Naked Encounter

Holy saggy parts Batman!

It happened and I am mortified. I finally have a roommate for the first time in almost four years. She’s been here for about three months. Things are working out spectacular….well, they were……..until very early Saturday morning.

Let me explain. We both had plans for a marvelous Friday evening, separate plans I might add. She had bowling and I was meeting a friend after work for some dinner and girl talk. Life was good. We both ended up being out pretty late, she made it home before I did so by the time I arrived, she was more than ready for bed.

We chatted for a couple of minutes, she dozed off several times, and then she finally went to bed. I went to the bathroom, dilly dallied for a bit and decided I wasn’t quite ready for bed but needed to take my contacts out and find some pajamas.

Well, I took out my contacts upstairs and realized my pajamas were in the living room downstairs because I had washed clothes the night before. I was already in my birthday suit and figured things were good, she was in bed and my pajamas weren’t far from the stairs. No worries, easy peezy, I’ve done this a hundred times.

About the time I got to the bottom of the stairs and was reaching for my pajamas my roommate came out of her room and started walking my way and talking. I said “holy shit” and screamed when she spotted me reaching to grab my pajamas. She scared the daylights out of me.

For those of you who know me, to cover up anything I have that’s naked is almost impossible. I would have needed a tarp on me for her not to see anything. Parts of me were peeking around the corner and other parts were hidden, the wrong parts were peeking. I was in the wrong spot at the wrong time. My roommate said “oh shit” and turned around to go back to her room. I was yelling an apology after her but she kept walking with her hands up in the air.

What the hell do I do now? I decided to flash my 40something girl parts to my roommate and I have no idea how I will even face her. I haven’t seen her much since the incident and I have completely ignored it thus far. I think I will go with that and hopefully she won’t bring it up. I imagine what she saw will be burned in her memory and she’s probably scarred for life, poor woman.

I learned m lesson…..no more walking around the house naked……ever.

The Book

Wow. I’m fairly certain I have never in my life had a month go by so fast. I returned from a quick trip to Reno about a month ago hell-bent on finishing my book within this millennium. Actually, I had a goal of March 31st. I sort of hit my goal. I know that sounds like I’m cheating a bit but I really did sort of hit it.

I was actually done writing it by March 31st. I wish that’s all it took is just the writing of it. Unfortunately I’m not one of those people who have editors, designers and publishers at my beck and call. What I do have, thank goodness, is awesome friends and family. One of the things I decided while I was away for a few days was that I had to stop thinking I could do everything myself and ask for help. I know, I know, elementary, but for those of us who are independent, stubborn and pig-headed this is a huge breakthrough.

I sweet talked my graphic designer into doing a cover and a few graphics for me. I call him ‘my designer’ but he’s really my ‘oh man, Peg needs something in a pinch and probably for free’ guy. I do take him to lunch once in a while though, don’t judge. Today I spent a couple of hours with him to finalize the graphics, we finished, until I got home of course and had one change. He probably wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have at least one change. I’m glad I won’t be there in the morning when he opens the email from me.

I recruited my sister and a couple of friends to be my editors. I was initially thinking I could edit the beast by myself but after the second time reading it I was ready to hang it all up because I stopped finding anything I wrote funny and I was making too many changes. I got sick of me awfully fast. These three did an awesome job and gave me great feedback not only on spelling and grammar issues but on the flow of the whole thing.

I’ve now recruited people who will buy the book when it’s finally on the market and do a review for it. I hope I don’t have to reimburse their $3.99 just to get them to say something positive, that would be embarrassing. I’ve also recruited some old friends to help with press releases, emails and some advertising pieces. It sure helps to keep connected with people, you never know when they might come in handy to you or you to them.

It’s 2:00 AM on Tuesday morning, I’m staying with my best friend as she just had neck surgery, I can’t sleep (shocking, I know) and the book is one graphic change away from being ready to be converted into an e-book. That is unless my sister comes back tomorrow with something she finds in the most recent copy I emailed to her. I have a new-found respect for authors, editors, publishers, designers and good friends of mine. I loved every minute of it but holy crap is it a lot of work. I’m nervous, excited and scared to death.

I’m laying it on the line and I’ll see what happens. That makes me throw up a bit, I better try to stop thinking about it.

Botched Photo Opps II

Since my last episode of not having a camera handy you would think I would keep it close at all times. That didn’t happen though. There are more photo opportunities missed, not only by me but by others as well.

One of my coworkers pinged me and was laughing at a missed photo opportunity. She wasn’t sure I would have posted it anyway but the fact that two geese in the pond at her apartment building were having relations was enough to put her in a tizzy. Pretty sure no more explanation on my part is necessary.

Smart Car with flames. Driving down the road I spotted a black Smart Car. I think those are funny in the first place but this one in particular was really funny. It had bright orange and yellow flames on it. I’m sure that car would never go fast enough to create flames of any sort but if that makes the owner feel like they have a sports car, more power to him.

I was at the post office one day and a rust colored PT Cruiser pulled in. The driver got out wearing pants and a sweater that matched her car exactly. She was very camouflaged when she was standing next to it. Needless to say, I couldn’t even get my phone out fast enough for a picture.

Shooting pool the other team had some problems with their pants. One middle-aged woman was wearing a pink lace thong that stuck out above the back of her pants. One other player seemed to be missing underwear all together as she showed crack every single time she bent over, not just a little crack either, it was quite long.

A person who frequents the bar has such bad hair it’s almost impossible to even explain. This week it looked like a small rodent had made it’s home in the hair that’s left on the back of her head. I believe she intended to have one of those inverted cuts that’s shorter in back and longer in front…..whoever cut it didn’t know it’s supposed to be a gradual thing, they also didn’t know you should use an actual pair of scissors and not a dull butter knife. This week she also added a couple of bobby pins in the front and one curl on one side of her face. Not a clue what she was going for there. I believe she’s also letting her natural color grow back so about three inches down there’s a very definitive line between the two colors.

While in Reno we were waiting for the check-in desk and noticed a very tall, very large man in front of us. Not only was he wearing a pair of bottoms that could have either been a long pair of shorts or a short pair of pants but when he turned around his slightly short t-shirt said ‘Big Daddy’. All would have been fine had his shirt not said that. We did manage to control ourselves until we were outside and out of earshot.

Also while in Reno we were returning to the hotel after an outing and a lady of the night was on her phone outside a cab. Her outfit was beyond words and she was clearly agitated while asking the cab driver if he took anything besides cash. Of course he was only taking cash, I think he knew what she meant by ‘any other form of payment’. She was telling whoever she was talking to that she wasn’t paid in cash so she didn’t have any. I’m not sure if her night was that slow, she was lying to her pimp or she was paid in chocolate chip cookies. Very hard to say.

I will continue to watch for more opportunities and hopefully one of these days I will actually start getting some photos.

Crab Legs

Tonight I went with friends to a seafood buffet. The big item…..crab legs. Oh, they were sooooo good!! I’m still stuffed to the gills and it was hours ago.

There were four of us at the table and as I was watching what was happening and how I must have looked diving into those crab legs I thought what a spectacle we all were. There was food flying, legs cracking and butter dripping. It was marvelous as an eater but I bet as an observer it resembled a bunch of lions devouring an antelope. Grunts and groans, ohhs and ahhs and food EVERYWHERE.

It’s so funny to watch the elation on the faces of people when they crack the leg just perfect and get that sliver of meat out. It’s then held up like a trophy for the whole table to see. “Ohhhh look at this one!” Then everyone else says “Nice!” It’s the only food I can think of that we do this with. It’s also the only food I can think of that we work our ass off for a piece of meat the size of a toothpick and we’re happy as hell about it.

I feel like someone who doesn’t know how to use silverware when I eat crab legs. I crack them with my hands, dig the meat out with my fingers and sometimes even eat the big pieces with my hands. I realized I’m not civilized at all! I also realized crab legs is not an item you want to have on the first few dates, you have to know someone pretty well to eat like that in front of them.

When I pushed my first plate away, yes I said the first plate, I noticed there was more food on the table then should have been possible. Then I looked down at my shirt and I had a shelf full of some white sauce from the scallops, a drop of tarter sauce, a chunk of pasta and enough crab meat to fill a claw. What the?? Did I not get anything in my mouth? Was I shoveling so fast that I wasn’t even breathing? How embarrassing. I tried to be discreet (yeah right) and pick it all off before going back to the trough for a second plate.

As I was filling my second plate I was lecturing myself in my head to slow down while eating. I was a little bummed I lost so much crab meat the first time, it’s a lot of work to get a little bit of meat, it needs to be savored and rationed. The second plate was as good as the first and I had to ask for wet wipes. I’m not sure I’d want to be a waitress on a night like that, the cleanup is insane.

I had a hard time getting out of the booth but was more than satisfied, as were my counterparts. When we got in the car to go home it was riding a little lower but we all had smiles on our faces. It will be quite awhile before I go back to that buffet but when I do I’m going to bring a bib or wear something that wipes off easy.

Writer’s Cramp

Well hello there. I know, it’s been too long. My apologies for that. There are a few things that have hindered my ability to post these days.

I went on a short vacation to meet Idaho. We had a blast, I took lots of notes and plan to write a story or two about our endeavours. You won’t be disappointed, we had tons of laughs and a medical issue on this trip, I knew the healthy streak wouldn’t last long.

Picking up bartending shifts and the two-hour time difference from Nevada has my nights and days screwed up and of course the tiny sleep schedule I do have is completely out the window. I don’t think I sleep at all now and I’ve pretty much stopped eating too. Run for cover, hide the children, call 911! There has never been a time in my life that I don’t eat. As my sister and I say, ‘feed a fever, feed a cold, feed everything’. I’m not holding my breath on actually losing any weight though, I couldn’t get that lucky.

Without an actual full-time day job, the developer of my phone app at a new job which keeps him too busy to do his side work (what’s that all about?) and some newfound determination to discover a dream job, I decided to dive headlong into putting a book together. Not a small project to embark on. I’m making wonderful progress though. I’m pulling particular stories from the blog and also adding new stories that won’t be found here. Sorry, I’ve been cheating on you and writing for my book. It’s just writing, it doesn’t mean anything, don’t be like that. I’m sorry baby. Oh wait…..I think I went off on a tangent there. ….awkward.

I’ve actually been writing quite a bit so I believe the writer’s cramp I’m feeling in my hands is legitimate, bartending is a vacation compared to putting a book together. I never thought I’d say bartending was a vacation.

See you soon!

The First Time

Stop. Not THAT first time, I just threw up in my mouth thinking about having to share that story so that won’t be happening. Ewww.

I leave for Reno in less than three days and I will be going without a computer. I know, therapy is scheduled and TSA has been alerted. Even prior to the days I had my own laptop I traveled with a work laptop. I think there’s only been a time or two I braved airport security and didn’t have to grab an extra bin for my computer in the last ten years.

There are three reasons for me embarking on this new territory:

One, our plan is to be on the bike for a good portion of the trip. This is new for us and I’m super excited to see what sort of adventures it brings. I’m at odds about exactly what attire to pack, should I go with ‘full fledged biker chick’ or ‘first time biker chick’? I’m going to shoot for somewhere in between, I don’t have chaps, I won’t be wearing a bikini top with jeans (ever) and I can’t wear my hair in a long braid with my bandana yet. I know, I know, I’m stereotyping but that’s where I will probably be eventually so I figure I can go there.

Two, a month or so ago my computer started making a sound similar to a loud snowmobile. In order to work on it while watching TV I had to turn up the volume to 47 so I could hear it over the newly added noise. My new roommate has a very nice laptop and was kind enough to say “why don’t you use my computer, that one sounds like it’s going to burst into flames”. I have been very thankful for the offer.

I’ve had my computer since about the turn of the century and as you can understand I have LOTS of stuff saved on it so not to use it is a bit odd. I was working on it last week and it just quit on me, I mean the screen went black and it shut off completely. I hate to admit it but I haven’t had enough guts to attempt to even turn it on since then so I will not be taking it on another trip. Maybe when I get home I will talk nice to it, pray to the computer gods and push the power button.

Three, I DON’T HAVE TO! It hit me that this is the first time I will be traveling where I don’t have to check work emails, be available by cell phone for work or wonder what’s happening with my clients while I’m gone from work. Holy crap, I don’t have a job!! I mean, it’s been very obvious I don’t have a job, but wow is life changing.

Although a portion of my Thanksgiving trip to Idaho was without a job, I still had my computer and still had to tie up loose ends while I was gone. All in all, I can’t wait!!! I can’t wait to see what going away is like without having to bring a computer, check work emails, check-in to make sure everything is okay or take client calls. I’m excited and nervous for my first time.

As I was packing today a weird feeling came over me when I realized I could take an actual carry on with me that wasn’t my computer bag. What do I put in it? How big of a bag should I take? Should I only take a carry on and no actual luggage? Which bag do I use? About that time, I started getting sweaty palms and panicking so I put down all the bags and walked away. I guess this is all a work in progress.

I’m sure I’ll have stories about my first time when I return and I will be more than ready to share them with you. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that I don’t freeze up at airport security because I don’t know how to go through without a computer and not make it on my trip.

Second Wind

Recently I’ve been noticing I get a second wind quite often. Well, I say that and then think to myself “Really? Were they second winds or were they first winds?” I mean, I made it through most days accomplishing some tasks like bartending, grocery shopping, post office, library and bank, you know, every day items. But did I accomplish enough? Obviously not, because there were tasks left over, there always is. So something happens right about bedtime, or even after I have been in bed, the notion to a get project done hits me and I have to do it ‘right now’. Well, that’s dumb, and I mean dumb.

While I was putting plastic on my living room window at 1:00 o’clock on a Thursday morning I realized how silly that was. I had been in bed for two hours tossing and turning and decided I needed to be productive. Had I been as productive as I should have been during the day on Wednesday (or any other day in the last week for that matter) I wouldn’t have had that plastic still sitting on my kitchen table. God knows it wasn’t going to hang itself, I couldn’t find the ‘self hanging’ kind, they must have been all out.

I live in a duplex so my second winds have to be within reason. There are some things I would have liked to do but figured I best not, like putting hangers up on the wall in the basement, or laundry, or vacuuming the floors. I wish I could say getting on the elliptical but unfortunately exercise has not been one of the things I HAVE to get done in the middle of the night. Nope, it’s been things like baking cookies (for those of you who know me this is not a lie but they were not from scratch), doing dishes, putting clothes away, getting my tax stuff together (really?), paying bills and mopping floors. Each time I catch myself doing those things I think of how dumb it is that I’m accomplishing them in the middle of the night.

As I finish this post at 4:00 AM typing away on my slowly dying computer that sounds like a Model T I thank my lucky stars that Best Buy isn’t open or my fourth wind of the night would be driving to get a new computer. My second wind consisted of finishing a book and cleaning the toilet and my third wind was writing this. I wonder if I should seek professional help or perhaps just be sure my first winds are much more productive? God knows I don’t have the time or energy for these late night rendezvous with undone tasks.

Tomorrow (well tonight I guess) I hope to go to bed and not be compelled to get up and do crap I should be accomplishing during the day. That’s probably like asking the neighbors to pick up their dog poop but a girl can hope.

Blue Jeans

I’m not sure about you but blue jeans are a pain in my rear (intended). I would imagine we all have trouble finding jeans that fit comfortably and look good. Tall, short, fat, skinny, I think it’s tough to find that REALLY great feeling pair of jeans. In my experience when you do find them you have to take out a mortgage to actually purchase a pair. Most jeans I’ve even slightly liked lately are $100, well, for $100 they should be massaging my backside, doing my dishes and should make me look about 50 pounds lighter. They should also not cause a muffin top (mine is more like the whole pan of muffins) or make my underwear ride up into the unknown. I am usually at a loss and just have to buy something that fits and looks half decent.

I’ve mentioned excessive butt crack in several previous posts. It happened again at pool this week, one player showed the crack itself and one player showed the pink lace thong she was wearing. Not sure which was worse. Perhaps the maker of blue jeans will find a happy medium between the top of the crack and the belly button as I do understand not wanting to wear jeans like we did in the 80s that you could almost wear as a bra too.

One other thing I’m confused about is the extra little pocket in the front of jeans.

Seriously, there’s even a button on this super secret pocket and it maybe holds two dimes and a nickle. With not a payphone in sight, I’m not sure it’s a bonus to have this. I try to keep as little as possible in my pockets anyway, well, actually there’s really no room left in my jeans to put anything in my pockets, so what am I going to do with that one? Perhaps it’s for looks, which doesn’t pertain to me either because I haven’t been able to tuck a shirt into a pair of jeans since sometime in the 1994. Which means there is no one that’s seeing that pocket anyway……and if they are…..I’m fairly certain they don’t care about that pocket.

Then there’s those pants with worthless pockets all around. Why even bother with the pocket. In the picture above the super secret pocket is damn near as big as the actual pocket so none of them fit anything remotely useful in them. My cell phone is too big for the regular pocket so that idea went to the wayside pretty suddenly. I feel as though this pair would have been better off with fake pockets sewn in, they would have been just as useful.

Happy jean shopping. I hope you have better luck than I do.

Daily Prompt – Change

Today’s daily prompt is: “What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?”

It’s probably self explanatory by the name of my blog but the changes I’d like my blog to make on the world are small changes within people that could make big changes on the world.

Don’t take life so seriously, find the things that make you smile, giggle or die laughing and surround yourself with them. This could be a funny friend, a trip to Wal-Mart (you know, you’ve all seen funny there), a giggling child or situation that makes you smile.
Create funny yourself, we’re all funny in our own way, find yours, it’s there, you just have to look for it. Sometimes your funny is just to laugh at others. For the love of God, don’t force it if you’re not actually that funny, there’s nothing worse than awkward moments when you hope to be funny and no one else thinks so. I’ve been there, I know.
Don’t take yourself so seriously, when you learn to laugh at yourself you’ll find others funny. I took a good fall the other day on the sidewalk in front of three friends. The toe of my hooker boot caught a rock and my top half got moving WAY faster than my bottom half. It didn’t take me long to be laying on the sidewalk, face down. All I could do was yell “MAN DOWN” and laugh hysterically.
Look for laugh lines and smiles that reach someone’s eyes. Those people are great to be around, their laugh makes you laugh harder.

By surrounding yourself with funny, you’re adding years to your life and hopefully someone else’s life too. A good attitude, a great laugh, a funny joke or comment can make someone’s day, in turn they will spread the wealth, guaranteed.

Can you imagine a world where everyone smiled and laughed, even a few more times a day? Our jobs would be better, our shopping trips would be better, our relationships would be better. Try it, you’ll like it. Life without humor is just life, life with humor is living.

Same Name

Ever wonder who else has your name out there? I bet some of you even know a person with your same name. I’m curious now and then so I Googled myself today. I know, I know, if we would have said that 20 years ago our parents would have scolded us.

I was pleasantly surprised that the first three entries were my LinkedIn page, Following Funny’s Twitter and Pinterest. Then it’s no longer me but my name is on a page with Chuck, in Mount Prospect, Illinois, I’m also on MyLife in Madrid, oh how exciting, someone with my name is in Madrid! At closer inspection, it’s Madrid, IA, not quite as exciting.

On the first page there is also all the “find the address, phone number and criminal record” results that come with all name searches. I’m okay not searching for my criminal record, I know all too well what it is…..I mean, I’m sure I don’t have a criminal record.

As I go through the pages of results I find out I am in Pleasantville, PA and London, Ontario, I was slightly excited here again with the whole London thing but no such luck, it’s Canada, eh. I found that my Twitter account has a value of $31.74 which I have no idea what that means but I’ll take a check for that and I’ve recently been on an Alzheimer’s walk, wonder how much money I raised?

A majority of the first 5 pages are not me which is a bit of a relief since most of it’s crap anyway. Following Funny’s Facebook page didn’t come up so I might want to do something about that.

To take my curiosity further I clicked on the “images” search in Google and found some gems. Of course, I picked out the ones I thought were the funniest to share with you.

I do hope I wear this outfit one day!

Not my dog, but it’s cute. I hope its name isn’t Peggy, that’s not a very good name for a dog.

This is for sure not me as the troops would not want me to wear my pajamas for them. Nice legs though.

No clue what is happening here.

This is not me, nor a relative of mine that I’m aware of but I do love how this picture was tweaked in Photoshop for some reason or another. Maybe the picture is from a police line-up photo and the height lines were removed. Wonder what her crime was?

This one disturbs me. There’s the unibrow, the closed eyes and the possibility his nipples have been removed.

Okay, I’m quitting before I have bad dreams. It was fun while it lasted. I encourage you to Google yourself, it gave me a good laugh.