Tag: humor

Sleepless in Wisconsin IX

Oh boy, I really thought you had heard the last of my sleep-deprived ramblings but I was so very wrong.  You’re a little lucky, I waited 3 nights before I started writing about it again.

I guess I haven’t checked in with you after my sleep clinic…..I got my results back which said I didn’t have sleep apnea, thank you captain obvious, but they did let me know that I wake up almost 20 times an hour due to sudden movements.  Whatever that means.  To them it meant they prescribed me Trazodone, yup, a depression med that doubles as a sleep aid.  I’ve been taking that since I returned from Idaho, almost three weeks and I’ve been sleeping much better.

Some nights I’m super tired or I bartend late so I don’t take it and still sleep pretty well.  Now, when I say I’ve been sleeping well, I mean I get a good five hours of sleep, that makes me happy as a pig in poop.   I go in for a follow-up next week so I’m going to request they prescribe that by the truckload, we’ll worry about the side effects later or addictions late.  I think the list of side affects is the same for this as every other med out there, they just keep adding things to the list.

I did find out from my prescription drug guru, I’d tell you who that is but I’d have to kill you, that once you take this you have about an hour or so window to hit the sheets in order for it to work well.  If you happen to blow through that hour and get to the other side, it can have the opposite effect and keep you up for quite some time.  That seems to be where I am today, and where I was last night.  Idaho called a little late both nights so sleep has eluded me once again.

Tonight I got up and moved to the living room, obviously not looking for something good on TV because we already know how that goes.   I also decided I needed to have some nachos while I watch and write, why not make it a full-blown party while I watch people working out on infomercials.  Not sure how it is that I can stuff my face at 2:30 AM other than the fact I went to the dentist and didn’t really eat anything after the invasion of my molar.  I should be out walking every chance I get after what happened to me on Friday night.

Do you have that pair of jeans that’s so comfortable you just can’t get rid of them?  They’re several years old, on their third button, the bottoms are frayed and they’re so light blue they’re almost see-through?  That’s exactly what was going on with the pants I wore on Friday night.  I was sure I was going to get one more good wear out of them.  I did feel that the button may not make it through the night as the two threads holding it on were strained pretty good.  No button I can live with.  No butt or leg I cannot live with.

The pants made it through the bbq at my house and three bars, truly being troopers.  I was headed back to one of the previous bars to pick up someone we left behind and got into the car and felt the left butt cheek area give way.  I looked over at the guy sitting in the passenger seat and said “nothing good is going to come out of this”.   He looked at me as though I was crazy and then I said “I just ripped my pants”.  He laughed and said “oh I’m sure it’s not that bad”.  Wow was he wrong.

I got out of the car and pulled my t-shirt down over my butt, hoping to cover the damage.  He laughed hysterically when I showed him what was happening and then said, “it will be fine, we’ll be in and out and no one will notice”.  Well, he was partially right, at that place no one noticed.  As I got in and out of the car again I could feel the rip creeping its way down my leg.  Hindsight tells me I should have dropped him off and headed home to change my pants.

We got back to the rest of the group and all hell broke loose from there.  There was no covering the damage, not only was I freaking out but with every movement they ripped a little more.  Apparently once they were done, they were done.  At one point one of my friends decided to be a complete jackpot and grab my pocket and pull.  Needless to say that’s all that was needed to rip the pants down my entire left leg and through the bottom, leaving me with a right pants leg and my right butt cheek covered and nothing else.  The worst part of this story……..I wasn’t wearing underwear.

After some futile attempts to cover my bare ass, I turned to leave the bar with as much dignity as I could muster, which wasn’t much, and walked out the back door.   I got in the car to wait for everyone else to join me.  I then had to get out at my house with everyone still in the car laughing to go in and change.

I’m pretty sure when he grabbed my pocket he got more than he bargained for, no one deserved to see that…..well, maybe he did.  I’m sure the sight of my cottage cheese thighs and butt cheek are forever burned into his brain, that’s what he gets.  Lesson learned for me, don’t wear the pants out of the house that you think have ‘one more wear’ in them.

Oh boy, enough embarrassment for this evening and I think I finally yawned.  It’s 3:00 AM and I better try to get a few hours in before I get up for work.

The First 99

Wow, my 100th post.  As I’ve said before, I love milestones and this one is a good one.  When I first started this blog, I wasn’t sure I’d have 100 things to say.  Well, seems I did and I haven’t run out yet.  Too bad for all of you.  🙂

I took a look at my stats, listened to feedback and read through comments to see what kind of journey this has been.  Here’s a few things I’ve taken you through:

Your comments are much appreciated and here are some of my favorites from the first 99:

“Seriously I feel like I just did 50 sit ups. I was laughing so hard I got in an ab workout. Thanks Peg! Keep these stories coming and we’ll all have abs of steel!-I want to kill my neighbor – BA HA HA HA” – In response to The Lawnmower

“Hey I’m a dyslexic sign guy who doesn’t use spell check. Leave my fellow brethren alone. – In response to Funny Signs

“My most unfavorite wardrobe malfunction is a complete boob slip from a bathing suit. That’s right, not just a nipple, but a complete BOOB!  I thought I was Bo Derek rising up out of the water, until something was not quite right.  So there. At least you were still somewhat covered.” – In response to Exposed Behind

“BAHAHAHA! I LOVE the “Older women have no modesty” part… I almost peed!” – In response to At The Gym

“I didn’t even know a woman could get a groin pull… ouch!  BTW, I once entered my company’s tournament… and came in last. It was a sort of groin pull too, I guess.” – In response to Golf Outing

“I have always been of the opinion that exercise is dangerous to the health. Now I see it is also embarrassing. Thank God I rarely do it!” – In response to Another’s Gym Story

“This is insane. Props to you for not only surviving this crazy Idiot’s break-in but clearly owning him!” – In response to The Intruder

“I think something is wrong with my computer. It looks like the I’m the first to both like and comment on this hilarious post. Something’s definitely wrong…” – In response to I’m Jealous of My Dog

Keep reading, leaving comments, liking and most importantly, keep laughing.  Here’s to another 99!

Botched Photo Opps

Today on my way home from lunch I had a photo opportunity and I didn’t get to take advantage of it.  I was driving on the freeway and a car zoomed past me, clearly speeding.  I did a double take as it was a not-new 4 door Olds Cutlass Supreme.   That’s not really what was funny, it was the fact that he had a spoiler on it.  No, not a normal spoiler that perhaps would come standard with a ride like that but a spoiler you would find on a sprint car possibly.   It looked like the photo below, not kidding, it was still black too!!

I did attempt to take a picture but the guy caught me so I had to pretend I was texting.  Which I shouldn’t be doing while driving either.

This weekend I also could have used my camera.  I was standing in a bar and a woman came in and said “there’s too many cameras out there, I’m not looking my best today”.  Now, I am one who likes to find something attractive about everyone but at this point of this particular day I could not wrap my head around what her best could possibly look like.   Over half of one of her front teeth was black, not the bottom of it but the top of it.  It was giving up on her from the roots down.  She had a pair of stretch pants on from sometime in the 80’s, about 4 inches too short and a very faded black.  She had also spilled bbq sauce down the entire front of her shirt. I’ll stop there, you get the idea.  Wonder if anyone outside got a shot of her.

During pool tournaments this last weekend we had a potluck.  Food galore!  I was thankful I went before the group of people who were eating when they went through line.  Not only eating but taking a fork, sticking it in a crock pot, eating what was on the fork and then putting it in the next crock pot.  I would have loved to have a video of that.  Mostly they were doing this because their plates were so overloaded they couldn’t fit anything else on them.

I think I need to get one of those pins with a camera in it so I can catch these things as they happen and share them with all of you.  Keep your cameras handy!

Funny Blog Search III

Time to share what I’ve found under my blog searches category lately.

  • funny dog on heat pictures– I’m not sure what a ‘dog on heat’ is but it sounds like a dog on crack to me, hope they found the pictures they were looking for, doubt they found them here.
  • naked women put on lotion– This poor sap found my site, how sad for them, I’m pretty sure I didn’t provide what they were really looking for.
  • dryer bar all over my pillows – Well, this would suck if the dryer bar got stuck on someone’s pillow, I didn’t give any good advice for this issue, sorry.
  • monkeys – The fact my site comes up when someone searched for ‘monkeys’ is very sad, I think I once posted one picture of monkeys, hope they found it.
  • what are funny things that make you sleepless? – I’m so glad I’m not alone in this world wondering what makes me sleepless.
  • are talking to myself is a disease – This poor soul needs help in several areas it seems.  Perhaps they should tell themselves to take some English classes or be more careful when typing in searches.

We’ll see what the next group of searches bring, I can’t wait to share them with you.  Looking through them certainly makes my day and makes me feel okay about the things I search for online!

Products That Don’t Work

I just went down to put laundry in the dryer and immediately thought about this post when I opened the dryer door and spotted the dryer bar.  Have you ever purchased a product that promised to make your life easier but it didn’t?  Me too!! In fact, more times than I care to admit.

This dry bar is the current object of my non-affection.  This product states you can stick it on the inside of your dryer and you won’t have to use dryer sheets for three months.  Well, two loads of laundry in and I’m pulling out my bullshit card.  The first two loads came out of the dryer so full of static I almost started a fire.  Then what do you do? Carry around static guard and spray yourself all day?  I don’t think so Clark, that’s not an attractive smell.  I now have to put dryer sheets in with each load as well so it’s actually costing me more instead of saving me anything.

The worst part of this product is it came in a 3-pack.  Maybe I was supposed to stick all three of these bars in the dryer at one time, I still have my doubts whether they would work.  What in the sam-hell am I going to do with two more of these worthless things?  Perhaps I could put them out and the critter will eat them and electrocute itself.   Ohhh, that’s not a bad idea, although I haven’t heard hide nor hair from the critter since it ate my paper towels.  Perhaps I’ll put them out anyway, at least the basement might smell good.  Definitely not buying those again.

The Funk

Today was one of those days.  I bartended last night so didn’t go to sleep until 4:00 AM and was awake at 7:30 AM.  The only good thing about that is I didn’t wake up between 2:00 and 2:30 because I was already awake!!

I made a mistake today and did my taxes.  That is what made today one of those days.  I’m not a happy camper.  Enough about the IRS, it put me further in a funk.  I have to admit, I’ve been in a funk for a couple of weeks, you know, something just isn’t right.

I have standbys of what gets me out of a funk.  Those things I go to in order to get me into a different state of mind.  Some of them work short term and some of them work permanently.  My first standby is people.  A chat with Idaho, a text to a good friend, a chat with my sister, a trip to the grocery store and in desperate times, a trip to Wal-Mart.  It always helps when I can get a quick-fix ego boost because I could be one of ‘those people’.

Well, those things have helped but something has lingered.  I feel good while all those things are going on but then slowly slip back into oblivion.  This evening I decided to catch up on some emails I haven’t read, you know, forwards from people that sometimes you don’t look at or sometimes you save them until later.  I went through 20 or so today and ran into one with pictures of animals.

I do like animals, I do not own any.  There are days I can hardly take care of myself let alone keeping something else alive so I just enjoy looking at other people’s animals.  I found some great ones in an email today that I believe pushed me over the edge to get me out of my funk.  I have no idea who to give credit to for all but one of these photos as the email had been forwarded more than several times.

This is how I felt at 7:30 AM this morning, I would dare to bet I looked something like this as well, minus the broccoli.

I love the look on the face of the one that isn’t shoving fruit into his mouth.  It also looks like these are Siamese Twins and obviously the little one has lost the fight for most of the food.

Who put this dog in this swing?  I have felt like this many times.

This was me when I had my cold.

This is my friend’s dog.  There’s a couple things here.  I don’t know that the Twins jersey quite fits him and I don’t think he’s happy to have it on.  This is one of my go-to photos to make me giggle.

After my standbys, checking emails and sharing photos with all of you, I think my funk is pretty much out the window.

Hair Cuts

I want to preface this post by saying I love the girl who cuts my hair and I think she works her tail off.  Those people stand on their feet all day and listen to people complain, gossip, brag and yell at their kids who are waiting or them.

With that being said, why are haircuts such a pain in the butt?  I am currently in desperate need of a haircut, so desperate in fact I wore my hair in a pony tail to pool on Thursday.  I use the term pony tail very loosely as you can see.

It looks like 10 pieces of straw in the binder but I just couldn’t help it.  One teammate took the picture to send it to our hairdresser.  The text said “911 we have an emergency”.  I believe the response was “O M G”.

I happened to see my hairdresser last night and she said “I got the picture of your pony tail”.  She said it with that look of “what the hell were you thinking?”  And then said “it’s getting nice and long, it just needs some shaping”.  Shaping?  Shaping?  I could use a #2 attachment on a razor right now and it would make me feel much better.  We laughed about it and decided I need to make an appointment.

It’s a habit for me to completely put off scheduling a hair cut, you would think I was having teeth pulled or something.  Then suddenly I can’t stand it anymore and think that she should be able to get me in at the last minute and I know that cannot happen.  I shouldn’t do that as there have been times I have then walked in to someone else which rarely turns out well.

One of our friends received a haircut from a random last week and ended up with quite the cut.  May have been her first day.  I’ll let you judge.

I’m wondering if one of her legs was severely shorter than the other if she thought that was straight.  The best part of this story is he went back to the same person to have it fixed.  Haha.  That kills me.  I believe everyone deserves a second chance but he didn’t have much hair to spare on a second chance here.  He was a great sport about it and we all had a great laugh.  It was the same night I was wearing my ‘pony tail’ so we had a lot to laugh about.

What Makes You Laugh II

I shared a few things that make me laugh in an earlier post and received good responses so I’ve been gathering more things that are among my favorites.

Story of my life, always a day late and a dollar short.

I received this picture for Valentine’s Day last year from a friend.  Her Mom’s name is Peggy and so is mine.  We are the only two Peggy’s she knows so we are the two that received this email.  I laughed uncontrollably all day long.  Not only because of the name but because of the sweet, old time picture.   This will go down in history as my favorite Valentine’s Day card.

8PMC-planes-trains-and-automobiles-movie-melted-speedometer

One comment from my last post was about Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  There are so many good scenes in that movie but this is one of my favorites.  It’s posted in two parts. Such a great scene, sure to make me laugh every time I see it…..along with several other parts of the movie.  What a classic.

Happy laughing.

Sleepless in Wisconsin VI

Urgh.

It’s 3:30 AM and I’ve been up for an hour.  This has been the story of my life since Idaho left.  I’m certainly not blaming him but I have seen 4:00 AM for a week and I don’t like it one bit.  Today will be no different.

I’m mad and frustrated so that doesn’t help the situation.  My cold from hell doesn’t seem to be gone either, this morning I have an ear ache and I constantly feel like I’m going to sneeze.  I hate everything right now…….except for tennis.

That’s right, I said tennis.  The Australian Open is on live at this time of the morning so it has fast become my favorite early AM show.  Why is it that I can turn on a tennis match on a Sunday afternoon and nap like it’s nobody’s business but at 2:30 AM it’s like an adrenaline rush for me?  If I still owned a tennis racket and knew where a tennis court actually was, I would probably be out there playing right now.  Of course I would be in winter boots and a parka but I’d be given it a go.  Mind you, I haven’t played tennis in at least 20 years.

Do you ever do that?  Watch a sport and think ‘I can do that, no problem’.  I’ve caught myself several times this morning talking to the players, as if I’m some sort of an expert.  I should probably tell you at this point that tennis was never my sport, I’ve played quite a bit but was never more than a novice.  But right now, in my mind, I could do this seemingly simple game quite easily.  Ya right.

I do this with golf as well.  My clubs ride around in my trunk most of the summer and rarely get used but I watch a tournament on TV and I’m suddenly a pro.  I have perfected my swing, adjusted my attitude and become a lover of my woods…..until I actually get on the course.  As we all know, my only golf outing last summer resulted in a groin pull because I slipped in the porta potty.

I’ve watched some pretty good matches in the last 90 minutes but right now I have to conclude my little rant as I have to find Mary Jo Fernandez’ email address because she is wearing a terrible shirt.  Yup, seems I’m the fashion police at this time of the morning as well.  My contribution to society never ends.  🙂

Accumulation of Stuff

How does it happen?  How does one accumulate so much crap?

I’ve lived at my current residence for only three years.  I am very conscious of what I save and how much I save…..or at least I thought I was.   Tonight I realized I’m apparently not as conscious as I think I am.  I was putting away my Christmas tree tonight (yes, I know, it’s the 16th, give me a break, I’ve been busy) and as I was bringing the stuff back downstairs, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It’s the basement I go in every day, it’s the basement I do laundry in and it’s the basement I thought I had a critter in.  Why it hit me tonight?  I have no idea.  I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked around and said out loud “where did all this $*&# come from?”.   As I inventoried the contents, here’s what I found that was mine:

  • Two chairs I was going to recover…….15 years ago.
  • Ten bins with different holiday stuff…..who needs that much, especially when I barely decorate?
  • A 5 ft. church bench, yes, I said church bench.  I’m going to refinish it………at some point.
  • A piano bench that I’m going to refinish…..at some point.
  • A trunk I’m going to refinish…..at some point.
  • A half refinished dresser I will finish………at some point.  I better figure out when “at some point” is.
  • Two cots….no mattresses.  WTF?  How did I manage to accumulate those?
  • A TV stand I no longer need or want.
  • A shelf I no longer need or want.
  • Three bins of stuff from my youth…teddy bears, toys, dolls, urgh…what am I going to do with those besides haul them around?
  • 12 purses.  Holy hell did I spend too much time in Chinatown in NYC over the years.
  • 17 suitcases, beach bags, duffel bags and softball bags.  I’m really in the WTF stage now.
  • Tents….oh dear, I didn’t check in that bag for the critter!!!!  I may have to just throw those out without even looking.
  • Seven pairs of shoes I haven’t worn since I moved in….perhaps I could get rid of those??

It just hit me.  I’M A HOARDER!!!!!  Holy crap, my friends are going to call that show and turn me in.  I need therapy, counseling, perhaps hospitalization!

I gotta go, I have some cleaning out to do before I’m writing stories from the big house……or whatever house they put me in.