Sleepless in Wisconsin V

Here we go again, after a couple of hours of sleep I’m sitting on the couch and have been attempting to watch TV for over an hour.   Tonight I’m not only wide awake but I’m restless which isn’t good.  I’m thankful at this moment the grocery store isn’t open or I would be there with my list, coupons, bad hair and inappropriate outfit.  Yes, I could go to Wal-Mart but that would be tragic, completely tragic, as I would end up in the next people of Wal-Mart email.  Some of those people already hit too close to home, I don’t actually need to be one of them.

I watched college football a good portion of the day today so Sports Center is out of the question and I’m sure I don’t have to reiterate why that is.  My channel surfing went well beyond my normal limits and I’m watching Comedy Central.  Not that I don’t ever watch Comedy Central, it just happens to be in the channels I rarely get to and tend to forget about.  I’m enamored by the commercials on this station.

The commercials that are on at 3:30 in the morning are kind of crazy.  Did you know that Jimmy Johnson does a commercial for Extenze?  Seriously Jimmy, Extenze?  I don’t even know what to say about that.  Are you really that hard up for money?  I bet one of my next posts will be another one about search engine terms, some poor guy trying to find out how to enhance his sex life is going to find this blog because I’m flabbergasted by Jimmy Johnson.  Sorry buddy.

Along with Jimmy there are tons of commercials for a chat line of some sort.  Apparently this isn’t a date line, it’s a phone call with benefits.  And the commercials aren’t for the same one, there’s several numbers, I wonder if it’s really the same people answering all of those numbers.  They show these sexy men and women on the commercials and you know darn well the people actually answering the phones do not look like that.  There’s a good chance they’re toothless home bodies that haven’t showered in three days.  Sexy huh?

There’s two other commercials that are completely disturbing to me this morning.  One is for something called Forever Lazy which seems to be one piece pajamas.  Ok people, I understand we might want these; however, the commercial shows people running through a field, having drinks with the neighbors and having dinner with the family.  What?  You couldn’t put actual clothes on to do those things?  I really think they could have stopped with the scenario of watching movies at home and being snuggled up on the couch because I’m pretty sure that’s the only place anyone is going to wear this thing.

The second commercial is for something called Good Vibrations or something like that.  This is a personal item for women.  Ok, fine.  The commercial shows a woman getting this in the mail and talking to her neighbor about it.  This is not something I’d be sharing with my neighbor, let alone standing on the street opening the package for the world to see.  Again, can’t we think of better scenarios to portray this product?  No matter how good this product is I’m most likely not going to be talking about it and showing it to my neighbor.

I’m afraid if I keep watching there will be more so I better attempt to get some sleep.  It’s after 4:00 AM and people are actually getting up for the day.  Maybe I’ll read and stay up until the grocery store at 6:00.  Hmmmm.

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Sleepless in Wisconsin IV

Oy ve.  This no sleeping thing is for the birds.  2 nights in a row it’s been bad, bad, bad.

Here are my ramblings from those 2 nights.

Sunday morning 3:37 AM.  What in the sam hell am I doing awake at this time of the morning again??  Going to the gym has helped me tremendously with my sleeping, at least I’m giving the credit to the gym, I actually have no idea why I’ve been sleeping better.

Here I am once again, on the couch, surfing through channels hoping to come across something that will lull me to sleep.  I’m also looking for something that won’t embed itself into my unconscious if I do happen to fall asleep.  I’m down into the ‘normal’ channels and I see nothing but infomercials and sports shows.  Not good sports either, a Big Ten football game from 1991, a classic baseball game or some ultimate fighting rerun.  Hey, guess what, we know who wins!!

The infomercials actually do lull me to sleep but then I wake up certain I have an acne problem, wanting to get rich quick on real estate or feeling like I need to order work out DVDs.  It’s the same with overnight news programs.  I think I know the news but get it mixed up because it’s buried deep so I wake up thinking there was guerrilla warfare in Canada, a plane crash in Kansas and a factory fire in Russia.  When in all actuality there were gunshots reported in Minneapolis, a train derailment in Seattle and wildfires in California.

Perhaps if I’d stop writing at this time of the morning I could sleep!!  Now there’s a thought.  Back to my attempt to sleep.

It’s 6:30 AM and last night I couldn’t even get to sleep, forget the couple of hours of sleep BEFORE being up for the night.  Well, last night I decided that I wasn’t going to look at the time, get out of bed or play Minesweeper or solitaire.  Unfortunately what was left was to let my brain run wild.  Not sure why I would do that…..well, actually I do know why, you just read how middle of the night TV works for me so I’m boycotting that.  My back is also boycotting the couch, no matter how comfortable it is, it’s still not a bed.

My mind was mostly on my vacation that’s coming up so in my mind I:

  • Packed my bag, mad I haven’t been buying new clothes, then went off on a tangent of how I spend my money.
  • Got my outfit situated for the plan ride.
  • Worried about our room – I have to call the resort today.
  • Made plans for a day in Daytona.
  • Paid my credit card bill.
  • Made a work to-do list for before I leave.
  • Counted the number of times I can go to the gym and if I starve myself for 2 weeks how much weight I can lose.
  • Wondered if we’ll be ‘that couple’ at the airport when we see each other for the first time in almost 10 weeks – no, not ‘that couple’ looking for a broom closet – get your mind out of the gutter.
  • Made a home to-do list before I leave, like turning down the heat, having someone check on the place and doing laundry so I don’t come home to a mess.
  • Got off on a tangent about housework, work presentations, New Year’s (possibly traveling to North Carolina) and people from high school (don’t ask, I have no idea).
  • Thought of people who I could ‘borrow’ pain killers from to help me sleep.  I have to be careful what kind though, some make me itch and I don’t mean a little itch.  Itching from pain killers will be a story for later.

How is it you go through these things step by step in your head and they work out so perfectly?  Then, when it comes time to actually do them, they don’t seem to go as planned?  I will get to Florida and have forgotten to pack a pair of actual pants and it will rain every day  or I will forget my ID or credit card for renting the car.  Perhaps if I’d stop obsessing about it I would sleep!!!

Funny Pictures II

Start writing a blog about funny things and people will start sharing stuff with you like nobody’s business.  Here are a few things I’ve received lately:

This was on sale on Ebay.  Do you think the extra legs come with the dance uniform?

Can’t imagine why this guy is walking alone.

Look closely, a very rare siting of three fanny packs.  Thank goodness for cameras.

And the best for last from the front window of a craft store…………

Funny Pictures

I’ve been trying to clean up my computer and ran across the following pictures I must have saved for some reason.

How much do you think the car cleaners at the rental car place liked me when I returned this bird poop ridden car?  I dare to bet not much.  My advice, don’t park under the trees in Canada, those birds are brutal.

I wonder if I should have suggested she wear pants when we went fishing with the boys?

I’m not sure what smelting is but I do know what fishing is.  Ummm, you, in the boat, pretty sure that’s a fishing boat and you boys in the hip boots, if that’s smelting, you’re in big trouble!  Funny how people just don’t obey the law anymore.

Don’t ever wear a strapless bra to an entertainment park.  This is the ride from hell at Universal Studios where my strapless bra decided to completely flip down while I was riding next to a perfect stranger.  Attempting to fix it while on the ride was pointless, plus, the guy next to me was wondering what I was doing.  He figured it out pretty quickly when I got off the ride and had to fix it, not something you can really be discreet about it.

Sleepless in Wisconsin III

Whew, we’ve got to stop meeting like this!!  I mean, it’s 1:50 AM and here I am once again on the couch, writing, wondering why I’m not having some spectacular dream (which doesn’t usually happen anyway) and cursing my crappy sleep habits.  Tonight’s non-sleeping issue is especially irritating because I didn’t get off the phone until midnight and didn’t go to sleep until about 12:30.  Yup, 12:30, just over an hour ago.  Yup, 12:30, TODAY!!  This is the craziest damn thing, all I can think of is what the hell is wrong with me….well, could be several things but we’re not going to go there.

This morning I’m thinking that I might be able to find something good on TV or at least something that will put me to sleep but I realize late-night TV is crap….and I mean crap!!

I’m settling on ESPN for once. I did miss some of the highlights as I haven’t been home a lot so this will give me a chance to catch up.

Well, it’s now 3:07 and I’ve caught up on sports, that’s for sure.  After SportsCenter it switched over to NFL Primetime which is SportsCenter on football steroids and now we’re back to SportsCenter.  I have now watched every highlight about 4 times.  Every other show is nothing but SportsCenter, you’re not fooling me.  I’m not sure how guys can watch these things over and over again because he still makes the catch, he still drops the ball,  he still steps out-of-bounds at the one yard line, she still gets fined $2000 for yelling at the ref (really?), he still hit a home run, the damn Vikings still lost and the Gophers coach still has a seizure!!!  How many times do we need to watch the highlights (or lowlights)?

It’s amazing to me how people can watch this stuff over and over and over again and act like it’s the first time they saw it.  Ohhhh, when they come back from the commercial now they’re going to tell me who the best of the best of the best was.  I can’t wait, I bet it’s something I haven’t seen yet……..or not.

I think Jerry Springer is on somewhere, perhaps I should get an ego boost quick before I try to go to bed again.  This show makes my life look like a walk in the park as my parents weren’t cousins, my boyfriend isn’t sleeping with my sister, I’m not pregnant and not sure which of 6 men is my baby’s daddy and I’m not going to lose my shirt on national TV when I get in a fight with my aunt because I’ve been sleeping with her newest husband.  Nevermind, that was enough of an ego boost for me not to have to watch it.

Hey, guess what? Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and the Vikings lost….haven’t heard that yet tonight!!

Bartending

Bartending is almost as good as going to the state fair or Wal-Mart, especially in west-end Duluth.  It’s entertainment, an ego boost and exhausting all at the same time.

Yesterday started with me screwing up the popcorn, there was a miscommunication in the way it needed to be done.  I was informed there was a ‘new’ way to do it which consisted of two glasses of oil.  Well, two glasses of oil is enough to deep fry a Cornish hen and a couple of corn dogs, but okay.  It became painfully obvious this wasn’t going to work so I was going to dump some of the oil out.  Why wouldn’t I do that in a plastic glass?  What a jackpot!  Sometimes I wonder how I get through life.  After a couple burns and a roll of paper towel I removed enough oil to get the job done.  Come to find out, there was no ‘new’ way, it was the same old way I’ve always done it.  I should have asked for clarification.

I brought two books with me today with intentions of getting them finished, well, that didn’t work out either, stayed just busy enough to be irritating.  I didn’t feel it was appropriate to tell everyone to leave so I could read, I think that would have affected my tips.

We open at 10, which means most of my patrons have had a good 3 or more hours of drinking in, considering they go to Wisconsin to start drinking at 6.  Yes, that’s 6 AM I’m talking about.  They start in Wisconsin, move to next door about 8 and then move to me at 10.

Today the motorcycle club was having a party so they were all leaving from the bar, which is good because it kept me on my toes until about 12:30.  After that a couple old guys, some regulars and two hilarious ladies kept me company until my shift ended.

The two ladies completely made my day, they were drinking PBR taps, eating pizza and writing dirty limericks.  So funny.  While I was chatting with them one of my old guys left but said he was going to be back, I look over at his glass and there was a bottle of lotion next to it.  Lotion? Really? He had been there for quite some time, no lotion prior to this.  Where did that bottle materialize from?  The three of us found it hilarious and made up a few stories as to why it was there.  Let’s just say none of the stories were good.

The other bit of good news is that I only had to cut one person off, which is odd, usually there’s a few of these.  I didn’t have a choice, he couldn’t keep his eyes open and I could no longer understand what I can only assume was English coming out of his mouth.  The speech was hindered by beer and a severe lack of teeth.

Sleepless in Wisconsin II

Here we go again, watching the overnight bad news of the weekend and wondering why I’m not snuggled up and sleeping peacefully like my company.   Nope, I’m awake, on the couch wishing once again someone had a large frying pan to knock me out with.

Tonight I won’t tell you what ridiculous things I’ve been thinking about but I will share some points of his visit.

  • Trip home through several construction zones
  • Meat raffle
  • Burgers at Anchor Bar
  • Strip club (nothing I can talk about here)
  • Headaches
  • McDonalds
  • Garage sales
  • Nap
  • Dinner with friends
  • Drinks with friends
  • A hilarious bear story (if I ever figure out how to make it half as funny as it was I will write about it)
  • Company mows my lawn (yes I felt guilty about it….for a minute)
  • A drive through construction to friends in Spooner
  • A bean bag tournament
  • A severely dislocated finger and a trip to the ER (the host of the day)
  • Stories around the fire (nothing that I can ever repeat here)
  • A drive through construction back home
  • A displaced rib  (company)
  • Nap
  • Phone calls to friends for some sort of pain killers
  • Grilling and fire at home
  • Phone calls to chiropractors for help
  • Trip to chiropractor
  • Nap
  • Trip to chiropractor
  • Phone calls to more friends for more pain killers (yes I realize this is bad but he’s in some massive pain)
  • Trip to pick up said drugs
  • Dinner and fire with friends at home (discussing events from strip club)

After making this list I see we have spent a good portion of time in construction, napping and tending to injuries.  I can’t decide if that’s a good or a bad thing.  I do know we’ve done lots of laughing and we had a great time despite an injury that’s still killing him.  I feel bad about sending him home like that.

I am now so delirious I’m contemplating stealing some pain killers from him that we ‘borrowed’ from someone else.  I better go back to bed before I pilfer through his stuff…..I think the little shit is trying to hide them from me.

Movies

The summer movie list I re-posted last week made me think of something I made notes on years ago, I finally found that list.  I love watching movies and I love taking home tidbits from those movies.  Here’s the first list:

The Goonies – Always be nice to the big ugly guy, he’ll come through for you in the end.
Uncle Buck – Act like a lunatic if you want someone to be scared of you.
Great Outdoors – Never mess with a bald bear.
The Sandlot – Never swallow snuff your first time.
A League of Their Own – Go big or go home.
Men at Work – Leave the dead guy where you found him.
The Lion King – You should always have a motto.
Tommy Boy – Don’t put on your skinny friend’s clothes.

I’ll share more later.  This is just a drop in the bucket.