Naughty Dog

Friends of mine own a naughty dog. She’s a cute Basset mixed with naughty. I mean eat a pound of butter off the kitchen counter naughty. Well, them being avid readers of Following Funny, they were kind enough to send me pictures of her latest escapade.

This is what happens when you forget to close the pantry door on your way to work. I believe there is now a sign on the back door that says “Close Pantry Door”.

Looks to me like she wasn’t exactly going after her dog food but did finish off a bag of Doritos, some bread, a good portion of the garbage and a soda while she read the paper. The least she could have done was found the broom in there and cleaned up after herself before she got caught. She must have been too stuffed from her little binge.

It seems what she really wanted what was in this container but her lack of thumbs prevented her from getting it open.

5 teeth holes and excessive scratches just didn’t get the job done, she must have given up and went for the Doritos.

How to Lose Your Job

In my work experience I have only been dismissed from my job once. However, I have been privy to or a part of several things that SHOULD have gotten me fired. I will not tell you which of these things I have actually done, you’ll just have to guess.

Saying the F word to the owner of the company.
While schlepping packages at a parts company, the boss yelled and asked an office employee why they were stacking packages on pallets in the warehouse. He yelled this from his office which was above the warehouse floor. Well the employee, being mad already that packaging wasn’t doing their job said something along the lines of “if you don’t like it get your (insert F word here) a$$ down here and do it yourself”. There were several other things said by the employee including more curse words . Needless to say that employee was not on the job much longer although it was posed as a ‘lay-off’.

Shutting the company down.
At a technology company a customer service person was accused of shutting the company down for 4 days because she opened an email with a virus. There were never any facts presented in the matter and she blamed someone in the Development group. The jury is still out on whether or not it was really her. She nor the developer lost their jobs but they sure did a lot of filing for 4 days.

Drinking margaritas during lunch.
Two women decided to try out a new Mexican restaurant at lunch. As luck would have it if you bought a margarita you received a free sombrero. Well, why not, one margarita couldn’t hurt. One margarita turned into two margaritas as they were delicious.   Feeling slightly tipsy (they were not wimpy margaritas)  giggles erupted on the way back to the office and as they were riding up the elevator the conversation was something like this:
Woman 1: Okay, we can do this.
Woman 2: Shhhh, we’re fine.
Woman 1: Seriously, those were strong.
Woman 2:  <Giggle, giggle> I know but good.
Woman 1:  Ok (pointing her finger), be serious, no one will know.
Woman 2: We’re fine, straighten up.
As they get into the office the receptionist says “were you two drinking at lunch?” Woman 1 says “why would you think that?” The receptionist starts laughing hysterically and says “because you are each wearing a sombrero”. The two women look at each other and the massive hats with astonishment as they both completely forgot they were wearing them. Immediately taking the hats off, straightening up and heading straight to their desks they swore to stay away from people as much as possible the rest of the day. This did not cost them their jobs but easily could have.

I’m sure I will think of more stories and I bet you know of a time you or someone else should have or did lose their job because of something they did that was not so ethical but pretty funny.

Funny Pictures II

Start writing a blog about funny things and people will start sharing stuff with you like nobody’s business. Here are a few things I’ve received lately:

This was on sale on Ebay. Do you think the extra legs come with the dance uniform?

Can’t imagine why this guy is walking alone.

Look closely, a very rare siting of three fanny packs. Thank goodness for cameras.

And the best for last from the front window of a craft store…………

Fortune

What do you think it means when you get a fortune that has a typo in it or something was lost in translation? Does that mean you will have really bad luck for life or something? I’m a little worried about that because my last fortune said:

“May the warm winds of heaven blow softly upon your sprint.”

Now, we are all very aware that I do not sprint, even if the warm winds of heaven are pushing me at hurricane speeds. Pretty sure God can’t even get this rear end to sprint. I also haven’t dared throw it away yet for fear that’s more bad luck. I can only hope that sprint was supposed to say spirit.

My quest now is to find a Chinese philosopher who could help me out with this. If I find one I will share the news of what a fortune like this means. Until then, here’s hoping the winds are strong if I need to sprint somewhere.

Versatile Blogger Award

Apparently someone nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award. I appreciate it from a fellow blogger. Broke Wife, Big City was kind enough to pass the nomination on to me. From what I can tell, there are rules to this award, one of which is I have to list 7 random things about me. Here goes the 7 things…..

I’m a Monday night TV junkie.
I like to find dive bars wherever I travel to, places where not a lot of people go and you don’t have to worry about what you wear or who you are. This bar will preferably have shag carpet on the walls, two old guys playing cribbage and a crabby bartender that loosens up after he/she “gets to know” you.
I’m from a small town in central Minnesota, my parents knew what I did about 3 minutes after I did it. You have to love coming home to all the lights on and them standing in the kitchen to have a little chat.
My Mom once picked me up from a party in her bathrobe, she came in the house asking people where I was. All my classmates saw her. I was never late again.
I’m deathly scared of snakes, nutcrackers and striped sheets. Don’t ask, I have no idea.
I would love to travel to Australia.
I would never kick Jason Aldean out of bed….unless of course he wanted to do it on the floor. I know he’s married but…..a girl has to have one fantasy.

Another rule is to nominate 15 other bloggers for this award. Thank goodness I’ve been reading Freshly Pressed and doing some searching to see what others are up to. Here’s my best shot:

Barb’s Blast – A funny read

Not Quite Old – A great perspective

Minnesota Transplant – God love Minnesota

The Reviews Are In – Love the football and food segments

All Write – He wrote about The Hole in the Wall and I love books

Chuck Cotton – The bacon scenes blog is the best

An Attempt at Humor – Funny

Jen Aussie Adventure – I’m a fan of Australia

Sweet and Weak – Great concept

Coffee and Bare Feet – Not enough kids are willing to be advocates for God

The Biz of Pacelinebiz – Long-time blogger

Changing My Life in a Year (more or less) – A fellow struggler

Elementary My Dear Reader – Love movies and books

What I Meant 2 Say – Honest

Winnemucca Move – My friend Jena who has moved to Nevada and has a great outlook on the situation.

Whew, that’s a lot of information for an award that doesn’t allow me to do an acceptance speech on stage and have the teleprompter tell me to wrap up for 6 minutes until they finally go to commercial. This post will have to do.

Thank you, I am truly honored.

Gym Orientation

I did not think that I would write about the gym so much! I now realize the gym is a breeding ground for funny in so many ways.

Last week I had weight orientation with a wonderful trainer. Weight orientation is where they show you the machines, ask what your trouble spots are (like they can’t see) and get you started on a good weight routine. We also laughed a lot, not sure that’s the normal routine but it worked for me.

Well, first of all, I really just thought she was going to show us the machines and explain them… oh no, we had to try them out, etc. I was a little late getting there so I had my work clothes on and left my work-out clothes in the car.

How nice to be trying out the machines in dress shoes, jeans and a white sweater (of course with a stain from lunch on it). People were looking at me like I was crazy. About half-way through the orientation one of my underwires decided to attempt to escape and was poking me in a not so great place. When those things happen there’s no lady-like way to fix it other than grabbing, pulling, shifting and maneuvering. So tough being a woman sometimes.

As we were finishing up I did see a fellow with jeans and a Larry The Cable Guy flannel on using work gloves as weight lifting gloves so I didn’t feel so bad. The gloves even looked like they might have had a little residue left on them from the farming he’d done earlier.

Gotta love us rednecks going to the gym. Maybe I’ll pick up a pair of those gloves this week for my weight work-outs.

Surprise Party

Yesterday we had a surprise party for one of our friends. Her husband planned it but a bunch of us girls were responsible for keeping her away from home for most of the day. There were some key elements to pulling this off:

Get together the night before so she thinks nothing will go on two nights in a row. Stay out until 2:00 AM.
Make the party beans when you get home at 2:15 AM.
Laugh uncontrollably while doing this with your partner in crime (one of the other girls) because you measure by the handful and make too many beans for the crock pot but ‘make them fit’.
Go to bed at 3:00 AM.
Get up at 6:00 AM to accompany one of the girls because she has to do 5 hair-dos for a wedding.
Fall asleep at her client’s house in the chair….twice….one time jerking awake as you had a dream you were falling.
Get to pedicure appointment around 9:30 to meet up with the other 7 girls.
Allow a very tiny woman to do your toenails and give you a leg ‘massage’. I use the term massage loosely as I think she’s a dominatrix at her second job.
Laugh the entire time at the salon because we’re a bunch that thinks most everything is funny.
Go to the grocery store and buy $130 worth of food for lunch at my house. Tip: Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and thirsty with someone else who is hungry and thirsty.
Spend an hour or so having lunch and drinks. Tip: Always have a house that’s presentable in case you decide to invite people over at the last minute.
Move the party out to the country to someone else’s house for drinks and haircuts.
Start panicking at 3:00 as a group as we’re supposed to have the birthday girl to her house in 30 minutes and we don’t have a story yet.
Almost get caught by the birthday girl several times trying to make plans.
Husband calls birthday girl saying he’s going to bbq for everyone at their house. Bring a can of beans. Well, one can of beans, the leftover lunch food and a cooler are packed to make it look legitimate. Us laughing at one can of beans almost spilled the beans about the party. We deserve Emmys.
Arrive at party an hour and a half late. But the birthday girl is completely surprised.
Eat too much.
Look at hilarious pictures of birthday girl and her family, missing the 80s.
Drink too much.
Talk smart with friends and family.
Sit by the ‘fire’. It was more of an inferno as we had to sit 25 feet away because it was so huge.
Watch birthday husband fall head first for no reason into a pile of wood in the dark.
Watch husband’s friend ‘check for injuries’ with the light from his cell phone while laughing hysterically.
Go inside to use the bathroom and see birthday relative with no pants on. Seriously, she was undressing with the door of the bedroom open right inside the door from outside!
Round up 5 people for the trek home at 11:30 because of the trama of the no pants incident.
Laugh all the way home at the stories from the day.
Sleep like a baby.

The key to success was a relaxed day, good friends, a little luck and lots of laughs.

Gym-Bound

I’m going to join the gym, again. This obviously isn’t the first time and it will not be the last I’m sure. But right now, I’m doing it, I’m going to join the gym. I’m excited, I’m joining with one of my friends, I figure the buddy system is the best way to go, not only for moral support but to be there to document the good stuff.

Last time I was gym-bound I had a buddy as well but she didn’t always want to get up in the mornings so I would go by myself.

The following near death experience is why I quit going last time.

My normal workout was 45 minutes on the elliptical, sometimes I would even bike or walk the treadmill, I really thought I was doing great. One particular morning I decided on the treadmill, there was only one other ‘exerciser’ in the room.

Since I had been working out for months and could do a pretty good pace on the elliptical I thought I would try to jog, what a better time then when the place is empty, right? I walked at a pretty good pace for about 10 minutes and then upped it to a slow jog, now, when I say slow, it’s pretty darn slow. Here’s how it went:

This is great, I can do this
Watch out Grandma’s marathon, here I come
I wonder if I should speed it up a little
Whew, getting winded, wonder if it’s been 5 minutes?
This is harder than I thought, did this thing speed itself up?
Legs are tightening up
I wonder if the other exerciser can see me struggle?
I look over to see him through a blur.
Is this thing speeding up more?
I’m losing my eyesight, my God, I’m going blind!
I’m losing consciousness!
I wonder if the other exerciser will call 911?
I’m screaming for help but nothing is coming out
Apparently he’s not going to call 911 for me
I stab at the machine until it slows way down
I remove myself from the devil machine, looking around for oxygen
I drag a leg over to the water cooler
I look around wondering if he saw me
I check the time, so sure it’s been 10 minutes…….
47 seconds!
I almost died at 47 seconds from jogging
Eff this, I’m going back to the elliptical……

I sure hope my new workouts go better than my last. I will keep you posted.

People of Wal-Mart

Now, I refuse to post the people of Wal-Mart photos here as there is a website dedicated to them (click here). However, I received an email today with some new photos and I haven’t had one for a few months. I’m not going to lie, to see these boosts my ego. I sometimes wonder if these people are planted and they pose for these photos, today I realize a majority of them are probably true though. Here’s why:

Some heavy women tend to think they look good in anything, including fish net stockings and a mini-skirt that’s 3 sizes too small. You can find this at any state fair.
People don’t read what’s on their shirts, front or back. I have seen a VERY large woman in a restaurant with a shirt on that said “Big Daddy”. You really put that on to go into public?
Just because you’re skinny doesn’t mean you can show off everything, that includes muffin tops, tattoos, butt cracks and butt cheeks. I see this all the time, even at work.
I understand you might be crazy, but don’t advertise it by wearing your hospital gown, your pink size 13 high heels (men) or your lingerie to the store. I work in downtown Duluth, I see these things on a weekly basis.
No one would walk into a public place with a poop stain in the shorts willingly, no way, no how. No way that one is fake!

I believe these pictures could be labeled, People of the State Fair, People of the County Fair, People of My Hometown or People at the Flea Market. They are everywhere, some of us may even be these people from time to time, I have some items I wear walking that should not be for public consumption.

My advice to you: cover it up, buy it big enough, wear underwear smaller than your shorts, check out the damage after some bad gas and for the love of God read very carefully what your shirt says before you wear it in public.

Movies

The summer movie list I re-posted last week made me think of something I made notes on years ago, I finally found that list. I love watching movies and I love taking home tidbits from those movies. Here’s the first list:

The Goonies – Always be nice to the big ugly guy, he’ll come through for you in the end.
Uncle Buck – Act like a lunatic if you want someone to be scared of you.
Great Outdoors – Never mess with a bald bear.
The Sandlot – Never swallow snuff your first time.
A League of Their Own – Go big or go home.
Men at Work – Leave the dead guy where you found him.
The Lion King – You should always have a motto.
Tommy Boy – Don’t put on your skinny friend’s clothes.

I’ll share more later. This is just a drop in the bucket.