I tell ya, being a dog may be the greatest thing ever. You humans have no idea, you should all hope to come back as a dog in your next life.
When I first came to live in the big house Dad gave me a stuffed puppy to sleep with in my kennel. I do like my kennel, it’s safe and quiet and I can stretch out. I also liked my new stuffed puppy, she was cute and I got to snuggle with her all night. When Mom said “night night time” I knew it was time to snuggle up with my honey and get a good nights sleep. When I’m good and get up to go potty when I have to, Mom and Dad let me sleep in the big bed until they get up for the day. I really like the big bed, it will be mine one day. I get to sleep between them and I have to touch them both so I know they’re still there. They complain that I take up too much space but I’m not sure how that can be, I’m just little.
A couple of weeks after I started sleeping with my stuffed dog I really started to take a liking to her, she made me feel things, things down deep in my loins, things I hadn’t felt before. When these feelings came on I went with them, figured wrestling was a good exercise program. I started taking her out of the kennel because I was running out of room to wrestle with her inside the kennel. Mom wasn’t happy and said I was growing up too fast and she would tell me to “stop humping”. Dad just laughed and said “he’s a boy what do you expect”. Well our wrestling matches would get pretty intense, I would even let her be on top most of the time, she seemed to like that a lot. When we would take a break I would snuggle and lick her up and down. It was awesome, we were in love.
One night when Mom and Dad were at work, my human sister and her boyfriend came and let me out, played with me for a bit and put me back in my kennel. Well, I was awake and feeling some of those loin feelings I told you about so I decided on a quick wrestling match with my honey. Things got a little heated and I have to admit I got a bit out of control. I was backed up against the door for leverage, giving her everything I had when the door to my kennel suddenly popped open.
Sweet mother of all dogs in heaven! There I was, stunned, staring over my shoulder out the door with my stuffed dog between my legs. Looking at her, looking back at the door, looking at her. I had to put a time out on our session to figure out what to do about this glorious situation. Through the open door there was a light beckoning me to step toward it. So I did.
Cautiously at first I ventured out of my safe haven to explore the empty house. First I found food and water, I ate like I hadn’t seen food in weeks. Then I saw the light that had beckoned me, it was coming from the microwave. I then wandered and found the bedroom and bathroom doors closed. So I didn’t have access to the whole house but close enough!
Once I realized there was really no one home and this wasn’t a joke, I went kind of crazy. Racing around, jumping on furniture and rolling around on every surface possible. It was like I was experiencing life for the first time. If I would have had any friends at the time, I would have invited them over, it was awesome.
Then I realized I had eaten a lot and had to go potty. I couldn’t get outside so I figured I would just have to pick a place. I picked next to the jukebox, it was far enough away from the kennel that I didn’t have to look at it or smell it. It was a big pile, I didn’t realize I had to go that bad. It finally dawned on me I didn’t have to worry about getting spanked for pooping in the house because THERE WAS NO ONE HOME!
I also realized the mudroom was open and there was a room full of my favorite toys….SHOES. I picked one of Mom’s and one of Dad’s, even though I was having the time of my life, I did miss them terribly and couldn’t wait to tell them about my adventures. Once I had my fill of shoes I had to go potty again so I picked a different spot. This time the dining room.
After the second poop I ate and ate and ate. This is where things get fuzzy. I must have been on some sort of food high, or perhaps somebody slipped something into my food. Because from what I remember I went crazy. I chewed what I could off of the remote they use to play Jeopardy (I hate that game), I found some of Mom’s hair ties and ate those (Mom had to tell me this one), I peed a couple times (I don’t even remember where), I was so thirsty and didn’t have any water in my bowl so I found a plastic glass on the end table and licked what little was left in that and then chewed it up, I pooped again in the living room and I attempted to eat another tennis shoe but was just drooling by that time. There were more things like blankets and such but I honestly was almost in a coma at that point.
After all that partying I WAS NOT feeling well. I realize now I shouldn’t have eaten all that stuff because my tummy was in a bad spot. And by bad spot I mean a really bad spot. I tried my hardest to get out the door to go outside because I knew what was coming was not going to be pretty. I mean, I had over four hours of hard partying.
While I was clawing at the outside door it happened. There were sounds coming from my backside I had never heard before and stuff was shooting out of me all over the rug. I was scared and in pain. All I could do was hunch over and hope for the best. There was no best, it was the worst. I couldn’t even stand it myself.
Once all that was done I was exhausted and hoping Mom and Dad would be home soon, I missed them and I needed my tummy rubbed. I slept on the carpet outside the mudroom so I could see them right when they walked in and tell them what had happened, I was feeling really bad about the messes I made, plus the house smelled terrible.
I have no idea how long I had been sleeping but I heard them drive in. I figured out I better sit up and look as cute as possible. They’re pretty smart because they knew immediately something wasn’t right, probably seeing me out of the kennel was the first clue. I barked and wagged my tail to greet them but at first it wasn’t enough.
For the first 20 minutes they were home there was a lot of “Oh my gods”, “That smells so bads”, “Are you kidding mes?” and “How on earth could that little thing produce thats”. I also heard some gagging sounds, some terrible curse words I won’t share with you and a couple of threats that they were going to give me away. I knew that wasn’t true because this was really my house now and I am way too cute.
After the messes were cleaned up and Mom and Dad had a couple of drinks they sat down and gave me a pretty stern talking to. I didn’t listen much because it was a lot of don’t do this, don’t do that, blah blah blah. Like I don’t know not to poop on the carpet, sometimes it has to happen though. Once the lectures were done I put my head on Mom’s lap, licked Dad’s hand, and gave them the most apologizing eyes I possibly could.
I didn’t get to sleep in the big bed that night but I still got to snuggle with my stuffed girlfriend. We had a quiet wrestling match to finish out the night, it was glorious. It was one of our last times together, not long after that I ate her eyes out and Mom and Dad sent her away.
Until next time.