Sleepless in Wisconsin IX

Oh boy, I really thought you had heard the last of my sleep-deprived ramblings but I was so very wrong. You’re a little lucky, I waited 3 nights before I started writing about it again.

I guess I haven’t checked in with you after my sleep clinic…..I got my results back which said I didn’t have sleep apnea, thank you captain obvious, but they did let me know that I wake up almost 20 times an hour due to sudden movements. Whatever that means. To them it meant they prescribed me Trazodone, yup, a depression med that doubles as a sleep aid. I’ve been taking that since I returned from Idaho, almost three weeks and I’ve been sleeping much better.

Some nights I’m super tired or I bartend late so I don’t take it and still sleep pretty well. Now, when I say I’ve been sleeping well, I mean I get a good five hours of sleep, that makes me happy as a pig in poop. I go in for a follow-up next week so I’m going to request they prescribe that by the truckload, we’ll worry about the side effects later or addictions late. I think the list of side affects is the same for this as every other med out there, they just keep adding things to the list.

I did find out from my prescription drug guru, I’d tell you who that is but I’d have to kill you, that once you take this you have about an hour or so window to hit the sheets in order for it to work well. If you happen to blow through that hour and get to the other side, it can have the opposite effect and keep you up for quite some time. That seems to be where I am today, and where I was last night. Idaho called a little late both nights so sleep has eluded me once again.

Tonight I got up and moved to the living room, obviously not looking for something good on TV because we already know how that goes. I also decided I needed to have some nachos while I watch and write, why not make it a full-blown party while I watch people working out on infomercials. Not sure how it is that I can stuff my face at 2:30 AM other than the fact I went to the dentist and didn’t really eat anything after the invasion of my molar. I should be out walking every chance I get after what happened to me on Friday night.

Do you have that pair of jeans that’s so comfortable you just can’t get rid of them? They’re several years old, on their third button, the bottoms are frayed and they’re so light blue they’re almost see-through? That’s exactly what was going on with the pants I wore on Friday night. I was sure I was going to get one more good wear out of them. I did feel that the button may not make it through the night as the two threads holding it on were strained pretty good. No button I can live with. No butt or leg I cannot live with.

The pants made it through the bbq at my house and three bars, truly being troopers. I was headed back to one of the previous bars to pick up someone we left behind and got into the car and felt the left butt cheek area give way. I looked over at the guy sitting in the passenger seat and said “nothing good is going to come out of this”. He looked at me as though I was crazy and then I said “I just ripped my pants”. He laughed and said “oh I’m sure it’s not that bad”. Wow was he wrong.

I got out of the car and pulled my t-shirt down over my butt, hoping to cover the damage. He laughed hysterically when I showed him what was happening and then said, “it will be fine, we’ll be in and out and no one will notice”. Well, he was partially right, at that place no one noticed. As I got in and out of the car again I could feel the rip creeping its way down my leg. Hindsight tells me I should have dropped him off and headed home to change my pants.

We got back to the rest of the group and all hell broke loose from there. There was no covering the damage, not only was I freaking out but with every movement they ripped a little more. Apparently once they were done, they were done. At one point one of my friends decided to be a complete jackpot and grab my pocket and pull. Needless to say that’s all that was needed to rip the pants down my entire left leg and through the bottom, leaving me with a right pants leg and my right butt cheek covered and nothing else. The worst part of this story……..I wasn’t wearing underwear.

After some futile attempts to cover my bare ass, I turned to leave the bar with as much dignity as I could muster, which wasn’t much, and walked out the back door. I got in the car to wait for everyone else to join me. I then had to get out at my house with everyone still in the car laughing to go in and change.

I’m pretty sure when he grabbed my pocket he got more than he bargained for, no one deserved to see that…..well, maybe he did. I’m sure the sight of my cottage cheese thighs and butt cheek are forever burned into his brain, that’s what he gets. Lesson learned for me, don’t wear the pants out of the house that you think have ‘one more wear’ in them.

Oh boy, enough embarrassment for this evening and I think I finally yawned. It’s 3:00 AM and I better try to get a few hours in before I get up for work.

Another’s Gym Story

I love it when people share funny stories with me, especially about themselves. As you well know by now, I think it’s so healthy to be able to laugh at yourself. I received the following story via email today:

If you need to know anything about me, it’s that I’m long winded…. (which is obvious from the below BOOK) maybe if you play your cards right this situation can happen to you too! In retrospect, it was quite thrilling, my average hump day morning doesn’t generally start out with quite a bang!

So I got up at the a$$crack of dawn, went to the gym, got there surprisingly early and was able to actually drop my bag off in the locker room as opposed to dragging it to the spinning room. First. Time. Ever. so proud. (this should’ve been my first indication to turn around and go back home)

As I approached the locker room I noticed a sign hanging near the door but didn’t thoroughly read it. I got a locker, shoved my stuff in and headed to class. After class I headed back to the locker room half dead, I once again didn’t thoroughly read the lengthy sign hanging on the door, but this time did notice that it said ‘closed’ and ‘Friday’ was highlighted, I thought to myself ‘whatever, it’s Wednesday’. Coincidentally, I additionally noticed the locker room door was propped open, that seemed a bit weird but I still didn’t pay too much attention.

I got to my locker, felt lucky that I was the only one in the usually busy locker room, and as a result was pretty stoked that I should easily get the best shower in the joint! (bonus!) I undressed, wrapped myself in the tiny excuse of a towel (slightly bigger than a hand towel), did a little putzing in my bag looking for my shampoo…when suddenly I hear this SUPER loud noise, like something being dragged across the floor…then in the mirrors I noticed that the something being dragged across the floor was actually a giant workbench being pushed by 4 MALE workers!!! DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, more like HALF NAKED DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had nowhere to go because I was stuck in a U-shaped bank of lockers, a complete dead end! As I’m having a heart attack trying to calmly plan an escape route in my head, they finish pushing the damn workbench. Conveniently they stopped right in front of my row of lockers, they still hadn’t noticed me since I was basically stuffed half way in my locker, stealthily watching the fully clothed men in the mirrors. At this point I’m in a complete panic wondering how the F I’m going to get out of this pickle. I threw in my chips and finally peeked my head around the locker door and politely said “I’m going to get dressed and get out of your way” they all were VERY surprised to say the least and quickly (but not quick enough) moved to the back of the locker room away from my locker. I abruptly grab all my crap and bolt for one of the changing stalls down the way from my locker only to be met by yet another flippin fully clothed man, he stopped to let me cross his path, such a gentleman, and I muttered the same line to him as he snickered on by.

Yep, that’s how I started my day. Needless to say I threw my clothes back on and went to the other locker room, which was full of much smarter women who obviously read signs and don’t undress in locker rooms that have doors open. Ahhhh.

The only consolation is that because I merrily took my time putzing in my bag searching for shampoo, I didn’t actually make it into the shower before the clothed men arrived. That would’ve been a bit more horrifying, if that’s even possible.

I completely appreciate stories like that as I know I am not alone. The other funny part is she mentioned to me the name of the company these fully clothed men were working for and I know guys who work there!! I can’t wait to hear their side of the story.

Funny Blog Search

This blogging thing is interesting. There’s so much I have yet to learn not only about writing but about blogging itself.

I was looking at my site stats today and noticed there is an area called Search Terms. Obviously this is what someone searched for when they found my page. I read through that list tonight and pretty much wet my pants. Giggled for a good 20 minutes before I could even share the one that REALLY caught my eye.

The search term: naked mud riding parties.

Now, I’m no prude but I have no idea what the hell that is. I know what mud wrestling is but the word riding brings a whole new element. Do you bring your own saddle? Enough of that, I better not speculate on what it might be or why someone was searching for it, I’ve also resisted any temptation to search for that myself because I really don’t want to know, not tonight anyway. It might be disturbing and I’m here by myself.

I wonder how disappointed that person was when they clicked on my blog? Is that one of those “damn search engines never give me what I want moments”? Perhaps my blog ruined a ‘special moment’ they were trying to have, sorry buddy.

I’m certainly going to watch the search terms closer now, maybe there’s an untapped market of readership out there I have no idea about!!

Sleepless in Wisconsin III

Whew, we’ve got to stop meeting like this!! I mean, it’s 1:50 AM and here I am once again on the couch, writing, wondering why I’m not having some spectacular dream (which doesn’t usually happen anyway) and cursing my crappy sleep habits. Tonight’s non-sleeping issue is especially irritating because I didn’t get off the phone until midnight and didn’t go to sleep until about 12:30. Yup, 12:30, just over an hour ago. Yup, 12:30, TODAY!! This is the craziest damn thing, all I can think of is what the hell is wrong with me….well, could be several things but we’re not going to go there.

This morning I’m thinking that I might be able to find something good on TV or at least something that will put me to sleep but I realize late-night TV is crap….and I mean crap!!

I’m settling on ESPN for once. I did miss some of the highlights as I haven’t been home a lot so this will give me a chance to catch up.

Well, it’s now 3:07 and I’ve caught up on sports, that’s for sure. After SportsCenter it switched over to NFL Primetime which is SportsCenter on football steroids and now we’re back to SportsCenter. I have now watched every highlight about 4 times. Every other show is nothing but SportsCenter, you’re not fooling me. I’m not sure how guys can watch these things over and over again because he still makes the catch, he still drops the ball, he still steps out-of-bounds at the one yard line, she still gets fined $2000 for yelling at the ref (really?), he still hit a home run, the damn Vikings still lost and the Gophers coach still has a seizure!!! How many times do we need to watch the highlights (or lowlights)?

It’s amazing to me how people can watch this stuff over and over and over again and act like it’s the first time they saw it. Ohhhh, when they come back from the commercial now they’re going to tell me who the best of the best of the best was. I can’t wait, I bet it’s something I haven’t seen yet……..or not.

I think Jerry Springer is on somewhere, perhaps I should get an ego boost quick before I try to go to bed again. This show makes my life look like a walk in the park as my parents weren’t cousins, my boyfriend isn’t sleeping with my sister, I’m not pregnant and not sure which of 6 men is my baby’s daddy and I’m not going to lose my shirt on national TV when I get in a fight with my aunt because I’ve been sleeping with her newest husband. Nevermind, that was enough of an ego boost for me not to have to watch it.

Hey, guess what? Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and the Vikings lost….haven’t heard that yet tonight!!

Sidewalk Finds

Two coworkers of mine ran across a pair of dirty (and they meant DIRTY) men’s underwear on the sidewalk in downtown Duluth a couple of weeks ago. Now, this isn’t really what I was thinking I would write about when I started this blog but we couldn’t help but laugh thinking about the scenarios for why they would be there.

A homeless guy decided that enough was enough, he’d gotten the wear out of them he needed.
A drunk had an accident at some point and realized that he couldn’t go on any further without discarding them.
Some guy had Mexican for lunch and couldn’t quite make it back to the office.
It was laundry day and they were in the basket (God only knows why he would try to salvage these) and they fell out.
A homeless guy may have lost them out of a shopping cart or his pocket while he was walking, but again, why was he saving them? From the description the girls gave they were un-salvageable.
He could have put them there on purpose to cause just this sort of reaction. But again, I have to stress, they WERE NOT clean so he would have had to soil them at some point. I would think anyone would want to hide the evidence, not flaunt it.

Now, none of these scenarios is a good and here are the reasons why:

If someone had been wearing them and decided he couldn’t live with them anymore how in the hell did he get them off? He would have had to take his shoes and pants off, then the underwear, then put the pants and shoes back on. All in the middle of the sidewalk.
It could have been a cross-dresser and he just slipped them off from under a skirt.
If they had been in a laundry basket, there is not a laundry mat anywhere close so he perhaps had to get on a bus, which brings a whole new scenario.
The poor Clean and Safe Team, although it may not be the worst thing they’ve ever seen, give these good people a break.

My advice is throw them away people, bury them in the trash or burn them in the back yard. There is no need to share them with the world.

Gym-Bound

I’m going to join the gym, again. This obviously isn’t the first time and it will not be the last I’m sure. But right now, I’m doing it, I’m going to join the gym. I’m excited, I’m joining with one of my friends, I figure the buddy system is the best way to go, not only for moral support but to be there to document the good stuff.

Last time I was gym-bound I had a buddy as well but she didn’t always want to get up in the mornings so I would go by myself.

The following near death experience is why I quit going last time.

My normal workout was 45 minutes on the elliptical, sometimes I would even bike or walk the treadmill, I really thought I was doing great. One particular morning I decided on the treadmill, there was only one other ‘exerciser’ in the room.

Since I had been working out for months and could do a pretty good pace on the elliptical I thought I would try to jog, what a better time then when the place is empty, right? I walked at a pretty good pace for about 10 minutes and then upped it to a slow jog, now, when I say slow, it’s pretty darn slow. Here’s how it went:

This is great, I can do this
Watch out Grandma’s marathon, here I come
I wonder if I should speed it up a little
Whew, getting winded, wonder if it’s been 5 minutes?
This is harder than I thought, did this thing speed itself up?
Legs are tightening up
I wonder if the other exerciser can see me struggle?
I look over to see him through a blur.
Is this thing speeding up more?
I’m losing my eyesight, my God, I’m going blind!
I’m losing consciousness!
I wonder if the other exerciser will call 911?
I’m screaming for help but nothing is coming out
Apparently he’s not going to call 911 for me
I stab at the machine until it slows way down
I remove myself from the devil machine, looking around for oxygen
I drag a leg over to the water cooler
I look around wondering if he saw me
I check the time, so sure it’s been 10 minutes…….
47 seconds!
I almost died at 47 seconds from jogging
Eff this, I’m going back to the elliptical……

I sure hope my new workouts go better than my last. I will keep you posted.

People of Wal-Mart

Now, I refuse to post the people of Wal-Mart photos here as there is a website dedicated to them (click here). However, I received an email today with some new photos and I haven’t had one for a few months. I’m not going to lie, to see these boosts my ego. I sometimes wonder if these people are planted and they pose for these photos, today I realize a majority of them are probably true though. Here’s why:

Some heavy women tend to think they look good in anything, including fish net stockings and a mini-skirt that’s 3 sizes too small. You can find this at any state fair.
People don’t read what’s on their shirts, front or back. I have seen a VERY large woman in a restaurant with a shirt on that said “Big Daddy”. You really put that on to go into public?
Just because you’re skinny doesn’t mean you can show off everything, that includes muffin tops, tattoos, butt cracks and butt cheeks. I see this all the time, even at work.
I understand you might be crazy, but don’t advertise it by wearing your hospital gown, your pink size 13 high heels (men) or your lingerie to the store. I work in downtown Duluth, I see these things on a weekly basis.
No one would walk into a public place with a poop stain in the shorts willingly, no way, no how. No way that one is fake!

I believe these pictures could be labeled, People of the State Fair, People of the County Fair, People of My Hometown or People at the Flea Market. They are everywhere, some of us may even be these people from time to time, I have some items I wear walking that should not be for public consumption.

My advice to you: cover it up, buy it big enough, wear underwear smaller than your shorts, check out the damage after some bad gas and for the love of God read very carefully what your shirt says before you wear it in public.

Sleepless in Wisconsin II

Here we go again, watching the overnight bad news of the weekend and wondering why I’m not snuggled up and sleeping peacefully like my company. Nope, I’m awake, on the couch wishing once again someone had a large frying pan to knock me out with.

Tonight I won’t tell you what ridiculous things I’ve been thinking about but I will share some points of his visit.

Trip home through several construction zones
Meat raffle
Burgers at Anchor Bar
Strip club (nothing I can talk about here)
Headaches
McDonalds
Garage sales
Nap
Dinner with friends
Drinks with friends
A hilarious bear story (if I ever figure out how to make it half as funny as it was I will write about it)
Company mows my lawn (yes I felt guilty about it….for a minute)
A drive through construction to friends in Spooner
A bean bag tournament
A severely dislocated finger and a trip to the ER (the host of the day)
Stories around the fire (nothing that I can ever repeat here)
A drive through construction back home
A displaced rib (company)
Nap
Phone calls to friends for some sort of pain killers
Grilling and fire at home
Phone calls to chiropractors for help
Trip to chiropractor
Nap
Trip to chiropractor
Phone calls to more friends for more pain killers (yes I realize this is bad but he’s in some massive pain)
Trip to pick up said drugs
Dinner and fire with friends at home (discussing events from strip club)

After making this list I see we have spent a good portion of time in construction, napping and tending to injuries. I can’t decide if that’s a good or a bad thing. I do know we’ve done lots of laughing and we had a great time despite an injury that’s still killing him. I feel bad about sending him home like that.

I am now so delirious I’m contemplating stealing some pain killers from him that we ‘borrowed’ from someone else. I better go back to bed before I pilfer through his stuff…..I think the little shit is trying to hide them from me.

Moments

I read a post this morning that was one of those ‘I’m not alone in this world’ realizations. Makes me feel so much better that others have those ‘moments’ that we’ve all experienced, yes boys, even you have those moments, I’ve seen them first hand.

My advice to all………find the humor in them when they’re all said and done. Makes for a great story.