago!!!
Politics. By all means, express your views, make a good (the key word here is good) argument, post truths (again, for any of you who are slow, truths) but be respectful. We all have different views and we all walk in different shoes.
I realize as I type this list it’s people that make me crabby, not Facebook for the most part.

To be fair I better tell you why it doesn’t make me crabby.

Humor, humor, humor.
I get to keep in touch with people I never would have kept in touch with otherwise.
I get to laugh at all the idiots out there.
It makes me feel like an English major and a spelling wiz when I see other people’s posts. Almost like going to Wal-Mart, it’s an ego boost for sure.

Sadly enough, the people who are reading this probably aren’t the Facebook idiots I outlined above. Those people are too busy being passive aggressive, bullying or posting selfies for the 15th time this week but I will give a little advice anyway.

Be kind, be funny, if you won’t say it to someone’s face, then don’t post it on Facebook, we’re all human, we all make mistakes and we’re all beautiful in our own way.

Spring Cleaning

Every year “spring cleaning” happens. I’ve had an ongoing draft of a spring cleaning story for years and just never published it. Today I will tackle it again.

I wrote this last spring:

One should not always wait until spring to clean, seriously. Sometimes I’m scared to do spring cleaning. I’m scared of what I’ll find. And after this week I know why I’m scared. For a few days it’s been spring cleaning at my house. You know, little by little, bit by bit, or something like that.

It seems every day I find something new to clean or that I forgot to clean. I’m not exactly sure how that happens but it does. I was vacuuming the living room just a few minutes ago and realized I have got to move all the furniture and get the hose out, the dust bunnies have nestled up close to the wall hiding from the vacuum. The dust bunnies are now made up not only of dust but of dog hair as well. It’s at the stage I could make a complete new dog.

I wrote this 2 springs ago:

Even after cleaning the bathroom…..bathrooms makes me throw up……that’s not a job I want to do. I now see that the walls should actually be scrubbed down, hairspray and condensation have caused havoc. One more thing to add to the list, which is longer now than when I started getting stuff done.

I wrote this 4 springs ago:

What I really want to talk about though is the refrigerator. I’m a pretty clean person, my house is usually in order and I do things like vacuum, dust, throw out leftovers and do floors often. Today I realize one thing I don’t do enough is give the fridge a good cleaning. I mean, take the shelves out and scrub everything down. Apparently just wiping down the shelves when you notice it needs it, isn’t enough. After we tag-teamed the fridge today I was very disappointed in my housekeeping abilities, I’m not a good housekeeper at all, I think I need therapy.

There was so much stuff in my fridge that shouldn’t have been there, including nine bottles of miscellaneous condiments, etc. from the door that were expired. Now, when I say expired I mean EXPIRED. Who has stuff in their fridge from 2009? I do, pick me. When I threw all those things away and moved all the other stuff that was left on the bottom shelf made me question every cleaning bone in my body. It was disgusting. When I handed them off to my roomie she even said “holy crap”. I said “just shut up and clean it before I throw up”. We laughed about it but I’m taking a serious time out here to think about some things.

What kind of person am I that has caked on ketchup, BBQ sauce from 2009 and a furry something or another in a dish? The fridge is going to be on my to do list every week from here on out. What’s worse is I just did this same thing prior to Christmas and it wasn’t nearly this bad. Oh hey, maybe I should be blaming the roomie…yeah, that’s it, it’s her fault, she moved in not long after Christmas. Nah, I’m kidding, I take full responsibility.

As I’m writing I’ve thought of five more things to add to my list, I wonder if we should just call it cleaning instead of spring cleaning because it’s such an ongoing thing. My advice, don’t wait until the spring, you will find something from last spring.

How have I improved?

I haven’t. This is my confession. I haven’t. Here comes spring and I realize I really need to dig in and give my house a good cleaning. Which is actually not the house I wrote about last year, or 4 years ago. So this is house #3 I am apparently struggling to keep in order. All I can hear is Al Pacino saying “you’re out of order!”.

In my defense I have two dogs, my other half, a homeless friend (who in August was going to stay for a few days) and a 14-year-old (actually she helps quite a bit with trying to clean and then gives up) who contribute to the outoforderness of the house. The breakfast bar is a puzzle holder, tool box, mail center, dinner table and all around shit collector. The stove looks like I boiled over 13 dinners and didn’t once clean it up. I have, it just looks like I haven’t. We have a shower that looks like it’s an orange color from the 70’s when it’s actually off-white and just rust coated. I clean it but not with rust remover. That’s now added to the list.

I have people over for dinner and Dog Hair is a menu item. I can’t stop it, I can only hope to contain it. I feel like I am failing in the “homemaker” category every day. And I realize something this year: I DON’T CARE!

Why don’t I care? Because my home is welcoming, it’s warm, it’s safe, there’s always something to eat and drink and it’s held together with love. Something has to give and on the nights I don’t have prior plans I come home, work on a puzzle, snuggle with my dogs, snuggle with the other half and watch something tantalizing on Netflix like the Great British Baking Show! The house gives, it’s clean, it’s just not CLEAN.

I will do my spring cleaning to get rid of the deep down things we don’t see every day, do the projects that need doing and start the nice weather off with a really good feeling. I will falter again. I do every year. I will forgive myself. I will deep clean again in the fall. And I will do it all again next year. I refuse to spend my time worrying about what people will think of my house if they come over, I will not spend my time that way.

Spend time with those you love and don’t worry about cleaning all the time!!

Nursemaid

This week has produced a new routine in our house. Jim has to wear thigh high compression socks everyday. I have been elected nursemaid by default because there were no other candidates, I have no problem holding an emergency election if anyone else is interested. In all seriousness, he is in quite a bit of pain so he has trouble doing it himself.

There was a reason I didn’t become a nurse. The reasons have become painfully obvious these last few days. If you’ve ever tried to put compression socks on someone else it’s like putting a boot on a toddler’s foot who does not want to have boots on. So our day starts out with me tugging and pulling, pushing and prodding, attempting to get these stockings on an almost 6’3″ man.

I need to mention at this moment that he takes great pleasure in watching me struggle. He’s NOT a morning person but apparently this has become his morning entertainment because it only takes him about 1/4 of a leg to start smiling and making fun of me. This morning he was flexing his muscles at me suggesting that this is some sort of a good for me workout. When I start beating him with a pillow he won’t think it’s so funny.

Here’s how this works:

1. Bunch up the stocking to a small size to get it all over his toes at once.

2. Pull it half way up his foot.

3. Realize the stocking is inside out, pull it off and repeat steps 1 and 2.

4. At halfway over the foot, adjust toe hole to be below the toes, two toes should not be sticking out of the hole with the rest inside the stocking.

5. Wait for him to get done squirming because the stocking got stuck between two toes.

6. Readjust grip and pull over heel.

7. Take bits of stocking that was left on front half of foot and work them over the heel.

8. Bunch up again to attempt a good grip.

9. Start pulling and pull leg hairs, wait for “ouch” or girlish scream.

10. Apologize and wipe sweat from your brow.

11. Turn around and put his foot between your legs to attempt to get a better run at the calf. Stick tongue out at him because he can’t see your face.

12. Pull up and over the calf. Do not fall backwards, the landing spot that your butt finds is rather sensitive.

13. Get stocking to knee. Remove leg from between your legs and wipe your brow again. Remove any of your unnecessary clothing as you’re definitely pulling a Richard Simmons and Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

14. At this point he should be able to pull them up the rest of the way. Do not mention that it’s on the wrong leg, the thigh pad is fine on the inside of the thigh. Jim now thinks that’s to stop his thighs from rubbing together. I’m pretty sure his thighs haven’t rubbed together since before he could walk but I will go with it.

15. Stifle your laughter at the sight that is him (with or without underwear on) wearing one white thigh high tight. Please do not mention anything about his resemblance to an out of work stripper.

16. Wipe brow and move over to wrangle leg #2. Repeat steps 1 – 15.

17. When you get done with second leg be sure to stand back, admire your work and threaten to take a picture of him like that if he continues to laugh at you. That works really well on the days you have to help put his underwear on too!!

I have no idea how long this routine is going to last but I’m really hoping the next ultrasound shows some progress. Perhaps when I get on the scale it will show progress on my part and there is some benefit to this new routine.

Workday Entertainment

There are two ladies who live in the house next to the building I work in. The boys and I entertain ourselves by watching them mow. It’s a great day when we see them out picking up dog poop because we know what’s next!! It’s very disappointing when we come to work and find out they mowed after hours, very disappointing.

One lady push mows inside the fence and one lady uses a rider for the lawn closest to us. The lady on the rider is definitely a “it’s not how fast you mow, it’s how well you mow fast” lady. She certainly rides it like she stole it. She also wears the same outfit every time she mows. Maroon shorts, a green shirt, a floppy hat and sun glasses. It is awesome to say the least. She’s not a tiny little lady so she has some parts that jiggle pretty good when she gets going. I can only imagine I look very similar to her when I am on the rider, we seem to be kindred spirits.

One day I said that I wished I knew the ladies and that they had a good sense of humor because I would love to stand in the window (or outside) with rating cards. Like the ones used in sports like diving, etc. Well the boys thought that was hilarious so now I hear them telling other people about our plan. We never give her a 10 unless she’s going full speed, hits a bump and her hat gets to flopping really good! We don’t quite have all the criteria worked out but we’re getting there.

A couple nights ago I was mowing lawn and I knew I was going to run out of daylight so I was on the gas in the “it’s how fast you mow” zone. The sun went down and I finally realized why riders have headlights on them. I finished about 9:15 and it was dark.

The next morning I was telling the boys about my mowing escapades and how they would have given me a 10 for sure. They were giving me the third degree on why I deserved a 10. I said I wasn’t wearing a hat but I did have yoga pants and a wifebeater on and that I was moving FAST so there was lots of stuff moving that shouldn’t have been. I told them I wasn’t even slowing down for the corners so sometimes I was up on two wheels.

Well, they stopped listening after I said “wifebeater”. They were staring at me like I had an octopus tentacle coming out of my nose. Finally I said “What???” One of them said “did you say wifebeater?” I said yes and tried to continue on with my story. It finally dawned on me that they had no idea what a wifebeater is so I asked them and sure enough they had no idea. I said “you know, a white ribbed tank top, usually with a stain or two on it”. As they were laughing they asked why and I said “well, haven’t you ever seen the guy interviewed on the news with a white tank top with stains on it?” Well, we laughed and had conversations about the kinds of people that reporters tend to find to interview after something bad happens. I think they do it on purpose, helps ratings.

I had no idea that there were people out there that had never heard of that slang term before, I use it as if everyone knows. Here I am, educating the sheltered one slang term at a time. 🙂

Starvation

I cannot be on a diet. I mean that word is crippling to me. Something clicks in my head and the diet is over before it begins. Some say that I need to get my head in a “change of lifestyle” place. Yeah, that’s probably not going to work either so today I ventured to thesaurus.com to see what I could come up with. First I tried another word for journey, nothing jumped out at me, then I tried another word for hunt, as in I’m hunting for a body that doesn’t billow over the top of my pants, the only one funny there is “frisking” which I would adopt but my body is in no current shaped to be frisked either. I finally typed in the word diet and low and behold I found it. Starvation. I find that hilarious. If I call it starvation I will be thankful for everything I get to eat, no matter how small or simple.

Day 4: My head is in a better place today, I’ve done my exercises and I’ve only eaten breakfast and lunch, nothing massive in between. I’m going to fix a shake for dinner before I leave for a 10 hour bartending shift. It will take me 2 days to recover from that shift but at this time it’s my only job so I don’t have a choice.

Yesterday my friend who complains about weight with me was put in a hospital for some heart issues, which are ongoing with her. She’s been sending me texts that’s she’s starving and no one cares. This is a bit of our conversation:

Her: I AM STARVING!! Does no one care!?

Me: We committed you secretly and this is your weight loss program.

Her: I just peed my inderweR. Can’t text laughing too hard.

It’s important to be supportive to our friends. I do what I can.

I also lied, I did not have a shake for dinner, I skipped dinner and went to work and had leftover hotdish when I got home at 2:00 AM. This is not on the starvation plan.

Day 5: The 13 year old is here for the weekend and she eats like a small village. It’s hard for me not to want to eat like her. I hate her because she doesn’t gain an ounce. It’s fine though, she’s 13, I won’t hold it against her, yet.

Day 6: I hate life, this starvation thing is going but not going. Pounds are not melting off…at least it doesn’t seem like it. I have developed an allergy to the scale. There’s a force field around it that zaps me every time I get close.

Day 7: I realized today that I will have no idea if I’m losing weight. I was hoping my clothes would start fitting me better….they haven’t…and they won’t. Why won’t they, you ask? Because our washer is on the fritz and it only works on “hot”. This is a chubby girl’s worst nightmare! The only good thing is that the clothes will continue to shrink so perhaps I won’t have to buy a new wardrobe for a long time. The bad thing is that everything of mine is like putting Barbie clothes on a Cabbage Patch Doll. It’s a delicate situation and I do a lot of praying that the seams will hold up. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Week 2: The start of the second week hasn’t been too bad, I’ve been preoccupied with some personal things so haven’t been thinking about my starvation. Now that I’m writing about it though I’m thinking about it and I’m hungry.

I have eaten us out of house and home at this point. I don’t trust myself to go to the grocery store alone so I haven’t picked up anything. In the process it seems I’m also starving the skinny guy that lives with me. I best go shopping tomorrow. I’m so desperate for food I’m living off of freeze pops at the moment.

Another night bartending tonight….hopefully I don’t faint from the lack of nutrition and if I do that someone kicks me out of the way of the patrons.

I’ll see you next week with either less pounds or perhaps a washing machine that actually works on cold water wash.

The Journey Begins

Ok kids, I need to do something about my weight. I mean, I NEED to do something. We are at Defcon 1 here. My ankles are bad, my knees are bad, I have a bad hip and a bad back. My waddle has a waddle people. I’ve been talking about this for way too long. Last month a girlfriend and I decided that we would start with 5 pounds, lose 5 pounds before the end of February and we would go from there. Well, I have 8 pounds to go to reach that goal and it’s the middle of March.

I’ve been heavy since I was done with college. Although the weight doesn’t come on overnight, it seems as though it does. Maybe that’s the thing about finally deciding to lose weight, you look in the mirror one day and think “when in the hell did this happen”. If I was still in good health I probably wouldn’t care much about losing weight. I mean, I have to have something to make fun of myself about. But I am currently truly miserable, I have such a bad hip that I cannot function in a normal capacity, the pain is unbearable sometimes.

I’ve been saying for a year that I need to get back to writing because it’s therapeutic for me. Perhaps this will get me back into writing and keep me accountable. Hopefully. I think at this point I’m willing to do just about anything.

The starting is the hard part so here’s to starting. My plan is to cut down on my portions, do hip exercises at least twice a day and cut down on carbs. In general, eat better, swap a shake for meal/snack, stop eating Top the Tator (ok, I can’t quit TTT cold turkey but I will try) and get my hip feeling better. I would love to walk or exercise in some other way but at this point I just can’t, I can’t even walk to the mailbox without being in tears.

Day 1: I’m starving. It’s day one and I’m going to starve to death! I just ate a bowl of Mini Wheats and I would like to raid the fridge and freezer. The second I think I’m on a diet I’m doomed. I need to get my head in a different place. I need to focus on how bad my hip hurts and use it to my advantage. I’ve also got to focus on the dent my pants leave on my stomach because they’re getting awfully tight. My muffin top is more like a mountain top and it’s really starting to irritate me.

Hip exercise are going well, I lay on the floor with my knees bent and squeeze my butt cheeks together. I do this for 5 seconds 30 times. It’s harder than you think when you’re as big around as you are tall. They tell you to use your core, hahahaha, my core ran for the hills years ago and hasn’t been seen since. When I get better I can start lifting my butt off the floor, that will probably happen around January of 2020 but I will be patient. That should be the year I’m ready for swimsuit season.

Day 2: Once again had a bowl of cereal, then went to town to run some errands. Stopped at the bar I work at with free drink tickets. I don’t think I have to be specific about what happened next. The day went to hell in a handbasket and I was behind the wheel. The only good thing diet-wise was I didn’t eat the rest of the day. The bad thing is I now have to work on my drinking apparently and I didn’t do my hip exercises. Let’s add that to my pile of vices. That doesn’t happen often so it shouldn’t be hard for me to give up.

Day 3: Hotdish leftovers for breakfast!! Really? I’ve also realized I’m very much a bored eater. Being at home right now has proven that ten times over. I’m on a Criminal Minds watching binge and it would be very easy for me to binge on food as well, that’s very difficult to control. I need to get to a point where I’m project oriented so I can get some things accomplished here before I go back to work. I think I could also kill someone and get away with it, I need to stop watching this stuff….well, after 4 more seasons anyway.

Hip exercises are going okay but they hurt like the dickens. I feel like a jackpot doing them but it’s just me and the dogs so no need for me to be embarrassed. They come and snuggle with me while I’m laying on the floor.

Until next time. Let’s hope I don’t starve to death or go on an eating rampage and wake up in a pile of ice cream, pizza and Top the Tator.

It’s a Doc’s Life – The Second and Last Time

I’ve really been trying to be a good boy since my great escape but there’s so much I want to learn about and it seems to get me in trouble. This house of mine is so full of smells, small objects, corners, windows and gadgets I just can’t seem to stop myself from getting into “mischief” as Mom and Dad call it.

I have some new nicknames, Mom calls me Menace, Dad calls me Shithead, Mom and Dad both call me Naughtyboy a lot. I know Naughtyboy isn’t good because Mom is usually shaking her finger at me or it’s followed by a swat on the butt. Not a fun swat either, sometimes it stings a little so I know I’ve done something bad. It seems it happens when I’m in the middle of chewing on something, apparently something I shouldn’t be chewing on.

We’ve been doing lots of fun things too. Sundays we go to the bar where I get to see lots of people! I have a few girlfriends at the bars that we visit. They kiss me a lot and rub my belly. If I shiver they hug me super tight and whisper what a good boy I am in my ear. Most of the time I shiver when I’m not even cold, I like to be snuggled tight. Don’t tell them that though. I also like the car rides, Mom says I’m just like her and sleep in the car, her and I have lots of naps while Dad drives. He says he doesn’t trust Mom’s driving so he’s losing out on nap time.

I try to help around the house. I supervise when Dad loads the dishwasher and I ride the mop when they’re scrubbing floors. I also take laundry out of the basket for them. Dad and I work in the garage a lot so I need to supervise out there too. Most of the time they yell “you’re not helping” but that doesn’t make any sense to me, of course I’m helping.

helperdoc

docontrailer

Dad also has been introducing me to new things. One of those being a ride on a 4 wheeler and a lawn mower. I don’t mind it but I would rather be running around the yard exploring on my own.

4wheelerdoc

We also visited Mom’s family far away a couple of times. Once when I was really little and I met a baby, he smelled good and was just my size so we snuggled. He kicked a lot though so I eventually had to move away from him, he wasn’t a good napper. They have a big dog that I like to play with but he doesn’t want to play and sometimes growls at me. His name is Rugby and he’s kind of a grumpy old man but I like him anyway. I think he secretly likes me but just likes to be grumpy because it’s his house, plus, I peed on the couch once.

Let’s get back to the real reason for my story. I got out of the kennel again. This time it wasn’t latched all the way after I was let out when Mom and Dad were at work. I was in the bedroom and I really really tried to just lay there and not explore. Needless to say, that didn’t work.

At first I was just looking around, you know, seeing what was under the bed, in the closet and in the bathroom. Then I smelled the garbage in the bathroom and I just needed to dig. Well, I found lots of stuff in there, Dad’s snuff pouches, Q-tips, an empty box with plastic on it and a bunch of Mom’s hair. I emptied the whole thing on the floor and ate a majority of it until I felt a little sick. I laid down for a while wondering if it would go away and of course it didn’t, it got worse.

My tummy was hurting pretty bad and I started to panic, and I mean really panic. I didn’t want to poop on the floor but I had no choice. I think it was those snuff pouches of Dad’s, I’m not sure how he puts those things in his mouth. I started scratching at the door hoping that Mom and Dad were really home and would hear me. I gave up after I had scratched the carpet down to the wood floor and finally pooped on the bathroom floor, A LOT. Boy was I sick.

Once I pooped I felt a little better and laid on the big bed until Mom and Dad got home. Mom and Dad were not happy when they opened the bedroom door. Not only was I not in my kennel but the room smelled pretty bad. And then they saw the carpet….or lack thereof. Holy mackerel did they say some very bad words, ones I have never even heard before. Mom was moving pretty fast too, she chased me all the way out the door and was threatening military school, the glue factory and the pound. I have no idea what those things are but none of them sounded good.

As usual they forgave me. The next day I was laying on the big bed with Mom and threw up on the blanket. Apparently the sock I had swallowed the night before didn’t digest. Mom was mad and then thankful, something about intestines and surgery….sometimes she makes no sense to me but I love her anyway.

I think it’s safe to say I will never ever escape from the kennel again. Within two days I had a new kennel and I see no way of escaping from that one. It’s okay though, my new one has a lot of room and I can see everything much better because it’s all open.

It’s a Doc’s Life – The Great Escape

I tell ya, being a dog may be the greatest thing ever. You humans have no idea, you should all hope to come back as a dog in your next life.

When I first came to live in the big house Dad gave me a stuffed puppy to sleep with in my kennel. I do like my kennel, it’s safe and quiet and I can stretch out. I also liked my new stuffed puppy, she was cute and I got to snuggle with her all night. When Mom said “night night time” I knew it was time to snuggle up with my honey and get a good nights sleep. When I’m good and get up to go potty when I have to, Mom and Dad let me sleep in the big bed until they get up for the day. I really like the big bed, it will be mine one day. I get to sleep between them and I have to touch them both so I know they’re still there. They complain that I take up too much space but I’m not sure how that can be, I’m just little.

A couple of weeks after I started sleeping with my stuffed dog I really started to take a liking to her, she made me feel things, things down deep in my loins, things I hadn’t felt before. When these feelings came on I went with them, figured wrestling was a good exercise program. I started taking her out of the kennel because I was running out of room to wrestle with her inside the kennel. Mom wasn’t happy and said I was growing up too fast and she would tell me to “stop humping”. Dad just laughed and said “he’s a boy what do you expect”. Well our wrestling matches would get pretty intense, I would even let her be on top most of the time, she seemed to like that a lot. When we would take a break I would snuggle and lick her up and down. It was awesome, we were in love.

One night when Mom and Dad were at work, my human sister and her boyfriend came and let me out, played with me for a bit and put me back in my kennel. Well, I was awake and feeling some of those loin feelings I told you about so I decided on a quick wrestling match with my honey. Things got a little heated and I have to admit I got a bit out of control. I was backed up against the door for leverage, giving her everything I had when the door to my kennel suddenly popped open.

Sweet mother of all dogs in heaven! There I was, stunned, staring over my shoulder out the door with my stuffed dog between my legs. Looking at her, looking back at the door, looking at her. I had to put a time out on our session to figure out what to do about this glorious situation. Through the open door there was a light beckoning me to step toward it. So I did.

Cautiously at first I ventured out of my safe haven to explore the empty house. First I found food and water, I ate like I hadn’t seen food in weeks. Then I saw the light that had beckoned me, it was coming from the microwave. I then wandered and found the bedroom and bathroom doors closed. So I didn’t have access to the whole house but close enough!

Once I realized there was really no one home and this wasn’t a joke, I went kind of crazy. Racing around, jumping on furniture and rolling around on every surface possible. It was like I was experiencing life for the first time. If I would have had any friends at the time, I would have invited them over, it was awesome.

Then I realized I had eaten a lot and had to go potty. I couldn’t get outside so I figured I would just have to pick a place. I picked next to the jukebox, it was far enough away from the kennel that I didn’t have to look at it or smell it. It was a big pile, I didn’t realize I had to go that bad. It finally dawned on me I didn’t have to worry about getting spanked for pooping in the house because THERE WAS NO ONE HOME!

I also realized the mudroom was open and there was a room full of my favorite toys….SHOES. I picked one of Mom’s and one of Dad’s, even though I was having the time of my life, I did miss them terribly and couldn’t wait to tell them about my adventures. Once I had my fill of shoes I had to go potty again so I picked a different spot. This time the dining room.

After the second poop I ate and ate and ate. This is where things get fuzzy. I must have been on some sort of food high, or perhaps somebody slipped something into my food. Because from what I remember I went crazy. I chewed what I could off of the remote they use to play Jeopardy (I hate that game), I found some of Mom’s hair ties and ate those (Mom had to tell me this one), I peed a couple times (I don’t even remember where), I was so thirsty and didn’t have any water in my bowl so I found a plastic glass on the end table and licked what little was left in that and then chewed it up, I pooped again in the living room and I attempted to eat another tennis shoe but was just drooling by that time. There were more things like blankets and such but I honestly was almost in a coma at that point.

After all that partying I WAS NOT feeling well. I realize now I shouldn’t have eaten all that stuff because my tummy was in a bad spot. And by bad spot I mean a really bad spot. I tried my hardest to get out the door to go outside because I knew what was coming was not going to be pretty. I mean, I had over four hours of hard partying.

While I was clawing at the outside door it happened. There were sounds coming from my backside I had never heard before and stuff was shooting out of me all over the rug. I was scared and in pain. All I could do was hunch over and hope for the best. There was no best, it was the worst. I couldn’t even stand it myself.

Once all that was done I was exhausted and hoping Mom and Dad would be home soon, I missed them and I needed my tummy rubbed. I slept on the carpet outside the mudroom so I could see them right when they walked in and tell them what had happened, I was feeling really bad about the messes I made, plus the house smelled terrible.

I have no idea how long I had been sleeping but I heard them drive in. I figured out I better sit up and look as cute as possible. They’re pretty smart because they knew immediately something wasn’t right, probably seeing me out of the kennel was the first clue. I barked and wagged my tail to greet them but at first it wasn’t enough.

For the first 20 minutes they were home there was a lot of “Oh my gods”, “That smells so bads”, “Are you kidding mes?” and “How on earth could that little thing produce thats”. I also heard some gagging sounds, some terrible curse words I won’t share with you and a couple of threats that they were going to give me away. I knew that wasn’t true because this was really my house now and I am way too cute.

After the messes were cleaned up and Mom and Dad had a couple of drinks they sat down and gave me a pretty stern talking to. I didn’t listen much because it was a lot of don’t do this, don’t do that, blah blah blah. Like I don’t know not to poop on the carpet, sometimes it has to happen though. Once the lectures were done I put my head on Mom’s lap, licked Dad’s hand, and gave them the most apologizing eyes I possibly could.

I didn’t get to sleep in the big bed that night but I still got to snuggle with my stuffed girlfriend. We had a quiet wrestling match to finish out the night, it was glorious. It was one of our last times together, not long after that I ate her eyes out and Mom and Dad sent her away.

Until next time.

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It’s a Doc’s Life – My New Home

Whew, it’s about time. These humans that call themselves “Mom” and “Dad” (even I know they can’t really be my mom and dad, I’m much cuter than they are and they walk silly, they don’t even use their front paws and legs to walk) said when I turned 6 months old I could start writing. Here I am with my new series It’s a Doc’s Life.

Needless to say my name is Doc, I’m a 6 month old American Staffordshire Terrier. More commonly known as a pitbull. And apparently that’s not cool. Somehow, somewhere, “pitbull” became an awful thing because mean people exist and trained my ancestors to be mean. I think Chihuahuas are mean, there, I said it, I put that out there. Mom speaks her mind so I will too. Don’t blame me for what my ancestors, who I have never met, did. And please stop shoving your fist in my mouth when you first meet me, yes I will bite you. I don’t see humans doing that to other humans so don’t do it to me. I once heard my human mom say she would bite someone if they did that to her. Please do let me smell your hands though, that’s how I get to know you.

To be sappy for a moment, my life truly began when a couple of humans came to pick me up and brought me to my human mom and dad. They brought me to a big house, a big yard, a big garage and a big bed. I didn’t know a dog could have it so good. My dog mom never told me I was going to have my own place….except I have to let the humans stay with me…something about money and bills. I decided it was okay to have them around, a dog needs servants and apparently I get two. Now I know where the term “lucky dog” comes from.

I know the house is mine, I claimed it. I did it little by little so no one would notice but it only took me a few weeks to pee in every room. Not sure how I knew to do that but I did. It is now mine and I didn’t see Mom or Dad peeing on anything to reclaim it so they have resorted to being my servants.The humans got mad but I was on a mission so I had to complete it. Mom says it was my fault she had to clean the carpets. That was long overdue if you ask me.

My humans are strange, in my opinion all humans are strange, but I have some really weird ones.

The short, round, smart assy one (Mom) is mostly called Peg by other humans who come and visit. She calls me Booger, Boogs, or Doc. She only calls me Doc when I’m being naughty. I pretend not to hear her but she knows I do. That makes her really mad. I can’t help myself though, I find it terribly funny. Sometimes I even walk away from her as she calls my name. Sometimes she spanks me when I’m naughty but I love her anyway, I just can’t help it, I just love to lick those chubby cheeks……I can’t pinch them so I have to lick them.

The tall, skinny, quiet one, well, quiet until he’s mad, (Dad) is mostly called Jim by other humans. He calls me Doc, Bud and sometimes Booger. I pretend to listen to him more than mom, he pees outside while standing up, I think he has one up on me there. It’s my house but I let him think it’s his. He’s coming along nicely in his training program. I have to tread lightly with him, he’s not as quick as mom to admit that I run this show. Plus, he’s quicker than mom so I can’t away quite as easy.

Let’s get back to the weird part. They play video games, just the two of them. They watch several episodes of the same show in a row….I have to nap, I can’t watch, it’s just too boring. They play pool and listen to the jukebox, and sometimes even dance, did I mention it’s just the two of them? It’s like they’re having a party but haven’t invited anyone else. Oh well, they’re mine I guess, it would be too much work to look for new ones at this point. Plus, they really do spoil me.

Wow, that’s a lot of writing for a dog like me, I should probably get back to chewing up my rope, most toys don’t last two days around me, this one has been around for two weeks and I haven’t destroyed it yet. It is my new mission.

Here I am….I don’t like pictures but mom says I have to. Dad doesn’t get his picture taken so I’m not sure why I have to. After the Destroy the Rope Mission is over I will go after that thing mom takes my picture with, first I will pee on it to claim it as mine, then I will destroy it.

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Until next time.

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