The Lawnmower

In honor of Following Funny’s three year anniversary, I’m going to republish my first ever post. I know it’s some people’s favorite. Thanks for a great three years and here’s to many more.

This first “official” post doesn’t necessarily put me in a great light but I figure if you can’t laugh at yourself you’re not going to be laughing much anywhere else either.

Early in the summer the lawnmower died and I had been anxiously waiting for my landlord to bring a new one, here’s what happened when I finally got it.

It was Thursday so I had stopped at the meat raffle (yes, I said meat raffle) and had about 4 beers
I got home to find this new lawn mower waiting for me
I notice my duplex neighbor’s truck at home which was irritating because he hadn’t already put it together
Still excited to have this new piece of equipment, I decide I can do this myself and get to work on putting it together
Get the handle done (this is going to be a cake walk)
Get the pull cord done (wow am I busting through this)
Struggle with the bag (who makes you put the bag together?)
Struggle with the bag some more (you’ve got to be kidding me, it’s only 2 pieces!!)
Start to cry (I hate my neighbor)
Stare at the 2 pieces (no way do these go together)
Cry some more (I hate my neighbor)
In through the nose, out through the mouth moment to get myself on track
FINALLY get it together and on the mower
Put the oil in (no problem, back on track)
Grab gas can…..Out of gas  (I hate my neighbor)
Almost crying again, but controlling myself, I run to the gas station with small gas can and fill it up
Spill gas in the back seat of the car (did I mention my new car) all over floor mat
Cry again (harder this time)
Get home to see neighbor leaving all dressed up
He says “man, is it ever going to get warm”
I freak out like Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and say in a slightly demonic voice “couldn’t you help with the mower?”
He says “didn’t know it was here”
I say “She tried to call you” (meaning landlord)
Neighbor looks at me and leaves thinking perhaps I need to be committed
I cry some more
Put gas in and overflow the tank all over the new mower
I cry so hard I have to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt
Pull myself together
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Tears of anger now
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Bawling like a 4-year-old throwing a tantrum
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Scream at the top of my lungs
The neighbors dogs start barking
Sob
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Swear
Scream
Cry
Swear
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Give up and go inside the house
Call guy in Idaho (a story for another time)
He says “My God, what’s wrong, are you okay”
I say “the brand new lawn mower is kicking my ass”
He says “what do you mean, slow down and breathe”
I tell the story almost in tears, starting to realize I really sound like a whiney girl
He is trying to be nice and we attempt to troubleshoot why it may not start

and then I say…

“I cried when I tried to put the bag together”
He laughs uncontrollably for 5 minutes, attempting to talk between giggles (he cries when he laughs)
I give up completely on lawn mower and being mad because his laugh is contagious
We laugh for another 10 minutes

The next day I have to ask the neighbor to help me start the mower which took about 40 more pulls and some swearing on his part – I felt much better after that.