I’m Jealous of My Dog

To start this off I better tell you that I don’t have a dog and I will probably never have a dog.  We had dogs while I was growing up but as an adult, I’ve been dogless.

A few weeks ago I heard a coworker of mine say “I’m jealous of my dog”.  We laughed and  I told her I was going to write about that and she thought it would be a good idea.  Here are the reasons I would be (and she is) jealous of a dog:

• People tell dogs stuff and who can they tell?  No one.  They’re the perfect therapist because no human speaks dog.
• Dogs can do their business in front of anyone, no need to be shy or worrying about leaving the door open.
• Dogs get their belly, back, ears and butt scratched without having to ask.  
• Dogs never have to worry about saying something  they shouldn’t.  You know, sometimes we use our external voice when we should use our internal voice.
• When it itches, dogs scratch it, no questions, no worries, no embarrassment.
• Dogs can take several naps a day and they’re not judged, it’s expected.  Hell, if they don’t want to get out of bed they don’t have to.
• Dogs don’t have to do dishes, clean the bathroom, do laundry, pay bills or drive the car.  Someone else does all of that for them.  A complete lack of responsibility.
• Dogs don’t have to go to work every day, they’re job is to look cute, wag their tail and love their owner.  If a dog does have to work, it’s really not work to them, it’s fun.
• Dogs love you unconditionally, your flaws don’t matter to them.
• They can stick their heads out the car window without being embarrassed about what it does to their hair. 
• Enjoying the simple things in life, like ice cubes, the first snowfall, fetching a ball, chasing cars, you know, the simple things.
• Being blamed for bad gas and no one knows whether you actually did it or not.  You just always have the look of ‘Who me?’ And then bark at the neighbor lady who is standing next to you so your owner knows she really did it.
• We’re not even going to talk about the promiscuity.

I’m sure there are hundreds of more specific reasons but that’s what I’ve got so far.