Sleepless in Wisconsin XIV

I really have no idea if that’s the roman numeral for 14 or not but tonight I don’t care.  I am so tired of this not sleeping thing I could throw up.  I’ve had another run of bad sleeping the last couple of weeks but have been trying to ignore it……as we already know, that doesn’t work.

For a few days I had heartburn to the point of being on the verge of throwing up which I know was part of the problem.  I would imagine some of you are thinking…..’hey chubby, stop eating’, but heartburn has never been a problem for me.  I can eat the rear end out of a rhino and things are fine…..normally.  That’s why this has been so upsetting to me, although I haven’t been eating rhino lately I haven’t been eating much of anything because of the burn.

I visited the chiropractor today for other issues and when he had me lay down on the torture table he asked “suffering from heartburn are ya?” without even touching me.  He freaks me out like that now and then.  When I told him I did he took his index finger, poked me near my left shoulder blade and said “I bet it hurts right here”.  Pretty sure my scream and jerk were enough of an answer.  He adjusted me and miraculously I haven’t had heartburn since.  I forget about him for things like that and wish I didn’t because the 8 rolls of tums sure didn’t help.

While I’m ranting I may as well share that not only am I struggling with heartburn, I feel as though I have been drug behind a snowplow by my arms.  A friend and I got ourselves into a cleaning project that was more than we could have imagined.  At this very moment I would rather be kidnapped by an unknown Amazon tribe and tortured for days than ever wash walls again.  I was already suffering from some unknown issue with my elbows (thus the chiropractor and the not sleeping tonight) and I’m pretty certain the cleaning made it worse.  The chiro isn’t very impressed with me but he’s used to it.

The person we’re doing the cleaning for also has a sleeping problem so we’ve been swapping stories of insomnia.  The difference between us is he has money so infomercials are actually useful to him.   I noticed several purchases from crappy late night TV in his apartment.  I thought about leaving a note for him with the things I think I could use but knowing him he’d actually purchase them for me.

Tonight I’m watching a Finding Bigfoot marathon instead of infomercials and I can’t decide which is actually worse.  The episode on now is in Idaho.  Tomorrow when I speak to Idaho (the guy) I will have to see if he’s interested in doing a little squatch hunting the next time I’m there.  Maybe we’ll film our adventure and push these four yayhoos from the show and take over.  I bet we could be entertaining.  To end the show they said “Idaho is part of the pathway from the Rockies to Canada for the sasquatch”.  The squatch are migrating north to Canada??  What does Canada have to offer that we don’t?  How do we know this for sure?  Maybe the Canadians aren’t actually trying to find bigfoot so they’re going there to be left alone………interesting concept.  Maybe our show could center around keeping the squatch here in the states.

If there was anything else on I would turn the channel but there’s not.   What the hell do I pay $85 a month for if I can’t watch anything better than this in the middle of the night?  I’ll call the cable company tomorrow and ask them…..wait…..no, I won’t. I’m pretty sure they won the “Worst Customer Service on the Planet” award last month.

Those were some super random writings tonight, I think it’s time to find something else to do like the dishes or laundry or something.   I’m not even making much sense to myself……and that’s bad.

Daily Prompt – Change

Today’s daily prompt is: What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?”

It’s probably self explanatory by the name of my blog but the changes I’d like my blog to make on the world are small changes within people that could make big changes on the world.

  • Don’t take life so seriously, find the things that make you smile, giggle or die laughing and surround yourself with them.  This could be a funny friend, a trip to Wal-Mart (you know, you’ve all seen funny there), a giggling child or situation that makes you smile.
  • Create funny yourself, we’re all funny in our own way, find yours, it’s there, you just have to look for it.  Sometimes your funny is just to laugh at others.  For the love of God, don’t force it if you’re not actually that funny, there’s nothing worse than awkward moments when you hope to be funny and no one else thinks so.  I’ve been there, I know.
  • Don’t take yourself so seriously, when you learn to laugh at yourself  you’ll find others funny.  I took a good fall the other day on the sidewalk in front of three friends.  The toe of my hooker boot caught a rock and my top half got moving WAY faster than my bottom half.  It didn’t take me long to be laying on the sidewalk, face down.  All I could do was yell “MAN DOWN” and laugh hysterically.
  • Look for laugh lines and smiles that reach someone’s eyes.  Those people are great to be around, their laugh makes you laugh harder.

By surrounding yourself with funny, you’re adding years to your life and hopefully someone else’s life too.  A good attitude, a great laugh, a funny joke or comment can make someone’s day, in turn they will spread the wealth, guaranteed.

Can you imagine a world where everyone smiled and laughed, even a few more times a day?  Our jobs would be better, our shopping trips would be better, our relationships would be better.  Try it, you’ll  like it.  Life without humor is just life, life with humor is living.

Things That Make Me Smile II

I received this text from a friend after she took her dog for a walk:

“Who shits twice on their walk?  Who unties the bag and gets it all over their fingers? Yeah, that’s our dog all right.  Next time I won’t tie the bag so tight.  Sheesh, lesson learned.”

I received this instant message from a coworker on a Wednesday morning:

“Speaking of drinking. Monday I decided it was a good idea to not eat and save my calories for wine.  Turns out that isn’t the best idea I’ve ever had.”

When Idaho arrived I asked him how the flight was.  He said “great but I had to go to the bathroom super bad but was scared to ask the two ladies next to me to move during the flight so I held it”.  I’m glad he wasn’t scared of me when I met him!!

Idaho and I were in the car with my parents going to dinner on Saturday night and my dad said the following as we were talking about family:

“My grandpa was buried Catholic but because he wasn’t a true Catholic he couldn’t be carried through the cemetery gates so they had to carry him through the ditch.”

It happened again!!! Idaho got sick while he was here.  It happens to one of us every time.  I sent him on a plane with a bad cough and a terrible head cold.  When I talked to him yesterday it now sounds like bronchitis.  He’s going to stop coming here pretty soon.

Today I received a voicemail and the following words and phrases were in it and I will let you draw your own conclusions how it went.

  • Bodybuilder neighbor
  • Middle of September
  • Speedo
  • Smelly overflowing garbage
  • Empty health food containers

Driving in heavy traffic on the freeway yesterday we were at a dead stop in construction.  The third car in front of us didn’t start moving when everyone else did.  After a few minutes the truck in front of us tried to go around him on the right when he stopped and got out of the truck.  We started getting out because we noticed the driver wasn’t physically moving and his head was over to the side.  The truck man pounded on his hood, gave the driver the thumbs up to ask if he was okay.  The driver then started moving.  Apparently he just needed a little nap during the slowdown!!!

Friday the 13th

I cannot imagine how many bloggers will write about Friday the 13th and all the glory it brings.  I will keep mine short and sweet.

Having a Friday the 13th reminds me of when I bartended regularly years ago.  The bar manager and I would play paper rock scissors to see who had to bartend when one of three things happened.

1.  The first of the month.  Holy welfare checks batman.  Welfare checks brought out the drinkers and the gamblers like a swarm of locusts.  These are people who drink a 40 ouncer out of a paper bag a majority of the month but on check day they live high on the hog and go to the bars.  They don’t necessarily get dressed up, shower or brush their tooth but they head out to the bars to party like it’s 1999.

2.  Full moon.  I don’t believe in werewolves or vampires but I do believe in the nutjobs that venture out when there’s a full moon.  I also believe that a full moon pushes people over the edge who are walking that bat shit crazy line anyway.  Add alcohol to this group and you have yourself a party fit for an insane asylum and as a bartender you’re the group therapy leader.  No. Thank. You.  When I would work on a full moon night I would feel like Dr. Weitzman from the movie The Dream Team, I was afraid that at any moment I could end up unconscious and the patients would run wild.

3.  Friday the 13th.  You would think there wouldn’t be much difference between a full moon and Friday the 13th but that’s not the case.  A full moon brings out the real nutjobs who don’t realize they’re like that, Friday the 13th brings out the wannabe nutjobs.  This group of people are exaggerated and obnoxious.  This is the most irritating of the three groups because they use this date to act like absolute jackasses.

Be careful out there today and keep in mind the other two times of the month I mentioned.

Sleepless in Wisconsin IX

Oh boy, I really thought you had heard the last of my sleep-deprived ramblings but I was so very wrong.  You’re a little lucky, I waited 3 nights before I started writing about it again.

I guess I haven’t checked in with you after my sleep clinic…..I got my results back which said I didn’t have sleep apnea, thank you captain obvious, but they did let me know that I wake up almost 20 times an hour due to sudden movements.  Whatever that means.  To them it meant they prescribed me Trazodone, yup, a depression med that doubles as a sleep aid.  I’ve been taking that since I returned from Idaho, almost three weeks and I’ve been sleeping much better.

Some nights I’m super tired or I bartend late so I don’t take it and still sleep pretty well.  Now, when I say I’ve been sleeping well, I mean I get a good five hours of sleep, that makes me happy as a pig in poop.   I go in for a follow-up next week so I’m going to request they prescribe that by the truckload, we’ll worry about the side effects later or addictions late.  I think the list of side affects is the same for this as every other med out there, they just keep adding things to the list.

I did find out from my prescription drug guru, I’d tell you who that is but I’d have to kill you, that once you take this you have about an hour or so window to hit the sheets in order for it to work well.  If you happen to blow through that hour and get to the other side, it can have the opposite effect and keep you up for quite some time.  That seems to be where I am today, and where I was last night.  Idaho called a little late both nights so sleep has eluded me once again.

Tonight I got up and moved to the living room, obviously not looking for something good on TV because we already know how that goes.   I also decided I needed to have some nachos while I watch and write, why not make it a full-blown party while I watch people working out on infomercials.  Not sure how it is that I can stuff my face at 2:30 AM other than the fact I went to the dentist and didn’t really eat anything after the invasion of my molar.  I should be out walking every chance I get after what happened to me on Friday night.

Do you have that pair of jeans that’s so comfortable you just can’t get rid of them?  They’re several years old, on their third button, the bottoms are frayed and they’re so light blue they’re almost see-through?  That’s exactly what was going on with the pants I wore on Friday night.  I was sure I was going to get one more good wear out of them.  I did feel that the button may not make it through the night as the two threads holding it on were strained pretty good.  No button I can live with.  No butt or leg I cannot live with.

The pants made it through the bbq at my house and three bars, truly being troopers.  I was headed back to one of the previous bars to pick up someone we left behind and got into the car and felt the left butt cheek area give way.  I looked over at the guy sitting in the passenger seat and said “nothing good is going to come out of this”.   He looked at me as though I was crazy and then I said “I just ripped my pants”.  He laughed and said “oh I’m sure it’s not that bad”.  Wow was he wrong.

I got out of the car and pulled my t-shirt down over my butt, hoping to cover the damage.  He laughed hysterically when I showed him what was happening and then said, “it will be fine, we’ll be in and out and no one will notice”.  Well, he was partially right, at that place no one noticed.  As I got in and out of the car again I could feel the rip creeping its way down my leg.  Hindsight tells me I should have dropped him off and headed home to change my pants.

We got back to the rest of the group and all hell broke loose from there.  There was no covering the damage, not only was I freaking out but with every movement they ripped a little more.  Apparently once they were done, they were done.  At one point one of my friends decided to be a complete jackpot and grab my pocket and pull.  Needless to say that’s all that was needed to rip the pants down my entire left leg and through the bottom, leaving me with a right pants leg and my right butt cheek covered and nothing else.  The worst part of this story……..I wasn’t wearing underwear.

After some futile attempts to cover my bare ass, I turned to leave the bar with as much dignity as I could muster, which wasn’t much, and walked out the back door.   I got in the car to wait for everyone else to join me.  I then had to get out at my house with everyone still in the car laughing to go in and change.

I’m pretty sure when he grabbed my pocket he got more than he bargained for, no one deserved to see that…..well, maybe he did.  I’m sure the sight of my cottage cheese thighs and butt cheek are forever burned into his brain, that’s what he gets.  Lesson learned for me, don’t wear the pants out of the house that you think have ‘one more wear’ in them.

Oh boy, enough embarrassment for this evening and I think I finally yawned.  It’s 3:00 AM and I better try to get a few hours in before I get up for work.

Botched Photo Opps

Today on my way home from lunch I had a photo opportunity and I didn’t get to take advantage of it.  I was driving on the freeway and a car zoomed past me, clearly speeding.  I did a double take as it was a not-new 4 door Olds Cutlass Supreme.   That’s not really what was funny, it was the fact that he had a spoiler on it.  No, not a normal spoiler that perhaps would come standard with a ride like that but a spoiler you would find on a sprint car possibly.   It looked like the photo below, not kidding, it was still black too!!

I did attempt to take a picture but the guy caught me so I had to pretend I was texting.  Which I shouldn’t be doing while driving either.

This weekend I also could have used my camera.  I was standing in a bar and a woman came in and said “there’s too many cameras out there, I’m not looking my best today”.  Now, I am one who likes to find something attractive about everyone but at this point of this particular day I could not wrap my head around what her best could possibly look like.   Over half of one of her front teeth was black, not the bottom of it but the top of it.  It was giving up on her from the roots down.  She had a pair of stretch pants on from sometime in the 80’s, about 4 inches too short and a very faded black.  She had also spilled bbq sauce down the entire front of her shirt. I’ll stop there, you get the idea.  Wonder if anyone outside got a shot of her.

During pool tournaments this last weekend we had a potluck.  Food galore!  I was thankful I went before the group of people who were eating when they went through line.  Not only eating but taking a fork, sticking it in a crock pot, eating what was on the fork and then putting it in the next crock pot.  I would have loved to have a video of that.  Mostly they were doing this because their plates were so overloaded they couldn’t fit anything else on them.

I think I need to get one of those pins with a camera in it so I can catch these things as they happen and share them with all of you.  Keep your cameras handy!

Funny Blog Search III

Time to share what I’ve found under my blog searches category lately.

  • funny dog on heat pictures– I’m not sure what a ‘dog on heat’ is but it sounds like a dog on crack to me, hope they found the pictures they were looking for, doubt they found them here.
  • naked women put on lotion– This poor sap found my site, how sad for them, I’m pretty sure I didn’t provide what they were really looking for.
  • dryer bar all over my pillows – Well, this would suck if the dryer bar got stuck on someone’s pillow, I didn’t give any good advice for this issue, sorry.
  • monkeys – The fact my site comes up when someone searched for ‘monkeys’ is very sad, I think I once posted one picture of monkeys, hope they found it.
  • what are funny things that make you sleepless? – I’m so glad I’m not alone in this world wondering what makes me sleepless.
  • are talking to myself is a disease – This poor soul needs help in several areas it seems.  Perhaps they should tell themselves to take some English classes or be more careful when typing in searches.

We’ll see what the next group of searches bring, I can’t wait to share them with you.  Looking through them certainly makes my day and makes me feel okay about the things I search for online!

What Makes You Laugh II

I shared a few things that make me laugh in an earlier post and received good responses so I’ve been gathering more things that are among my favorites.

Story of my life, always a day late and a dollar short.

I received this picture for Valentine’s Day last year from a friend.  Her Mom’s name is Peggy and so is mine.  We are the only two Peggy’s she knows so we are the two that received this email.  I laughed uncontrollably all day long.  Not only because of the name but because of the sweet, old time picture.   This will go down in history as my favorite Valentine’s Day card.

8PMC-planes-trains-and-automobiles-movie-melted-speedometer

One comment from my last post was about Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  There are so many good scenes in that movie but this is one of my favorites.  It’s posted in two parts. Such a great scene, sure to make me laugh every time I see it…..along with several other parts of the movie.  What a classic.

Happy laughing.

Sleepless in Wisconsin VI

Urgh.

It’s 3:30 AM and I’ve been up for an hour.  This has been the story of my life since Idaho left.  I’m certainly not blaming him but I have seen 4:00 AM for a week and I don’t like it one bit.  Today will be no different.

I’m mad and frustrated so that doesn’t help the situation.  My cold from hell doesn’t seem to be gone either, this morning I have an ear ache and I constantly feel like I’m going to sneeze.  I hate everything right now…….except for tennis.

That’s right, I said tennis.  The Australian Open is on live at this time of the morning so it has fast become my favorite early AM show.  Why is it that I can turn on a tennis match on a Sunday afternoon and nap like it’s nobody’s business but at 2:30 AM it’s like an adrenaline rush for me?  If I still owned a tennis racket and knew where a tennis court actually was, I would probably be out there playing right now.  Of course I would be in winter boots and a parka but I’d be given it a go.  Mind you, I haven’t played tennis in at least 20 years.

Do you ever do that?  Watch a sport and think ‘I can do that, no problem’.  I’ve caught myself several times this morning talking to the players, as if I’m some sort of an expert.  I should probably tell you at this point that tennis was never my sport, I’ve played quite a bit but was never more than a novice.  But right now, in my mind, I could do this seemingly simple game quite easily.  Ya right.

I do this with golf as well.  My clubs ride around in my trunk most of the summer and rarely get used but I watch a tournament on TV and I’m suddenly a pro.  I have perfected my swing, adjusted my attitude and become a lover of my woods…..until I actually get on the course.  As we all know, my only golf outing last summer resulted in a groin pull because I slipped in the porta potty.

I’ve watched some pretty good matches in the last 90 minutes but right now I have to conclude my little rant as I have to find Mary Jo Fernandez’ email address because she is wearing a terrible shirt.  Yup, seems I’m the fashion police at this time of the morning as well.  My contribution to society never ends.  🙂

Funny Blog Search II

When I wrote my original post about a funny blog search I thought they wouldn’t get much stranger; however, I think they have.  Here’s the latest “damn search engines never give me what I want” moment:

  • bunny sex with monkey

This term has been searched for more than once, I hope it was by the same person because more than one searching for that term would be scary.  Once again, I imagine I’m disappointing those people when they click on my blog.

Here’s to finding what you’re looking for when you search.