Winter is Here

Old Man Winter has arrived in the Northland and I believe he’s here to stay.  I spotted his RV parked in an empty lot down the street and it looks like he’s not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.  I think he’s shackin’ up with Mother Nature these days and it’s pretty disturbing.  Can’t they vacation in Arizona like the rest of the old folks?

There’s always things worth mentioning as we hunker down, snuggle up and start drinking hot totties.

A four-hour trip turned into a five plus hour trip after Thanksgiving weekend because drivers have completely forgotten how to actually drive in the snow.  Going 15 MPH doesn’t help anyone, especially when the roads aren’t THAT bad.  I realize you have no idea you just caused that 27 car pile up but it was you, completely you.

I spotted a car that had slid through a stoplight, as I approached I thought, I should stop and help them push the car out.  As I got close, I realized they had slid through the light, went in the ditch, taken out a pole and completely abandoned their car.  As if they said “oh crap, well, nothing I can do, I’ll come back for it later” and walked home.  No cops, no other cars, nothing.

Snowplow drivers will get the finger more in the next four to five months then any other drivers on the planet.  As if they can help that you JUST finished shoveling the sidewalk when they come by and push snow back on it.  And they can’t help that you JUST finished shoveling what they pushed back on the sidewalk and they do it again.  And they certainly can’t help that when you throw your shovel at their truck because it happened for the third time, that your shovel gets run over and lays mutilated in the street.  On a serious note, I do respect these people, they put endless hours in during the middle of the night so that we can have decent roads and parking lots.  Try to wave normal at them in between waving with the middle finger.

I will wish every single day for a man to be around to shovel, put plastic on the windows, take care of me when I’m sick, warm my side of the bed up and all sorts of other winter chores.  When summer comes I may change my mind and send him back but for now I will wish.

I can’t wait to see all the dog crap that doesn’t get picked up sitting on top of the snow in our yard.  Not only will it be on the neighbor’s side it will be on my side as well…and I don’t have dogs.  It’s so pleasant to look at everyday and I like it a lot when they leave a present for me on my sidewalk.  My hope is to look like a bunch of rednecks who can’t be bothered to pick up after their pets.  Makes such a great impression when I have company.  And I can’t even tell you how awesome it is when spring comes and everything thaws, gets mooshy and smells….it’s so great.

I’m looking forward to falling somewhere between 5 and 100 times.  I have a tendency to not stay on my feet at times anyway so when you add snow and ice it really makes for a busy falling season.  Good thing I packed some extra pounds on the old tush so I have plenty of padding when I fall.  Here’s to a bruised ass for the next five months and several chiropractor visits.

We will start drinking things that we never would otherwise.  I will choke down a hot brandy with lemon when I get a cold or sore throat, only because Mom used to say “drink that, it will help”.  It sure did, I passed right out and forgot about my illness.  Bars will blow the dust off their microwaves for hot totties and will stock up on Bailey’s so they can serve it with hot chocolate or coffee.

I will put winter survival stuff in my car.  Boots, blankets, a jacket, hats and gloves.  I don’t actually wear a jacket unless it’s well below zero but figure I better have one in the car just in case.  I do wear gloves though, I’m not completely insane.  For those of you who have read my book, you know that I needed those things when I found the ditch one evening in the middle of nowhere.  On my 5 hour trip a few days ago I panicked because I did not have those things in my car.  I would have looked pretty silly with no coat, hat or gloves if something had went awry.

We will see poofing out of chests and ‘my truck is bigger than yours’ wars until 4WD is no longer needed.  This time of year gives those boys who have big trucks a license to drive fast, act 16 and think women should not be on the road.  I just nod and smile, all the time thinking to myself “I can’t wait until I see you in the ditch a mile down the road in need of my help”.

And last but not least for now, if anyone is driving by on 21st Street and sees me laying in my front yard unconscious please call 911, I probably collapsed from shoveling or perhaps fell and hit my head instead of my ass.  Stay and make sure the good-looking EMTs are the ones working on me, I don’t need the toothless guy who hasn’t showered in a week giving me CPR.

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Leftovers

I’m not one of those people who doesn’t like leftovers.  Leftovers are an integral part of my life…..especially since I live alone.  It’s very hard to cook an actual meal for one and only one, so I forever have leftovers in my fridge.

This week leftovers have taken a new turn for me and I hope it doesn’t affect my long term feelings about them.  Last weekend I was at the graduation of my best friend’s son.  They had tacos for the lunch which was a great idea……well…..until Thursday.  I was so excited to not have to cook when I got home on Sunday and I became lazy as the week went on and had tacos pretty much until lunch on Thursday.

Right after lunch on Thursday I sent a text to my friend to let her know that tacos were not going to be on my menu anytime soon.  I was fairly graphic in my text as to what my body was extracting and I also let her know that I’d started to randomly speak Spanish.   She found that funny.  I did as well but only hours later when the cleanse was over.

My other issue with leftovers this week is that I have a container of roast and potatoes in my fridge from……..maybe two weeks ago.  I have become terrified of that container.  I forgot to put it in my garbage on Monday night when the garbage goes to the alley for pick-up on Tuesday morning.

The roast and potatoes….I’m not even sure I can call it that anymore…..is in one of my favorite containers but I cannot bring myself to open the top and see what sort of creature has come to life in there or whether it has teeth or not so I’m going to have to throw the whole thing away.  If I empty the container and attempt to salvage it I’m afraid I will never be able to get the morphed roast and potatoes out of my head so I would never use it anyway.  Bye bye favorite container.

Idaho is coming next week so I have to throw it out before he gets here or he will wonder what kind of a kitchen keeper I am.  My luck that would be the first thing he opened up and he’d run screaming.

Surprise Party

Yesterday we had a surprise party for one of our friends.  Her husband planned it but a bunch of us girls were responsible for keeping her away from home for most of the day.  There were some key elements to pulling this off:

  1. Get together the night before so she thinks nothing will go on two nights in a row.  Stay out until 2:00 AM.
  2. Make the party beans when you get home at 2:15 AM.
  3. Laugh uncontrollably while doing this with your partner in crime (one of the other girls) because  you measure by the handful and make too many beans for the crock pot but ‘make them fit’.
  4. Go to bed at 3:00 AM.
  5. Get up at 6:00 AM to accompany one of the girls because she has to do 5 hair-dos for a wedding.
  6. Fall asleep at her client’s house in the chair….twice….one time jerking awake as you had a dream you were falling.
  7. Get to pedicure appointment around 9:30 to meet up with the other 7 girls.
  8. Allow a very tiny woman to do your toenails and give you a leg ‘massage’.  I use the term massage loosely as I think she’s a dominatrix at her second job.
  9. Laugh the entire time at the salon because we’re a bunch that thinks most everything is funny.
  10. Go to the grocery store and buy $130 worth of food for lunch at my house.  Tip:  Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and thirsty with someone else who is hungry and thirsty.
  11. Spend an hour or so having lunch and drinks.  Tip:  Always have a house that’s presentable in case you decide to invite people over at the last minute.
  12. Move the party out to the country to someone else’s house for drinks and haircuts.
  13. Start panicking at 3:00 as a group as we’re supposed to have the birthday girl to her house in 30 minutes and we don’t have a story yet.
  14. Almost get caught by the birthday girl several times trying to make plans.
  15. Husband calls birthday girl saying he’s going to bbq for everyone at their house.  Bring a can of beans. Well, one can of beans, the leftover lunch food and a cooler are packed to make it look legitimate.  Us laughing at one can of beans almost spilled the beans about the party.  We deserve Emmys.
  16. Arrive at party an hour and a half late.  But the birthday girl is completely surprised.
  17. Eat too much.
  18. Look at hilarious pictures of birthday girl and her family, missing the 80s.
  19. Drink too much.
  20. Talk smart with friends and family.
  21. Sit by the ‘fire’.  It was more of an inferno as we had to sit 25 feet away because it was so huge.
  22. Watch birthday husband fall head first for no reason into a pile of wood in the dark.
  23. Watch husband’s friend ‘check for injuries’ with the light from his cell phone while laughing hysterically.
  24. Go inside to use the bathroom and see birthday relative with no pants on.  Seriously, she was undressing with the door of the bedroom open right inside the door from outside!
  25. Round up 5 people for the trek home at 11:30 because of the trama of the no pants incident.
  26. Laugh all the way home at the stories from the day.
  27. Sleep like a baby.

The key to success was a relaxed day, good friends, a little luck and lots of laughs.

The Lawnmower

In honor of Following Funny’s three year anniversary, I’m going to republish my first ever post. I know it’s some people’s favorite. Thanks for a great three years and here’s to many more.

This first “official” post doesn’t necessarily put me in a great light but I figure if you can’t laugh at yourself you’re not going to be laughing much anywhere else either.

Early in the summer the lawnmower died and I had been anxiously waiting for my landlord to bring a new one, here’s what happened when I finally got it.

It was Thursday so I had stopped at the meat raffle (yes, I said meat raffle) and had about 4 beers
I got home to find this new lawn mower waiting for me
I notice my duplex neighbor’s truck at home which was irritating because he hadn’t already put it together
Still excited to have this new piece of equipment, I decide I can do this myself and get to work on putting it together
Get the handle done (this is going to be a cake walk)
Get the pull cord done (wow am I busting through this)
Struggle with the bag (who makes you put the bag together?)
Struggle with the bag some more (you’ve got to be kidding me, it’s only 2 pieces!!)
Start to cry (I hate my neighbor)
Stare at the 2 pieces (no way do these go together)
Cry some more (I hate my neighbor)
In through the nose, out through the mouth moment to get myself on track
FINALLY get it together and on the mower
Put the oil in (no problem, back on track)
Grab gas can…..Out of gas  (I hate my neighbor)
Almost crying again, but controlling myself, I run to the gas station with small gas can and fill it up
Spill gas in the back seat of the car (did I mention my new car) all over floor mat
Cry again (harder this time)
Get home to see neighbor leaving all dressed up
He says “man, is it ever going to get warm”
I freak out like Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and say in a slightly demonic voice “couldn’t you help with the mower?”
He says “didn’t know it was here”
I say “She tried to call you” (meaning landlord)
Neighbor looks at me and leaves thinking perhaps I need to be committed
I cry some more
Put gas in and overflow the tank all over the new mower
I cry so hard I have to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt
Pull myself together
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Tears of anger now
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Bawling like a 4-year-old throwing a tantrum
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Scream at the top of my lungs
The neighbors dogs start barking
Sob
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Swear
Scream
Cry
Swear
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Give up and go inside the house
Call guy in Idaho (a story for another time)
He says “My God, what’s wrong, are you okay”
I say “the brand new lawn mower is kicking my ass”
He says “what do you mean, slow down and breathe”
I tell the story almost in tears, starting to realize I really sound like a whiney girl
He is trying to be nice and we attempt to troubleshoot why it may not start

and then I say…

“I cried when I tried to put the bag together”
He laughs uncontrollably for 5 minutes, attempting to talk between giggles (he cries when he laughs)
I give up completely on lawn mower and being mad because his laugh is contagious
We laugh for another 10 minutes

The next day I have to ask the neighbor to help me start the mower which took about 40 more pulls and some swearing on his part – I felt much better after that.