Tag: laugh

laughable content

Is There Something Wrong With Me?

Please don’t answer that question because I already know the answer is a big fat yes.

There are things I do or say that make people look at me like a daisy just sprouted out of the top of my head.  This could be because of habits I have, things I like or don’t like or an opinion I have.  I have a few examples:

I love sleeping on the plane:  I’ve traveled a lot in my day and catching a 5 AM flight is tiring so catching some zzzz’s wherever I can is a must.  Many times I’ve buckled in, crossed my arms and immediately fallen asleep only to wake up when we touch down at our destination.  Even with my current sleeplessness problem I can still sleep on a plane.   So many of my friends think I’m crazy because they aren’t able to sleep on a plane at all.  One time I was leaving JFK and fell asleep on the tarmac and slept hard and long, I woke up and we were on the ground…….I looked at the woman next to me and she said “we’re still at JFK, you’ve been sleeping for an hour and a half”.  She was not a happy camper because apparently she did not sleep.  The good thing is I missed the entire delay.

Locked doors while I’m home:  I lock all my doors a majority of the time when I’m at home.  I think ever since the break in I’m even a bit more paranoid but I’ve always been a bit OCD about it.  I usually keep my blinds closed as well especially in the summer but that’s because I’m trying to keep the house cool.  I guess I’ve heard enough stories about someone wandering into a house even during the day.  I have enough issues I certainly don’t need to find anyone hiding in a closet or sleeping on my couch.

Corn dogs, pot pies and fair food:  If these were the only foods in the world I would starve.  Perhaps this should be the new diet I try because I just wouldn’t eat.  I even have trouble eating things that remotely resemble a pot pie such as pasties and calzones.  Yeah, yeah, I know, they’re not the same thing.  My head knows that but my stomach says ‘oh hell no’.  Fair foods which include corn dogs are not something I go wild about either.  I hear people talk about not being able to wait to get to the fair because of the food.  Gives me the trots (that’s old-time speak for….well, you know)  just thinking about it.  I go to the fair for a good ego boost, nothing but people watching on my mind.

My toilet paper supply:  A friend recently pointed out my toilet paper supply when I had my basement door open.  She was laughing because my extra shelf was plump full.  I didn’t tell her about my stash under the sink in the bathroom as I didn’t need to hear about that.  I did tell her that there’s one thing that I never want to happen and that’s run out of toilet paper.  One can work around running out of milk, bread, toothpaste, dish soap, etc. but running out of toilet paper could be completely tragic, especially if it’s while company is in the house.  I wouldn’t want it to happen to me or my company.  I can’t even imagine either of those scenarios….sometimes it’s necessary for three or more wipes, can you imagine not having enough paper for the first wipe???

I’m sure as people read this I will get notification of other things I do that cause alarm so expect a second installment of this post at some point.

Pot Pies

Have you ever hated something so much the mere mention of it makes  you want to throw up?  Well, I feel that way about pot pies.  It actually hurts my fingertips to type those words but I’m hoping this works as therapy.  I also hope that I can type this story without actually throwing up.  You know, face your fears, right?

This complete hatred began when I was a child.  We used to have pot pies pretty often.  Now, once a month would have been often to me but it seems like we had them ALL the time.   I can never remember a time, not even the first time, that I actually liked the taste, the look or the feel of a pot pie.  I’m fairly sure the first time I poked through that crust and unveiled the sea of gravy with meat (I use that term loosely) and vegetables this lifelong hate began.  I’m not sure if it’s because of this I don’t eat gravy, cooked peas or cooked carrots.  I don’t even put gravy on my mashed potatoes.  But I digress.

Mom would send me down to the freezer to pick my poison and one was no better than the other.  I remember the nightmare of opening the freezer and seeing those square red boxes staring at me.  I feel like that was all that was in the freezer.  Even when I had to go get something else from the freezer I had to rifle through the layer of pot pies to get to it, nothing like ruining an appetite.

When the pot pie was finally baked I would stare at it, poke at it and swirl it around while eating very little of it.  Like most parents mine wanted me to finish my plate, or in this case my crust filled disaster, because there were starving children all over the world.  Well, more than once I volunteered to send my pot pies to those poor starving children, even though I knew in my heart of hearts they wouldn’t eat them either.   That never went over well.

When I didn’t eat my entire pot pie, the rest of it was saved for the next time I said I was hungry.   I’m not sure how any of you feel about pot pies but the only thing worse than a freshly baked pot pie is a heated up half eaten pot pie.  The chunks of crust laying soggy in the juice some would call gravy.  I just threw up in my mouth a little while I typed that.  I believe there were times that a pot pie lasted me several snacks/meals.

Jump ahead to 2005 on a Sunday afternoon, my hatred for pot pies still alive and well.  A friend and I would grocery shop together every week.  Whoever was done first would wait for the other one and help her bag her groceries and homeward bound we would go.  This particular day we were in the checkout at about the same time, her slightly ahead of me a few lanes down.  I was paying no attention to anything other than my groceries and getting them bagged, until…………I spotted the groceries of the man behind me coming down the adjacent conveyor belt.  Every single item on that belt was a pot pie.  My knee-jerk reaction was to  turn around and I saw he had an entire basket full of pot pies.

Panic ensued.  And I mean PANIC.  The pot pies were coming toward me like a marching army of soldiers with their guns drawn.   I began to sweat, first my palms, then my forehead, it started slowly and then quickly sped up.  I started shoving groceries into bags at lightening speed, my friend coming to help asking what I was doing putting eggs on top of bread.  With crazy eyes I looked at her and said “we need to get the hell out of here”.  At this point the pot pies were stacking up at the end of the belt and the man buying them was paying.  I couldn’t even look at him as I didn’t want to know what sort of animal was buying that many pot pies.

I was literally running out of the store with my cart and my half-assed bagged groceries to try to get some fresh air as my mouth had that watery ‘I’m going to throw up’ feeling.   My friend was completely confused as to what my problem had been.   We loaded our groceries and she continued to look at me like I was crazy.  Finally in the car she asked what had happened.  When I told her of my intense hatred of pot pies and the horrible situation that had just happened in the check out lane she about doubled over with laughter.

Writing this story did not work as therapy, in fact, I may hate them more now than I did before.  I did manage to write this without throwing up though which I would consider a major breakthrough.

This Week’s Post

This week’s post has gone to the wayside….literally.  I have a story, it’s almost done, then another story happens which inhibits me from finishing the original story.

The second story happened last night and will continue for the next several days.  I will call it “The Great Basement Flood of 2012”. By the time I write that one there will be another one as Idaho arrives tomorrow night.  Yay!  So great that he will be here for the great flood clean-up, I bet he’s pumped about that.  I wonder if he’s tried to return the tickets yet?

I will be back at it next week for a real post but wanted to give you a head’s up.

A hint for what you can expect:

Yes, that’s water.  Yes, it’s brown (you don’t want to know).  Yes, the washing machine is floating.  No, the garbage can never actually fell over.

Have a good weekend!

Things That Make Me Smile

A few things happened to me this week that really made me smile.  They didn’t outright make me die laughing but they really made me smile and made my day.

I went to Target tonight and when I walked in an older couple was walking out.  The man was parking the cart so I took it from him.  He said to me “she’s got low miles”.  I said thank you and smiled my whole trip to Target.  Even while I was spending $96 on things like toilet paper and laundry detergent.

A coworker and I tend to vent to each other now and then, the end of the week is especially bad because the problem children coworkers have worn on us all week.  Today she said to me “if my 87-year-old grandma can make it through 87 years, I can make it through today”.  I kept that in mind to get me through not only the work day but an unpleasant doctors appointment.

Yesterday I received a text that said “Remember Georgia, I’m the sweaty one today”.  A coworker of mine is at a client function and apparently she was a little warm.  Her and I traveled to Atlanta several years ago and I sweat my rear end off all day long wearing a black suit.  A little later yesterday afternoon I received another text from her that said “Now I’m the sweaty one with a hole in my nylons”.  I smiled for hours because for once it wasn’t happening to me.

Idaho sends me random texts sometimes.  Three that I received from him this week were “maybe I need a fedora”, “maybe you should buy a goat” and “going to a tattoo fest and bike show this afternoon, wish you were here, good people watching”.  His texts usually make me smile but those were especially good.  I still have no idea if he bought a fedora, maybe he will wear it when he comes to visit in a couple weeks.

A 3-year-old who talks like an adult over the weekend.  I could have listened to her all day, she was so cute and funny.  A few things that came out of her mouth were “actually Mom, I think you should go in and get it for me”, “how many pieces are in this puzzle” and “can I see the box with the picture on it so I know what we’re working with here”.  All I could do was smile and listen to her, most of the time her vocabulary was better than mine.

Next week I’m going to make it a priority to write down those things that make me smile so I don’t have to count on my memory to recall the moments.  Perhaps that will also make me concentrate on the good things, not the frustrating things.

Lionel Richie Concert

The other night there was a country music concert on TV that featured Lionel Richie and his music.  It was a great concert with wonderful performances.  I was a child in the 70s and 80s so I completely enjoyed it.

The funny part of the show was actually the crowd and a few of the performances.  Almost every crowd shot made me giggle or shake my head.  What’s really funny is that I received a text message from a coworker about 30 minutes into it regarding writing material.  I would like to share some of the texts we exchanged during the show.

Her: There is some prime writing material on CBS right now.  The crowd is highly entertaining.

Me: Oh yes, watching it.  Love the plastic beer glasses they all have.

Her: My hubby likes all the 50+ year old couples, women forcing their men to dance and when not dancing, snapping their fingers.

Me: Careful on the 50s, I’m almost there. 😉  Those two old blond women in the front were once the tramps on Lionel’s bus.

Her: Haha, the crowd is almost more entertaining than the songs. PS – there is no way you are even close to these crazy crowd members.

Me: You should see me at a Brett Michael’s concert!!  I’m in love with Jason Aldean.

Her: As am I!! I love the people in the crowd trying to sing along but are caught saying the wrong words.

Me: I know.  Who’s the drunk old broad with the butch haircut?  Should we know her?

Her: No idea. I laughed out loud at her though.

Me: Me too.  She had the look like……OMG, he just made eye contact with me……

Her: How about the group shot with hands in the air?

Me: Jesus grandma, put your arms down!!

Her: Your granddaughter wants her shirt back!

Me: LOL.  I just peed my pants at those two women.

Her: I was waiting for your input on those two.

Me: Love the hand gestures while they’re singing their hearts out, hands on their hearts like they can actually sing.  Oh good, the Joker…..I mean Kenny Rogers is coming on.

Her: There should be a legal limit on when you are no longer able to dye your hair platinum blonde. Anything over 30, maybe even 25 should be outlawed.  Did you see the lady wearing the sparkliest outfit of the night.  The place will go wild for those two.

Me: Oh yes, the platinum blonde, over tanned look…..you get old for that real quick. Kenny’s had a bit too much plastic surgery, it’s a wonder he can still sing.  I think he played in Batman.

Her:  I love the overhead clap.  Clap your hands in front over your body like a normal person.

Me:  Is he the walking dead?  Did he have a mortician do his makeup?

Her:  Yes, I believe so.  This is painful.  The close ups are even worse.  I had to turn away, it’s too painful.

Me: Really? You’re too old to do hip movements like that lady.

Her: I have no words for this final performance.  Rich’s pants in his sparkly cowboy boots?!

Me: And Big is pittin’ out really bad on his leather vest.

Her: And his pelvic thrusting is uncalled for.

Me: I was just trying to forget that.

Her: The dangers of staying in on a Friday night.

This is proof of why you should surround yourself with funny people.

Funny Findings

I have to share these two thoughts before I forget them.

Yesterday and today I’ve been attempting to finish up taxes.  I’ve also been attempting to help Idaho find a new place to live…..no, not here, in Idaho.  I do the computer searches, he obviously does the legwork.  I found two things I’d like to share while working on these ventures.

First I will get my rant out of the way.   State IRS offices are in operation from 8:00 to 4:30 for both Minnesota and Wisconsin.  Really?  You’ve got to be dry humpin’ me!  It’s April 12th and you’re only open from 8:00 to 4:30??  Hey, some of us have jobs and don’t have the ability to hold for 30 minutes during work hours!!!  Unreal, I’m paying enough myself in penalties this year, no, not because I make too much, there should be enough to pay for some extra hours now that we’re down to the wire.

Enough of that, I would rather be drug naked over broken glass than deal with the IRS.

This second item almost made me pee my pants while I was looking for an apartment for Idaho.  I have to open the links to see exactly what they are and I came across this:

“for rent or sale the trailer is in (city) off simplot blve. trailer #50 has porch small fents yard”

I copied it right from the ad, I only removed the city.

Well, let me pick up the phone immediately and call you to see if I can look at the place.  You have painted such a vivid picture of it that I can see paradise in my mind.  I can also picture the landlord and what a treat that relationship would be.  I’m not sure what a ‘small fents yard’ is but I’m so curious I can’t stand it.  I hate to make assumptions but my guess is that we don’t have an English major on our hands.  I should give the number to Idaho just so he can go look at it and talk to this person…..how mean would that be?

Sleepless in Wisconsin IX

Oh boy, I really thought you had heard the last of my sleep-deprived ramblings but I was so very wrong.  You’re a little lucky, I waited 3 nights before I started writing about it again.

I guess I haven’t checked in with you after my sleep clinic…..I got my results back which said I didn’t have sleep apnea, thank you captain obvious, but they did let me know that I wake up almost 20 times an hour due to sudden movements.  Whatever that means.  To them it meant they prescribed me Trazodone, yup, a depression med that doubles as a sleep aid.  I’ve been taking that since I returned from Idaho, almost three weeks and I’ve been sleeping much better.

Some nights I’m super tired or I bartend late so I don’t take it and still sleep pretty well.  Now, when I say I’ve been sleeping well, I mean I get a good five hours of sleep, that makes me happy as a pig in poop.   I go in for a follow-up next week so I’m going to request they prescribe that by the truckload, we’ll worry about the side effects later or addictions late.  I think the list of side affects is the same for this as every other med out there, they just keep adding things to the list.

I did find out from my prescription drug guru, I’d tell you who that is but I’d have to kill you, that once you take this you have about an hour or so window to hit the sheets in order for it to work well.  If you happen to blow through that hour and get to the other side, it can have the opposite effect and keep you up for quite some time.  That seems to be where I am today, and where I was last night.  Idaho called a little late both nights so sleep has eluded me once again.

Tonight I got up and moved to the living room, obviously not looking for something good on TV because we already know how that goes.   I also decided I needed to have some nachos while I watch and write, why not make it a full-blown party while I watch people working out on infomercials.  Not sure how it is that I can stuff my face at 2:30 AM other than the fact I went to the dentist and didn’t really eat anything after the invasion of my molar.  I should be out walking every chance I get after what happened to me on Friday night.

Do you have that pair of jeans that’s so comfortable you just can’t get rid of them?  They’re several years old, on their third button, the bottoms are frayed and they’re so light blue they’re almost see-through?  That’s exactly what was going on with the pants I wore on Friday night.  I was sure I was going to get one more good wear out of them.  I did feel that the button may not make it through the night as the two threads holding it on were strained pretty good.  No button I can live with.  No butt or leg I cannot live with.

The pants made it through the bbq at my house and three bars, truly being troopers.  I was headed back to one of the previous bars to pick up someone we left behind and got into the car and felt the left butt cheek area give way.  I looked over at the guy sitting in the passenger seat and said “nothing good is going to come out of this”.   He looked at me as though I was crazy and then I said “I just ripped my pants”.  He laughed and said “oh I’m sure it’s not that bad”.  Wow was he wrong.

I got out of the car and pulled my t-shirt down over my butt, hoping to cover the damage.  He laughed hysterically when I showed him what was happening and then said, “it will be fine, we’ll be in and out and no one will notice”.  Well, he was partially right, at that place no one noticed.  As I got in and out of the car again I could feel the rip creeping its way down my leg.  Hindsight tells me I should have dropped him off and headed home to change my pants.

We got back to the rest of the group and all hell broke loose from there.  There was no covering the damage, not only was I freaking out but with every movement they ripped a little more.  Apparently once they were done, they were done.  At one point one of my friends decided to be a complete jackpot and grab my pocket and pull.  Needless to say that’s all that was needed to rip the pants down my entire left leg and through the bottom, leaving me with a right pants leg and my right butt cheek covered and nothing else.  The worst part of this story……..I wasn’t wearing underwear.

After some futile attempts to cover my bare ass, I turned to leave the bar with as much dignity as I could muster, which wasn’t much, and walked out the back door.   I got in the car to wait for everyone else to join me.  I then had to get out at my house with everyone still in the car laughing to go in and change.

I’m pretty sure when he grabbed my pocket he got more than he bargained for, no one deserved to see that…..well, maybe he did.  I’m sure the sight of my cottage cheese thighs and butt cheek are forever burned into his brain, that’s what he gets.  Lesson learned for me, don’t wear the pants out of the house that you think have ‘one more wear’ in them.

Oh boy, enough embarrassment for this evening and I think I finally yawned.  It’s 3:00 AM and I better try to get a few hours in before I get up for work.

The First 99

Wow, my 100th post.  As I’ve said before, I love milestones and this one is a good one.  When I first started this blog, I wasn’t sure I’d have 100 things to say.  Well, seems I did and I haven’t run out yet.  Too bad for all of you.  🙂

I took a look at my stats, listened to feedback and read through comments to see what kind of journey this has been.  Here’s a few things I’ve taken you through:

Your comments are much appreciated and here are some of my favorites from the first 99:

“Seriously I feel like I just did 50 sit ups. I was laughing so hard I got in an ab workout. Thanks Peg! Keep these stories coming and we’ll all have abs of steel!-I want to kill my neighbor – BA HA HA HA” – In response to The Lawnmower

“Hey I’m a dyslexic sign guy who doesn’t use spell check. Leave my fellow brethren alone. – In response to Funny Signs

“My most unfavorite wardrobe malfunction is a complete boob slip from a bathing suit. That’s right, not just a nipple, but a complete BOOB!  I thought I was Bo Derek rising up out of the water, until something was not quite right.  So there. At least you were still somewhat covered.” – In response to Exposed Behind

“BAHAHAHA! I LOVE the “Older women have no modesty” part… I almost peed!” – In response to At The Gym

“I didn’t even know a woman could get a groin pull… ouch!  BTW, I once entered my company’s tournament… and came in last. It was a sort of groin pull too, I guess.” – In response to Golf Outing

“I have always been of the opinion that exercise is dangerous to the health. Now I see it is also embarrassing. Thank God I rarely do it!” – In response to Another’s Gym Story

“This is insane. Props to you for not only surviving this crazy Idiot’s break-in but clearly owning him!” – In response to The Intruder

“I think something is wrong with my computer. It looks like the I’m the first to both like and comment on this hilarious post. Something’s definitely wrong…” – In response to I’m Jealous of My Dog

Keep reading, leaving comments, liking and most importantly, keep laughing.  Here’s to another 99!

Botched Photo Opps

Today on my way home from lunch I had a photo opportunity and I didn’t get to take advantage of it.  I was driving on the freeway and a car zoomed past me, clearly speeding.  I did a double take as it was a not-new 4 door Olds Cutlass Supreme.   That’s not really what was funny, it was the fact that he had a spoiler on it.  No, not a normal spoiler that perhaps would come standard with a ride like that but a spoiler you would find on a sprint car possibly.   It looked like the photo below, not kidding, it was still black too!!

I did attempt to take a picture but the guy caught me so I had to pretend I was texting.  Which I shouldn’t be doing while driving either.

This weekend I also could have used my camera.  I was standing in a bar and a woman came in and said “there’s too many cameras out there, I’m not looking my best today”.  Now, I am one who likes to find something attractive about everyone but at this point of this particular day I could not wrap my head around what her best could possibly look like.   Over half of one of her front teeth was black, not the bottom of it but the top of it.  It was giving up on her from the roots down.  She had a pair of stretch pants on from sometime in the 80’s, about 4 inches too short and a very faded black.  She had also spilled bbq sauce down the entire front of her shirt. I’ll stop there, you get the idea.  Wonder if anyone outside got a shot of her.

During pool tournaments this last weekend we had a potluck.  Food galore!  I was thankful I went before the group of people who were eating when they went through line.  Not only eating but taking a fork, sticking it in a crock pot, eating what was on the fork and then putting it in the next crock pot.  I would have loved to have a video of that.  Mostly they were doing this because their plates were so overloaded they couldn’t fit anything else on them.

I think I need to get one of those pins with a camera in it so I can catch these things as they happen and share them with all of you.  Keep your cameras handy!

Funny Blog Search III

Time to share what I’ve found under my blog searches category lately.

  • funny dog on heat pictures– I’m not sure what a ‘dog on heat’ is but it sounds like a dog on crack to me, hope they found the pictures they were looking for, doubt they found them here.
  • naked women put on lotion– This poor sap found my site, how sad for them, I’m pretty sure I didn’t provide what they were really looking for.
  • dryer bar all over my pillows – Well, this would suck if the dryer bar got stuck on someone’s pillow, I didn’t give any good advice for this issue, sorry.
  • monkeys – The fact my site comes up when someone searched for ‘monkeys’ is very sad, I think I once posted one picture of monkeys, hope they found it.
  • what are funny things that make you sleepless? – I’m so glad I’m not alone in this world wondering what makes me sleepless.
  • are talking to myself is a disease – This poor soul needs help in several areas it seems.  Perhaps they should tell themselves to take some English classes or be more careful when typing in searches.

We’ll see what the next group of searches bring, I can’t wait to share them with you.  Looking through them certainly makes my day and makes me feel okay about the things I search for online!