Christmas Kick-Off

Christmas is over but the memories remain.  My Christmas was kicked off on the Eve of Christmas Eve while bartending.  It was a pretty good kick-off because it’s given me lots of material to talk about and something to write about.

About two hours into a nine hour shift She (I wrote about her and her contact lens previously) arrived.  I looked to the heavens and said a small prayer prior to serving her a vodka diet coke.  “Tall, I want a strong one” she ordered.  Well, when I’m working that gets you nowhere, in fact, it may get you a drink that’s slightly light on the alcohol just because.  I hate to do that but if you want a strong drink and a bartender that likes you, order and pay for a double.  A bartender will make your drink however they make their drinks.  You will not persuade them by telling them to ‘make it strong’.

This woman is a talker, and I mean a talker, she talks non-stop, to no one, about nothing.  She not only butts into everyone else’s conversation, she touches them, hugs them and has no concept of personal space.  Oh, and, she’s also a singer.  Not a singer in the ‘I can sing’ kind of way but a singer in the ‘I sound like a cat that’s being dragged behind a car’ kind of way, and she loves to play the juke box.

Her and I were in juke box bliss (read that with sarcasm please) when the two boys came in.  I carded them so know they were 24 and 25.  I should probably mention here that she’s 49 and doesn’t look a day over 57.  She noticed the boys right away, got a look on her face like a cougar in heat and apparently started plotting her pounce.  After they were about half a beer in, she moseyed up, put her arms around them and said “Hi boys”, in her sexiest of voices (I’m rolling my eyes as I type that).  Now, prior to her doing that I had apologized to these two lovely gentlemen for anything that may come out of her mouth that was offensive.  They’re reply, “we can’t wait”.

She first asked their names, they were Bob and Brian, which was completely not true and of course she basically gave her name, rank, serial number, home phone number and the lowdown on her marital status, which shockingly enough, is SINGLE.  This is about the time the boys started giggling and they didn’t stop through two more beers, two shots and about 15 songs.  Them giggling of course made me giggle and the night was off to a very interesting start.  At one time she rubbed her nose on Bob’s back and said “Ohhh, my nose is so cold”, the look on his face was priceless when immediately following that she said “I think I’m flirting with you, that would make me a cougar”.  his eyes screamed “what the hell just happened, you have to help me” but that was the point of no return for me and for Bob.   No way, no how were we going to stop laughing.

The ‘cougar chronicles’ continued through “Love is a Battlefield”, “Fat Bottomed Girls”, “Hell Is For Children” and “Angel of the Morning”.  She serenaded them like I have never heard before in my life.  At one point I put my phone on record, set it on the bar and let it ride.  Her serenading is forever recorded.  I just have no idea how to share it yet because the file is too big, I’ll figure it out eventually though.  I would hate to not be able to share it with all of you, it’s pretty awesome.   Just in case you have any thoughts that she might have known the words to any of those songs, you are completely mistaken.

The boys finally left while apologizing for having to meet friends elsewhere and assured me they would be back another night.  I asked them to take her with but they respectfully declined.  I personally think Brian was headed home to change his shirt that she kept rubbing her nose on but that’s just my opinion.

After the boys left, she continued to ramble on and sing until her cab arrived for the second time, she had sent him away the first time because she was having so much fun flirting.  When her second chariot arrived she almost forgot her purse, phone and money on the bar so I had to stop her prior to getting out the door.  I shook my head and said a thank you for the peace and quiet as the door closed.

About 45 minutes after she left, two police officers walked in the front door….with her following behind, covered in snow.  I cannot begin to explain to you the thoughts that invaded my brain when I spotted her.  All I could say was “Hi officers, can I help you?”.  They said “we understand she was in here earlier.”.  Of course I told them she had been.  While she was in the bathroom, they told me she had lost her purse and couldn’t get in her house.  I filled in what blanks I could and they finally called the cab company and found out she had been dropped off at the gas station.  She told the driver she was going to walk home from there.

They found out she had her purse at the gas station so they thanked me and left on the next leg of the adventure with the cougar.  I doubt I have to mention here that she was completely flirting with the officers.   I laughed and once again shook my head as they left me.  Thinking that was one too many times seeing her that night.

About 11:30 I started my closing routine, taking out the trash, checking bathrooms, straightening stools and there it was……..her cellphone……..on the corner of the bar.  Well crap, what to do about that?  I checked the recent calls and texts to see if there was anything from her from a home phone or a friend’s phone.  Nothing.  Knowing we were closed for the next two days I figured I would take it with me and track her down the following day, in her ramblings she managed to tell me where she worked along with a thousand other details of her life.

At 11:45 the front door flew open and there She stood.  Red faced, shivering and red faced.  I closed my eyes, laughed and finally said “Hey, you’re here to pick up your phone, glad you made it”.  She said “Yeah, I need my phone in order to get up for work”.   Then she said “Man, I had the cops at my house”.  I said “I know, they brought you in here because you lost your purse”.  She said “They did?”.  Then she went on and on how she didn’t understand how they knew she lost her purse since she didn’t have a phone and they were in her living room and then of course added they were kind of hot.

I tried over and over again to explain to her how she hadn’t left her phone at the bar until after she tried to go home and lost her purse on the way but she just wasn’t in any condition to comprehend.  Finally I went out and started my car, told her to go and wait in the car and I locked up the bar.  When we were on the way to her house she said “You know, I don’t have much but I have a little bit of pot at home so you’re welcome to come in and we’ll smoke it”.  At this point, nothing surprises me about her so I politely said “No thanks, I’ve got to get up early”.  She thanked me excessively and got out.  I waited for her to climb the snow bank and get in the house.

I took the remainder of the drive to piece together what had happened to her and here’s what I came up with.  She had the cab drop her off at the gas station, she bought a bag full of crap, walked home and on the walk she took a digger in a snow bank and dropped her purse in the fall.  She got home, couldn’t get in the door,  called the police, they retraced her steps to the bar, the gas station and the snow bank and found her purse.  She then walked back to the bar to pick up the phone she forgot on her second visit.  I laughed out loud thinking of it, wishing it would have somehow been filmed and was happy the adventurous evening was over.

I’m curious to see what she says next time she comes in and how much she actually remembers.  All I know……it’s always interesting when she’s in the bar.

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Sleepless in Minnesota

I don’t like to wish ill on anyone but I am glad I’m not the only member of some clubs.  Like this sleepless issue I have, it seems others suffer from the same thing, possibly for different reasons but sleepless nonetheless.

My friend Sharon was kind enough to share her story with me and I would love to share it with all of you.  I’ve been slacking in my stories lately so guest writers are always welcome.

“Sleep or No Sleep, We Must Get Along”

As I have gone through several stages of life, sleepless nights have created a variety of entertainment for me. I have experienced bouts of sleep deprivation for many years. Reasons, reactions, and outcomes of long nights with little sleep have always resulted to be quite interesting. The positive side is the opportunity to share stories and laughter with friends.

Mischievous thoughts are plentiful when you have an awesome husband with nighttime flaws such as falling asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. It took me many years to understand and accept this flaw. I lie next to him and want to talk about the day or ask questions about tomorrow. The usual response I get is, “Yes, dear.” and before I realize it, he’s sleeping. And I remain wondering, how does that happen and why doesn’t it happen to me? Then before I know it, his snoring begins and another sleepless night begins for me.

Years ago, one night my husband was asleep on his back, pillow over his eyes and forehead, mouth open and was snoring. My mind raced to find a solution to this problem. The only thing I could think of at the time was to hold his nose shut. I thought about it for a while before I acted. I thought, hmm, can’t hurt him because his mouth was open. So I proceeded to pinch his nose shut. As one may have guessed, that was not a smart choice. He was gasping and swinging his arms. I laughed; he didn’t because he elbowed me in the head. The next time I attempted this maneuver; I kept a slight distance from him and put a pillow by my face. I succeeded. He stopped snoring and rolled over. I remember that outcome being a little too boring for my taste.

Throughout the years, I have implemented a variety of actions that I thought would be a solution. After 20+ years of marriage, his snoring and my sleepless nights continue. As my frustrations surge, I say a few naughty words directed at him, and proceed to leave our bedroom and venture to a different bedroom.  Why I bother saying anything is beyond me because he doesn’t hear me anyways!

Last night I awakened at 12:40 a.m., wishing it was 5:40 a.m. so I could get out of bed and do something, I knew it was going to be a long night. Of course the mind starts to plan the day and prioritize everything. Like that’s going to happen when sleep has not been part of my routine for quite some time. Once again, my frustrations surged, I said a few naughty words directed at him, and proceed to leave our bedroom and venture to a different bedroom. I lay in bed and thought about our day’s accomplishments and what we still had to get done in preparation for the winter months. That did not heighten sleepiness at all because I started to smile and giggle to myself, followed by a reflection of my mischievous actions in our younger marital years.

At about 2:30 a.m., I logged onto Facebook and played Candy Crush. Through the walls, I could hear my husband snoring. I mumble utterly to myself and became completely frustrated with Candy Crush. I logged off of Facebook and thought, hmm, what can I do now? Then, I had a thought. I went to the garage because I thought of a sign I hung on the wall. I read the sign, and then looked at the boat and snow blower. This concludes how I spent the wee hours this morning.

sharon1

And you two must share a garage stall!

sharon2

The Joys of Bartending VII

It’s amazing the people they let on the golf course.  Saturday four guys walked into the bar after a golf tournament.  Now, something tells me that these four really shouldn’t have been on the golf course, not in their condition anyway.  But I do believe the golf course is who served them to the condition they were in.  They were dropped off by a sober cab and were being picked up by a sober cab, thank goodness.  They were actually pretty funny so I started writing down what was being said.  I do have to admit that I couldn’t understand a lot of what they were saying but they sure understood each other.  I’ll share my notes as I wrote them while it was happening.

  • One’s got the giggles and one’s speaking jibberish and they completely understand each other.
  • “Where we going now, some kind of internet” as one of the other guys was changing the channel on the TV.
  • “There’s two things I know and that’s not one of them.”
  • One attempting to use his flip phone, holding it upside down and pushing buttons asking why he couldn’t hear anything.
  • “$10 if you slap my brother, $20 if you draw blood”
  • “I remember seeing Van Halen for $7.50.  Man that was a good time, I think.”
  • “I think I’ve got pink eye.”  I asked him “Do you know what causes pink eye?”, he said no so I told him, “It can be caused by feces.”  So then he said “Maybe it’s hepatitis”.
  • “Tell me this isn’t a good song and I’ll never be your friend again.”
  • “It’s not devil music, it’s aggressive.”
  • “While golfing today I forgot the word fore so when I hit it toward the people in front of us I kept yelling OY really loud.  They didn’t get it and were mad.  We laughed about OY for several holes”.
  • They’re now walking around yelling “OY” and bending over laughing hysterically.
  • One snuck out to get into a sober ride.  He must have finally figured out how to work his phone.  I couldn’t understand a thing that was coming out of his mouth but apparently the driver understood enough to know where to come and get him.
  • Most of the time they were all talking at the same time so it was tough to decipher who was saying what or what was being said.  They’re having the best time though so that’s all that matters.
  • A girl in an inappropriate white shirt has shown up to the party and seems to be hoping to go home with one of them.  By inappropriate I mean, half mesh and strapless.  The bottom half is mesh which shows her thong underwear bunched up above the waist band of her pants but below her butt crack.  So very classy.  I think she just came from Wal-Mart.
  • Inappropriate girl has made it very clear to two guys that she will be waiting in the parking lot for them so they can go to the next bar with her.  Ummm, they’re not wanting any part of that and are planning their escape route.
  • Inappropriate girl thought the side window was the door, tripped over a step and face planted on the floor.  That’s not good.  For a minute I thought she knocked herself out, nope, she’s up and out.
  • Oh dear, inappropriate girl left with one of the guy’s phone.  This isn’t good, he’s mad, very mad.  He just went next door with a golf club.  Wonder if I should warn them he’s on his way.
  • The party ended when one of the daughters came to pick them all up.  They put up a fight but finally went with her as she wasn’t going to take no for an answer.  The walked out in a single file and their heads down.

Well that was sure a night filled with funny.  So glad those things happen while I’m around.

Teeth

I notice teeth.  Whether people have them, need them, should get them fixed or need a toothbrush.  I notice teeth.

Tuesday at the bar while I was working a new set of teeth walked in.  And I mean a new set of teeth, fresh from the carving station and they were attached to one of my regulars.  Now, he hasn’t been in on my shift for a few weeks but I know he did NOT have that set of choppers last time I saw him.  They were white and shiny, brand spanking new, I don’t even think they’d seen a glass of Efferdent yet.

I’m never sure what to say in this situation.  Do you act like you don’t notice them?  Do you  say “nice teeth”?  “I like the teeth.”  Where’d you get them”?  Or, do you say nothing and just stare?  Well, I chose none of the above.   I said “Hi, good to see you, you’re looking good.”  Honestly, this guy hasn’t looked good since he was a junior in high school in 1977 and even then it may have been iffy.  But I was at a loss for the right words so I improvised, very poorly.  Plus, I could not stop looking at him.

My compliment and my staring apparently appealed to him as he was grinning like the chubby kid at an all day buffet.  You would think I would have stopped staring at that point, nope, not one bit.  There is something definitely wrong with me.  I should probably mention at this point it was just his top teeth that were new, his bottom ones were still MIA.  I did not care, I couldn’t get over how different he looked, and by different I mean nice looking…..in a bad boy, used leather, rode hard, lots older than me sort of way.

Yeah, I know, I’m crazy, he still didn’t have his bottom teeth!!!  The more I stared and saw his laugh lines and his smile lines around his mouth that was no longer sucked into his head, the more I was really attracted to this guy.  I need to mention again that he still didn’t have any bottom teeth!!  I even caught myself flirting with him.  Now, I really should reiterate that I flirt with most everyone when I bartend, it’s part of the gig but I think I was really going out of my way on this one.  I kept reigning myself in to just talk about what he’s been up to since I’ve seen him last because it had been so long.  At one point I even had to go and sit across the bar just so I would stop rambling.

He stayed for three drinks and he never stays for three drinks!!  I forced myself to stay away from him so I would stop staring, it was obvious he had noticed me noticing him.  I’m sure he just thought it was amusing as there’s no way he was attracted to me.  Honestly, I’m not really attracted to him either, it was just one of those days and one of those things that caught me off guard and messed with my senses.  What a fiasco.  He finally left, grinning from ear to ear all the way to the door.  Things were so bad I even checked the rest of him out on his way out.

I shared this story with one of the other bartenders and she said “oh, he used to be very good looking”.  Great, just great.  I hope next week he doesn’t come in with new bottom teeth, if that happens I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

The Joys of Bartending VI

Sometimes so many things happen that I have a tough time deciding exactly what to write about.  I will attempt to share some highlights with you.  We could probably call some of them lowlights.

The other night a woman was on a roll with some stories and there I was looking around for a way to record or write down everything she was saying.  I thought it would be sort of rude if I would have said “hold that thought, I’ve got to write this down”, so I sat back and attempted to file away all the crazy stuff that she was saying.  I doubt I can remember it all but here’s a few things:

“It’s okay that I smoke and my kids don’t know about it, right?  I mean, I’ve never actually had weed in front of them….well, one time I had a quarter pound of it duct taped under my bed….but they didn’t know it was there so I think that’s okay, plus, it never happened again.”

“I could move on the res with my cousins I suppose but I couldn’t go without a couple of potato guns, I mean, a tennis ball won’t kill anyone, right?  I’m related to them all but that doesn’t mean I have to like them.”

“I’m having a shot, I don’t care what kind of medication I’m on.  If I wake up in the morning and don’t know where I’m at then I guess that’s what happens but I really need a shot right now.”

“It’s really weird talking to my mom at this age.  It’s like we’re the same age or something.”

Her questions were completely rhetorical because she certainly didn’t want any answers from me so I just smiled and nodded as any good bartender would do.  I could have also typed that as one long sentence because she barely took a breath between any of it.

I did manage to make notes on a woman that was in one Saturday afternoon who was talking about her wedding…..

“We’re going to get married here and you’re going to be my bartender.  I’ll tell everyone no less than $5 tips at a time because that’s how I roll.  I’m paying for the kegs and the food.  My girls will do the food….hams and turkeys….good food.  We’re fat girls, we like to eat, none of this skinny girl shit.  His sisters are skinny bitches.”

I then asked her when the wedding would take place…..her answer……”whenever he asks me, in the next month or two.”  She then proceeded to play their wedding music over and over again on the jukebox.  I was privy to some sort of dance I would have rather not witnessed.

After the dancing he told her he wanted to play pool.  She said “I can’t play pool, you know I can’t play pool because I have a glass eye.”  Upon saying that she promptly poked herself in her glass eye.  Thank goodness he didn’t ask her to brush her teeth, she was a little light in the tooth department and I would have hated if she stuck her finger anywhere to point that out.

One of my regulars was in a few Saturdays ago and he had a styrofoam coffee cup on the bar.  I said hi when I walked by and he said “hey, do you want to see my rats?”  I promptly said “NO”.  He had a pile of dead baby rats in the cup that he had found in a refrigerator somewhere.  All I could do was shake my head and force myself not to look in the cup.  A little later he said “move away with me to Colorado and we’ll go down the river together”.  I said “one of us won’t make it to the end of the river alive”.  He knew exactly what I meant and he still brings it up to this day.

Very recently a few friends came in for a couple of drinks and a visit.  During their visit two of my other friends showed up and one had clearly indulged in several adult beverages, this particular lady is a hugger on a regular day and a super hugger on a day with beverages.  I introduced everyone and conversations flowed easily.

When the hugger was leaving she promptly said “nice to meet you and I’m a hugger so no handshakes”.  I immediately had to turn away from the scene as one of my friends is clearly not a hugger but he indulged.  This woman is not only a hugger but she’s a long hugger.  The whole scene was pretty hilarious.  I’m sure you’ve seen it before….the hugger and the stiff as a board non-hugger in an embrace.  On her way to the door she announced she was going to do the Irish jig.  She did.  Her sober significant other did not laugh near as hard as the rest of us did.

Closing up at 2:00 AM I heard a horrible noise coming from the parking lot.  I looked out the window and saw two women standing outside of what was left of their car.  One end of the back bumper was hanging on by a thread and the other end was dragging on the ground.  I assumed that was the cause of the noise.  I noticed the back window was plastic and duct taped on and every piece of trim was missing on the car.  As I walked outside I noticed the front bumper was also dragging on the ground.  They were screaming at each other and at some people who had gathered around the scene.  I have no idea what they were saying because I could only understand a few curse words.  After a couple of minutes they got in the car and drove away.  Yes, they drove away, sparks flying and earth shattering noises following behind.  I have no idea how far they made it because I chose to drive the other way.

A couple weeks ago, a very intoxicated woman was at the bar for several hours.  She was well-behaved for the most part and at one point she asked if I had any contact solution, which I did.  She was having trouble with her contact (I don’t think it was the contact myself but hey) and wanted to soak it for a bit.  I put it in a plastic cup to soak and she went back to gambling.  About two hours later she was yelling and swearing so I asked her what the problem was.  She said “I lost my contact!”  I said “you were supposed to leave it in the cup”.  She said “I did but I wanted to put it back in my eye”.  We looked and looked for the contact and then looked some more, I even broke out the flashlight and was crawling on the floor.  I finally gave up and said “it’s gone, I have no idea what happened to it”.

After about three more hours she yelled “I found it!”  I went over to her and she had the top of a beer can in her hand, squinting at it with her ‘good eye’.  I said “you can’t put that in your eye, it’s a beer can top”.  She had a shocked look on her face and asked “are you sure?”  Well, I wasn’t about to state the obvious that I hadn’t put in an eight hour shift of drinking so I said “I’m sure”.  She looked down at the floor and said “oh, but there it is”.  She bent over and picked something up from in front of the chair next to her and sure enough, it was her contact.  I took it from her, slathered it with contact solution for a few minutes, looked at her and said “can I put it in for you?”  She pried open her eye so I put it in.  She blinked once, hugged me and said “I can see better out of this one than my other one now!”.  Enough said, I went back to work shaking my head and she sat down to go back to gambling.

This morning a guy came in and ordered a tap beer.  I said “what’s going on today?” because it was 10:00 AM, he’s not one of the regulars and he was having a beer so I figured something was up.  He said “I called in sick for the first time in three years today because I’m hungover”.  I said “oh no, that’s not good”.  He replied with “well, I actually went to work but decided to leave after I blew a .12 in my buddies car breathalyzer”.  Then he added “the strip club was just too much for me last night”.  I didn’t ask any more questions because I was afraid of the answer.  I really wanted to say “by all means, why not start drinking again” but it was too early to have that conversation.

Tonight a woman said “two years ago I planned my wedding for September of 2013 and now I have a wedding planned and no boyfriend”.  I was dumb and said “what happened to him?”  She said “oh, there never was one, I just thought I’d have one by now and I have the date, the place and the flowers, what am I going to do?”  I stared at her for a minute and said “shoot and holler shit”.  I couldn’t think of anything else to say.  She tried to bring up the subject several more times and I completely ignored her.  I am not qualified to counsel her on that particular issue.

Happy drinking!

This Is My Life

I truly have to wonder if the stuff that happens to me happens to everyone.  I think it does but most people probably find it more frustrating than funny.  I had one of those weeks this past week and of course I feel the need to share.

I had to break up a fight at the bar and I haven’t had to do that in a long time.  One of our regulars Jan was in and she was in rare form (well, not really rare for her).  She’s a bit rough around the edges but has a heart of gold.  I have rules for her when I’m there.  She has to pull up her pants, no wearing them below her butt cheeks, she can’t mooch off of other customers, she can’t ask me for money and she can’t try to sell me anything.  No, I am not lying, those are her rules.  She is VERY aware of them.

Anyway, Jan was with a girl and a guy.  Pretty soon her and the girl were off of their stools pushing and slapping each other.  Like a shot (I move pretty fast when it comes to this stuff) I went around the bar and got between them.  Then I panicked.  I not only got between them, I had my back to the regular.  In a matter of a couple of seconds some very bad scenarios went through my head, including getting a knife in the back.  I stepped away in one piece thankfully.  As I was yelling at her that she had to leave I added “now you have another rule, no fighting and I shouldn’t have to tell you that.  If it happens again, you’re out for good”!  I act pretty tough in times like that.

As I walked back behind the bar Matt, (another regular) said “holy crap, how did I miss that, I’ve never seen you move so fast”.  I said “the last thing I need is to have to call the cops on my shift, I take care of that on my own”.  He just laughed and went back to the game on his phone.  He’s normally the one that takes care of any riff raff while he’s there.

A few minutes after breaking up the fight a woman walked in wearing a pair of sunglasses.  Across the lenses it said SW AG.  Matt and I looked at each other and at the same time said “this ought to be good”.  It didn’t take her long to start dirty dancing and shooting pool.  She was using the pool stick as a stripper pole since we don’t actually have a stripper pole there.  She got a little worked up at one point so took her arms out of her hoodie and just wore it around her neck.  She was wearing a wife beater and was sportin’ some pretty large butt crack.  She didn’t care, she had swag and was going to prove to everyone she had earned those sunglasses.   She attempted to pick up a couple customers to take home but struck out.  She left and came back twice providing us with about two hours of entertainment but left empty handed each time.  Perhaps she found someone in a different bar.

Jan came in a couple days later apologizing for her behavior and tried to tell me she wasn’t fighting.  I argued with her for a minute and then she finally said “if we were fighting why did I wake up with her in my bed the next morning?”  I could only drop my head and go about my day, I had no argument for that and I certainly didn’t ask for any sort of confirmation.

Saturday night I had a group of three come in who were more than interesting.  The woman had won money somehow, somewhere and was throwing it around like it grew on trees.  She used her bra for a wallet and was going back to her stash like a fat kid at a buffet.  She bought her and her friends drinks, bought the other people in the bar drinks and put 20 bucks in the jukebox.  With that $20 she played two songs, the same two songs, over and over again.  She offered me 10 bucks to crank the jukebox.  I’m not proud, I did it and because she was buying drinks for everyone they all stood up and sang with her at the top of their lungs.

It wasn’t long before her and her man started dancing.  This was when I noticed that she had on a very sheer, very revealing shirt which didn’t cover much and continually fell off her shoulder to expose a lot of skin and a good portion of her bra.  I also noticed she wore a swimsuit bikini bottom under her jeans.  The strings and bows were hanging out of her pants and her crack was hanging out of both the bikini and the jeans.

It was difficult for me to watch this show with a straight face so I found something to do that would leave me with my back to them.  Soon after I started ignoring them I heard a thump and got that feeling in my stomach that something was going on I did not want to see.  I turned around and sure enough she was sitting on the bar with him between her legs.  I have never seen a 400 lb man dry hump anyone but he was going to town.

I thought the friction he was causing may start a fire and I was a bit scared to tell him to stop but I had no choice.  I yelled “hey, no no no no no no no, no, NO  You cannot do that on my bar.”  They both looked at me with that “what?” look on their face and he lifted her off the bar.  Thank goodness they stopped without issue but not before I was searching desperately for eye wash, or acid, or tequila, anything.  That’s something that I can never unsee.

The week ended at McDonald’s.  I was in desperate need of a small chocolate shake (I never used to crave chocolate but apparently that happens when they remove some of your girl parts, go figure).  I ordered my shake sans cherry, received my total and started to drive toward the window.  I stopped behind a red Dodge that was probably two car lengths from window number one.  His driver’s door was open with his rear sticking out and him digging under the dash.  My window was still open so when he straightened up he said to me “it’ll just be a second, it’s the battery, no big deal”.  He then proceeded to open the hood and dig around for a few seconds, close the hood and get in.  He was talking the whole time, telling me it wouldn’t be long.  His truck started and on he went to the first window.

After he paid, he stepped on the gas and the truck moved about three feet and then died again.  This time he seemed to be prepared and was veering to the right to get out of the way.  He stopped in front of the second window but he was in the actual driving lane.  I paid quickly and was laughing as I moved toward the second window.  As I got to the second window the guy’s passenger got out of the truck and said “screw this, I’m going in to get the food”.  His passenger left him there, stalled.  The driver opened his door and started pushing the truck by himself.

I went to the window, helped the very confused McDonald’s crew figure out which food went where because they kept trying to give me two McChickens (which actually belonged to the people behind me) and went on my very very merry way.   I giggled for about 30 minutes and had to call a friend to tell her about it.  I thought long and hard about what my friends would do and decided yes, they probably would leave me stalled to go get the food.

I can’t wait to see what this week brings.

Funny Blog Search IV

I haven’t looked into the nitty-gritty of my stats lately because I’ve been a bit preoccupied with getting my book done. I took some time today to see what’s been happening here and it’s interesting as always.  I looked at the report back to the beginning of the year.  What I found astounds me.  Here’s why:

Over 400 searches were people wondering about making the workday go faster.  How sad is that?  People are so unhappy and/or bored at their jobs they want to make it go faster.  I may have to start publishing some actual ideas since my post about making the workday go faster was pretty sarcastic and only gave ideas that would probably get people fired in the long run.  It’s funny how we take things for granted, especially our jobs.  I still think the best way not to be bored at your job is to actually do your job and do it well.  If you’re bored ask what can be done to better the company.  Don’t make things up to do and don’t do unnecessary things, be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.  Simple I know but effective.

Almost 300 searches were related to camel toes.   Oh what an odd world we live in that people are actually searching for that.  Must be a fairly popular fetish (I just threw up in my mouth a little).  There were even searches for ‘ugly camel toe’, ummmm, I guess I’m in the camp that all camel toes are ugly so that search seems rather redundant to me.  A few searches asked ‘what is a camel toe?’, my post surely didn’t answer that question, sorry about that.  All I can seem to do about this one is shake my head.

Seven searches for ‘huge monkeys’ and two searches for ‘huge bugs’.  Really?  They found my blog?  I am 100% positive these poor souls did not find what they were looking for, I think I only have one actual post that even mentions monkeys and zero that mention bugs….well, other than this one now.

Six searches for ‘front door of a freight train’.  I have no clue why it is that my blog is found under this search but I know that I did not supply what they were looking for.  I didn’t realize people were interested in the front door of freight trains or that they even had a front door!

Another search worth mentioning is ‘hair cuts for my pony’.  I can’t even imagine how many pages of Google these people had to look through to find the one that was pointed to my page.  I would imagine my story about hair cuts is the one that showed up but they certainly found no use in that story.

Last and certainly not least there are searches for pot pies.  Yes, I know, it’s a terrible world where people would actually do an online search for pot pies.  I hope that my post on pot pies made them think twice about purchasing any, I’m attempting to save the world one pot pie at a time.  Don’t do it people, don’t do it.  There are much better things to eat out there, like liver and onions, head cheese or blood soup.

Can’t wait to see what the next few months bring!  As usual it will only get more and more strange.

Daily Prompt: Escape!

Describe your ultimate escape plan (and tell us what you’re escaping from).

What a perfect prompt for me today because I have a plan.   Here it is:

I bought a Powerball ticket on Monday and I’m going to win it.  It’s not a mega-huge jackpot but that’s why I’m going to win.  Life would be tragic if I won 348 million and I probably wouldn’t live through the month. I do think I could handle 20 million or so though.  Fewer people are buying tickets because the jackpot is lower which makes my odds good.  Done, in the bag, everyone else tap out, I’m winning!

Oddly enough I do have a backup plan.  Silly, I know but I figured I better put a Plan B in place on the off-chance the sales lady at the gas station gave me the wrong numbers.  I will hunt her down if they’re not the right ones but I get it, everyone makes mistakes, we’re only human, I guess.

My escape plan is this:

My best friend is having surgery on Friday and I’m going to take care of her for a few days, whether she likes it or not.  This is my first escape for a few days, her house, her family.  I’m excited to spend some time there as there will be lots of laughs.  I owe this woman my life so I am willing to do whatever is needed to take care of her.  I may have to draw the line at giving her a bath or wiping her rear end but we can work around that with a garden hose and a loofa sponge on a stick if need be.  Yes, I have thought this through.

While I’m there I will be submitting an ebook to be published.  That has been my focus for weeks and I’m so close I can feel it.  I’m scared to death that only 25 copies will sell but if I don’t stick my neck out how am I going to figure out who’s going to chop it off.

I’ve decided to get a job for the summer only for now.  I’d like to bartend at a seasonal place (resort, golf club, marina) and work as much as possible.  I’m willing to give up one summer so I can make as much money as I can.  I figure a pile of money and pure exhaustion at the end of the summer should propel me to the next phase of my plan.

If by some small miracle, one of the 25 buyers of my book is a publisher or editor, I will hopefully get noticed for a printed book, a second book or perhaps even a writer for a small nursing home newsletter in Florida.

Before winter hits us, I would like to be somewhere warm.  Preferably in the Caribbean.  Now, I realize I may have to purchase a small boat, row there myself, live on the beach and make clay pots (oh, that reminds me, I should take a pottery class) but I want to be there.  The ultimate escape to paradise.

Finally, I don’t think of it as escaping from anything, I think of it as moving toward something.  Ok, maybe escaping from the northland winters, that warrant for my arrest and that weird stalker guy but other than that, I’m not running, I’m really not.  In all seriousness, I feel this is about me, my time, my dream, my plan.

Hopefully everyone has an escape plan.  Even if it’s far-fetched and may never come true I think everyone should have dreams for an escape.

Daily Prompt: The Odd Couple

Does a messy home (or office) make you anxious and cranky, or is cleaning something you just do before company comes over?

Today’s Daily Prompt question is interesting because for me there doesn’t seem to be a clear-cut answer.

When it comes to working out of the house I am anxious and cranky about a messy desk/office.  Everything has its place.  Unfortunately I have worked in places where it’s hard to find a place for everything because of space, location or lack of equipment/supplies.  I am completely ashamed to say that I have actually driven back to my office at night or gone in on a weekend just because I left a mess behind.  I have no idea if that makes me obsessive, a good employee or just plain stupid but I’ve done it.

As far as my house is concerned I would have to say I fall somewhere in the middle.  If I’m going to have people over and I have ample notice, I will be pretty anxious about making sure the house is clean.  I lived by myself for a few years so my obsessiveness about cleanliness in those years would ebb and flow.  For a few days I would be a slob.  Now, when I say slob I mean not doing the dishes, not putting my clothes away or not sweeping the floor.  I don’t mean leaving rotting food lying around or garbage everywhere.  I want to be sure to be specific here.

I also have to admit there have been times when company was coming that I did the “fake clean”.  You know what I’m talking about, I know you’ve done it too, don’t deny it.  Dirty dishes in the oven, clothes shoved in a closet or piles of stuff moved to a closet or drawer.  Yes, this is very deceiving because people think you have a clean house all the time but it’s better than them thinking the alternative in my mind.

Now that I have a roommate I’m a bit more obsessive at home, I may go a couple of days without doing dishes, vacuuming, etc. but I make sure to keep a pretty clean house so she doesn’t think I’m a slob.  I still throw my dirty clothes down the basement steps but I attempt to make them in a basket instead of leaving them on the floor at the bottom. I still may not put my clothes away but at least they’re in my closet in a basket instead of in the living room in a basket.  Shhhh, don’t tell anyone that my closet isn’t clean.

I also have to say that I am very obsessive about my house before I leave for a few days.  I don’t like coming home to a mess and God forbid something happened to me, I don’t want people coming over to find a mess!  They certainly don’t need to come in to find a science experiment in the fridge, a messy bathroom or a pile of dirty laundry.

I’m not going to be one of those people who say “oh, my house is clean all the time” or “no one cleans like I do” because that’s just not true.  I know a few of those people and I’ve discovered those who brag the most about being obsessively clean really aren’t that way.

Thinking about all this just prompted me to make a list for tomorrow.  Vacuum, laundry, kitchen and bathroom floors and clean sheet night.  Ohhh, looking forward to going to bed tomorrow night already!  Yes, it’s true, clean sheet night is really that exciting to me.

Daily Prompt: Trading Places

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a member of the opposite sex for a day? What do you think life would be like?

There is no right or wrong answer to this, it’s all about our own perspective so I’m not going to over think, I’ll list what comes to my mind first.

  • I’d shower to discover all my new and missing body parts.
  • I’d jump up and down after the shower to discover what that would be like without having to wear a sports bra.  It would also tell me what I’d be working with between my legs.
  • I would stand in front of the mirror to see how much body hair I was cursed with and where exactly it was.  Then I’d trim if need be.
  • I would get dressed, pull my pants up above my crack, not worry about makeup, put on a baseball hat and hit the road.
  • I would first drive around town in my car to see if I became a better driver or not.
  • I would go test drive a big huge truck just to see if it made me feel more masculine.
  • I would test drive a motorcycle to find out if it was instinct how to drive it and see how many women looked my way.
  • I would scratch and adjust myself as much as possible just to see if it’s really that necessary.
  • I would open doors for all the ladies I encounter and smile politely.
  • It would be a lie if I didn’t mention sex.  One would HAVE to know what that would be like.
  • I would do a few chores at home like mow the lawn, take out the garbage, clean the toilet, do the dishes, etc. to see if those things are really as bad as some men say.
  • I would figure out what types of women I’m attracted to.  I would attempt to find out why some men are attracted to the bat shit crazy ones and I would leave something behind to let them know to run away.
  • I would go to the power tool section of the store and see if I automatically knew how to use them all and exactly what they were used for.
  • I would buy something that needs to be assembled just so I could assemble it without reading the directions.
  • I would take a trip without a map or GPS just so I could not ask for directions to see how long it would take to figure it out on my own.
  • I would sit in solitude for a bit to see if I really was thinking about “nothing” or if that’s just what I would tell someone.
  • I’d pee outside just because I could.

I could probably think of several more points but I think that’s enough for now.  I certainly wouldn’t want to dip into any emotional, avoiding confrontation or love stuff.