The Gym Revisited

I finally made it back to the gym! It was brutal. The weights laughed at me when I walked by, the elliptical cried when I got on and the scale threw up when I stepped on it.
I have no idea why I think I can take a month off, jump on the elliptical, go great guns and do it for the same length of time and speed I was doing it when I quit. Shit just doesn’t work that way.

By the time 20 minutes ticked off the clock it seemed like an hour and I was sweating like a whore workin’ two beds. My legs hurt, my butt hurt and my shoulder hurt. “Your shoulder?” you may ask, yes, even my shoulder got in on the action, it was time to get off before someone had to call 911. I was not wearing a proper outfit to be greeted by potentially hot EMTs.

I will ice my body, take pain pills, brave the elements and return tomorrow for more punishment. I will survive……hopefully.

I will let you know how it goes.

A Break From the Gym

Ok, I confess, vacation did me in. I am now out of the habit of going to the gym. But, I’m getting back on track next week. No. Really, I am! I have to. And I have to because I see the signs:

The button on my suit jacket was screaming at me today. The poor little thing was completely struggling, especially when I was sitting down.
I have to actually unbutton my pants to take them off and put them on. They were big enough I didn’t have to do that before.
I look more pregnant than my pregnant friend. How embarrassing is that?
Going for a walk on break feels like I’ve run the half marathon (and in my mind I have).
My skinny jeans (I use this term VERY loosely) don’t get past my cheeks anymore. And by skinny I mean the skinniest ones in my closet, they’re still made by the tent and awning company but they’re the smallest I have.
My socks leave an indention in my ankles, more water, more water, more water, more exercise, more exercise, more exercise.
On Sunday my Vikings t-shirt looked like I had borrowed it from the 12-year old neighbor girl.

It’s time to suck it up, get back to the gym, shower with the old gals, be squeamish about the lack of grooming and sweat like a fat kid at a candy store with a quarter!

I “Jogged” Today

Holy snapping ankles Batman!

Today I went to the gym at lunch – wrong thing to do. Note to self: there is not enough time to get there, change, stretch, have a decent workout, shower and get back to work in an hour.

I decided that I needed to get as much cardio in within my time limit as I could so I decided today I would go on the indoor track and walk a lap, then jog a lap. Well, we all know how I feel about jogging but today I felt I had to do it. The amount of calories I would have burned on the elliptical wouldn’t have amounted to a hill of beans.

I just watched Biggest Loser on Tuesday, I can do this. If a 372 lb guy can jog at a 9 on the treadmill for 20 seconds I should be able to jog a lap here and there on an indoor track. I walked the first few laps, attempting to gear up to a ‘jog’. There were a few older people walking pretty slow and one fairly fast walker. Here’s how it went:

Walked 5 or 6 laps (short track)
Jogged a lap (felt pretty good)
Walked a lap (get lapped by fast walker)
Jogged a lap (don’t catch the fast walker, felt okay)
Walked a lap (losing lots of ground on fast walker)
Jogged a lap (pass the slow walkers, almost catch the fast walker)
Walked a lap (breathing hard now, head starting to pound)
Jogged a lap (ankle wants to snap, I keep trucking and pass the fast walker, after he’s lapped me again)
Walked a lap (sweating profusely now)
Jogged a lap (decide I do not have the correct ‘equipment’ on for this, wonder where I need to shop for a good one)
Walked a lap (short breaths, chest hurts, slowed way down)
Jogged a lap (holy sweet mother of Mary how do people do this)
Walked a lap (it was more like dragged a leg for a lap as I was lapped by one of the slow people with a limp)
Sat on the rubber ball for a few minutes watching the fast walker do his thing and not break a sweat. Look down and my shirt is soaked, I have sweat running in my eyes and my ankles are screaming at me. But, I am still upright after what amounted to a third of a mile jogging.
Head to the locker room, victorious.

Another’s Gym Story

I love it when people share funny stories with me, especially about themselves. As you well know by now, I think it’s so healthy to be able to laugh at yourself. I received the following story via email today:

If you need to know anything about me, it’s that I’m long winded…. (which is obvious from the below BOOK) maybe if you play your cards right this situation can happen to you too! In retrospect, it was quite thrilling, my average hump day morning doesn’t generally start out with quite a bang!

So I got up at the a$$crack of dawn, went to the gym, got there surprisingly early and was able to actually drop my bag off in the locker room as opposed to dragging it to the spinning room. First. Time. Ever. so proud. (this should’ve been my first indication to turn around and go back home)

As I approached the locker room I noticed a sign hanging near the door but didn’t thoroughly read it. I got a locker, shoved my stuff in and headed to class. After class I headed back to the locker room half dead, I once again didn’t thoroughly read the lengthy sign hanging on the door, but this time did notice that it said ‘closed’ and ‘Friday’ was highlighted, I thought to myself ‘whatever, it’s Wednesday’. Coincidentally, I additionally noticed the locker room door was propped open, that seemed a bit weird but I still didn’t pay too much attention.

I got to my locker, felt lucky that I was the only one in the usually busy locker room, and as a result was pretty stoked that I should easily get the best shower in the joint! (bonus!) I undressed, wrapped myself in the tiny excuse of a towel (slightly bigger than a hand towel), did a little putzing in my bag looking for my shampoo…when suddenly I hear this SUPER loud noise, like something being dragged across the floor…then in the mirrors I noticed that the something being dragged across the floor was actually a giant workbench being pushed by 4 MALE workers!!! DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, more like HALF NAKED DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had nowhere to go because I was stuck in a U-shaped bank of lockers, a complete dead end! As I’m having a heart attack trying to calmly plan an escape route in my head, they finish pushing the damn workbench. Conveniently they stopped right in front of my row of lockers, they still hadn’t noticed me since I was basically stuffed half way in my locker, stealthily watching the fully clothed men in the mirrors. At this point I’m in a complete panic wondering how the F I’m going to get out of this pickle. I threw in my chips and finally peeked my head around the locker door and politely said “I’m going to get dressed and get out of your way” they all were VERY surprised to say the least and quickly (but not quick enough) moved to the back of the locker room away from my locker. I abruptly grab all my crap and bolt for one of the changing stalls down the way from my locker only to be met by yet another flippin fully clothed man, he stopped to let me cross his path, such a gentleman, and I muttered the same line to him as he snickered on by.

Yep, that’s how I started my day. Needless to say I threw my clothes back on and went to the other locker room, which was full of much smarter women who obviously read signs and don’t undress in locker rooms that have doors open. Ahhhh.

The only consolation is that because I merrily took my time putzing in my bag searching for shampoo, I didn’t actually make it into the shower before the clothed men arrived. That would’ve been a bit more horrifying, if that’s even possible.

I completely appreciate stories like that as I know I am not alone. The other funny part is she mentioned to me the name of the company these fully clothed men were working for and I know guys who work there!! I can’t wait to hear their side of the story.

Gym Orientation

I did not think that I would write about the gym so much! I now realize the gym is a breeding ground for funny in so many ways.

Last week I had weight orientation with a wonderful trainer. Weight orientation is where they show you the machines, ask what your trouble spots are (like they can’t see) and get you started on a good weight routine. We also laughed a lot, not sure that’s the normal routine but it worked for me.

Well, first of all, I really just thought she was going to show us the machines and explain them… oh no, we had to try them out, etc. I was a little late getting there so I had my work clothes on and left my work-out clothes in the car.

How nice to be trying out the machines in dress shoes, jeans and a white sweater (of course with a stain from lunch on it). People were looking at me like I was crazy. About half-way through the orientation one of my underwires decided to attempt to escape and was poking me in a not so great place. When those things happen there’s no lady-like way to fix it other than grabbing, pulling, shifting and maneuvering. So tough being a woman sometimes.

As we were finishing up I did see a fellow with jeans and a Larry The Cable Guy flannel on using work gloves as weight lifting gloves so I didn’t feel so bad. The gloves even looked like they might have had a little residue left on them from the farming he’d done earlier.

Gotta love us rednecks going to the gym. Maybe I’ll pick up a pair of those gloves this week for my weight work-outs.

At The Gym II

Uff da. Today was day 5 at the gym and I’ve witnessed more than I thought I ever would in a mere 5 days. Some of these things are funny, some are disturbing and some are cute. As days go on I’m sure there will be more but here are some quick observations.

There is a group of men that hang out on the bench outside of the locker room each morning. I arrive about 6:10 AM and it seems they’re already into some very intense conversations. The gym opens at 5:30 AM so I’m not sure if they’ve worked out already, are waiting for the machines (which is a no), are watching the women or they’re just there for coffee. I wonder how long my insurance company would reimburse me each month if I just started to check in to have a coffee clutch with the old guys. It’s interesting, the women don’t do that.

What the women do do, is walk around and weigh themselves naked. I know I mentioned this already but the more I’m there the more I realize that I see more naked women in the mornings than I have ever cared to. I don’t even like looking at myself naked let alone anyone else. If they’re not naked, there are parts of some sort hanging out. I’ve come to the conclusion, naked isn’t all that good looking, sexy, handsome, whatever you want to say. I was talking to the man about this and he put it a good way, he said, “no one really looks that great naked, but when you’re with the one you care about, naked becomes about something different, you are looking at that person in a different way, not just as an object”. That was a great answer, a nice way to say, “honey you look really bad naked”, but a great answer nonetheless. No matter what age we are, parts aren’t always where they’re supposed to be, naked isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I’ve realized some people are disgusting. This morning I watched a woman move from machine to machine in her well-planned work-out. I saw her on a total of 6 machines, great, awesome, good job……however, she didn’t wipe any of the machines off!!! She was sweating worse than me on the elliptical (and that’s a lot) so she was dripping everywhere. Honestly sister, have some consideration for the poor soul going on it after you. My saga with her does not end there sadly enough, when she came into the locker room, she put her clothes (sports bra and shorts) into the bathing suit dryer! Really? Your sweaty, stinky, probably non-washed clothes in the same place I dry my swimsuit? Honestly, gross.

Now to end my ramblings on a better note, for the last two mornings an elderly couple (and I mean elderly) has been there. She rides a bicycle in sweats, a shirt, a zip up sweatshirt and a jacket and he is standing next to her coaching and encouraging her. Now mind you, she’s not breaking any land speed records but she’s moving and he’s being supportive. So very sweet.