The Journey Begins

Ok kids, I need to do something about my weight. I mean, I NEED to do something. We are at Defcon 1 here. My ankles are bad, my knees are bad, I have a bad hip and a bad back. My waddle has a waddle people. I’ve been talking about this for way too long. Last month a girlfriend and I decided that we would start with 5 pounds, lose 5 pounds before the end of February and we would go from there. Well, I have 8 pounds to go to reach that goal and it’s the middle of March.

I’ve been heavy since I was done with college. Although the weight doesn’t come on overnight, it seems as though it does. Maybe that’s the thing about finally deciding to lose weight, you look in the mirror one day and think “when in the hell did this happen”. If I was still in good health I probably wouldn’t care much about losing weight. I mean, I have to have something to make fun of myself about. But I am currently truly miserable, I have such a bad hip that I cannot function in a normal capacity, the pain is unbearable sometimes.

I’ve been saying for a year that I need to get back to writing because it’s therapeutic for me. Perhaps this will get me back into writing and keep me accountable. Hopefully. I think at this point I’m willing to do just about anything.

The starting is the hard part so here’s to starting. My plan is to cut down on my portions, do hip exercises at least twice a day and cut down on carbs. In general, eat better, swap a shake for meal/snack, stop eating Top the Tator (ok, I can’t quit TTT cold turkey but I will try) and get my hip feeling better. I would love to walk or exercise in some other way but at this point I just can’t, I can’t even walk to the mailbox without being in tears.

Day 1: I’m starving. It’s day one and I’m going to starve to death! I just ate a bowl of Mini Wheats and I would like to raid the fridge and freezer. The second I think I’m on a diet I’m doomed. I need to get my head in a different place. I need to focus on how bad my hip hurts and use it to my advantage. I’ve also got to focus on the dent my pants leave on my stomach because they’re getting awfully tight. My muffin top is more like a mountain top and it’s really starting to irritate me.

Hip exercise are going well, I lay on the floor with my knees bent and squeeze my butt cheeks together. I do this for 5 seconds 30 times. It’s harder than you think when you’re as big around as you are tall. They tell you to use your core, hahahaha, my core ran for the hills years ago and hasn’t been seen since. When I get better I can start lifting my butt off the floor, that will probably happen around January of 2020 but I will be patient. That should be the year I’m ready for swimsuit season.

Day 2: Once again had a bowl of cereal, then went to town to run some errands. Stopped at the bar I work at with free drink tickets. I don’t think I have to be specific about what happened next. The day went to hell in a handbasket and I was behind the wheel. The only good thing diet-wise was I didn’t eat the rest of the day. The bad thing is I now have to work on my drinking apparently and I didn’t do my hip exercises. Let’s add that to my pile of vices. That doesn’t happen often so it shouldn’t be hard for me to give up.

Day 3: Hotdish leftovers for breakfast!! Really? I’ve also realized I’m very much a bored eater. Being at home right now has proven that ten times over. I’m on a Criminal Minds watching binge and it would be very easy for me to binge on food as well, that’s very difficult to control. I need to get to a point where I’m project oriented so I can get some things accomplished here before I go back to work. I think I could also kill someone and get away with it, I need to stop watching this stuff….well, after 4 more seasons anyway.

Hip exercises are going okay but they hurt like the dickens. I feel like a jackpot doing them but it’s just me and the dogs so no need for me to be embarrassed. They come and snuggle with me while I’m laying on the floor.

Until next time. Let’s hope I don’t starve to death or go on an eating rampage and wake up in a pile of ice cream, pizza and Top the Tator.

How to Find the Cute Single Guys

After years and years of research I have finally figured out one of the most perplexing questions for single women. Where to find the nice looking, single guy who’s the right age and who has potential to be long-term.

As most of you know from past stories I can meet people anywhere, including sitting next to him on a plane. Although that only lasted a couple of years it was a great experience and he’s a good guy, that relationship taught me a lot about myself.

The real answer to the question Where do you meet a hot eligible man, is actually ANYWHERE. My answer to that question is a little different these days.

I think the answer is this: You can find a cute eligible man by leaving the house when you look like hell, don’t feel good and don’t much care. I believe I have probably missed out on a few good men because every time I go out of the house when I really shouldn’t I see lots of potential.

It’s almost like there’s a Batman symbol out there when a single woman leaves the house looking like she’s been drug through the mud and this symbol tells the eligible guys to go to Walgreen’s, Wal-Mart, Target or wherever it is she’s headed.

It happened to me today. Pneumonia is visiting me again and I am currently the poster child for a “Go to the Doctor” public service announcement. I did not go to work today, I worked at home. I did not get out of my pajamas today, I couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t put my contacts in because it seemed to be too much work. I did take a shower at one point though thinking it would make me feel better……it didn’t.

Anyway, around 6:30 I decided if I was going to make it through The Voice and get some sleep for tomorrow’s 8:30 AM meeting I needed to pick up some cough drops and something to knock me out. The task was daunting and I couldn’t be bothered. I left the house in my pajama top, sans bra, capri yoga pants with holes in the rear seam, running shoes with no socks, glasses and a zip up fleece. It was bad, very bad.

When I arrived at Walgreen’s there they were, they had followed the Bat Signal and there they were. One held the door for me. For no other reason then he felt sorry for me I’m sure and wanted to get a closer look at this complete mess on two feet. The rest of them were inside milling around, pretending to shop. Needless to say they all scattered and retreated once they got a good look at me. Another opportunity missed probably.

The best part was I ran into a friend and his question to me was “Rough weekend?” I said “Pneumonia” and skeedaddled as fast as possible. I doubt he believed me. He also probably called his wife on the way home and said “Have you heard from Peg lately, we should probably check on her, I think she’s having issues.”

I should really start to care or I’m going to be the crazy cat lady that lives at the end of the block. The kids will be double dog daring each other to go trick or treating at my house. And I don’t even like cats!!

Here’s to finding the hot guys when all you are is a hot mess.

Pneumonia

This will be the most embarrassing story I’ve written to date, by far. It’s been a couple of weeks now and although it wasn’t completely hilarious at the time, I find it pretty funny now. Plus, I believe it will be an ego boost for most of you. I’m here to help people, I’m here to help.

A little over two weeks ago I started getting sick. This is how it went:

Day 1: Took a 20 minute snooze prior to work at 6:30 PM. Woke up and didn’t quite feel right. Tightness in the chest and a bit short of breath. After about four hours at work I started to cough. Urgh. Probably bronchitis.

Day 2: Woke up and didn’t cancel my plans to go to Minneapolis to watch my God-daughter play volleyball. I was convinced I could work through whatever this was, loaded up on DayQuil and whatever else I could find in the cupboard and hit the road. As the day wore on I went downhill. Insisted on going out for dinner and hopefully catching some live music somewhere. The downhill slide continued during dinner and we ended up going home and vegging on the couch. I then kept everyone up all night with my coughing. A great house guest for sure. Yup bronchitis.

Day 3: As the alarm was shrieking at 5 something AM it became clear to me I was not going to be able to attend any sort of sporting event that took place in public. I was a mess and needed to get home….some how…..some way. The how was driving, the way was hopping myself up on Mucinex, DayQuil, Alka Seltzer Plus and Cloroseptic spray. I remember about 50% of the drive. Not good but I made it. May be typhoid fever.

Day 3 Facebook post: “At the urging of Pam I went and picked up Delsym. It took everything I had to head to Walgreen’s. On the way home I’m positive I saw an alien in the car next to me, it looked right at me and it was glowing. Scared the crap out of me. I wonder if I’m running a fever……Delsym seems to be good though, feeling better already.”

As I know now, the feeling better was short-lived. I’m still unsure about the alien, I’m positive that’s what I saw. During the night things went downhill with each passing hour. Unable to lay down I made my bed in the living room chair and hoped for some good TV, that didn’t happen either so I turned off the TV, turned on the fan and took more Mucinex. I personally think the one tablet every 12 hours is more of a guideline than a rule and does not apply to me.

Day 4: The night was miserable and this is where the embarrassing parts of the story really start. I have not had kids but I am aging at the speed of light and I would imagine that is why I’ve lost the ability to cough and not wet my pants at times. This happened a couple of times in the wee hours of the morning but I ignored it, hoping it was a rarity. I was wrong, I was so very wrong. Against all I wanted to do, I broke down and went to the doctor. It took me about an hour to shower and get ready because every 10 minutes I had to take a break and have a coughing fit. At this point I was also pretty sure I had cracked a couple of ribs and pulled some muscles.

The doctor diagnosed me with pneumonia and influenza. He told me he’d do the influenza test but it’s wrong about 50% of the time. He said the meds wouldn’t hurt me if I didn’t have it but he was 99% certain I did. He prescribed a hearty antibiotic, Tamiflu and an inhaler. Told me to come back in four days if I didn’t feel better.

I went to Target to fill my prescriptions. The Pharmacist said “It will be about 15 minutes, you can go shop”. As he was saying it he looked up at me and added “Nevermind, you can wait right there” and pointed to the bench. Apparently I didn’t look so good. I sat down to wait for my scripts and people watched. As I was people watching I realized people were actually watching me. I was the one, the one everyone was staring at and talking about, at one point I think someone may have called the coroner for me. A few minutes into my wait a delivery guy showed up. when he bent over to pick up boxes he passed gas….very loudly. When he turned around to look at me I said “Really? Are you serious?” He shrugged his shoulders and went about his business. Of course that would happen.

I took my drugs in the car and collapsed with exhaustion in the chair when I got home. For the next several hours I coughed, drank fluids, then peed my pants, then coughed some more and peed my pants some more. I should probably state here that it wasn’t an all out peeing of the pants, it couldn’t be because I was going in the bathroom every 10 minutes I was drinking so many fluids. The most frustrating part is it would happen as I was getting back into my chair from the bathroom. I had just went to the bathroom, where was it all coming from!!! I was now positive it was the Plague.

I had burned…well peed through every pair of yoga pants and pretty much every pair of underwear I own. I was on my last pair and it happened again. As I was sitting in the bathroom crying while using the hair dryer to dry my last pair of underwear I broke out in hysterical laughter. How ridiculous is my life that here I sit, on the toilet, using a hair dryer to salvage my last pair of clean underwear, bawling my eyes out and trying not to throw up at the same time?

Of course I had to share my scenario so I sent a text to my understanding, non-judgmental, she’ll laugh at me but still love me friend that went something like this, “Well, 8 pair of underwear and 3 pair of yoga pants and I’m out of both because I’ve peed my pants so many times from coughing so hard. I have now resorted to blow drying the crotch of my last pair of underwear as I’m sitting on the toilet. I am too sick to do laundry.” If I remember correctly her response was “I’m dying over here”. There may have been a series of texts prior to that but there’s large amounts of time I do not remember during this two weeks of sickness. May have been due to the fact that I blatantly ignored dosage instructions.

Day 5: I had to force myself to do laundry for obvious reasons and also force myself to work. After getting directions from the doctor that I of course ignored I worked….all week. It’s bad when you have to pack extra underwear for work in case you have a coughing fit or five. Like I said, I was hoping to just plow through this sickness, if I ignore it, it will go away, right? Wrong.

Day 6 & Day 7: More coughing, more throwing up, less energy, more drugs, more exhaustion, zero food, more liquids and more text messages explaining the terrible things my body was doing. More laughter from my supportive friend and a phone call from her to another friend yelling because I was getting no help at home. Well, I was offered help from some but I did not take it because I was really irritated with those that should have helped.

Day 8: Another trip to the doctor for a lecture about working too much and not taking care of myself as I should. So shocking that I didn’t listen. There was another round of drugs, this time prednisone for my breathing and some cough syrup with codeine, glorious, glorious codeine. Once again, I skipped the part on dosage. Helping my cough helped my pants peeing problem.

Skip to day 18, which is today: I took my meds the last two weeks, borrowed some more meds, didn’t take time off work and am finally feeling better. I haven’t wet my pants in at least 10 days, life is pretty good. The only thing I listened to the doctor about was the no outside shoveling, etc. Which of course has been a disaster, I think the mailman quit delivering the mail because I haven’t shoveled the front walk. I probably should ask for help from those that actually offered previously but I’m not very good at that. And now it’s so frozen it won’t actually clean up until spring. Oh well, such is life for a very stubborn pants wetter.

Nervous Nelly

I’m not a nervous person…..well….maybe I should say I’ve never been a nervous person in the past. It seems that times are changing though. This last week has proven to me that certain situations cause me to be a basket case. And I don’t like it, not one bit.

Give me a microphone and a room full of people and I’m fine, put me in a room with just about anyone for a job interview and I’m fine or put me behind a bar with people three deep waiting for drinks and I’m fine (I’m sweating but fine).

Ask me to write a book and put it for sale on all the major bookseller websites and I’m completely beside myself. I have no idea what has come over me but it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

It’s been just over a week since I approved the book to be distributed and exactly one week since it hit Amazon and iBookstore. I felt the first twitches of something when I hit the ‘approve’ button. I thought that may have just been something I ate but it continually got worse over the next two days. Then Friday afternoon hit and I received a text message from a friend that said she found it on the iBookstore. I crumbled. I happened to be helping out at the bar and I really thought I was going to faint.

There I was, helping customers and not knowing whether I needed to pull up the sink and throw up or run to the bathroom. It’s been a roller coaster ever since. There have been headaches, chest pains, stomach issues and plain old loss of thought process. I would imagine some of this I could blame on age but I know it’s nerves and anxiety. A strange new world for me.

I was nervous once when I had to be on camera for a webinar and my stomach was doing flips and somersaults. I figured it was because I couldn’t see my audience but they could see me, plus the camera adds ten to fifteen pounds and who needs an extra ten pounds? NOT ME!

I still haven’t quite figured out why this would make me so nervous but for now I’m going with the excuse that it’s the fear of failure……I’m pretty sure that’s not it though. Oh, I may fail alright but that comes with so many things we do in life. Perhaps I should write to Dr. Phil to see if he can fix me…………better not do that, who knows what that guy will find going on with me, I’m pretty content with my own version of crazy.

I’m optimistic this nerves thing will take care of itself soon because I can’t take it. I’m also pretty sure those close to me aren’t going to be able to take it much longer either. My close friends have to be tired of text messages and phone calls about this. I can almost see them rolling their eyes and thinking “she has to get over this already”. Idaho told me last week he thought it was cute that I was nervous. I bet he doesn’t think that any longer.

I’m taking the weekend to step away and spend some time with family and friends. Maybe I’ll get a grip.

Another Cold

I have a cold and I’ve had a cold for almost two weeks. I feel like I’ve been a man about this thing because I’ve been complaining about it like nobody’s business. There have also been days when it’s absolutely kicked my butt.

Why is it I can come through surgery with flying colors and bartend six days after losing my girl parts but I can’t seem to kick a common cold? Is this a sign of things to come as I age? That would mean I’m not aging gracefully and I don’t like that. There is something terribly wrong with this picture. What’s worse is I’ve been sleeping even less since this cold has moved in. Yeah, I’ve been a real peach.

Today I feel better but I am hopped up on Dayquil, Alkeseltzer Plus and some Aleve. I don’t think I should be taking all of those together but it seems to have worked enough today for me to get some things accomplished. I bet I shouldn’t be driving though….shhhh…don’t tell anyone. I can just see it now, me trying to explain to the officer that it’s over-the-counter meds that’s causing me to swerve because I’m singing and dancing in the driver’s seat.

I had pictures taken on Friday for some promotional stuff, so not happy but that’s another story all together because I hate pictures of myself. I put more makeup on then I’ve had on in months but the dark circles make me look like a raccoon. I am for sure looking my age these days. Now when people ask how old I am I’m going to have to say 50, because I’d still look good for 50, not so good for 43 but pretty good for 50.

Well, here’s to over-the-counter medicine and a sunny day. Let’s hope this cold works itself out of my system soon or I may go postal.

Best Friends

Isn’t it funny how the meaning of ‘best friend’ changes over time? Well, at least it has and still does for me. I’ve been very lucky that I’ve consistently had the same true ‘best friend’ for twenty plus years. I’ve also been lucky to have several who fit under the category of ‘one of my best friends’. My sister has become a ‘best friend’ as over the years our age difference no longer matters. Idaho added yet another definition of ‘best friend’ with endless hours of phone conversations.

For me, friends differ depending on the situation so I thought I would try to come up with scenarios that may help you put your friendships into perspective . This is not always a one size fits all thing, I for one am quite diversified.

I agree with the saying that a good friend will help you bury the body. There’s also the friend who will bring the bleach and the shovel for the best possible clean-up.
There are particular friends who will bail you out and pick you up from jail, no matter what you did. Others will be with you in jail….see my first point.
Some will let you vent about your other friends without judging you. They will also add ‘that bitch’ and not truly mean it when appropriate.
A few will go with you to get a tattoo and not judge you, your choices or any of your chubbiness that’s showing.
One friend will stop for dollar McDoubles even though neither of you need it. Then laugh about it when they taste like cardboard. Duh, they did last time too!
Some will still love you after you get the giggles at completely inappropriate times.
Most will laugh hysterically when you take a fall but help you up after they’re done laughing and they’ve gone to the bathroom.
One friend will say nothing when you open the champagne bottle in the car and crack the windshield.
Very few will tell you that outfit looks bad. The ones that do should be your shopping partners for life.
Some will deal with you when you’re bawling uncontrollably for no apparent reason. Even when you don’t know why you’re crying.
One friend sends you to your room when you laugh at her naughty child. It’s only fair.
Some get in the car with you for the day and say “drive that way” when you just need to get out of town for a few hours to hide from life.
A few will laugh with you while watching others make an ass out of themselves. Then turn to you and say, “Holy crap, that was us ten years ago”.
Very few will crawl into bed with you and talk until you fall asleep just because they know you need them near you.
There’s probably only one who will say “I draw the line at wiping your butt; however, I will bring a hose and a loofa sponge on a stick and we’ll figure it out”.
Keep those that know you’re really kidding when you ask if they can carry the chainsaw while you grab the garbage bags and the plastic gloves but they play along.
Some will take your ridiculous phone call in the middle of the night no matter what. Even if you’re hysterical about a break-in and they can’t understand you.
Very few will clean your house while you’re down and out and not judge because of the mess.
All of your best friends should take the good with the bad, be supportive, keep your secrets, listen to your opinion and take it into consideration (even if they don’t want to) and love you unconditionally.

I think you have friends for all reasons and seasons. Some friends are appropriate for more situations than others, there are only one or two that actually fit into most. I’ve realized that’s okay, not everyone knows how to be the same kind of friend.

Most important, they ALL should be laughers, even when it’s a not-so-great situation. May as well make the best of it.

Accumulation of Stuff

How does it happen? How does one accumulate so much crap?

I’ve lived at my current residence for only three years. I am very conscious of what I save and how much I save…..or at least I thought I was. Tonight I realized I’m apparently not as conscious as I think I am. I was putting away my Christmas tree tonight (yes, I know, it’s the 16th, give me a break, I’ve been busy) and as I was bringing the stuff back downstairs, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It’s the basement I go in every day, it’s the basement I do laundry in and it’s the basement I thought I had a critter in. Why it hit me tonight? I have no idea. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked around and said out loud “where did all this $*&# come from?”. As I inventoried the contents, here’s what I found that was mine:

Two chairs I was going to recover…….15 years ago.
Ten bins with different holiday stuff…..who needs that much, especially when I barely decorate?
A 5 ft. church bench, yes, I said church bench. I’m going to refinish it………at some point.
A piano bench that I’m going to refinish…..at some point.
A trunk I’m going to refinish…..at some point.
A half refinished dresser I will finish………at some point. I better figure out when “at some point” is.
Two cots….no mattresses. WTF? How did I manage to accumulate those?
A TV stand I no longer need or want.
A shelf I no longer need or want.
Three bins of stuff from my youth…teddy bears, toys, dolls, urgh…what am I going to do with those besides haul them around?
12 purses. Holy hell did I spend too much time in Chinatown in NYC over the years.
17 suitcases, beach bags, duffel bags and softball bags. I’m really in the WTF stage now.
Tents….oh dear, I didn’t check in that bag for the critter!!!! I may have to just throw those out without even looking.
Seven pairs of shoes I haven’t worn since I moved in….perhaps I could get rid of those??

It just hit me. I’M A HOARDER!!!!! Holy crap, my friends are going to call that show and turn me in. I need therapy, counseling, perhaps hospitalization!

I gotta go, I have some cleaning out to do before I’m writing stories from the big house……or whatever house they put me in.

Before Technology

What did we do before so much technology? In my opinion, we had more fun, we weren’t scared our ‘fun’ would be plastered all over for the world to see. It’s one thing to have a moment of embarrassment when your friends bring it up but it’s another thing to be constantly reminded of it because it’s on everyone’s phone, posted on Facebook or God forbid, on YouTube.

I recently got together with a longtime friend and as always, we reminisced, and we laughed and laughed a lot. There were no cell phone pictures to pull up, there were no cell phone videos to show, there were no Facebook posts or pictures to find and there were no YouTube videos to watch. It was just us remembering the events and laughing. We had to tell the stories, we had to actually dig in our memory banks. Parts one of us forgot and parts one of us remembered more. That’s why I wrote The Birthday Tribute, it brought those memories back to the forefront, plus some memories I may never share…..wouldn’t want to ruin my reputation.

Obviously we had cameras and video cameras back then but that meant we had to remember to bring them with us. If we did remember our camera then we had to actually go and get the film developed. Hard to say how many undeveloped films are in boxes or junk drawers. If someone did have a video camera, good luck wanting to bring it, they were the size of a microwave and not quite so easy to use. The moment is what we lived for, not the proof of the moment.

There is a video tape floating around of a couple of us skinny dipping in the early 90’s at a Holiday Inn. I sure hope that’s lost in a junk drawer or box somewhere and doesn’t suddenly show up online. Only a handful of us actually saw it. I’ll have to completely embarrass myself and write about that soon. But I digress.

People have very few secrets now. Back in the day (whenever that might have been), word of mouth is how we planned parties. Now, people post it on Facebook, send text messages or emails. The youth of today wonder why parties get busted. Duh, they have no idea who is reading those messages, parents do still monitor phones and computers and they’re friends with their kids on Facebook. They’re basically telling on themselves. They’re even posting pictures of themselves online for everyone to see, including colleges, jobs and potential dates. Nothing is sacred anymore. I’m so thankful we didn’t have all that when I was in school. I wouldn’t have gotten into college, got a job or ever found a date. Certain stories should be shared after you make your own impression and certain stories should never be shared.

We also had to actually speak to people, have conversations with friends and family. No email, no text messaging, etc. You pretty much had to say it to someone’s face, unless of course you wanted to pass them a note, which of course was dangerous because someone else might see. That’s one thing I’m thankful for with Idaho, he doesn’t have texting on his phone and doesn’t have a computer. We actually have to talk to each other, weird, I know. I thoroughly enjoy that part of our relationship though…..shocking that I like to talk, isn’t it?

There’s times I’m thankful for technology and there’s times I curse it. One of my favorite things is to reminisce about events we experienced and lived through. But, my favorite thing, is to never mention those events I don’t want anyone to know about.