A Break From the Gym

Ok, I confess, vacation did me in. I am now out of the habit of going to the gym. But, I’m getting back on track next week. No. Really, I am! I have to. And I have to because I see the signs:

The button on my suit jacket was screaming at me today. The poor little thing was completely struggling, especially when I was sitting down.
I have to actually unbutton my pants to take them off and put them on. They were big enough I didn’t have to do that before.
I look more pregnant than my pregnant friend. How embarrassing is that?
Going for a walk on break feels like I’ve run the half marathon (and in my mind I have).
My skinny jeans (I use this term VERY loosely) don’t get past my cheeks anymore. And by skinny I mean the skinniest ones in my closet, they’re still made by the tent and awning company but they’re the smallest I have.
My socks leave an indention in my ankles, more water, more water, more water, more exercise, more exercise, more exercise.
On Sunday my Vikings t-shirt looked like I had borrowed it from the 12-year old neighbor girl.

It’s time to suck it up, get back to the gym, shower with the old gals, be squeamish about the lack of grooming and sweat like a fat kid at a candy store with a quarter!

Tis The Season

It’s here! And it arrived a couple of weeks ago. I know it’s getting close when one of my favorite commercials starts to air. I laugh at pretty much every single one of her commercials but I think this is my all-time favorite:

Now that black Friday is over, it’s officially on. Tis the Season people, Tis the Season. Let the games begin, the Christmas decorators, the Christmas music listeners and the Christmas dressers. I for one am going to take the easy road on decorating this year like these people:

Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays and I love Christmas music, but when you have to start listening to it in October, it wears on you before the end of December. There’s only so many Christmas songs, doesn’t matter what genre you listen you, the songs are all the same. Wait until the first week of December and then have at it, but January 1 you better stop, I don’t want to hear it until February or someone’s losing a limb.

And now we get to the Christmas dressers. Oh, those poor, poor souls. I can be festive, but there’s “those” people, oh yeah, you know the ones, bells on their sweater, red and green socks, santa hats and candy canes in their pockets.

Speaking of bells, why do designers add them to sweaters, sweater vests and jean shirts? They’re always in a not so great spot. This also only encourages those people to shake…stuff….so they ring. All I can think about are strategically placed pasties that strippers wear. That’s not a good thought because getting out of that sweater that fit you in the 70’s and has been washed 40 times can’t be easy. The static it has to cause being pulled over your head could start an electrical fire.

Now let’s chat about santa hats. I bartend now and then and usually for the Holiday party I will be festive and wear a santa hat for a couple of hours, beyond that my head is sweating so bad I look like I should be sitting in a sauna. I’m sure you know the people who wear them for weeks and weeks. It’s like they’ve been waiting all year for this. Do you think these people wear that hat all year around in the comfort of their own home? Perhaps it’s some sort of fetish. Eww, I can’t believe I just went there.

Like I said, I am not ‘bah humbug’ but I believe some people have to get a grip on their ‘spirit’. Get involved, share the love, volunteer, buy lots of gifts, sing loud, decorate, but for the love of God, do not expect everyone to have the same ‘spirit’ you do. If you do expect that you’re likely to find bells where no one can hear them jingle and your santa hat being used as a muzzle.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

10 Ways to Make Your Workday Go Faster

Based on things I witness or have witnessed at work, I thought I’d do a top 10 Letterman style.

10. Keep your Facebook page open at all times so you can check it constantly. You never know what you might be missing during the day from your friends who don’t work or are trying to stay busy at their job.

9. Browse Craig’s List, then send your findings to your coworkers. They need something to keep them busy too.

8. Buy and sell on eBay, be sure to check your auctions often, it will not only keep you busy, it might drive you nuts watching the bids. Even though eBay is open 24/7 that doesn’t mean you’ll find any good deals after work.

7. Text. Again, you must have friends who don’t have jobs so please be sure to keep them company during the day.

6. Visit with everyone you can, who knows, you may be making their day go faster too. Linger after meetings, stop by desks to see what’s happening, talk about lunch plans, find whatever you can to chat about.

5. Find a complaint-buddy. You know, that person you can spend plenty of time during the day complaining to about how busy you are and how no one understands your world or can do your job. Again, perhaps both your days will go by faster. Don’t do this on breaks, that would be a waste of good away from work time.

4. Make phone calls, not quick ones, long ones, chat ’em up, take your time.

3. Take long late lunches. This is a fabulous way to make the day really short when you get back from lunch.

2. Play e-mail games with your friends. A long time ago a friend and I used to send each other a list of 10 words and we’d have to write a story that included those words. Creative and time-consuming!!

1. DO YOUR WORK!! I know this sounds crazy but it actually makes the day fly by.

Wisconsin-Speak

I moved to Wisconsin almost 9 years ago. One of the things I learned early on is that they have their own language here. Of course, I have picked up some of that language as well, even though I still say “I’m from Minnesota, I just happen to live in Wisconsin”. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

The County – “We’re going out to the county tonight.” I had no idea what that meant at first but realized it basically means the country or out-of-town. I find myself going to the county quite a bit now because I shoot pool for a bar in the county.

County Run – this is some sort of initiation into the Wisconsin lifestyle that is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. In short, this is where a bunch of people get together, leave early in the morning, get in a vehicle (or several), drive to the county and bar hop. Up here in the north land there are two county run loops, a short one and a long one. Usually the rule is to have one drink at each bar. My first experience with this was not long after I moved here and thank goodness we did the short loop. Eleven of us loaded in an orange van with a sober driver (this is another rule) who was also the treasurer. We met at a bar in town, each chipped in $20, loaded in the van and took off. There was drinking, food, karaoke (bad karaoke), arguing, a lot of fun and laughter and almost a fist fight. The whole thing was over 12 hours and I can’t count how many bars. The three of us ‘newbies’ somehow made it through this initiation but of course you get no trophy, no t-shirt and I really don’t think you’re supposed to talk about it. I think it’s a secret society.

Buying Beer – Although this term is used everywhere, it means something different here. In Wisconsin you can purchase adult beverages before 8:00 AM and after 10:00 PM. Being from Minnesota I had no idea these two things existed. There are bars here in Wisconsin that open at 6:00 AM!!!

Punching In – Again, this is a term that is used all over the world but here in Wisconsin it doesn’t mean going to work, it refers to when you had your first adult beverage of the day. This tends to happen a lot before noon. Time means nothing here, it’s a lot like Mexico that way.

You Can’t Drink All Day if You Don’t Start in the Morning – I believe Wisconsin is the birthplace of this saying. They take their beer very seriously here.

Cheesehead – Being a Vikings fan I will just say….you’re seriously wearing a piece of cheese on your head!!??

We’re Going to Watch Bucky – Little did I know they were talking about Bucky the Badger and college football. I thought we were going to a rodeo, wow was I disappointed, not being a Badger fan and all.

Let’s Go Bang on the Machines – Excuse me? What did you say? I had no idea when I moved here that you can gamble in bars. What a strange concept.

Let’s Go Have a Beer at The Garage – That’s odd, it’s cold, why do we have to stand in the garage? And, why are we getting in the car? I finally realized The Garage is actually a bar, granted, it is a guy’s garage, he’s just turned it into a bar. We park in his yard and drink in his double garage, it’s a great double garage but still.

Beer-thirty – Whatever time it is, it’s beer-thirty here in Wisconsin, they don’t judge, unless of course you’re going to wait until 5:00 to have a beverage, then they judge.

Bubbler – This is what they call a drinking fountain here. I don’t understand it, I don’t get it and I won’t use that term.

Duck Duck Goose – ????? No idea how that differs from Duck Duck Gray Duck but I won’t play it, sounds scary.

What Kind of Cheese Would You Like With That? – Pretty much any dish you order with cheese here in Wisconsin, you get your choice of cheese. And it’s not just a couple of types of cheese, there’s some offered you’ve probably never heard of.

There are tons more and I’m sure I’ll get comments and suggestions on others to share. I will do so when I gather enough. Until then, I challenge you to use one of the above and see how your friends react.

Meeting Etiquette

Pet Peeve: inattentive meeting participants

I’ve decided that meetings are unproductive because people don’t pay attention. Here is what I’ve seen in the last few weeks during meetings:

Cell phones!! Cell phones should be banned from meetings unless you are expecting an emergency call. Oh no, I watch people check Facebook, play games and text. Really people? We’re adults, perhaps your workplace would be better if YOU LISTENED IN MEETINGS and were a positive participant.
Talking to other attendees. There may be a time during a lull that you can whisper something to your neighbor; however, there are people who do this constantly throughout the meeting. Even giving them the hairy eyeball doesn’t seem to shut them up.
Computers. It’s one thing if you’re typing notes up from the meeting but it’s another thing to be doing everything else. Not long ago I watched a manager answer instant messages, type emails and surf the internet during a meeting. Each time the meeting speaker came around to our side of the table, she would put her ‘notes page’ up and pretend to type. It was obvious she wasn’t getting anything out of the meeting and all I wanted to do was hit her in the back of the head with a frying pan.

Remember back in the day when there was a cure for things like this? It would be nice not to treat adults like children but it’s inevitable. Here are my solutions:

For cell phones, I think you should get it slapped out of your hand with a ruler. In the seventh grade my Algebra teacher smacked a ruler on my fingers because he had taught my brothers…apparently it was guilt by association and he needed to make a statement. We didn’t turn teachers in back then for being physical, in fact, our parents probably encouraged it and signed waivers.

For the talkers, duct tape their mouth shut. In the fifth grade I watched a classmate get his mouth duct taped shut for continually talking during class. Not just a piece of tape, he wrapped it around his whole head, more than once. Good thing the kid didn’t have a cold.

For computers, make the person lay face down with their nose touching the floor. In fourth grade I had to do this during recess because I got in trouble for not paying attention during a class. Seems like an easy task until you have to lay there for 15 minutes with your head up and just your nose touching the floor. Odd but effective.

Now, I don’t need a whole bunch of comments that I encourage abuse and violence because I don’t; however, I do think those of us who were punished back in the day in similar ways turned out pretty good. It would be good to bring that back to the present day.

I do fantasize about hitting someone with an oversized frying pan, kind of like a cartoon. You know what I mean, you smack them, their tongue darts out and their eyes bulge. Then they go away rubbing the back of their head. Such a great mental picture for me and a great therapy tool, try it sometime. You can use your weapon of choice, it doesn’t have to be an oversized cast iron frying pan.

What Makes You Laugh?

As I write blogs, check comments, look at my stats and check my followers I often wonder if I’m really making people laugh? How many people read a story and never come back because they don’t find me funny? Perhaps a lot. Perhaps very few. Obviously not the same thing makes everyone laugh, let’s face it, what fun would that be?

I started thinking about what really makes me laugh (yes, I know it’s almost everything) and had to go back into my memory banks and archives to find a few things that make me laugh, sometimes uncontrollably. Let’s see if the same things make us laugh.

This cartoon has been my favorite for as long as I can remember. In fact, when I was married we bought the VHS tape that had this on it. I lost the tape in the divorce, I’m still upset about that. I actually was never a huge Bugs Bunny fan either, go figure.

I’m also not a huge monkey fan but this picture makes me smile. I’m not positive where I got it but I think it showed up in a card I received from a roommate once which means I’ve been dragging it around for years, I bet I still have the card from her somewhere too.

This cartoon came to me in 2003 and it’s still getting mileage today. There has never been a time I’ve looked at this and haven’t laughed. Such a classic.

Favorite cartoon movie scene. I actually use the line “what do you want me to do, dress and drag and do the hula” quite often.

I also enjoy Ren and Stimpy; however, could not find a clip of Ren being allergic to Stimpy which is my favorite.

Hopefully these remind you of some of your go-tos for laughter. If not, you can borrow some of mine if you want.

No Regrets

I wrote about regrets so I better talk about things I don’t regret. It’s only fair, right? This list could be a mile long but I will keep it to some highlights, and perhaps a couple lowlights.

Going to Bike Week and sleeping in the rental car for 3 nights.
College – all of it.
Taking a chance and giving Idaho my phone number at the airport.
A marriage…..oh, and a divorce (that was the best part).
Childhood in a small town.
Skinny dipping in the ocean.
Both road trips to Cross Lake.
Driving to Florida – twice!
Being stranded at the Detroit airport overnight.
Any trip to Madden’s, even the one where we met two brothers.
Any job I’ve had.
Getting my mug shot taken.
Going to Tijuana for a wedding.
Starting a blog.
That one night in Vegas.
The road trip to Chicago.

Like I said, the list could be miles long but I will stop while I’m ahead (or behind, however you look at it).

Live life with no regrets. That’s my two cents for today.

Regrets

I read a post the other day that got me thinking. Yes, that means my head hurts and there’s smoke coming out of my ears.

I really wondered if I have regrets because I’ve tried to live life without them. I did decide there are a few and I will share, or partially share.

Ruining a friendship where I had more fun in a few years than one could hope for in a lifetime. This may be one of my only ‘real’ regrets.
Not taking the chance and going ‘downtown’ Tijuana to party with the locals when I was there for a wedding. Yes, I said a wedding.
Not hitchhiking before it was dangerous.
That night with….oh wait…ummm…a couple of…..hmmmm…well, perhaps I’ll leave it at that.
Not going to concerts at Paisley Park after bar when I had the chance. I never did see Prince in concert.
Eating that potato salad even after it bugged my tummy the first time. Uff da.
Not going ‘parking’ enough as an adult. Good make out sessions are definitely a thing of the past.
Not taking voice lessons, although I’m the world’s greatest singer in the car, everywhere else I can’t carry a tune in a bucket.
Not laughing more. And I laugh a lot, sometimes even when I shouldn’t.

It is my belief that you can’t live life with regrets, the choices we make form who we become. There really is only one true regret in my list but if that wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t be where I am today so all turned out well.

Here’s to no regrets and lots of laughs!

Vacation

I leave for vacation in less than a week! For me, that means it’s time to panic. For Idaho, it’s time for him to think I’m crazy. I’ve had my suitcase out for a couple of weeks and slowly started putting items in it. He thinks he might start packing on Saturday, which is the day before we leave!! I believe he may be the one that’s crazy…shhhh…don’t tell him I said that.

Last night I started the anxiety train about ‘forgetting something’ and packed my entire suitcase. I was almost ready to shut it when it hit me that I didn’t put any swim suits in! Seriously, there is something wrong with me, packing and zipping it 7 days before I’m ready to leave, without swimsuits. No wonder I forget stuff.

I used to travel for work and would basically do the same thing, worried I would end up in the middle of New Jersey shopping at a gas station for nylons, black socks or dress shoes. I was meticulous about making sure I had everything, even more so after my coworker packed two different color shoes one trip. She had to borrow a pair from another coworker, they were a bit big for her and we laughed the entire time she had to wear them. I wasn’t about to end up in front of a hundred Financial Advisors in tennis shoes or no shoes at all.

I’m sure I will ‘repack’ several times this week and still forget something. I’m leaving myself little to no room for error this time as I’m taking the shuttle to the airport. There will be no stopping to shop before the airport for sure. Speaking of the shuttle, if you’re on I 35 early Sunday morning and see me walking, please pick me up. I’ve never taken the shuttle before so hopefully it gets me to the airport on time and in one piece.

Here’s to a well packed suitcase, safe travels and a trip full of funny stories I can share.

College Football

College football is sometimes said to be a religion…..well, I think I now have proof that it is.

My Idaho guy is an Oklahoma Sooners fan. The day I met him on the plane, he was dressed in a Sooners jersey, a Sooners long-sleeved shirt and a Sooners hat. If Wranglers made a pair of Sooners jeans he would have been wearing those I’m sure. I didn’t get a chance to check out the belt buckle, it could have been Sooners for all I know.

On a recent phone call, I told him that I was following the Sooners on Twitter so perhaps I could have an intelligent conversation with him in the coming weeks. Well, that’s all it took for him to get on a soap box and talk and talk and talk. I started to wonder if I needed Twitter to keep up on anything, all I needed to do was ask him.

As I got the giggles while he was talking he stopped and said, “you know, today I ran into a guy who said, “man, those Sooners should have a great season” and that’s all it took for me to unleash about college football. Well, 30 minutes later, I knew I should stop talking but just couldn’t get myself to do it. I finally said to the guy, I feel like one of those preachers in the south who just can’t shut up, I’m sorry.” He said the guy was already in some sort of a trance and just stared at him.

Then he said to me “I think I have a problem honey. Why do I do that?” The fact that I was already laughing hysterically did not help the situation at all. I was picturing him on a stage preaching to a sea of crimson and white about college football and I had to tell him that. I couldn’t give him any sound advice and honestly could barely speak at all. Needless to say the conversation took quite the turn and both of us laughed and made up stories for the next hour.

It’s surprising how quick the mind works and usually goes off on a tangent you don’t want it to. The scenario of him acting like a southern preacher played out very vividly in my mind and completely overtook my thoughts. I do believe college football is a religion to some. As a side note: I DO NOT call him on Saturdays.