Florida – Remaining Days

Wow is it hard to make (take) time to write when you’re on vacation!

Things went great and there are lots of stories, somehow a lot of the stories I won’t write about here but I think I can give some good ideas as to what’s been going on. If I’m vague, fill in the details as you wish.

Laying by the pool EVERY day.
Grocery shopping, gotta love the people you run into there.
Sunset celebrations by the pool. This is where the guy in the orange shorts was first spotted. Again, people watching at it’s finest. Imagine 15 adults attempting to hula hoop in bathing suits.
Finding a pool hall 10 minutes away from the resort. Score!! Then finding out that Stan from NY hangs out there and he’s full of crap. Story to be blogged later.
Finding dive bars and locals, nothing beats this. They have buckets of beer there too.. what a great concept.
Eating at the worst restaurant in the area. A Dominican place the locals told us about. Bad news, there was nothing good about it but we did find it awfully funny when Idaho was attempting to speak Spanish to them. He really only knows bad words in Spanish.
Hanging out on Daytona Beach while Tropical Storm Sean is brewing. Holy waves Batman!
Hanging out and laughing with a coworker and his wife who live near Daytona. What a great evening.
Watching 3 back to back episodes of Wipeout in the room and laughing until we cried. I know, pathetic but hilarious.
Being sick from the dive bbq place we found…..not so funny but a great way to get to know each other better.
Headaches, a bad back, a cracked foot, bad stomachs, sore shoulder, bruises and bumps. Not funny but funny.
Walking back from the pool, completely sober, going to our room and the key doesn’t work. After several tries each we realized we were on the wrong floor!! Thank goodness the third floor keys don’t work on the secnd floor! No idea what happened here, especially since we took the stairs.

The best thing about the trip was the laughing. Whether it was just us or we were with other people we met. That was the key to our trip. My suggestion: find something that makes you laugh every day.

Florida – Day 1 and 2

Well, we survived the first two days in Florida…..barely.

At 5:00 AM I caught my shuttle bus to the airport. Having gone to bed at 1:00, this was not a welcome scenario. I was tired and looking forward to the drive because it would be a great 2 or more hour nap. WRONG!! I was the only passenger on the shuttle and the driver was a talker. I did doze in and out and hopefully he stopped talking when I started snoring; however, it was windy so keeping it between the lines was a struggle for him. I was being thrown around like the captain of the Titanic. After a stop at Toby’s in Hinckley the trip was pretty good and napping was alright.

The reunion at the airport was great, so good to see him after 10 weeks. Our flight was great and we sat next to someone who was funny and friendly so that was pleasant. Our arrival at the resort was good and without incident. Our room does exactly what it’s designed to do and we’re basically in heaven.

We made our home at the restaurant for food and football yesterday afternoon and evening. Idaho is a talker so I couldn’t leave him alone for 5 minutes without him meeting someone new. We met interesting people from Britain and Washington. So much so we laughed so hard my ribs still hurt this morning. We are also both people watchers and completely find the swimwear and outfits people wear hilarious.

You can find the same types everywhere you go. The couple who has to make sure everyone notices them and their tan perfect bodies with designer swimwear, some plastic surgery and bratty kids. The bratty kids are always the haha moment for me. Then you have the older couple who have been in the sun for the past 6 weeks….straight and their skin looks like it’s made of some old shoe leather. Then you have that group of guys who are on a guys weekend, they’re fun to watch, for a minute or two, and then they’re just annoying. You will then find the best (or worst, however you want to look at it) swimsuits, the oddest outfits and best mullets.

Then we saw it, the best one of the day, the guy in the orange shorts, not a small guy, not a huge guy but somewhere in between, the best part of him was that his shorts were shoved so far up his rear end I think there was a permanent crease in them. This was so good it got us through conversation for a couple of hours. The part of that I love is that he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, him and his orange shorts are having a blast.

I’d tell some more stories but I’m going to keep this clean and sober, you’re welcome to use your imagination as it probably isn’t all that far off. I do know this, we’ve laughed a lot, had great weather, laughed a lot, had great food and laughed a lot. What more could you ask for on vacation?

Regrets

I read a post the other day that got me thinking. Yes, that means my head hurts and there’s smoke coming out of my ears.

I really wondered if I have regrets because I’ve tried to live life without them. I did decide there are a few and I will share, or partially share.

Ruining a friendship where I had more fun in a few years than one could hope for in a lifetime. This may be one of my only ‘real’ regrets.
Not taking the chance and going ‘downtown’ Tijuana to party with the locals when I was there for a wedding. Yes, I said a wedding.
Not hitchhiking before it was dangerous.
That night with….oh wait…ummm…a couple of…..hmmmm…well, perhaps I’ll leave it at that.
Not going to concerts at Paisley Park after bar when I had the chance. I never did see Prince in concert.
Eating that potato salad even after it bugged my tummy the first time. Uff da.
Not going ‘parking’ enough as an adult. Good make out sessions are definitely a thing of the past.
Not taking voice lessons, although I’m the world’s greatest singer in the car, everywhere else I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.
Not laughing more. And I laugh a lot, sometimes even when I shouldn’t.

It is my belief that you can’t live life with regrets, the choices we make form who we become. There really is only one true regret in my list but if that wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t be where I am today so all turned out well.

Here’s to no regrets and lots of laughs!

Vacation

I leave for vacation in less than a week! For me, that means it’s time to panic. For Idaho, it’s time for him to think I’m crazy. I’ve had my suitcase out for a couple of weeks and slowly started putting items in it. He thinks he might start packing on Saturday, which is the day before we leave!! I believe he may be the one that’s crazy…shhhh…don’t tell him I said that.

Last night I started the anxiety train about ‘forgetting something’ and packed my entire suitcase. I was almost ready to shut it when it hit me that I didn’t put any swim suits in! Seriously, there is something wrong with me, packing and zipping it 7 days before I’m ready to leave, without swimsuits. No wonder I forget stuff.

I used to travel for work and would basically do the same thing, worried I would end up in the middle of New Jersey shopping at a gas station for nylons, black socks or dress shoes. I was meticulous about making sure I had everything, even more so after my coworker packed two different color shoes one trip. She had to borrow a pair from another coworker, they were a bit big for her and we laughed the entire time she had to wear them. I wasn’t about to end up in front of a hundred Financial Advisors in tennis shoes or no shoes at all.

I’m sure I will ‘repack’ several times this week and still forget something. I’m leaving myself little to no room for error this time as I’m taking the shuttle to the airport. There will be no stopping to shop before the airport for sure. Speaking of the shuttle, if you’re on I 35 early Sunday morning and see me walking, please pick me up. I’ve never taken the shuttle before so hopefully it gets me to the airport on time and in one piece.

Here’s to a well packed suitcase, safe travels and a trip full of funny stories I can share.

I “Jogged” Today

Holy snapping ankles Batman!

Today I went to the gym at lunch – wrong thing to do. Note to self: there is not enough time to get there, change, stretch, have a decent workout, shower and get back to work in an hour.

I decided that I needed to get as much cardio in within my time limit as I could so I decided today I would go on the indoor track and walk a lap, then jog a lap. Well, we all know how I feel about jogging but today I felt I had to do it. The amount of calories I would have burned on the elliptical wouldn’t have amounted to a hill of beans.

I just watched Biggest Loser on Tuesday, I can do this. If a 372 lb guy can jog at a 9 on the treadmill for 20 seconds I should be able to jog a lap here and there on an indoor track. I walked the first few laps, attempting to gear up to a ‘jog’. There were a few older people walking pretty slow and one fairly fast walker. Here’s how it went:

Walked 5 or 6 laps (short track)
Jogged a lap (felt pretty good)
Walked a lap (get lapped by fast walker)
Jogged a lap (don’t catch the fast walker, felt okay)
Walked a lap (losing lots of ground on fast walker)
Jogged a lap (pass the slow walkers, almost catch the fast walker)
Walked a lap (breathing hard now, head starting to pound)
Jogged a lap (ankle wants to snap, I keep trucking and pass the fast walker, after he’s lapped me again)
Walked a lap (sweating profusely now)
Jogged a lap (decide I do not have the correct ‘equipment’ on for this, wonder where I need to shop for a good one)
Walked a lap (short breaths, chest hurts, slowed way down)
Jogged a lap (holy sweet mother of Mary how do people do this)
Walked a lap (it was more like dragged a leg for a lap as I was lapped by one of the slow people with a limp)
Sat on the rubber ball for a few minutes watching the fast walker do his thing and not break a sweat. Look down and my shirt is soaked, I have sweat running in my eyes and my ankles are screaming at me. But, I am still upright after what amounted to a third of a mile jogging.
Head to the locker room, victorious.

Another’s Gym Story

I love it when people share funny stories with me, especially about themselves. As you well know by now, I think it’s so healthy to be able to laugh at yourself. I received the following story via email today:

If you need to know anything about me, it’s that I’m long winded…. (which is obvious from the below BOOK) maybe if you play your cards right this situation can happen to you too! In retrospect, it was quite thrilling, my average hump day morning doesn’t generally start out with quite a bang!

So I got up at the a$$crack of dawn, went to the gym, got there surprisingly early and was able to actually drop my bag off in the locker room as opposed to dragging it to the spinning room. First. Time. Ever. so proud. (this should’ve been my first indication to turn around and go back home)

As I approached the locker room I noticed a sign hanging near the door but didn’t thoroughly read it. I got a locker, shoved my stuff in and headed to class. After class I headed back to the locker room half dead, I once again didn’t thoroughly read the lengthy sign hanging on the door, but this time did notice that it said ‘closed’ and ‘Friday’ was highlighted, I thought to myself ‘whatever, it’s Wednesday’. Coincidentally, I additionally noticed the locker room door was propped open, that seemed a bit weird but I still didn’t pay too much attention.

I got to my locker, felt lucky that I was the only one in the usually busy locker room, and as a result was pretty stoked that I should easily get the best shower in the joint! (bonus!) I undressed, wrapped myself in the tiny excuse of a towel (slightly bigger than a hand towel), did a little putzing in my bag looking for my shampoo…when suddenly I hear this SUPER loud noise, like something being dragged across the floor…then in the mirrors I noticed that the something being dragged across the floor was actually a giant workbench being pushed by 4 MALE workers!!! DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, more like HALF NAKED DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had nowhere to go because I was stuck in a U-shaped bank of lockers, a complete dead end! As I’m having a heart attack trying to calmly plan an escape route in my head, they finish pushing the damn workbench. Conveniently they stopped right in front of my row of lockers, they still hadn’t noticed me since I was basically stuffed half way in my locker, stealthily watching the fully clothed men in the mirrors. At this point I’m in a complete panic wondering how the F I’m going to get out of this pickle. I threw in my chips and finally peeked my head around the locker door and politely said “I’m going to get dressed and get out of your way” they all were VERY surprised to say the least and quickly (but not quick enough) moved to the back of the locker room away from my locker. I abruptly grab all my crap and bolt for one of the changing stalls down the way from my locker only to be met by yet another flippin fully clothed man, he stopped to let me cross his path, such a gentleman, and I muttered the same line to him as he snickered on by.

Yep, that’s how I started my day. Needless to say I threw my clothes back on and went to the other locker room, which was full of much smarter women who obviously read signs and don’t undress in locker rooms that have doors open. Ahhhh.

The only consolation is that because I merrily took my time putzing in my bag searching for shampoo, I didn’t actually make it into the shower before the clothed men arrived. That would’ve been a bit more horrifying, if that’s even possible.

I completely appreciate stories like that as I know I am not alone. The other funny part is she mentioned to me the name of the company these fully clothed men were working for and I know guys who work there!! I can’t wait to hear their side of the story.

Sleepless in Wisconsin IV

Oy ve. This no sleeping thing is for the birds. 2 nights in a row it’s been bad, bad, bad.

Here are my ramblings from those 2 nights.

Sunday morning 3:37 AM. What in the sam hell am I doing awake at this time of the morning again?? Going to the gym has helped me tremendously with my sleeping, at least I’m giving the credit to the gym, I actually have no idea why I’ve been sleeping better.

Here I am once again, on the couch, surfing through channels hoping to come across something that will lull me to sleep. I’m also looking for something that won’t embed itself into my unconscious if I do happen to fall asleep. I’m down into the ‘normal’ channels and I see nothing but infomercials and sports shows. Not good sports either, a Big Ten football game from 1991, a classic baseball game or some ultimate fighting rerun. Hey, guess what, we know who wins!!

The infomercials actually do lull me to sleep but then I wake up certain I have an acne problem, wanting to get rich quick on real estate or feeling like I need to order work out DVDs. It’s the same with overnight news programs. I think I know the news but get it mixed up because it’s buried deep so I wake up thinking there was guerrilla warfare in Canada, a plane crash in Kansas and a factory fire in Russia. When in all actuality there were gunshots reported in Minneapolis, a train derailment in Seattle and wildfires in California.

Perhaps if I’d stop writing at this time of the morning I could sleep!! Now there’s a thought. Back to my attempt to sleep.

It’s 6:30 AM and last night I couldn’t even get to sleep, forget the couple of hours of sleep BEFORE being up for the night. Well, last night I decided that I wasn’t going to look at the time, get out of bed or play Minesweeper or solitaire. Unfortunately what was left was to let my brain run wild. Not sure why I would do that…..well, actually I do know why, you just read how middle of the night TV works for me so I’m boycotting that. My back is also boycotting the couch, no matter how comfortable it is, it’s still not a bed.

My mind was mostly on my vacation that’s coming up so in my mind I:

Packed my bag, mad I haven’t been buying new clothes, then went off on a tangent of how I spend my money.
Got my outfit situated for the plan ride.
Worried about our room – I have to call the resort today.
Made plans for a day in Daytona.
Paid my credit card bill.
Made a work to-do list for before I leave.
Counted the number of times I can go to the gym and if I starve myself for 2 weeks how much weight I can lose.
Wondered if we’ll be ‘that couple’ at the airport when we see each other for the first time in almost 10 weeks – no, not ‘that couple’ looking for a broom closet – get your mind out of the gutter.
Made a home to-do list before I leave, like turning down the heat, having someone check on the place and doing laundry so I don’t come home to a mess.
Got off on a tangent about housework, work presentations, New Year’s (possibly traveling to North Carolina) and people from high school (don’t ask, I have no idea).
Thought of people who I could ‘borrow’ pain killers from to help me sleep. I have to be careful what kind though, some make me itch and I don’t mean a little itch. Itching from pain killers will be a story for later.

How is it you go through these things step by step in your head and they work out so perfectly? Then, when it comes time to actually do them, they don’t seem to go as planned? I will get to Florida and have forgotten to pack a pair of actual pants and it will rain every day or I will forget my ID or credit card for renting the car. Perhaps if I’d stop obsessing about it I would sleep!!!

Spiral Staircase

Most everyone who comes to my house falls in love with the spiral staircase that goes upstairs to my bedroom. It looks cool but boy can it be a pain in the rear.

The first reason they’re a pain is because you can’t just carry laundry up and down in a basket. Bringing laundry down is easy, I throw it over the edge. Taking laundry up, a different story. It tends to sit on the chair in the living room until I feel like getting a workout carrying it up the stairs. It’s quite the workout no matter how you look at it. I either try going up with one of the baskets in front of me, hitting the railing at every step, almost falling backwards, then readjusting, then one more step. The 11 stairs seem like a marathon at that point, on those days, I don’t need to go to the gym (at least that’s my excuse). The other way is to take the laundry without a basket. I approach this like I approach carrying in groceries, I have to do it in one trip (what is it with that?). Normally that ends in defeat, the clothes fall everywhere or end up on the steps and I have to go back to get them anyway.

The second reason they’re a pain is because they’re made of wood, slippery wood. If I forget and take the stairs down in socks I’m pretty much doomed to spend a step or two on my butt and no matter how much padding I have there, it still hurts like a bugger.

There’s also the issue of possibly drinking too much. Spiral staircases are not your friend when too many adult beverages have been consumed. I have to plan accordingly when I have company and figure out what it is they will be doing……do I dare put them up in my room or not?

A perfect example of the biggest reason the stairs are bad is yesterday morning at 12:11 AM I woke up in excruciating pain. Stomach cramps and a headache. By the time I reached for my phone, checked the time and started across the room I knew it was going to be a close call. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to go into detail about what exactly the close call was going to be so I won’t. As I shuffled across the floor upstairs it hits me that I have to make it down “the stairs” (play some horror movie music in your head right here). Immediately I start to sweat and clench. As I’ve mentioned, they’re not only spiral, they’re wood. That morning they’re wasn’t exactly time to be careful so I said a silent prayer and took them as fast as I could. As fast as I could was barely fast enough, through the living room, through the kitchen to relief. As I said a silent “thank you” I realized what I was really thankful for was that I didn’t finally have a story to tell around the campfire about having an “accident”.

Spiral stairs are nice to look at but before installing them in your house make sure you have a comfortable couch to sleep on that’s safely on the first floor and near a bathroom.

College Football

College football is sometimes said to be a religion…..well, I think I now have proof that it is.

My Idaho guy is an Oklahoma Sooners fan. The day I met him on the plane, he was dressed in a Sooners jersey, a Sooners long-sleeved shirt and a Sooners hat. If Wranglers made a pair of Sooners jeans he would have been wearing those I’m sure. I didn’t get a chance to check out the belt buckle, it could have been Sooners for all I know.

On a recent phone call, I told him that I was following the Sooners on Twitter so perhaps I could have an intelligent conversation with him in the coming weeks. Well, that’s all it took for him to get on a soap box and talk and talk and talk. I started to wonder if I needed Twitter to keep up on anything, all I needed to do was ask him.

As I got the giggles while he was talking he stopped and said, “you know, today I ran into a guy who said, “man, those Sooners should have a great season” and that’s all it took for me to unleash about college football. Well, 30 minutes later, I knew I should stop talking but just couldn’t get myself to do it. I finally said to the guy, I feel like one of those preachers in the south who just can’t shut up, I’m sorry.” He said the guy was already in some sort of a trance and just stared at him.

Then he said to me “I think I have a problem honey. Why do I do that?” The fact that I was already laughing hysterically did not help the situation at all. I was picturing him on a stage preaching to a sea of crimson and white about college football and I had to tell him that. I couldn’t give him any sound advice and honestly could barely speak at all. Needless to say the conversation took quite the turn and both of us laughed and made up stories for the next hour.

It’s surprising how quick the mind works and usually goes off on a tangent you don’t want it to. The scenario of him acting like a southern preacher played out very vividly in my mind and completely overtook my thoughts. I do believe college football is a religion to some. As a side note: I DO NOT call him on Saturdays.

Naughty Dog

Friends of mine own a naughty dog. She’s a cute Basset mixed with naughty. I mean eat a pound of butter off the kitchen counter naughty. Well, them being avid readers of Following Funny, they were kind enough to send me pictures of her latest escapade.

This is what happens when you forget to close the pantry door on your way to work. I believe there is now a sign on the back door that says “Close Pantry Door”.

Looks to me like she wasn’t exactly going after her dog food but did finish off a bag of Doritos, some bread, a good portion of the garbage and a soda while she read the paper. The least she could have done was found the broom in there and cleaned up after herself before she got caught. She must have been too stuffed from her little binge.

It seems what she really wanted what was in this container but her lack of thumbs prevented her from getting it open.

5 teeth holes and excessive scratches just didn’t get the job done, she must have given up and went for the Doritos.