Back to School

Remember this time of year when you were a kid?

These days it means something different to me and a bunch of my friends.  For me, it means the weather is going to change, Christmas is coming and I’m still not living in the Caribbean.  For some of my friends it means going to the mall, where is the money going to come from and days getting longer with extracurricular activities before and after school.

The first day of school came and pictures were taken and away we went on the bus, hoping for the best.  The pictures got developed six months down the road, maybe even longer, and your first day of school picture was mixed in with pictures from a wedding, a tree getting cut down, something on fire and 10 pictures of people at the family reunion you couldn’t remember because the film had been in the camera for so long.

Now the picture gets taken and immediately it’s shared with hundreds of people on some social media site who comment and ohhh and ahhh over how big the kids are and how cute they are.  And then it happens, you see that one picture, oh yeah, you know the one, where the proud parent posts the picture of their kid and you scroll down to take a look and almost pee your pants from sheer terror.

There are several reasons I didn’t have children, one clearly being I would have been blessed with an ugly, mean and very unruly child, karma stings sometimes.  The kicker is I would have known my child was a menace, I would not have sugar-coated it.  I saw a picture this week of a young child who frightened me so terribly I had to call someone.  Someone who actually knew this child and would also tell the truth.  I outright asked if we should worry about the other children on the bus or if there were any younger siblings to worry about.    I didn’t dare look into the child’s eyes even in the picture for fear my soul would have been sucked out.  I looked away very quickly.  Some photos are never meant to be shared.

I also saw a few pictures where I would have liked to post a comment along the lines of “are they going to school or a pajama party?” or “did he borrow your pants?” or “what brand of pork chop did you use to comb their hair?”  Kids nowadays I tell ya.  I am still convinced even the 80’s  fads were better than what’s going on now.

I’m glad we didn’t have social media back then, one first day picture and one school picture were humiliating enough for me for the year.  Sometimes we’d even throw in a family picture now and then, that usually happened the day after I cut my own bangs with a Fiskers.

Because I was from a small town there were never a whole bunch of new kids to meet, I didn’t worry about not knowing anyone, nervous about where to sit on the bus or who  to sit with at lunch.  Not until week two or three anyway, that’s about the time the bickering and fighting started within the little clicks.  It would last for a few days and then go away and cycle back again.  Some people wish for those days back, I DO NOT.  I would dare to bet that still happens.

The part that’s different now I noticed is the school supplies.  Now a list is sent to you on what your kid should have on the first day.  A certain kind of pencil, certain types of folders, a particular notebook, etc.  Well, really?  I’m certain my parents did not get a list of stuff we needed and we certainly didn’t have a community pool of stuff that everyone pulled from.  I had to beg, borrow and steal if I forgot to bring a pencil on the first day.  Lots of schools have ‘community supplies’ so everyone has the same things and enough for the entire year.  Sharing?  Who would have thought?

What happened to the Scott Baio or Michael Jackson folders though?  With Mrs. Scott Baio scribbled all over the outside?  Now, I’m not saying I had Scott Baio folders, it was just an example.  I’m sure you know what I’m saying here, there was always some teen idol we were thinking we’d marry some day….or a guy a couple of years older than us.  One of my friends and I always had a crush on a couple of brothers 6 and 7 years older than we were, oh so young and naïve.  Those were the names you wrote on the inside of your folder because you thought no one would see them there.  Everyone still saw them, kids are nosey…..and ruthless.

I look longingly as I pass schools now, refraining from stopping to tell them that their school years don’t define them and that their whole life happens after that, those are just starter years to get them in the groove.

Now back to snickering at more first day pictures…….

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Daily Prompt – Sunshine

I decided to do the Daily Prompt from WordPress today.  The challenge was to think of a word, do a Google image search on it and then write about the 11th image that came up.  Needless to say by the time I finished reading the challenge I had thought of several words and I was biased.

What to do?  Well, I enlisted the help of Idaho to give me a word.  Knowing full well it could be a disaster, I sent him a text to ask for the first word that came to his mind…..fail, didn’t dare use that one………I asked for a second one, his word was ‘sunshine’.  I’m not sure if he’s been drinking at work today because that was a bit of an odd choice but I wasn’t about to ask for a third one so I’m going with sunshine.  My photo came from the website http://www.parisdjs.com/index.php/post/Paris-DJs-Soundsystem-Morning-Sunshine and here it is:

It’s funny that sunshine would be the word he picked today I feel as I am the farthest thing from sunshine.  I have my moments of niceness but I’m a bit stressed out with coworkers today so the door to my office has been closed.  I don’t want my non-sunshiney mood to creep out into the lives of others.  I’ve been trying to be conscious of that more and more lately.  Just because I’m having a frustrating day doesn’t mean everyone else is.  More than once today I pictured me clobbering someone over the head with a frying pan or gouging their eyes out with a spoon.  No, I did not act on it, I exercised self-control I think is how they put it.

Just for the fun of it I Googled ‘frustration’ and the 11th image is from http://booksyourkidswilllove.blogspot.com/2011_02_01_archive.html.

Now that’s more like it!  That’s about what I looked like for a majority of the morning, or felt like it at least, he’s pretty cute though and I wasn’t cute.  Then I took my lunch to write this story and being able to be mouthy and sarcastic by writing has helped my attitude immensely.  Now I almost am sunshiney.  Look out world, a frustrated, sunshiney girl is on the loose, I can’t wait to see what the day ends up like.  I bartend tonight, this ought to be good.

Same Name

Ever wonder who else has your name out there?  I bet some of you even know a person with your same name.  I’m curious now and then so I Googled myself today.  I know, I know, if we would have said that 20 years ago our parents would have scolded us.

I was pleasantly surprised that the first three entries were my LinkedIn page, Following Funny’s Twitter and Pinterest.  Then it’s no longer me but  my name is on a page with Chuck, in Mount Prospect, Illinois, I’m also on MyLife in Madrid, oh how exciting, someone with my name is in Madrid!  At closer inspection, it’s Madrid, IA, not quite as exciting.

On the first page there is also all the “find the address, phone number and criminal record” results that come with all name searches.  I’m okay not searching for my criminal record, I know all too well what it is…..I mean, I’m sure I don’t have a criminal record.

As I go through the pages of results I find out I am in Pleasantville, PA and London, Ontario, I was slightly excited here again with the whole London thing but no such luck, it’s Canada, eh.  I found that my Twitter account has a value of $31.74 which I have no idea what that means but I’ll take a check for that and I’ve recently been on an Alzheimer’s walk, wonder how much money I raised?

A majority of the first 5 pages are not me which is a bit of a relief since most of it’s crap anyway.  Following Funny’s Facebook page didn’t come up so I might want to do something about that.

To take my curiosity further I clicked on the “images” search in Google and found some gems.  Of course, I picked out the ones I thought were the funniest to share with you.

I do hope I wear this outfit one day!

Not my dog, but it’s cute.  I hope its name isn’t Peggy, that’s not a very good name for a dog.

This is for sure not me as the troops would not want me to wear my pajamas for them.  Nice legs though.

No clue what is happening here.

This is not me, nor a relative of mine that I’m aware of but I do love how this picture was tweaked in Photoshop for some reason or another.  Maybe the picture is from a police line-up photo and the height lines were removed.  Wonder what her crime was?

This one disturbs me.  There’s the unibrow, the closed eyes and the possibility his nipples have been removed.

Okay, I’m quitting before I have bad dreams.  It was fun while it lasted.  I encourage you to Google yourself, it gave me a good laugh.

Botched Photo Opps

Today on my way home from lunch I had a photo opportunity and I didn’t get to take advantage of it.  I was driving on the freeway and a car zoomed past me, clearly speeding.  I did a double take as it was a not-new 4 door Olds Cutlass Supreme.   That’s not really what was funny, it was the fact that he had a spoiler on it.  No, not a normal spoiler that perhaps would come standard with a ride like that but a spoiler you would find on a sprint car possibly.   It looked like the photo below, not kidding, it was still black too!!

I did attempt to take a picture but the guy caught me so I had to pretend I was texting.  Which I shouldn’t be doing while driving either.

This weekend I also could have used my camera.  I was standing in a bar and a woman came in and said “there’s too many cameras out there, I’m not looking my best today”.  Now, I am one who likes to find something attractive about everyone but at this point of this particular day I could not wrap my head around what her best could possibly look like.   Over half of one of her front teeth was black, not the bottom of it but the top of it.  It was giving up on her from the roots down.  She had a pair of stretch pants on from sometime in the 80’s, about 4 inches too short and a very faded black.  She had also spilled bbq sauce down the entire front of her shirt. I’ll stop there, you get the idea.  Wonder if anyone outside got a shot of her.

During pool tournaments this last weekend we had a potluck.  Food galore!  I was thankful I went before the group of people who were eating when they went through line.  Not only eating but taking a fork, sticking it in a crock pot, eating what was on the fork and then putting it in the next crock pot.  I would have loved to have a video of that.  Mostly they were doing this because their plates were so overloaded they couldn’t fit anything else on them.

I think I need to get one of those pins with a camera in it so I can catch these things as they happen and share them with all of you.  Keep your cameras handy!

Funny Blog Search III

Time to share what I’ve found under my blog searches category lately.

  • funny dog on heat pictures– I’m not sure what a ‘dog on heat’ is but it sounds like a dog on crack to me, hope they found the pictures they were looking for, doubt they found them here.
  • naked women put on lotion– This poor sap found my site, how sad for them, I’m pretty sure I didn’t provide what they were really looking for.
  • dryer bar all over my pillows – Well, this would suck if the dryer bar got stuck on someone’s pillow, I didn’t give any good advice for this issue, sorry.
  • monkeys – The fact my site comes up when someone searched for ‘monkeys’ is very sad, I think I once posted one picture of monkeys, hope they found it.
  • what are funny things that make you sleepless? – I’m so glad I’m not alone in this world wondering what makes me sleepless.
  • are talking to myself is a disease – This poor soul needs help in several areas it seems.  Perhaps they should tell themselves to take some English classes or be more careful when typing in searches.

We’ll see what the next group of searches bring, I can’t wait to share them with you.  Looking through them certainly makes my day and makes me feel okay about the things I search for online!

The Funk

Today was one of those days.  I bartended last night so didn’t go to sleep until 4:00 AM and was awake at 7:30 AM.  The only good thing about that is I didn’t wake up between 2:00 and 2:30 because I was already awake!!

I made a mistake today and did my taxes.  That is what made today one of those days.  I’m not a happy camper.  Enough about the IRS, it put me further in a funk.  I have to admit, I’ve been in a funk for a couple of weeks, you know, something just isn’t right.

I have standbys of what gets me out of a funk.  Those things I go to in order to get me into a different state of mind.  Some of them work short term and some of them work permanently.  My first standby is people.  A chat with Idaho, a text to a good friend, a chat with my sister, a trip to the grocery store and in desperate times, a trip to Wal-Mart.  It always helps when I can get a quick-fix ego boost because I could be one of ‘those people’.

Well, those things have helped but something has lingered.  I feel good while all those things are going on but then slowly slip back into oblivion.  This evening I decided to catch up on some emails I haven’t read, you know, forwards from people that sometimes you don’t look at or sometimes you save them until later.  I went through 20 or so today and ran into one with pictures of animals.

I do like animals, I do not own any.  There are days I can hardly take care of myself let alone keeping something else alive so I just enjoy looking at other people’s animals.  I found some great ones in an email today that I believe pushed me over the edge to get me out of my funk.  I have no idea who to give credit to for all but one of these photos as the email had been forwarded more than several times.

This is how I felt at 7:30 AM this morning, I would dare to bet I looked something like this as well, minus the broccoli.

I love the look on the face of the one that isn’t shoving fruit into his mouth.  It also looks like these are Siamese Twins and obviously the little one has lost the fight for most of the food.

Who put this dog in this swing?  I have felt like this many times.

This was me when I had my cold.

This is my friend’s dog.  There’s a couple things here.  I don’t know that the Twins jersey quite fits him and I don’t think he’s happy to have it on.  This is one of my go-to photos to make me giggle.

After my standbys, checking emails and sharing photos with all of you, I think my funk is pretty much out the window.

Hair Cuts

I want to preface this post by saying I love the girl who cuts my hair and I think she works her tail off.  Those people stand on their feet all day and listen to people complain, gossip, brag and yell at their kids who are waiting or them.

With that being said, why are haircuts such a pain in the butt?  I am currently in desperate need of a haircut, so desperate in fact I wore my hair in a pony tail to pool on Thursday.  I use the term pony tail very loosely as you can see.

It looks like 10 pieces of straw in the binder but I just couldn’t help it.  One teammate took the picture to send it to our hairdresser.  The text said “911 we have an emergency”.  I believe the response was “O M G”.

I happened to see my hairdresser last night and she said “I got the picture of your pony tail”.  She said it with that look of “what the hell were you thinking?”  And then said “it’s getting nice and long, it just needs some shaping”.  Shaping?  Shaping?  I could use a #2 attachment on a razor right now and it would make me feel much better.  We laughed about it and decided I need to make an appointment.

It’s a habit for me to completely put off scheduling a hair cut, you would think I was having teeth pulled or something.  Then suddenly I can’t stand it anymore and think that she should be able to get me in at the last minute and I know that cannot happen.  I shouldn’t do that as there have been times I have then walked in to someone else which rarely turns out well.

One of our friends received a haircut from a random last week and ended up with quite the cut.  May have been her first day.  I’ll let you judge.

I’m wondering if one of her legs was severely shorter than the other if she thought that was straight.  The best part of this story is he went back to the same person to have it fixed.  Haha.  That kills me.  I believe everyone deserves a second chance but he didn’t have much hair to spare on a second chance here.  He was a great sport about it and we all had a great laugh.  It was the same night I was wearing my ‘pony tail’ so we had a lot to laugh about.

Tis The Season

It’s here! And it arrived a couple of weeks ago.  I know it’s getting close when one of my favorite commercials starts to air.  I laugh at pretty much every single one of her commercials but I think this is my all-time favorite:

Now that black Friday is over, it’s officially on.  Tis the Season people, Tis the Season.  Let the games begin, the Christmas decorators, the Christmas music listeners and the Christmas dressers.  I for one am going to take the easy road on decorating this year like these people:

Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays and I love Christmas music, but when you have to start listening to it in October, it wears on you before the end of December.  There’s only so many Christmas songs, doesn’t matter what genre you listen you, the songs are all the same.  Wait until the first week of December and then have at it, but January 1 you better stop, I don’t want to hear it until February or someone’s losing a limb.

And now we get to the Christmas dressers.  Oh, those poor, poor souls.  I can be festive, but there’s “those” people, oh yeah, you know the ones, bells on their sweater, red and green socks, santa hats and candy canes in their pockets.

Speaking of bells, why do designers add them to sweaters, sweater vests and jean shirts?  They’re always in a not so great spot.  This also only encourages those people to shake…stuff….so they ring.  All I can think about are strategically placed pasties that strippers wear.  That’s not a good thought because getting out of that sweater that fit you in the 70’s and has been washed 40 times can’t be easy.  The static it has to cause being pulled over your head could start an electrical fire.

Now let’s chat about santa hats.  I bartend now and then and usually for the Holiday party I will be festive and wear a santa hat for a couple of hours, beyond that my head is sweating so bad I look like I should be sitting in a sauna.  I’m sure you know the people who wear them for weeks and weeks.  It’s like they’ve been waiting all year for this.  Do you think these people wear that hat all year around in the comfort of their own home?  Perhaps it’s some sort of fetish.  Eww, I can’t believe I just went there.

Like I said, I am not ‘bah humbug’ but I believe some people have to get a grip on their ‘spirit’.  Get involved, share the love, volunteer, buy lots of gifts, sing loud, decorate, but for the love of God, do not expect everyone to have the same ‘spirit’ you do.  If you do expect that you’re likely to find bells where no one can hear them jingle and your santa hat being used as a muzzle.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

What Makes You Laugh?

As I write blogs, check comments, look at my stats and check my followers I often wonder if I’m really making people laugh? How many people read a story and never come back because they don’t find me funny?  Perhaps a lot.  Perhaps very few.  Obviously not the same thing makes everyone laugh, let’s face it, what fun would that be? 

I started thinking about what really makes me laugh (yes, I know it’s almost everything) and had to go back into my memory banks and archives to find a few things that make me laugh, sometimes uncontrollably.  Let’s see if the same things make us laugh.

This cartoon has been my favorite for as long as I can remember. In fact, when I was married we bought the VHS tape that had this on it.  I lost the tape in the divorce, I’m still upset about that.  I actually was never a huge Bugs Bunny fan either, go figure.

I’m also not a huge monkey fan but this picture makes me smile.  I’m not positive where I got it but I think it showed up in a card I received from a roommate once which means I’ve been dragging it around for years, I bet I still have the card from her somewhere too.

This cartoon came to me in 2003 and it’s still getting mileage today.  There has never been a time I’ve looked at this and haven’t laughed.  Such a classic. 

Favorite cartoon movie scene.  I actually use the line “what do you want me to do, dress and drag and do the hula” quite often.

I also enjoy Ren and Stimpy; however, could not find a clip of Ren being allergic to Stimpy which is my favorite.

Hopefully these remind you of some of your go-tos for laughter.  If not, you can borrow some of mine if you want.

Naughty Dog

Friends of mine own a naughty dog.  She’s a cute Basset mixed with naughty.  I mean eat a pound of butter off the kitchen counter naughty.  Well, them being avid readers of Following Funny, they were kind enough to send me pictures of her latest escapade.

This is what happens when you forget to close the pantry door on your way to work.  I believe there is now a sign on the back door that says “Close Pantry Door”.

Looks to me like she wasn’t exactly going after her dog food but did finish off a bag of Doritos, some bread, a good portion of the garbage and a soda while she read the paper.  The least she could have done was found the broom in there and cleaned up after herself before she got caught.  She must have been too stuffed from her little binge.

It seems what she really wanted what was in this container but her lack of thumbs prevented her from getting it open.

5 teeth holes and excessive scratches just didn’t get the job done, she must have given up and went for the Doritos.