Colorado

On Sunday, December 15 I found myself on a plane smiling and wondering if the things that happen to me, happen to other people or if perhaps I’m special. I decided I’m not special, at least not in that way, I think I see things a bit differently and I just don’t have the ability to say no. Ron White once said “I was told I had the right to remain silent, I just didn’t have the ability”. I’m pretty sure that applies to me, in most situations.

Here’s how I happened to be on that plane. The following is over text message the week before Thanksgiving:

Friend: Hey girl, I’m thinking about the same surgery you had last year, how long is the recovery?
Me: Best thing I’ve ever done, recovery is 6 to 8 weeks.
Friend: Crap, that’s a long time.
Me: Let me know when you schedule it and I’ll see if I can come out and stay with you, you really should have someone with you around the clock for the first few days.
Friend: Will do, thanks.

2 days later:

Friend: Scheduled for December 16th.
Me: Holy crap that was fast. Let me check my schedule and my checkbook, not sure I can swing that.
Friend: Ok.

2 hours later:

Friend: Frontier has one-way tickets for $84, I’m buying you a ticket and you can drive me and my car back to Minnesota.
Me: Ok, if you’re sure.
Friend: I’m sure.

And that my friends is pretty much how I happened to be on a plane to Denver on December 15th. She’s originally from my home town and doesn’t have a ton of family in Colorado, plus, I had the same surgery last year so completely understand what she’d be going through. Trips out-of-state have been few and far between since the ‘the great job loss of 2012’ so I was happy to get away, even for a few days and even if it was to play nurse.

I arrived Sunday night and we had to be at the hospital by 5:30 Monday morning. 4:15 came early and we headed out in plenty of time. Arriving at 5:15 we were the only ones checking in, for about five minutes. Between 5:20 and 5:30 that place turned into Wal-Mart. Pajama pants, bad hairdos and a severe lack of teeth were suddenly running rampant and I was happy for the ego boost so early on a Monday.

The surgery was a success and the patient did very well, she was home with me by 2:30 PM which is completely crazy to me. I was hoping to have stories from the family waiting room but I worked and napped the entire time so didn’t pay attention to what went on around me. The real fun didn’t start until we got home.

Although Denver was beautiful while I was there, it was an 80 degree difference from Wisconsin, I didn’t enjoy the outdoors….at all. I stayed in, played nurse, worked, chased two cats and attempted to fix the boiler. Yes, I said cats and boiler in the same sentence.

We woke up on Tuesday morning and it was COLD in the house. It became apparent the heat wasn’t working when I looked at the thermostat. It was set on 68 and it was 58 in the house. Ok good. What was really great about this…….it wasn’t her house. She was house sitting for someone while recovering, so that means I was house sitting and playing nurse.

She got the homeowner on the phone and I went downstairs to take a look at the boiler. Pipes cold, yup NOT WORKING. She said she would call the plumber and let us know what the verdict was. The patient then asked “Where’s Danalia (cat)”? I said “I have no clue but I closed the gate when I went downstairs so she should be up here somewhere”. Then the plumber called. He was busy and didn’t really have time to come out so could he talk me through assessing the situation……..my response was “You can certainly try”. Here’s how that went:

Plumber: “Is the pilot light lit?”
Me: “Pilot light? Where exactly would I find that”
Plumber: “Oh boy (he thought that was under his breath I think), ok, look at the front of the boiler, you may have to take a small panel off. There is a little notch and you should be able to look in and see a blue flame.”
Me: “Ok, panel off, give me a second (as I lay on the floor), I don’t see a flame of any sort.”
Plumber: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Pretty sure I know what a flame looks like.”
Plumber: Big sigh. “Ok, find some long matches. I’m going to walk you through lighting the pilot light, it was kind of windy last night.”
Me: “I have trouble starting the sauna but I’ll try. Long matches, long matches……oooh, she has a fireplace, (up the stairs) let’s see…….got ’em!”
Patient: “Everything okay? Can I help?”
Me: “Really? Yeah sure, get off your sorry ass and come and help! Of course I don’t need your help…..dork”
Plumber: “What was that?”
Me: “Never mind, I’ve got the matches.”
Plumber: “Alright, now go down to the boiler.”
Me: “I’m here.”
Plumber: “Ok, there’s a red button, you have to push it in order to be able to get the pilot light lit, then you have to hold it down for at least a minute after it lights.”
Me: Put him on speaker phone, lay it on the floor and I lay on the floor, cold cement basement floor. “Ok, holding, lighting, holding……tell me when a minutes up…….dude, are you still there?”
Plumber: “Yep, keep holding.”
Me: “Feels like an hour, finger is going to fall off.”
Plumber: “No it won’t.”

We went through this three times and the pilot light did not stay lit, there were curse words, 12 matches and a burnt finger. During the third time I hear a MEOW and see a cat out of the corner of my eye. What the!!! Where did she come from??

Me: “Denalia, bad kitty, stay, stay here by me, you’re not supposed to be down here. Naughty kitty.”
Plumber: “Do I dare ask?”
Me: “This *&%^$@ cat is not supposed to be down here and she’s not staying by me so I can take her upstairs when I’m done here.”
Plumber: “Cat’s don’t stay.”
Me: “Thanks Tips. This is not staying lit.”
Plumber: “Ok, I will rearrange my schedule and come out and get it fixed, it needs a (&*&^%#$.” No idea what he said the part was called and at that moment I didn’t really care.
Me: “Ok, thanks, see you later, we’re here all day.”

I then started the first cat search which yielded nothing. After about 10 minutes I gave up and went upstairs. After washing the dirt and soot off me I filled in the patient on what was happening so she could relay the information to the homeowner. I then went back to the basement to find the cat. Luckily I did find a cat. I grabbed the cat, held it out in front of me and brought her upstairs. I presented her to the patient like a gift and said “who is this?” She said “that’s Winks”. Not happy, I was not happy. That meant both cats had made their way downstairs.

I gave up on the cats until after the plumber came and finished the job. Then I gave up on them for a couple more hours. Continually calling them. They don’t listen. Cats do not listen. After a few hours I snuck downstairs and found them both curled up on a bed. Thankfully they didn’t fight me when I grabbed them. No idea how they both got through the gate.

The plumber came and fixed the boiler so we were happy to have heat and thankful it was fixed before we had to leave.

I won’t go into detail about the cats getting into the garage the next day and me having to get them out of there. I am not a cat person and I do not do well crawling on all fours on a garage floor under a 1969 VW Bug trying to catch a cat by its tail. That was a several hour deal and it caused my blood pressure to go up. Did I mention I don’t like cats?

On Thursday we were ready to start the trek from Denver to central Minnesota. The car was packed, and I mean packed, and we were strapped in. For those of you who have been reading my stories know that I don’t sleep well, you probably also know that I have narcolepsy when in a vehicle of pretty much any kind. As the only driver on this trip, I was worried about how this was going to go. The one good thing about it was that I had to stop every two hours for the patient to get out and walk around, which then would allow me to regroup as well.

About ten minutes into the trip I started to giggle. My patient looked and me and asked, “Do I even want to know?” I said “Well, I was just thinking how this story is going to start. It starts with a narcoleptic/insomniac driver playing nurse to her patient passenger who takes an anti-seizure pill, stool softeners, Ibuprofen, an anti-nausea pill and Percocets each day. Oh, and just to let you know, if you have a seizure for the first time in five years I’m going to strap you in the back with all three seatbelts, shove a wallet in your mouth and keep driving.” She said “Don’t, it hurts to laugh” and shook her head at me.

The trip was fairly uneventful. My passenger was craving Taco John’s at one point and found one online for us to stop at. The bad news was when we got there it was closed for their employee holiday party. We stopped and stared in the window for a couple of minutes but that did not deter them from having their fun.

We had several other laughs to make the day go fast. As the driver, I did very well and didn’t fall asleep at the wheel once, I didn’t even hit a rumble strip! It’s the little things.

We made it to Sioux Falls and found a lovely Motel 6 where it seems the only thing they do is leave the light on. Which is unfortunate because then you can actually see what you’re sleeping in. At one point my patient dropped something from her bed and we heard it land on the floor and then hit something under her bed. That was a 15 minute process of extreme laughter and being grossed out because there was garbage under her bed.

The final five-hour leg was sunny and gorgeous with no incidents. My patient actually drugged herself up enough to sleep a majority of the day so I talked to myself and sang. Once we were at her parents her nephew came and picked me up and brought me to St. Cloud where I was meeting another friend so I could get to my car in Minneapolis. I met her and her family at a restaurant. I was a bit early so got lots of looks as I sat in the entry way with a suitcase and a computer bag for an hour. I think the staff started to think I wasn’t meeting anyone and was really homeless.

I made it home Saturday morning in time to work two eight-hour bartending shifts. I was exhausted but happy. My friend has made a full recovery. I’m sure it was in spite of my nursing abilities. That’s not a job I could do. I told her I draw the line at wiping her butt. I said I would just take the garden hose after her. She told me not to make her laugh. I didn’t listen.

Celine Saw Her Butt

This is another one of those stories that I hesitate to write because I’m not sure I can do it justice but I was reminded of it again recently so I will give it a whirl.

Three of us were in Las Vegas for work. We were only there for a few busy days so we wanted to make the most of our down time. We were staying at the Stratosphere and a bit off the beaten path but we figured walking would do us good. We made plans to meet for dinner one night and then we were going to walk the strip to see what trouble we could find.

Dinner went well and we started our trek down the strip when Maggie had a blow-out in one of her more than worn walking shoes. It was pointless to attempt to continue our walk because she was dragging a leg and the other two of us were laughing. We decided to take a cab to Caesars Palace to find a shoe store.

Bingo! A sporting goods store for a new pair of shoes was easily located. Jason and I weren’t there to shop so we supported our friend in her quest for a new set of tires. A lovely young man was helping her with her size eight and a half’s, try this, what about these and can I tie those for you? He really got into his groove when he realized she had a blow-out, nothing like a sure sale. He was bending down in front of her to tie her shoe when it happened.

She bent down a little to do something, maybe talk to him, maybe help him tie, I’m not sure. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppppppppppppp. The sound was not only deafening in the small store but confusing as well. Which type of new blow-out was this? Gas or pants? From our vantage point, Jason and I could clearly see, and I mean CLEARLY see, that it was a complete denim failure in the cheek area and continuing down the leg. The young man helping her out was not quite so sure of the origin so he immediately looked up with huge eyes, stood up and proceeded to walk away from her.

After the initial shock of the sound and an awkward moment of silence, the laughter began. Not only did the laughter begin but the tears soon followed. All three of us had tears. Two of us from laughter, one of us from being embarrassed. When she started to cry that did not help our situation out AT ALL. As I was attempting to control myself, Jason crouched and hid in a circular rack of t-shirts to hide. The rack only hid him, not his uncontrollable laugher.

I did my best to help her get the new tires on so we could get the hell out of the store, I feel as though I failed completely. I was attempting to hold in my laughter which never works without shoulders shaking, well, my whole body was pretty much convulsing. I could still hear Jason in the t-shirt rack sniffling and laughing and Maggie’s face was still bright red with tears in her eyes. Now, I’m not so heartless that I can’t be respectful of someone else’s discomfort but this was the exception, I could not see her point of being upset, other than one of her cheeks was more than peeking out of the back of her pants. At least she had underwear on. In turn, I couldn’t control myself and Jason was doing nothing to help me out.

We paid the lovely young man who still wasn’t sure what exactly had happened (I’m sure he realized once we walked out the door and he saw her pants, or lack thereof), gathered Jason out of the rack of t-shirts and headed out the door. What do we do now? I offered to change shirts with her, mine may have been a little longer. I should probably state here that longer really wasn’t going to help much, the rip was well beyond ‘longer’.

Jason and I wanted to check out the casino a bit and Maggie wasn’t quite up to it. We tried to convince her it wasn’t that bad through more laughter and more tears but she didn’t really believe us, I can’t imagine why. She was going back to our rooms in a cab to change her pants and she really wanted us to go with her. That wasn’t happening so she was now mad on top of everything else. We were still laughing more than we should have been.

As we got to the front door of Caesars there was some commotion going on so it was a bit tough to get through the sea of people, once outside we saw why it was like that. Celine Dion was just arriving. This did not make Maggie happy because of the severe rip in her pants. We watched as Celine and her husband drove up, got out of the car and made their way into the casino slowly. About that time, a cab showed up and the last words we heard Maggie speak before she got in was “great, now Celine Dion saw my ass!! Our laughter never really stopped that night.

To this day, Jason and I laugh about this incident, if one of us is having a bad day the mere mention of it puts us in a better mood. Maggie never did meet back up with us that night nor did she answer our phone calls. Just the other night Jason informed me he thinks that was the hardest he’s ever laughed in public and I agreed. I told him he was a coward for hiding in the t-shirt rack but we laughed about it for another ten minutes or so. He completely agrees he was a coward. The incident has way more longevity than her pants did.

The First Time

Stop. Not THAT first time, I just threw up in my mouth thinking about having to share that story so that won’t be happening. Ewww.

I leave for Reno in less than three days and I will be going without a computer. I know, therapy is scheduled and TSA has been alerted. Even prior to the days I had my own laptop I traveled with a work laptop. I think there’s only been a time or two I braved airport security and didn’t have to grab an extra bin for my computer in the last ten years.

There are three reasons for me embarking on this new territory:

One, our plan is to be on the bike for a good portion of the trip. This is new for us and I’m super excited to see what sort of adventures it brings. I’m at odds about exactly what attire to pack, should I go with ‘full fledged biker chick’ or ‘first time biker chick’? I’m going to shoot for somewhere in between, I don’t have chaps, I won’t be wearing a bikini top with jeans (ever) and I can’t wear my hair in a long braid with my bandana yet. I know, I know, I’m stereotyping but that’s where I will probably be eventually so I figure I can go there.

Two, a month or so ago my computer started making a sound similar to a loud snowmobile. In order to work on it while watching TV I had to turn up the volume to 47 so I could hear it over the newly added noise. My new roommate has a very nice laptop and was kind enough to say “why don’t you use my computer, that one sounds like it’s going to burst into flames”. I have been very thankful for the offer.

I’ve had my computer since about the turn of the century and as you can understand I have LOTS of stuff saved on it so not to use it is a bit odd. I was working on it last week and it just quit on me, I mean the screen went black and it shut off completely. I hate to admit it but I haven’t had enough guts to attempt to even turn it on since then so I will not be taking it on another trip. Maybe when I get home I will talk nice to it, pray to the computer gods and push the power button.

Three, I DON’T HAVE TO! It hit me that this is the first time I will be traveling where I don’t have to check work emails, be available by cell phone for work or wonder what’s happening with my clients while I’m gone from work. Holy crap, I don’t have a job!! I mean, it’s been very obvious I don’t have a job, but wow is life changing.

Although a portion of my Thanksgiving trip to Idaho was without a job, I still had my computer and still had to tie up loose ends while I was gone. All in all, I can’t wait!!! I can’t wait to see what going away is like without having to bring a computer, check work emails, check-in to make sure everything is okay or take client calls. I’m excited and nervous for my first time.

As I was packing today a weird feeling came over me when I realized I could take an actual carry on with me that wasn’t my computer bag. What do I put in it? How big of a bag should I take? Should I only take a carry on and no actual luggage? Which bag do I use? About that time, I started getting sweaty palms and panicking so I put down all the bags and walked away. I guess this is all a work in progress.

I’m sure I’ll have stories about my first time when I return and I will be more than ready to share them with you. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that I don’t freeze up at airport security because I don’t know how to go through without a computer and not make it on my trip.

Wisconsin-Speak

I moved to Wisconsin almost 9 years ago. One of the things I learned early on is that they have their own language here. Of course, I have picked up some of that language as well, even though I still say “I’m from Minnesota, I just happen to live in Wisconsin”. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

The County – “We’re going out to the county tonight.” I had no idea what that meant at first but realized it basically means the country or out-of-town. I find myself going to the county quite a bit now because I shoot pool for a bar in the county.

County Run – this is some sort of initiation into the Wisconsin lifestyle that is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. In short, this is where a bunch of people get together, leave early in the morning, get in a vehicle (or several), drive to the county and bar hop. Up here in the north land there are two county run loops, a short one and a long one. Usually the rule is to have one drink at each bar. My first experience with this was not long after I moved here and thank goodness we did the short loop. Eleven of us loaded in an orange van with a sober driver (this is another rule) who was also the treasurer. We met at a bar in town, each chipped in $20, loaded in the van and took off. There was drinking, food, karaoke (bad karaoke), arguing, a lot of fun and laughter and almost a fist fight. The whole thing was over 12 hours and I can’t count how many bars. The three of us ‘newbies’ somehow made it through this initiation but of course you get no trophy, no t-shirt and I really don’t think you’re supposed to talk about it. I think it’s a secret society.

Buying Beer – Although this term is used everywhere, it means something different here. In Wisconsin you can purchase adult beverages before 8:00 AM and after 10:00 PM. Being from Minnesota I had no idea these two things existed. There are bars here in Wisconsin that open at 6:00 AM!!!

Punching In – Again, this is a term that is used all over the world but here in Wisconsin it doesn’t mean going to work, it refers to when you had your first adult beverage of the day. This tends to happen a lot before noon. Time means nothing here, it’s a lot like Mexico that way.

You Can’t Drink All Day if You Don’t Start in the Morning – I believe Wisconsin is the birthplace of this saying. They take their beer very seriously here.

Cheesehead – Being a Vikings fan I will just say….you’re seriously wearing a piece of cheese on your head!!??

We’re Going to Watch Bucky – Little did I know they were talking about Bucky the Badger and college football. I thought we were going to a rodeo, wow was I disappointed, not being a Badger fan and all.

Let’s Go Bang on the Machines – Excuse me? What did you say? I had no idea when I moved here that you can gamble in bars. What a strange concept.

Let’s Go Have a Beer at The Garage – That’s odd, it’s cold, why do we have to stand in the garage? And, why are we getting in the car? I finally realized The Garage is actually a bar, granted, it is a guy’s garage, he’s just turned it into a bar. We park in his yard and drink in his double garage, it’s a great double garage but still.

Beer-thirty – Whatever time it is, it’s beer-thirty here in Wisconsin, they don’t judge, unless of course you’re going to wait until 5:00 to have a beverage, then they judge.

Bubbler – This is what they call a drinking fountain here. I don’t understand it, I don’t get it and I won’t use that term.

Duck Duck Goose – ????? No idea how that differs from Duck Duck Gray Duck but I won’t play it, sounds scary.

What Kind of Cheese Would You Like With That? – Pretty much any dish you order with cheese here in Wisconsin, you get your choice of cheese. And it’s not just a couple of types of cheese, there’s some offered you’ve probably never heard of.

There are tons more and I’m sure I’ll get comments and suggestions on others to share. I will do so when I gather enough. Until then, I challenge you to use one of the above and see how your friends react.

Florida – Remaining Days

Wow is it hard to make (take) time to write when you’re on vacation!

Things went great and there are lots of stories, somehow a lot of the stories I won’t write about here but I think I can give some good ideas as to what’s been going on. If I’m vague, fill in the details as you wish.

Laying by the pool EVERY day.
Grocery shopping, gotta love the people you run into there.
Sunset celebrations by the pool. This is where the guy in the orange shorts was first spotted. Again, people watching at it’s finest. Imagine 15 adults attempting to hula hoop in bathing suits.
Finding a pool hall 10 minutes away from the resort. Score!! Then finding out that Stan from NY hangs out there and he’s full of crap. Story to be blogged later.
Finding dive bars and locals, nothing beats this. They have buckets of beer there too.. what a great concept.
Eating at the worst restaurant in the area. A Dominican place the locals told us about. Bad news, there was nothing good about it but we did find it awfully funny when Idaho was attempting to speak Spanish to them. He really only knows bad words in Spanish.
Hanging out on Daytona Beach while Tropical Storm Sean is brewing. Holy waves Batman!
Hanging out and laughing with a coworker and his wife who live near Daytona. What a great evening.
Watching 3 back to back episodes of Wipeout in the room and laughing until we cried. I know, pathetic but hilarious.
Being sick from the dive bbq place we found…..not so funny but a great way to get to know each other better.
Headaches, a bad back, a cracked foot, bad stomachs, sore shoulder, bruises and bumps. Not funny but funny.
Walking back from the pool, completely sober, going to our room and the key doesn’t work. After several tries each we realized we were on the wrong floor!! Thank goodness the third floor keys don’t work on the secnd floor! No idea what happened here, especially since we took the stairs.

The best thing about the trip was the laughing. Whether it was just us or we were with other people we met. That was the key to our trip. My suggestion: find something that makes you laugh every day.

Florida – Day 1 and 2

Well, we survived the first two days in Florida…..barely.

At 5:00 AM I caught my shuttle bus to the airport. Having gone to bed at 1:00, this was not a welcome scenario. I was tired and looking forward to the drive because it would be a great 2 or more hour nap. WRONG!! I was the only passenger on the shuttle and the driver was a talker. I did doze in and out and hopefully he stopped talking when I started snoring; however, it was windy so keeping it between the lines was a struggle for him. I was being thrown around like the captain of the Titanic. After a stop at Toby’s in Hinckley the trip was pretty good and napping was alright.

The reunion at the airport was great, so good to see him after 10 weeks. Our flight was great and we sat next to someone who was funny and friendly so that was pleasant. Our arrival at the resort was good and without incident. Our room does exactly what it’s designed to do and we’re basically in heaven.

We made our home at the restaurant for food and football yesterday afternoon and evening. Idaho is a talker so I couldn’t leave him alone for 5 minutes without him meeting someone new. We met interesting people from Britain and Washington. So much so we laughed so hard my ribs still hurt this morning. We are also both people watchers and completely find the swimwear and outfits people wear hilarious.

You can find the same types everywhere you go. The couple who has to make sure everyone notices them and their tan perfect bodies with designer swimwear, some plastic surgery and bratty kids. The bratty kids are always the haha moment for me. Then you have the older couple who have been in the sun for the past 6 weeks….straight and their skin looks like it’s made of some old shoe leather. Then you have that group of guys who are on a guys weekend, they’re fun to watch, for a minute or two, and then they’re just annoying. You will then find the best (or worst, however you want to look at it) swimsuits, the oddest outfits and best mullets.

Then we saw it, the best one of the day, the guy in the orange shorts, not a small guy, not a huge guy but somewhere in between, the best part of him was that his shorts were shoved so far up his rear end I think there was a permanent crease in them. This was so good it got us through conversation for a couple of hours. The part of that I love is that he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, him and his orange shorts are having a blast.

I’d tell some more stories but I’m going to keep this clean and sober, you’re welcome to use your imagination as it probably isn’t all that far off. I do know this, we’ve laughed a lot, had great weather, laughed a lot, had great food and laughed a lot. What more could you ask for on vacation?

Vacation

I leave for vacation in less than a week! For me, that means it’s time to panic. For Idaho, it’s time for him to think I’m crazy. I’ve had my suitcase out for a couple of weeks and slowly started putting items in it. He thinks he might start packing on Saturday, which is the day before we leave!! I believe he may be the one that’s crazy…shhhh…don’t tell him I said that.

Last night I started the anxiety train about ‘forgetting something’ and packed my entire suitcase. I was almost ready to shut it when it hit me that I didn’t put any swim suits in! Seriously, there is something wrong with me, packing and zipping it 7 days before I’m ready to leave, without swimsuits. No wonder I forget stuff.

I used to travel for work and would basically do the same thing, worried I would end up in the middle of New Jersey shopping at a gas station for nylons, black socks or dress shoes. I was meticulous about making sure I had everything, even more so after my coworker packed two different color shoes one trip. She had to borrow a pair from another coworker, they were a bit big for her and we laughed the entire time she had to wear them. I wasn’t about to end up in front of a hundred Financial Advisors in tennis shoes or no shoes at all.

I’m sure I will ‘repack’ several times this week and still forget something. I’m leaving myself little to no room for error this time as I’m taking the shuttle to the airport. There will be no stopping to shop before the airport for sure. Speaking of the shuttle, if you’re on I 35 early Sunday morning and see me walking, please pick me up. I’ve never taken the shuttle before so hopefully it gets me to the airport on time and in one piece.

Here’s to a well packed suitcase, safe travels and a trip full of funny stories I can share.