Facebook Page

Two publishes in the same day, hold the phone!

I broke down. I did it (well, sort of). I set up a Facebook page for Following Funny. This has been quite the ordeal for me who has refused to set up a personal profile.

I use a computer every day (obviously) so I’m not scared of technology; however, when I went to set up a FB page last night it took me hours to decide what type of page to do. Once I decided to take the plunge and I was “in” my editor it was like finding my way through a corn maze. Needless to say I don’t do mazes so at this point I’m still stuck in the field.

There are several things I believe I could do faster than setting up this page:

Break into Fort Knox
Run a 5k
Teach my parents to use a cell phone
Potty train a child
Swim the English Channel
Finish my BA
Bike to Minneapolis
Lose 50 pounds
Write a novel
Get my pilot’s license

Okay, now that I’ve got that off my back, I better get back to it and continue setting up my page.

I’m Jealous of My Dog

To start this off I better tell you that I don’t have a dog and I will probably never have a dog. We had dogs while I was growing up but as an adult, I’ve been dogless.

A few weeks ago I heard a coworker of mine say “I’m jealous of my dog”. We laughed and I told her I was going to write about that and she thought it would be a good idea. Here are the reasons I would be (and she is) jealous of a dog:

People tell dogs stuff and who can they tell? No one. They’re the perfect therapist because no human speaks dog.
Dogs can do their business in front of anyone, no need to be shy or worrying about leaving the door open.
Dogs get their belly, back, ears and butt scratched without having to ask.
Dogs never have to worry about saying something they shouldn’t. You know, sometimes we use our external voice when we should use our internal voice.
When it itches, dogs scratch it, no questions, no worries, no embarrassment.
Dogs can take several naps a day and they’re not judged, it’s expected. Hell, if they don’t want to get out of bed they don’t have to.
Dogs don’t have to do dishes, clean the bathroom, do laundry, pay bills or drive the car. Someone else does all of that for them. A complete lack of responsibility.
Dogs don’t have to go to work every day, they’re job is to look cute, wag their tail and love their owner. If a dog does have to work, it’s really not work to them, it’s fun.
Dogs love you unconditionally, your flaws don’t matter to them.
They can stick their heads out the car window without being embarrassed about what it does to their hair.
Enjoying the simple things in life, like ice cubes, the first snowfall, fetching a ball, chasing cars, you know, the simple things.
Being blamed for bad gas and no one knows whether you actually did it or not. You just always have the look of ‘Who me?’ And then bark at the neighbor lady who is standing next to you so your owner knows she really did it.
We’re not even going to talk about the promiscuity.

I’m sure there are hundreds of more specific reasons but that’s what I’ve got so far.

Sleepless in Wisconsin V

Here we go again, after a couple of hours of sleep I’m sitting on the couch and have been attempting to watch TV for over an hour. Tonight I’m not only wide awake but I’m restless which isn’t good. I’m thankful at this moment the grocery store isn’t open or I would be there with my list, coupons, bad hair and inappropriate outfit. Yes, I could go to Wal-Mart but that would be tragic, completely tragic, as I would end up in the next people of Wal-Mart email. Some of those people already hit too close to home, I don’t actually need to be one of them.

I watched college football a good portion of the day today so Sports Center is out of the question and I’m sure I don’t have to reiterate why that is. My channel surfing went well beyond my normal limits and I’m watching Comedy Central. Not that I don’t ever watch Comedy Central, it just happens to be in the channels I rarely get to and tend to forget about. I’m enamored by the commercials on this station.

The commercials that are on at 3:30 in the morning are kind of crazy. Did you know that Jimmy Johnson does a commercial for Extenze? Seriously Jimmy, Extenze? I don’t even know what to say about that. Are you really that hard up for money? I bet one of my next posts will be another one about search engine terms, some poor guy trying to find out how to enhance his sex life is going to find this blog because I’m flabbergasted by Jimmy Johnson. Sorry buddy.

Along with Jimmy there are tons of commercials for a chat line of some sort. Apparently this isn’t a date line, it’s a phone call with benefits. And the commercials aren’t for the same one, there’s several numbers, I wonder if it’s really the same people answering all of those numbers. They show these sexy men and women on the commercials and you know darn well the people actually answering the phones do not look like that. There’s a good chance they’re toothless home bodies that haven’t showered in three days. Sexy huh?

There’s two other commercials that are completely disturbing to me this morning. One is for something called Forever Lazy which seems to be one piece pajamas. Ok people, I understand we might want these; however, the commercial shows people running through a field, having drinks with the neighbors and having dinner with the family. What? You couldn’t put actual clothes on to do those things? I really think they could have stopped with the scenario of watching movies at home and being snuggled up on the couch because I’m pretty sure that’s the only place anyone is going to wear this thing.

The second commercial is for something called Good Vibrations or something like that. This is a personal item for women. Ok, fine. The commercial shows a woman getting this in the mail and talking to her neighbor about it. This is not something I’d be sharing with my neighbor, let alone standing on the street opening the package for the world to see. Again, can’t we think of better scenarios to portray this product? No matter how good this product is I’m most likely not going to be talking about it and showing it to my neighbor.

I’m afraid if I keep watching there will be more so I better attempt to get some sleep. It’s after 4:00 AM and people are actually getting up for the day. Maybe I’ll read and stay up until the grocery store at 6:00. Hmmmm.

A Break From the Gym

Ok, I confess, vacation did me in. I am now out of the habit of going to the gym. But, I’m getting back on track next week. No. Really, I am! I have to. And I have to because I see the signs:

The button on my suit jacket was screaming at me today. The poor little thing was completely struggling, especially when I was sitting down.
I have to actually unbutton my pants to take them off and put them on. They were big enough I didn’t have to do that before.
I look more pregnant than my pregnant friend. How embarrassing is that?
Going for a walk on break feels like I’ve run the half marathon (and in my mind I have).
My skinny jeans (I use this term VERY loosely) don’t get past my cheeks anymore. And by skinny I mean the skinniest ones in my closet, they’re still made by the tent and awning company but they’re the smallest I have.
My socks leave an indention in my ankles, more water, more water, more water, more exercise, more exercise, more exercise.
On Sunday my Vikings t-shirt looked like I had borrowed it from the 12-year old neighbor girl.

It’s time to suck it up, get back to the gym, shower with the old gals, be squeamish about the lack of grooming and sweat like a fat kid at a candy store with a quarter!

Tis The Season

It’s here! And it arrived a couple of weeks ago. I know it’s getting close when one of my favorite commercials starts to air. I laugh at pretty much every single one of her commercials but I think this is my all-time favorite:

Now that black Friday is over, it’s officially on. Tis the Season people, Tis the Season. Let the games begin, the Christmas decorators, the Christmas music listeners and the Christmas dressers. I for one am going to take the easy road on decorating this year like these people:

Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays and I love Christmas music, but when you have to start listening to it in October, it wears on you before the end of December. There’s only so many Christmas songs, doesn’t matter what genre you listen you, the songs are all the same. Wait until the first week of December and then have at it, but January 1 you better stop, I don’t want to hear it until February or someone’s losing a limb.

And now we get to the Christmas dressers. Oh, those poor, poor souls. I can be festive, but there’s “those” people, oh yeah, you know the ones, bells on their sweater, red and green socks, santa hats and candy canes in their pockets.

Speaking of bells, why do designers add them to sweaters, sweater vests and jean shirts? They’re always in a not so great spot. This also only encourages those people to shake…stuff….so they ring. All I can think about are strategically placed pasties that strippers wear. That’s not a good thought because getting out of that sweater that fit you in the 70’s and has been washed 40 times can’t be easy. The static it has to cause being pulled over your head could start an electrical fire.

Now let’s chat about santa hats. I bartend now and then and usually for the Holiday party I will be festive and wear a santa hat for a couple of hours, beyond that my head is sweating so bad I look like I should be sitting in a sauna. I’m sure you know the people who wear them for weeks and weeks. It’s like they’ve been waiting all year for this. Do you think these people wear that hat all year around in the comfort of their own home? Perhaps it’s some sort of fetish. Eww, I can’t believe I just went there.

Like I said, I am not ‘bah humbug’ but I believe some people have to get a grip on their ‘spirit’. Get involved, share the love, volunteer, buy lots of gifts, sing loud, decorate, but for the love of God, do not expect everyone to have the same ‘spirit’ you do. If you do expect that you’re likely to find bells where no one can hear them jingle and your santa hat being used as a muzzle.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

10 Ways to Make Your Workday Go Faster

Based on things I witness or have witnessed at work, I thought I’d do a top 10 Letterman style.

10. Keep your Facebook page open at all times so you can check it constantly. You never know what you might be missing during the day from your friends who don’t work or are trying to stay busy at their job.

9. Browse Craig’s List, then send your findings to your coworkers. They need something to keep them busy too.

8. Buy and sell on eBay, be sure to check your auctions often, it will not only keep you busy, it might drive you nuts watching the bids. Even though eBay is open 24/7 that doesn’t mean you’ll find any good deals after work.

7. Text. Again, you must have friends who don’t have jobs so please be sure to keep them company during the day.

6. Visit with everyone you can, who knows, you may be making their day go faster too. Linger after meetings, stop by desks to see what’s happening, talk about lunch plans, find whatever you can to chat about.

5. Find a complaint-buddy. You know, that person you can spend plenty of time during the day complaining to about how busy you are and how no one understands your world or can do your job. Again, perhaps both your days will go by faster. Don’t do this on breaks, that would be a waste of good away from work time.

4. Make phone calls, not quick ones, long ones, chat ’em up, take your time.

3. Take long late lunches. This is a fabulous way to make the day really short when you get back from lunch.

2. Play e-mail games with your friends. A long time ago a friend and I used to send each other a list of 10 words and we’d have to write a story that included those words. Creative and time-consuming!!

1. DO YOUR WORK!! I know this sounds crazy but it actually makes the day fly by.

Wisconsin-Speak

I moved to Wisconsin almost 9 years ago. One of the things I learned early on is that they have their own language here. Of course, I have picked up some of that language as well, even though I still say “I’m from Minnesota, I just happen to live in Wisconsin”. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

The County – “We’re going out to the county tonight.” I had no idea what that meant at first but realized it basically means the country or out-of-town. I find myself going to the county quite a bit now because I shoot pool for a bar in the county.

County Run – this is some sort of initiation into the Wisconsin lifestyle that is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. In short, this is where a bunch of people get together, leave early in the morning, get in a vehicle (or several), drive to the county and bar hop. Up here in the north land there are two county run loops, a short one and a long one. Usually the rule is to have one drink at each bar. My first experience with this was not long after I moved here and thank goodness we did the short loop. Eleven of us loaded in an orange van with a sober driver (this is another rule) who was also the treasurer. We met at a bar in town, each chipped in $20, loaded in the van and took off. There was drinking, food, karaoke (bad karaoke), arguing, a lot of fun and laughter and almost a fist fight. The whole thing was over 12 hours and I can’t count how many bars. The three of us ‘newbies’ somehow made it through this initiation but of course you get no trophy, no t-shirt and I really don’t think you’re supposed to talk about it. I think it’s a secret society.

Buying Beer – Although this term is used everywhere, it means something different here. In Wisconsin you can purchase adult beverages before 8:00 AM and after 10:00 PM. Being from Minnesota I had no idea these two things existed. There are bars here in Wisconsin that open at 6:00 AM!!!

Punching In – Again, this is a term that is used all over the world but here in Wisconsin it doesn’t mean going to work, it refers to when you had your first adult beverage of the day. This tends to happen a lot before noon. Time means nothing here, it’s a lot like Mexico that way.

You Can’t Drink All Day if You Don’t Start in the Morning – I believe Wisconsin is the birthplace of this saying. They take their beer very seriously here.

Cheesehead – Being a Vikings fan I will just say….you’re seriously wearing a piece of cheese on your head!!??

We’re Going to Watch Bucky – Little did I know they were talking about Bucky the Badger and college football. I thought we were going to a rodeo, wow was I disappointed, not being a Badger fan and all.

Let’s Go Bang on the Machines – Excuse me? What did you say? I had no idea when I moved here that you can gamble in bars. What a strange concept.

Let’s Go Have a Beer at The Garage – That’s odd, it’s cold, why do we have to stand in the garage? And, why are we getting in the car? I finally realized The Garage is actually a bar, granted, it is a guy’s garage, he’s just turned it into a bar. We park in his yard and drink in his double garage, it’s a great double garage but still.

Beer-thirty – Whatever time it is, it’s beer-thirty here in Wisconsin, they don’t judge, unless of course you’re going to wait until 5:00 to have a beverage, then they judge.

Bubbler – This is what they call a drinking fountain here. I don’t understand it, I don’t get it and I won’t use that term.

Duck Duck Goose – ????? No idea how that differs from Duck Duck Gray Duck but I won’t play it, sounds scary.

What Kind of Cheese Would You Like With That? – Pretty much any dish you order with cheese here in Wisconsin, you get your choice of cheese. And it’s not just a couple of types of cheese, there’s some offered you’ve probably never heard of.

There are tons more and I’m sure I’ll get comments and suggestions on others to share. I will do so when I gather enough. Until then, I challenge you to use one of the above and see how your friends react.

Meeting Etiquette

Pet Peeve: inattentive meeting participants

I’ve decided that meetings are unproductive because people don’t pay attention. Here is what I’ve seen in the last few weeks during meetings:

Cell phones!! Cell phones should be banned from meetings unless you are expecting an emergency call. Oh no, I watch people check Facebook, play games and text. Really people? We’re adults, perhaps your workplace would be better if YOU LISTENED IN MEETINGS and were a positive participant.
Talking to other attendees. There may be a time during a lull that you can whisper something to your neighbor; however, there are people who do this constantly throughout the meeting. Even giving them the hairy eyeball doesn’t seem to shut them up.
Computers. It’s one thing if you’re typing notes up from the meeting but it’s another thing to be doing everything else. Not long ago I watched a manager answer instant messages, type emails and surf the internet during a meeting. Each time the meeting speaker came around to our side of the table, she would put her ‘notes page’ up and pretend to type. It was obvious she wasn’t getting anything out of the meeting and all I wanted to do was hit her in the back of the head with a frying pan.

Remember back in the day when there was a cure for things like this? It would be nice not to treat adults like children but it’s inevitable. Here are my solutions:

For cell phones, I think you should get it slapped out of your hand with a ruler. In the seventh grade my Algebra teacher smacked a ruler on my fingers because he had taught my brothers…apparently it was guilt by association and he needed to make a statement. We didn’t turn teachers in back then for being physical, in fact, our parents probably encouraged it and signed waivers.

For the talkers, duct tape their mouth shut. In the fifth grade I watched a classmate get his mouth duct taped shut for continually talking during class. Not just a piece of tape, he wrapped it around his whole head, more than once. Good thing the kid didn’t have a cold.

For computers, make the person lay face down with their nose touching the floor. In fourth grade I had to do this during recess because I got in trouble for not paying attention during a class. Seems like an easy task until you have to lay there for 15 minutes with your head up and just your nose touching the floor. Odd but effective.

Now, I don’t need a whole bunch of comments that I encourage abuse and violence because I don’t; however, I do think those of us who were punished back in the day in similar ways turned out pretty good. It would be good to bring that back to the present day.

I do fantasize about hitting someone with an oversized frying pan, kind of like a cartoon. You know what I mean, you smack them, their tongue darts out and their eyes bulge. Then they go away rubbing the back of their head. Such a great mental picture for me and a great therapy tool, try it sometime. You can use your weapon of choice, it doesn’t have to be an oversized cast iron frying pan.

What Makes You Laugh?

As I write blogs, check comments, look at my stats and check my followers I often wonder if I’m really making people laugh? How many people read a story and never come back because they don’t find me funny? Perhaps a lot. Perhaps very few. Obviously not the same thing makes everyone laugh, let’s face it, what fun would that be?

I started thinking about what really makes me laugh (yes, I know it’s almost everything) and had to go back into my memory banks and archives to find a few things that make me laugh, sometimes uncontrollably. Let’s see if the same things make us laugh.

This cartoon has been my favorite for as long as I can remember. In fact, when I was married we bought the VHS tape that had this on it. I lost the tape in the divorce, I’m still upset about that. I actually was never a huge Bugs Bunny fan either, go figure.

I’m also not a huge monkey fan but this picture makes me smile. I’m not positive where I got it but I think it showed up in a card I received from a roommate once which means I’ve been dragging it around for years, I bet I still have the card from her somewhere too.

This cartoon came to me in 2003 and it’s still getting mileage today. There has never been a time I’ve looked at this and haven’t laughed. Such a classic.

Favorite cartoon movie scene. I actually use the line “what do you want me to do, dress and drag and do the hula” quite often.

I also enjoy Ren and Stimpy; however, could not find a clip of Ren being allergic to Stimpy which is my favorite.

Hopefully these remind you of some of your go-tos for laughter. If not, you can borrow some of mine if you want.

No Regrets

I wrote about regrets so I better talk about things I don’t regret. It’s only fair, right? This list could be a mile long but I will keep it to some highlights, and perhaps a couple lowlights.

Going to Bike Week and sleeping in the rental car for 3 nights.
College – all of it.
Taking a chance and giving Idaho my phone number at the airport.
A marriage…..oh, and a divorce (that was the best part).
Childhood in a small town.
Skinny dipping in the ocean.
Both road trips to Cross Lake.
Driving to Florida – twice!
Being stranded at the Detroit airport overnight.
Any trip to Madden’s, even the one where we met two brothers.
Any job I’ve had.
Getting my mug shot taken.
Going to Tijuana for a wedding.
Starting a blog.
That one night in Vegas.
The road trip to Chicago.

Like I said, the list could be miles long but I will stop while I’m ahead (or behind, however you look at it).

Live life with no regrets. That’s my two cents for today.