Funny Findings

I have to share these two thoughts before I forget them.

Yesterday and today I’ve been attempting to finish up taxes.  I’ve also been attempting to help Idaho find a new place to live…..no, not here, in Idaho.  I do the computer searches, he obviously does the legwork.  I found two things I’d like to share while working on these ventures.

First I will get my rant out of the way.   State IRS offices are in operation from 8:00 to 4:30 for both Minnesota and Wisconsin.  Really?  You’ve got to be dry humpin’ me!  It’s April 12th and you’re only open from 8:00 to 4:30??  Hey, some of us have jobs and don’t have the ability to hold for 30 minutes during work hours!!!  Unreal, I’m paying enough myself in penalties this year, no, not because I make too much, there should be enough to pay for some extra hours now that we’re down to the wire.

Enough of that, I would rather be drug naked over broken glass than deal with the IRS.

This second item almost made me pee my pants while I was looking for an apartment for Idaho.  I have to open the links to see exactly what they are and I came across this:

“for rent or sale the trailer is in (city) off simplot blve. trailer #50 has porch small fents yard”

I copied it right from the ad, I only removed the city.

Well, let me pick up the phone immediately and call you to see if I can look at the place.  You have painted such a vivid picture of it that I can see paradise in my mind.  I can also picture the landlord and what a treat that relationship would be.  I’m not sure what a ‘small fents yard’ is but I’m so curious I can’t stand it.  I hate to make assumptions but my guess is that we don’t have an English major on our hands.  I should give the number to Idaho just so he can go look at it and talk to this person…..how mean would that be?

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The First 99

Wow, my 100th post.  As I’ve said before, I love milestones and this one is a good one.  When I first started this blog, I wasn’t sure I’d have 100 things to say.  Well, seems I did and I haven’t run out yet.  Too bad for all of you.  🙂

I took a look at my stats, listened to feedback and read through comments to see what kind of journey this has been.  Here’s a few things I’ve taken you through:

Your comments are much appreciated and here are some of my favorites from the first 99:

“Seriously I feel like I just did 50 sit ups. I was laughing so hard I got in an ab workout. Thanks Peg! Keep these stories coming and we’ll all have abs of steel!-I want to kill my neighbor – BA HA HA HA” – In response to The Lawnmower

“Hey I’m a dyslexic sign guy who doesn’t use spell check. Leave my fellow brethren alone. – In response to Funny Signs

“My most unfavorite wardrobe malfunction is a complete boob slip from a bathing suit. That’s right, not just a nipple, but a complete BOOB!  I thought I was Bo Derek rising up out of the water, until something was not quite right.  So there. At least you were still somewhat covered.” – In response to Exposed Behind

“BAHAHAHA! I LOVE the “Older women have no modesty” part… I almost peed!” – In response to At The Gym

“I didn’t even know a woman could get a groin pull… ouch!  BTW, I once entered my company’s tournament… and came in last. It was a sort of groin pull too, I guess.” – In response to Golf Outing

“I have always been of the opinion that exercise is dangerous to the health. Now I see it is also embarrassing. Thank God I rarely do it!” – In response to Another’s Gym Story

“This is insane. Props to you for not only surviving this crazy Idiot’s break-in but clearly owning him!” – In response to The Intruder

“I think something is wrong with my computer. It looks like the I’m the first to both like and comment on this hilarious post. Something’s definitely wrong…” – In response to I’m Jealous of My Dog

Keep reading, leaving comments, liking and most importantly, keep laughing.  Here’s to another 99!

1000 Awesome Things

If you haven’t checked out the blog 1000 Awesome Things, please do.  I admire his outlook on life, what a great way to get through every day…..pick out the awesome things!  Add humor and your days will be nothing short of spectacular.

I laughed hysterically when I saw #44 which is Your First Record, Tape or CD.  Mine was Poison, Look What The Cat Dragged In cassette tape.  I still remember what it looked like and how excited I was to get it home to play it in my Sony dual cassette and record player.  Oh yeah, I know, super high-class.

I still love that music and have been to see Brett Michaels 3 times.  Yes, I said 3 times.  Such a great place for people watching.

I better stop typing before I tell you something really embarrassing.

 

Products That Don’t Work

I just went down to put laundry in the dryer and immediately thought about this post when I opened the dryer door and spotted the dryer bar.  Have you ever purchased a product that promised to make your life easier but it didn’t?  Me too!! In fact, more times than I care to admit.

This dry bar is the current object of my non-affection.  This product states you can stick it on the inside of your dryer and you won’t have to use dryer sheets for three months.  Well, two loads of laundry in and I’m pulling out my bullshit card.  The first two loads came out of the dryer so full of static I almost started a fire.  Then what do you do? Carry around static guard and spray yourself all day?  I don’t think so Clark, that’s not an attractive smell.  I now have to put dryer sheets in with each load as well so it’s actually costing me more instead of saving me anything.

The worst part of this product is it came in a 3-pack.  Maybe I was supposed to stick all three of these bars in the dryer at one time, I still have my doubts whether they would work.  What in the sam-hell am I going to do with two more of these worthless things?  Perhaps I could put them out and the critter will eat them and electrocute itself.   Ohhh, that’s not a bad idea, although I haven’t heard hide nor hair from the critter since it ate my paper towels.  Perhaps I’ll put them out anyway, at least the basement might smell good.  Definitely not buying those again.

The Funk

Today was one of those days.  I bartended last night so didn’t go to sleep until 4:00 AM and was awake at 7:30 AM.  The only good thing about that is I didn’t wake up between 2:00 and 2:30 because I was already awake!!

I made a mistake today and did my taxes.  That is what made today one of those days.  I’m not a happy camper.  Enough about the IRS, it put me further in a funk.  I have to admit, I’ve been in a funk for a couple of weeks, you know, something just isn’t right.

I have standbys of what gets me out of a funk.  Those things I go to in order to get me into a different state of mind.  Some of them work short term and some of them work permanently.  My first standby is people.  A chat with Idaho, a text to a good friend, a chat with my sister, a trip to the grocery store and in desperate times, a trip to Wal-Mart.  It always helps when I can get a quick-fix ego boost because I could be one of ‘those people’.

Well, those things have helped but something has lingered.  I feel good while all those things are going on but then slowly slip back into oblivion.  This evening I decided to catch up on some emails I haven’t read, you know, forwards from people that sometimes you don’t look at or sometimes you save them until later.  I went through 20 or so today and ran into one with pictures of animals.

I do like animals, I do not own any.  There are days I can hardly take care of myself let alone keeping something else alive so I just enjoy looking at other people’s animals.  I found some great ones in an email today that I believe pushed me over the edge to get me out of my funk.  I have no idea who to give credit to for all but one of these photos as the email had been forwarded more than several times.

This is how I felt at 7:30 AM this morning, I would dare to bet I looked something like this as well, minus the broccoli.

I love the look on the face of the one that isn’t shoving fruit into his mouth.  It also looks like these are Siamese Twins and obviously the little one has lost the fight for most of the food.

Who put this dog in this swing?  I have felt like this many times.

This was me when I had my cold.

This is my friend’s dog.  There’s a couple things here.  I don’t know that the Twins jersey quite fits him and I don’t think he’s happy to have it on.  This is one of my go-to photos to make me giggle.

After my standbys, checking emails and sharing photos with all of you, I think my funk is pretty much out the window.

The Gym Revisited

I finally made it back to the gym!  It was brutal.  The weights laughed at me when I walked by, the elliptical cried when I got on and the scale threw up when I stepped on it.
I have no idea why I think I can take a month off, jump on the elliptical, go great guns and do it for the same length of time and speed I was doing it when I quit.  Shit just doesn’t work that way.

By the time 20 minutes ticked off the clock it seemed like an hour and I was sweating like a whore workin’ two beds.  My legs hurt, my butt hurt and my shoulder hurt.  “Your shoulder?” you may ask, yes, even my shoulder got in on the action, it was time to get off before someone had to call 911.  I was not wearing a proper outfit to be greeted by potentially hot EMTs. 

I will ice my body, take pain pills, brave the elements and return tomorrow for more punishment.  I will survive……hopefully.

I will let you know how it goes.

Facebook Page

Two publishes in the same day, hold the phone!

I broke down.  I did it (well, sort of).  I set up a Facebook page for Following Funny.  This has been quite the ordeal for me who has refused to set up a personal profile.

I use a computer every day (obviously) so I’m not scared of technology; however, when I went to set up a FB page last night it took me hours to decide what type of page to do.  Once I decided to take the plunge and I was “in” my editor it was like finding my way through a corn maze.  Needless to say I don’t do mazes so at this point I’m still stuck in the field.

There are several things I believe I could do faster than setting up this page:

  • Break into Fort Knox
  • Run a 5k
  • Teach my parents to use a cell phone
  • Potty train a child
  • Swim the English Channel
  • Finish my BA
  • Bike to Minneapolis
  • Lose 50 pounds
  • Write a novel
  • Get my pilot’s license

Okay, now that I’ve got that off my back, I better get back to it and continue setting up my page.

I’m Jealous of My Dog

To start this off I better tell you that I don’t have a dog and I will probably never have a dog.  We had dogs while I was growing up but as an adult, I’ve been dogless.

A few weeks ago I heard a coworker of mine say “I’m jealous of my dog”.  We laughed and  I told her I was going to write about that and she thought it would be a good idea.  Here are the reasons I would be (and she is) jealous of a dog:

  • People tell dogs stuff and who can they tell?  No one.  They’re the perfect therapist because no human speaks dog.
  • Dogs can do their business in front of anyone, no need to be shy or worrying about leaving the door open.
  • Dogs get their belly, back, ears and butt scratched without having to ask.  
  • Dogs never have to worry about saying something  they shouldn’t.  You know, sometimes we use our external voice when we should use our internal voice.
  • When it itches, dogs scratch it, no questions, no worries, no embarrassment.
  • Dogs can take several naps a day and they’re not judged, it’s expected.  Hell, if they don’t want to get out of bed they don’t have to.
  • Dogs don’t have to do dishes, clean the bathroom, do laundry, pay bills or drive the car.  Someone else does all of that for them.  A complete lack of responsibility.
  • Dogs don’t have to go to work every day, they’re job is to look cute, wag their tail and love their owner.  If a dog does have to work, it’s really not work to them, it’s fun.
  • Dogs love you unconditionally, your flaws don’t matter to them.
  • They can stick their heads out the car window without being embarrassed about what it does to their hair. 
  • Enjoying the simple things in life, like ice cubes, the first snowfall, fetching a ball, chasing cars, you know, the simple things.
  • Being blamed for bad gas and no one knows whether you actually did it or not.  You just always have the look of ‘Who me?’ And then bark at the neighbor lady who is standing next to you so your owner knows she really did it.
  • We’re not even going to talk about the promiscuity.

I’m sure there are hundreds of more specific reasons but that’s what I’ve got so far.

A Break From the Gym

Ok, I confess, vacation did me in.  I am now out of the habit of going to the gym.  But, I’m getting back on track next week.  No. Really, I am!  I have to.  And I have to because I see the signs:

  • The button on my suit jacket was screaming at me today.  The poor little thing was completely struggling, especially when I was sitting down.
  • I have to actually unbutton my pants to take them off and put them on.  They were big enough I didn’t have to do that before.
  • I look more pregnant than my pregnant friend.  How embarrassing is that?
  • Going for a walk on break feels like I’ve run the half marathon (and in my mind I have).
  • My skinny jeans (I use this term VERY loosely) don’t get past my cheeks anymore.  And by skinny I mean the skinniest ones in my closet, they’re still made by the tent and awning company but they’re the smallest I have.
  • My socks leave an indention in my ankles, more water, more water, more water, more exercise, more exercise, more exercise.
  • On Sunday my Vikings t-shirt looked like I had borrowed it from the 12-year old neighbor girl.

It’s time to suck it up, get back to the gym, shower with the old gals, be squeamish about the lack of grooming and sweat like a fat kid at a candy store with a quarter!

10 Ways to Make Your Workday Go Faster

Based on things I witness or have witnessed at work, I thought I’d do a top 10 Letterman style.

10. Keep your Facebook page open at all times so you can check it constantly.  You never know what you might be missing during the day from your friends who don’t work or are trying to stay busy at their job.

9. Browse Craig’s List, then send your findings to your coworkers.  They need something to keep them busy too.

8. Buy and sell on eBay, be sure to check your auctions often, it will not only keep you busy, it might drive you nuts watching the bids.  Even though eBay is open 24/7 that doesn’t mean you’ll find any good deals after work. 

7. Text.  Again, you must have friends who don’t have jobs so please be sure to keep them company during the day.

6. Visit with everyone you can, who knows, you may be making their day go faster too.  Linger after meetings, stop by desks to see what’s happening, talk about lunch plans, find whatever you can to chat about.

5. Find a complaint-buddy.  You know, that person you can spend plenty of time during the day complaining to about how busy you are and how no one understands your world or can do your job.  Again, perhaps both your days will go by faster.  Don’t do this on breaks, that would be a waste of good away from work time.

4. Make phone calls, not quick ones, long ones, chat ’em up, take your time.

3. Take long late lunches.  This is a fabulous way to make the day really short when you get back from lunch.

2. Play e-mail games with your friends.  A long time ago a friend and I used to send each other a list of 10 words and we’d have to write a story that included those words.  Creative and time-consuming!!

1. DO YOUR WORK!!  I know this sounds crazy but it actually makes the day fly by.