Starvation

I cannot be on a diet.  I mean that word is crippling to me.  Something clicks in my head and the diet is over before it begins.  Some say that I need to get my head in a “change of lifestyle” place.  Yeah, that’s probably not going to work either so today I ventured to thesaurus.com to see what I could come up with.  First I tried another word for journey, nothing jumped out at me, then I tried another word for hunt, as in I’m hunting for a body that doesn’t billow over the top of my pants, the only one funny there is “frisking” which I would adopt but my body is in no current shaped to be frisked either.  I finally typed in the word diet and low and behold I found it.  Starvation.  I find that hilarious.   If I call it starvation I will be thankful for everything I get to eat, no matter how small or simple.

Day 4:  My head is in a better place today, I’ve done my exercises and I’ve only eaten breakfast and lunch, nothing massive in between.  I’m going to fix a shake for dinner before I leave for a 10 hour bartending shift.  It will take me 2 days to recover from that shift but at this time it’s my only job so I don’t have a choice.

Yesterday my friend who complains about weight with me was put in a hospital for some heart issues, which are ongoing with her.  She’s been sending me texts that’s she’s starving and no one cares.  This is a bit of our conversation:

Her:  I AM STARVING!!  Does no one care!?

Me: We committed you secretly and this is your weight loss program.

Her: I just peed my inderweR.  Can’t text laughing too hard.

It’s important to be supportive to our friends.  I do what I can.

I also lied, I did not have a shake for dinner, I skipped dinner and went to work and had leftover hotdish when I got home at 2:00 AM.  This is not on the starvation plan.

Day 5: The 13 year old is here for the weekend and she eats like a small village.  It’s hard for me not to want to eat like her.  I hate her because she doesn’t gain an ounce.  It’s fine though, she’s 13, I won’t hold it against her, yet.

Day 6:  I hate life, this starvation thing is going but not going.  Pounds are not melting off…at least it doesn’t seem like it.  I have developed an allergy to the scale. There’s a force field around it that zaps me every time I get close.

Day 7: I realized today that I will have no idea if I’m losing weight.  I was hoping my clothes would start fitting me better….they haven’t…and they won’t.  Why won’t they, you ask?  Because our washer is on the fritz and it only works on “hot”.  This is a chubby girl’s worst nightmare!  The only good thing is that the clothes will continue to shrink so perhaps I won’t have to buy a new wardrobe for a long time.  The bad thing is that everything of mine is like putting Barbie clothes on a Cabbage Patch Doll.  It’s a delicate situation and I do a lot of praying that the seams will hold up.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Week 2: The start of the second week hasn’t been too bad, I’ve been preoccupied with some personal things so haven’t been thinking about my starvation.  Now that I’m writing about it though I’m thinking about it and I’m hungry.

I have eaten us out of house and home at this point.  I don’t trust myself to go to the grocery store alone so I haven’t picked up anything.  In the process it seems I’m also starving the skinny guy that lives with me.  I best go shopping tomorrow.  I’m so desperate for food I’m living off of freeze pops at the moment.

Another night bartending tonight….hopefully I don’t faint from the lack of nutrition and if I do that someone kicks me out of the way of the patrons.

I’ll see you next week with either less pounds or perhaps a washing machine that actually works on cold water wash.

 

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The Journey Begins

Ok kids, I need to do something about my weight.  I mean, I NEED to do something.  We are at Defcon 1 here.  My ankles are bad, my knees are bad, I have a bad hip and a bad back.  My waddle has a waddle people.  I’ve been talking about this for way too long.  Last month a girlfriend and I decided that we would start with 5 pounds, lose 5 pounds before the end of February and we would go from there.  Well, I have 8 pounds to go to reach that goal and it’s the middle of March.

I’ve been heavy since I was done with college.  Although the weight doesn’t come on overnight, it seems as though it does.  Maybe that’s the thing about finally deciding to lose weight, you look in the mirror one day and think “when in the hell did this happen”.  If I was still in good health I probably wouldn’t care much about losing weight.  I mean, I have to have something to make fun of myself about.  But I am currently truly miserable, I have such a bad hip that I cannot function in a normal capacity, the pain is unbearable sometimes.

I’ve been saying for a year that I need to get back to writing because it’s therapeutic for me.  Perhaps this will get me back into writing and keep me accountable.  Hopefully.  I think at this point I’m willing to do just about anything.

The starting is the hard part so here’s to starting.  My plan is to cut down on my portions, do hip exercises at least twice a day and cut down on carbs.  In general, eat better, swap a shake for meal/snack, stop eating Top the Tator (ok, I can’t quit TTT cold turkey but I will try) and get my hip feeling better.  I would love to walk or exercise in some other way but at this point I just can’t, I can’t even walk to the mailbox without being in tears.

Day 1:  I’m starving.  It’s day one and I’m going to starve to death!  I just ate a bowl of Mini Wheats and I would like to raid the fridge and freezer.  The second I think I’m on a diet I’m doomed.  I need to get my head in a different place.  I need to focus on how bad my  hip hurts and use it to my advantage.  I’ve also got to focus on the dent my pants leave on my stomach because they’re getting awfully tight.  My muffin top is more like a mountain top and it’s really starting to irritate me.

Hip exercise are going well, I lay on the floor with my knees bent and squeeze my butt cheeks together.  I do this for 5 seconds 30 times.  It’s harder than you think when you’re as big around as you are tall.  They tell you to use your core, hahahaha, my core ran for the hills years ago and hasn’t been seen since.  When I get better I can start lifting my butt off the floor, that will probably happen around January of 2020 but I will be patient.  That should be the year I’m ready for swimsuit season.

Day 2: Once again had a bowl of cereal, then went to town to run some errands.  Stopped at the bar I work at with free drink tickets.  I don’t think I have to be specific about what happened next.  The day went to hell in a handbasket and I was behind the wheel. The only good thing diet-wise was I didn’t eat the rest of the day.  The bad thing is I now have to work on my drinking apparently and I didn’t do my hip exercises.  Let’s add that to my pile of vices.  That doesn’t happen often so it shouldn’t be hard for me to give up.

Day 3: Hotdish leftovers for breakfast!!  Really?  I’ve also realized I’m very much a bored eater.  Being at home right now has proven that ten times over.  I’m on a Criminal Minds watching binge and it would be very easy for me to binge on food as well, that’s very difficult to control.  I need to get to a point where I’m project oriented so I can get some things accomplished here before I go back to work. I think I could also kill someone and get away with it, I need to stop watching this stuff….well, after 4 more seasons anyway.

Hip exercises are going okay but they hurt like the dickens.  I feel like a jackpot doing them but it’s just me and the dogs so no need for me to be embarrassed.  They come and snuggle with me while I’m laying on the floor.

Until next time.  Let’s hope I don’t starve to death or go on an eating rampage and wake up in a pile of ice cream, pizza and Top the Tator.