Nursemaid

This week has produced a new routine in our house. Jim has to wear thigh high compression socks everyday. I have been elected nursemaid by default because there were no other candidates, I have no problem holding an emergency election if anyone else is interested. In all seriousness, he is in quite a bit of pain so he has trouble doing it himself.
There was a reason I didn’t become a nurse.  The reasons have become painfully obvious these last few days.  If you’ve ever tried to put compression socks on someone else it’s like putting a boot on a toddler’s foot who does not want to have boots on. So our day starts out with me tugging and pulling, pushing and prodding, attempting to get these stockings on an almost 6’3″ man.
I need to mention at this moment that he takes great pleasure in watching me struggle.  He’s NOT a morning person but apparently this has become his morning entertainment  because it only takes him about 1/4 of a leg to start smiling and making fun of me.  This morning he was flexing his muscles at me suggesting that this is some sort of a good for me workout.  When I start beating him with a pillow he won’t think it’s so funny.
Here’s how this works:
1.  Bunch up the stocking to a small size to get it all over his toes at once.
2.  Pull it half way up his foot.
3.  Realize the stocking is inside out, pull it off and repeat steps 1 and 2.
4.  At halfway over the foot, adjust toe hole to be below the toes, two toes should not be sticking out of the hole with the rest inside the stocking.
5.  Wait for him to get done squirming because the stocking got stuck between two toes.
6.  Readjust grip and pull over heel.
7.  Take bits of stocking that was left on front half of foot and work them over the heel.
8.  Bunch up again to attempt a good grip.
9.  Start pulling and pull leg hairs, wait for “ouch” or girlish scream.
10.  Apologize and wipe sweat from your brow.
11. Turn around and put his foot between your legs to attempt to get a better run at the calf.  Stick tongue out at him because he can’t see your face.
12.  Pull up and over the calf.  Do not fall backwards, the landing spot that your butt finds is rather sensitive.
13.  Get stocking to knee.  Remove leg from between your legs and wipe your brow again.  Remove any of your unnecessary clothing as you’re definitely pulling a Richard Simmons and  Sweatin’ to the Oldies.
14.  At this point he should be able to pull them up the rest of the way.  Do not mention that it’s on the wrong leg, the thigh pad is fine on the inside of the thigh.  Jim now thinks that’s to stop his thighs from rubbing together. I’m pretty sure his thighs haven’t rubbed together since before he could walk but I will go with it.
15.  Stifle your laughter at the sight that is him (with or without underwear on) wearing one white thigh high tight.  Please do not mention anything about his resemblance to an out of work stripper.
16.  Wipe brow and move over to wrangle leg #2.  Repeat steps 1 – 15.
17.  When you get done with second leg be sure to stand back, admire your work and threaten to take a picture of him like that if he continues to laugh at you.  That works really well on the days you have to help put his underwear on too!!
I have no idea how long this routine is going to last but I’m really hoping the next ultrasound shows some progress.  Perhaps when I get on the scale it will show progress on my part and there is some benefit to this new routine.
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