The Book is Done II

Finally!  Exactly four weeks after distribution to the eBook sellers they all have it for sale.  It only took one poke and prod to my publisher to make sure it was up on the final straggler.

Here is a list of where you can find it:

Amazon (Kindle)
Barnes & Noble (Nook)
Sony Reader Store
Kobo Books

I don’t know a lot about all of these sellers but I do know that you can download a free Kindle app and read books on your phone.  You can also download iBook on you iPhone.  The great part is you don’t have to own an actual reader to enjoy eBooks, I just discovered that myself.  I know, I know, I’m behind the times.

Thank you to all of you who have purchased, will purchase, have shared  with friends and who have typed up an actual review of the book.

I currently have no idea how well or not well it’s doing and probably won’t know until early to middle July.  I do know that I can finally send out a press release and some other marketing items.

Keeping my fingers crossed for retirement in the Caribbean……actually, I’m keeping my fingers crossed to recoup my publishing costs and some gas money!


The New Cell Phone II

I couldn’t do it.  I just couldn’t do it.  I could not keep the phone that was a step above two dixie cups and a string and a step below a rotary phone.

I was lucky enough that a friend who read my last story had a phone that he didn’t need anymore.  I got a text from him last week that said “I just read Following Funny and I have an iPhone3 you can have.  Cut your losses.”  You would have thought I hit the lottery.  I was happier than a government employee on flag day.

I wasn’t overly thrilled because it was an iPhone and I’ve been operating off of Android for so long but I didn’t care at this point.  Frustration had made its way in and it wasn’t leaving.  I had realized by then that the phone had fewer features than I first thought and it didn’t always seem to ring when someone called.  I started getting voicemails and there was no missed call or anything.

Today my saint dropped off my new phone.  I of course had to text several questions to my iPhone guru friends to ask some really dumb questions (I couldn’t find where the SIM card went) so it took me about three hours to get it set up and I’m even still working on a couple things at this point.   Remember how the other phone brought in three of each contact?  Well, with this phone I’m missing a bunch of them.  That certainly could have been me messing around with the phone from hell the last few days.  Now when people text I’m going to have to ask “who is this”.  How embarrassing.

Miraculously I kept my receipt from my purchase last week so I was on a mission to return it today.  Once again I was reminded why I do not go to Wal-Mart.  When I made my purchase last week I asked the cashier if I could return the phone if it didn’t work and she clearly said “yes, just go to customer service and they’ll take care of it for you”.  Today I parked in the customer service line with the crappy phone and a smile on my face…..for about five minutes.

It became obvious fairly quickly that returning this phone was going to be an adventure.  There were four Walmartians behind the counter.  One was on the phone, one was weighing and counting money (on the front counter while people were standing there no less), one was sorting returned items and one was helping a customer.  Yes, one.  There was a line of six people waiting to be helped.  I can only imagine that they were returning some piece of crap as well.  It seemed to be more important for them to switch a money drawer and for one to leave for break than actually help anyone.

I not so patiently waited for my turn to proudly present my receipt and purchase.  I was finally greeted by the sole working Walmartian and told him I was returning the phone.  He was only too happy to tell me he couldn’t help me and that I needed to go to the cell phone center.  I said “seriously” and he said “yup, that’s where all phones are returned even if you bought it back in electronics”.   Oh good.

I walked over to the cell phone center and lo and behold, two people working, nine people in the center.  I was hoping I wouldn’t have a meltdown before I got helped.  One worker was helping a woman who was asking about monthly plans.  This woman was saying the craziest things to the worker, I just couldn’t believe the employee was so patient with her.  She was telling her about how she got her last four or five cellphones which was completely irrelevant to what was happening today.  All this while people were waiting!  This wasn’t social hour at the local tavern.

The top of my head was about to explode when the woman finally stopped talking and I could get helped.  I was a bit crabby until I saw the woman’s face who was helping me.  She was clearly more frustrated than I was so I put on a pleasant face for her and did what I could to make my visit quick.

I’m happy with my new phone and I’m sure it will take me a few weeks to figure it out and get all my contacts back.  By then it will probably break and I will have to get a new one yet again.

The New Cell Phone

The cell phone I’ve had for well over a year has been limping along for a couple of months and I’ve been living with it.  Why?  Because I haven’t wanted to bother finding a new one, that’s why.   Getting a new phone stinks, I struggle with it for months before really knowing how to use it.  Hell, I think I had just figured out the one that was limping along.

Well, the other night the limp turned into a full-body crappie flop.   Ok, yes, it had help.  I dropped it on the floor and it completely gave up on me.  I picked it up, put the battery back in and hoped for the best.  The best did not happen.  The worst happened.  The screen looked like an old television that was losing its picture tube.  A bunch of multi-colored lines with no sign of the actual picture.  I played it cool because it happened in front of someone and no sense getting worked up when I had to finish out my shift and it was only 30 minutes in.

As the night wore on panic set in.  I no longer had a working phone.  I’m going to have to get a hold of people to see if anyone has one I can borrow until I get a new one.  Really?  How was I going to do that?  Smoke signals?  Drive to their houses or places of work?  I certainly couldn’t call them from the work phone because I don’t know anyone’s number by heart!!  Damn technology.

I got home about 1:30 AM and was in full panic mode.  I’m on a month to month plan so walking into the cell phone store and asking for a new phone for eight bucks and a two-year contract isn’t a possibility.  I actually have to buy my phones new or used.  Well, I don’t want to take out a mortgage to buy a brand new schwanky state of the art phone so I was thinking that buying one off Craigslist may be my best bet.  Okay, that was going to take too long and too much hassle with no phone to call from.

At 1:45 AM it came to me.  Wal-Mart.  Now, for those of you who are new to my ramblings I would rather have a root canal without Novocaine than go to Wal-Mart but it seemed to be my only choice.  I ventured out to buy a new phone.  I did what I set out to do and I bought a new phone.  I’m not happy with my new phone but I have one.

My old phone was an Android so I thought I would buy another Android.  Little did I know that the non-contract phones that Wal-Mart carries are one step above two dixie cups and a string.  I’ve never been overly picky about my cell phones, all I really want to do is talk and text, anything more than that is a bonus.  With this dollar store Android I bought it’s a crap shoot as to whether I will actually get to talk or text.  I certainly will not be able to do both at the same time.

I switched out my SIM card and my SD card and thought that I would be good to go.  Not so much the case as I looked in my contacts and there were five numbers there.  Ok, I probably have to import them.  I figured out how to do that and left it work for about 15 minutes.  I tried to read the booklet with the features but there really weren’t many features listed.  Great.  The import finished so I checked out my contacts and lo and behold there were 600.  600????? What the….?

Upon further investigation it had imported three of everything….and I mean everything.  There were numbers imported that I had deleted a year ago.  This phone managed to find  numbers that weren’t actually there.  Goes to show you nothing is ever truly deleted, be careful.  I started to have hope for the phone, maybe it was smarter than I thought it was.

The next morning my hopes were dashed when I attempted to text.  It has no dictionary, no auto correct, no suggestions (other than the names that are in my contact list so every time I type an A, it suggests that I use Adam), nothing.  Even auto correct would be welcome at this point.  I sent this text earlier “I have norhung better to do than wirry about whats on tv.  This fuckinf phone diesnt even tell you when something is spelled wrong its so cheap.  Urgh.”  Honestly, my fingers are too fat to not make mistakes, I could really use some help.  If I would have picked corrections for my misspellings it would have said “I have nonnie better to do than wenker about whats on tv.  This frankie phone dan even tell you when something is spelled wrong its so cheap.  Urgh”

I downloaded Dice with Buddies and Kindle and the phone told me it’s running out of memory.  I cried and wanted to throw it.  I’m not going to buy yet another one so I will struggle through it until I can afford a good one.  For those of you who text me, don’t expect anything to be spelled correctly so you’ll have to figure out what I’m trying to say.

The Gas Station

I have to share this.  It’s too good not to.  I received a phone call from a friend this morning, the only way I can relay this story is to try to type it as it happened.

Me:  “Hello”

Her: “The most embarrassing thing happened to me this morning, I’m completely humiliated.”

Me:  “This ought to be good” (she doesn’t embarrass easily)

Her:  “I don’t need your shit, this isn’t funny”

Me:  I immediately start to laugh

Her:  “I asked (husband) to fill my truck up with gas when he got home from work last night because I’ve been driving for about 25 miles with it beeping at me.  When I woke up this morning he wasn’t home so I called him and asked him if he had a sleepover last night because he never came home.  He started laughing at me and said he got home after midnight, slept with me and had to be back at work at 5:00 AM this morning.”

Me: “Nice, you slept through him coming home and leaving again.”

Her:  “Well that’s not the embarrassing thing.  He didn’t have a chance to get gas for me so he left me his credit card on the counter to use for gas.  On the way to bring (son) to school I stopped at the gas station to fill up.  The new pumps at the station wouldn’t work so I went in to see the cashier, she informed me that they were having trouble and I should just fill up and she’d run the card when I was done.  After filling up I went back inside to pay.  The card kept saying declined and I kept telling her to try it again, knowing full well there was room on the card.  After several tries she gave up.  Well, you know me, I didn’t even bring anything with me, no purse no cash, nothing.”

Me: “Oh no.”  I’d been hiding a laugh since the beginning of the story and could no longer hold it in.

Her:  “*&^%$@ you Peg, this isn’t funny!”  While she’s trying really hard not to laugh.

Me:  “Hey listen, you called me, how can I not laugh.”

Her:  “Anyway, my hands are tied with no money and a credit card that doesn’t work so I tell the cashier that I’m going to leave my son there and run home and get a check blank. There he stood in the gas station while I drove away to go home.”

Me:  “You’re kidding me?!! You left him there while you ran home?  Couldn’t you have left your driver’s license?”

Her:  This portion should be read as if you’re laughing, crying and irate all at the same time because that’s what it was like.  She was yelling and her voice was hoarse.  “I didn’t have anything else to leave with her.  I ran home to grab the checkbook and it wasn’t there.  Then I looked where we keep the check blanks and they weren’t there.  I was so mad at him (the hubby) because I thought he hid them from me so I tried to call him and he wasn’t answering.  I left him scathing messages and told him to be ready to sign divorce papers when he got home. ”

Me:  “Pretty sure he didn’t give you a non-working credit card on purpose.”

Her:  “Shut up Peg, stop sticking up for him.  Anyway, I started digging around the house for money, found a twenty here and a twenty there.  Left the house with $76 which was $2 short of what I needed.  Thank goodness I found a couple of dollar bills in the truck as I tore that apart too.  I headed back to the gas station, still leaving mad messages for him (hubby).”

Me:  “Good Lord.”  At this point I was picturing her rummaging through her house looking for check blanks and cash, swearing and yelling.  I’m also amazed that someone can actually find $76 in their house, pretty sure I’d come up with about $3.52 if I dug around for money.  I was laughing uncontrollably.  The harder I laughed the harder she laughed and the madder she got.

Her:  “I got back to the gas station to pay for my gas and the cashier said “hey sport, your mom is here to get you out of hock.  I could have died.  Then she looked at me and said “I had trouble with several cards after yours so had to move to the other cash register, seems it was a problem on our end”, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

Me:  I couldn’t even speak at this point I was laughing so hard.

As we were on the phone she arrived home and her husband was just getting home from work.  I heard her say “leave me alone, I dare you to step in front of the truck, I’ll run you over”, she was laughing so hard she could hardly get the words out.   I had to hang up because I couldn’t handle the laughter.

Her husband called me a few minutes later and we laughed our butts off.  He said he didn’t hide the check blanks and opened the drawer to prove it and they had slid to the back of the drawer.  He said he listened to his voicemail and couldn’t even understand what was going on.  All I could do is tell him he may need to get his son some therapy for him being used for collateral at the gas station.  He’s going to get a lot of mileage out of this one, I’ve never heard him laugh so hard.

This is why I love having people in my life who tell on themselves and who also know I enjoy a hilarious story.

I’ve been laughing since I started writing this story so I just called her and it went to voicemail.  I said “I’m just wondering if Child Protective Services stopped by after your son told his story at school today”.  She beeped in right after I was done leaving it so I was laughing when I answered.  All I could say is “I’m so funny sometimes”.  She couldn’t believe I was still laughing.  I said “I can believe it”.

Nervous Nelly

I’m not a nervous person…..well….maybe I should say I’ve never been a nervous person in the past.  It seems that times are changing though.  This last week has proven to me that certain situations cause me to be a basket case.  And I don’t like it, not one bit.

Give me a microphone and a room full of people and I’m fine,  put me in a room with just about anyone for a job interview and I’m fine or put me behind a bar with people three deep waiting for drinks and I’m fine (I’m sweating but fine).

Ask me to write a book and put it for sale on all the major bookseller websites and I’m completely beside myself.  I have no idea what has come over me but it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

It’s been just over a week since I approved the book to be distributed and exactly one week since it hit Amazon and iBookstore.  I felt the first twitches of something when I hit the ‘approve’ button.  I thought that may have just been something I ate but it continually got worse over the next two days.  Then Friday afternoon hit and I received a text message from a friend that said she found it on the iBookstore.  I crumbled.  I happened to be helping out at the bar and I really thought I was going to faint.

There I was, helping customers and not knowing whether I needed to pull up the sink and throw up or run to the bathroom.  It’s been a roller coaster ever since.  There have been headaches, chest pains, stomach issues and plain old loss of thought process.  I would imagine some of this I could blame on age but I know it’s nerves and anxiety.  A strange new world for me.

I was nervous once when I had to be on camera for a webinar and my stomach was doing flips and somersaults.  I figured it was because I couldn’t see my audience but they could see me, plus the camera adds ten to fifteen pounds and who needs an extra ten pounds?  NOT ME!

I still haven’t quite figured out why this would make me so nervous but for now I’m going with the excuse that it’s the fear of failure……I’m pretty sure that’s not it though.  Oh, I may fail alright but that comes with so many things we do in life.  Perhaps I should write to Dr. Phil to see if he can fix me…………better not do that, who knows what that guy will find going on with me, I’m pretty content with my own version of crazy.

I’m optimistic this nerves thing will take care of itself soon because I can’t take it. I’m also pretty sure those close to me aren’t going to be able to take it much longer either.  My close friends have to be tired of text messages and phone calls about this.  I can almost see them rolling their eyes and thinking “she has to get over this already”.  Idaho told me last week he thought it was cute that I was nervous.  I bet he doesn’t think that any longer.

I’m taking the weekend to step away and spend some time with family and friends.  Maybe I’ll get a grip.

The Book is Done

In through the nose, out through the mouth.  Deep breath.  Throw up or crap pants.

That has been my routine for what seems to be weeks.  This writing and publishing a book thing has been interesting to say the least.  I would think this is how it is on the first time for everyone or maybe it just is me.  If it’s like this every time people would never write a second book.  It’s also been a test of patience, which I didn’t have much of to begin with and I’m pretty sure I’ve left it all on the table.  It has been a hurry up and wait process to say the least.

For those of you who have been following my stories from the beginning, you will recognize a lot of them.  I have tweaked previous stories from my blog, used the most popular stories from my blog as they were and added stories that you will only find in the book.  Most of the stories I pulled from the blog are not actually available here anymore.  I’ve also started gathering stories for a possible second book…….I’m ahead of myself now, let’s get the first one up and running.

The book is priced reasonably at $3.99 which hopefully won’t be too expensive for people to ‘try it out’.  I did set up an email address in case I get a lot of hate mail.  I’d hate to field those in the same email account I get correspondence about jobs or from my family and friends.  If all goes well maybe I’ll get ‘not hate mail’, you never know.

Out of the 11 eBook sellers, Amazon Kindle will have it for sale the quickest.  That means in just a few days Following Funny will be swimming among the thousands of other eBooks out there.  I’m a good swimmer but we’ll see how the book does.

For those who follow me and read my ramblings, thank you, thank you and thank you.  It’s because of you I decided to stick my neck out there and finally do this.  For those of you who are planning on purchasing the book I appreciate it more than you could know.  If you do purchase it please put a review in with whichever seller you purchase it from.  I’m one of those people who looks at the reviews before buying a book and I know others do as well.

The unfortunate part of all this is I won’t know exactly how well, or not well, it’s doing for probably a month or two due to the way the sellers report sales.  Again the patience is being tested and I’m failing miserably.  Thus I will continue to repeat my previous process.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.  Deep breath.  Throw up or crap pants.

Driving Issues

Why are simple traffic rules so tough for some people?  Every day it seems I run into an issue with other drivers on the road.  It’s a scary thought to be out and about with other drivers.  Now, I’m not saying I’m the best driver but I do know the simple rules of the road.    Just in the last few days I’ve witnessed some very frustrating things.

Four-way stops:  At least once a day, I drive up to a four-way stop and another car is completely confused about what exactly should be happening.  Sometimes I stop at the same time as someone on my right.  They have no clue that they have the right-a-way.  It’s such an awkward moment, staring at them and then attempting to wave them through.  They do nothing for several seconds so I decide to go and then they finally decide to go as well.  We then have the herky-jerky stop and go dumbassery happening.  Finally I stop and wave them on with an angry hand gesture, no, not the one finger gesture, the ‘I’m going to slap you if I ever see you again’ wave while I’m shaking my head.

There are also the people who never went to geometry class because the shape of a stop sign looks like the shape of a yield sign to them.  These people either give a poor attempt at a stop or they slow a bit and then speed up through the intersection no matter how many people stopped before them.  I hate to be stereotypical here but most of the non-stoppers are men, leave it to them to think they own the road.

I laughed hysterically yesterday when there were four of us sitting at the intersection at the same time.  I was the last one to stop but the other three cars seemed to be in a deadlock, all staring at each other in a panic.  I couldn’t bother to wait, I went while they were all still figuring out who was on the right.  The last time I looked in my mirror they were still sitting there.

Using mirrors:  Twice in the last week I’ve had to use my horn excessively because someone was backing up and not using their mirrors.  They were headed right for me.  It took quite some time for them to hear the horn but they both missed me by mere inches.  I think I agree with something I read a few weeks ago which was “I’m going to get a car horn  that sounds like gunshots”.  I bet people would pay attention to my horn much sooner.

Merging traffic:  No one pays attention to the fact they have a yield sign when they’re merging.  I can’t tell you how many times I end up waiting for people who actually have the merge sign.  The worst part, they have no clue, and I mean no clue, that they were in the wrong, in fact, sometimes I even get the fist shake, the yell or the finger from people because they have no idea what is actually supposed to happen.

All I’m asking for here is for people to pay attention…..and perhaps take a refresher course on what should be happening at a four-way stop, read close, it can be confusing apparently.

This Is My Life

I truly have to wonder if the stuff that happens to me happens to everyone.  I think it does but most people probably find it more frustrating than funny.  I had one of those weeks this past week and of course I feel the need to share.

I had to break up a fight at the bar and I haven’t had to do that in a long time.  One of our regulars Jan was in and she was in rare form (well, not really rare for her).  She’s a bit rough around the edges but has a heart of gold.  I have rules for her when I’m there.  She has to pull up her pants, no wearing them below her butt cheeks, she can’t mooch off of other customers, she can’t ask me for money and she can’t try to sell me anything.  No, I am not lying, those are her rules.  She is VERY aware of them.

Anyway, Jan was with a girl and a guy.  Pretty soon her and the girl were off of their stools pushing and slapping each other.  Like a shot (I move pretty fast when it comes to this stuff) I went around the bar and got between them.  Then I panicked.  I not only got between them, I had my back to the regular.  In a matter of a couple of seconds some very bad scenarios went through my head, including getting a knife in the back.  I stepped away in one piece thankfully.  As I was yelling at her that she had to leave I added “now you have another rule, no fighting and I shouldn’t have to tell you that.  If it happens again, you’re out for good”!  I act pretty tough in times like that.

As I walked back behind the bar Matt, (another regular) said “holy crap, how did I miss that, I’ve never seen you move so fast”.  I said “the last thing I need is to have to call the cops on my shift, I take care of that on my own”.  He just laughed and went back to the game on his phone.  He’s normally the one that takes care of any riff raff while he’s there.

A few minutes after breaking up the fight a woman walked in wearing a pair of sunglasses.  Across the lenses it said SW AG.  Matt and I looked at each other and at the same time said “this ought to be good”.  It didn’t take her long to start dirty dancing and shooting pool.  She was using the pool stick as a stripper pole since we don’t actually have a stripper pole there.  She got a little worked up at one point so took her arms out of her hoodie and just wore it around her neck.  She was wearing a wife beater and was sportin’ some pretty large butt crack.  She didn’t care, she had swag and was going to prove to everyone she had earned those sunglasses.   She attempted to pick up a couple customers to take home but struck out.  She left and came back twice providing us with about two hours of entertainment but left empty handed each time.  Perhaps she found someone in a different bar.

Jan came in a couple days later apologizing for her behavior and tried to tell me she wasn’t fighting.  I argued with her for a minute and then she finally said “if we were fighting why did I wake up with her in my bed the next morning?”  I could only drop my head and go about my day, I had no argument for that and I certainly didn’t ask for any sort of confirmation.

Saturday night I had a group of three come in who were more than interesting.  The woman had won money somehow, somewhere and was throwing it around like it grew on trees.  She used her bra for a wallet and was going back to her stash like a fat kid at a buffet.  She bought her and her friends drinks, bought the other people in the bar drinks and put 20 bucks in the jukebox.  With that $20 she played two songs, the same two songs, over and over again.  She offered me 10 bucks to crank the jukebox.  I’m not proud, I did it and because she was buying drinks for everyone they all stood up and sang with her at the top of their lungs.

It wasn’t long before her and her man started dancing.  This was when I noticed that she had on a very sheer, very revealing shirt which didn’t cover much and continually fell off her shoulder to expose a lot of skin and a good portion of her bra.  I also noticed she wore a swimsuit bikini bottom under her jeans.  The strings and bows were hanging out of her pants and her crack was hanging out of both the bikini and the jeans.

It was difficult for me to watch this show with a straight face so I found something to do that would leave me with my back to them.  Soon after I started ignoring them I heard a thump and got that feeling in my stomach that something was going on I did not want to see.  I turned around and sure enough she was sitting on the bar with him between her legs.  I have never seen a 400 lb man dry hump anyone but he was going to town.

I thought the friction he was causing may start a fire and I was a bit scared to tell him to stop but I had no choice.  I yelled “hey, no no no no no no no, no, NO  You cannot do that on my bar.”  They both looked at me with that “what?” look on their face and he lifted her off the bar.  Thank goodness they stopped without issue but not before I was searching desperately for eye wash, or acid, or tequila, anything.  That’s something that I can never unsee.

The week ended at McDonald’s.  I was in desperate need of a small chocolate shake (I never used to crave chocolate but apparently that happens when they remove some of your girl parts, go figure).  I ordered my shake sans cherry, received my total and started to drive toward the window.  I stopped behind a red Dodge that was probably two car lengths from window number one.  His driver’s door was open with his rear sticking out and him digging under the dash.  My window was still open so when he straightened up he said to me “it’ll just be a second, it’s the battery, no big deal”.  He then proceeded to open the hood and dig around for a few seconds, close the hood and get in.  He was talking the whole time, telling me it wouldn’t be long.  His truck started and on he went to the first window.

After he paid, he stepped on the gas and the truck moved about three feet and then died again.  This time he seemed to be prepared and was veering to the right to get out of the way.  He stopped in front of the second window but he was in the actual driving lane.  I paid quickly and was laughing as I moved toward the second window.  As I got to the second window the guy’s passenger got out of the truck and said “screw this, I’m going in to get the food”.  His passenger left him there, stalled.  The driver opened his door and started pushing the truck by himself.

I went to the window, helped the very confused McDonald’s crew figure out which food went where because they kept trying to give me two McChickens (which actually belonged to the people behind me) and went on my very very merry way.   I giggled for about 30 minutes and had to call a friend to tell her about it.  I thought long and hard about what my friends would do and decided yes, they probably would leave me stalled to go get the food.

I can’t wait to see what this week brings.

Another Cold

I have a cold and I’ve had a cold for almost two weeks.  I feel like I’ve been a man about this thing because I’ve been complaining about it like nobody’s business.  There have also been days when it’s absolutely kicked my butt.

Why is it I can come through surgery with flying colors and bartend six days after losing my girl parts but I can’t seem to kick a common cold?  Is this a sign of things to come as I age?  That would mean I’m not aging gracefully and I don’t like that.  There is something terribly wrong with this picture.  What’s worse is I’ve been sleeping even less since this cold has moved in.  Yeah, I’ve been a real peach.

Today I feel better but I am hopped up on Dayquil, Alkeseltzer Plus and some Aleve.  I don’t think I should be taking all of those together but it seems to have worked enough today for me to get some things accomplished.  I bet I shouldn’t be driving though….shhhh…don’t tell anyone.  I can just see it now, me trying to explain to the officer that it’s over-the-counter meds that’s causing me to swerve because I’m singing and dancing in the driver’s seat.

I had pictures taken on Friday for some promotional stuff, so not happy but that’s another story all together because I hate pictures of myself.  I put more makeup on then I’ve had on in months but the dark circles make me look like a raccoon.   I am for sure looking my age these days.  Now when people ask how old I am I’m going to have to say 50, because I’d still look good for 50, not so good for 43 but pretty good for 50.

Well, here’s to over-the-counter medicine and a sunny day.  Let’s hope this cold works itself out of my system soon or I may go postal.

Funny Blog Search IV

I haven’t looked into the nitty-gritty of my stats lately because I’ve been a bit preoccupied with getting my book done. I took some time today to see what’s been happening here and it’s interesting as always.  I looked at the report back to the beginning of the year.  What I found astounds me.  Here’s why:

Over 400 searches were people wondering about making the workday go faster.  How sad is that?  People are so unhappy and/or bored at their jobs they want to make it go faster.  I may have to start publishing some actual ideas since my post about making the workday go faster was pretty sarcastic and only gave ideas that would probably get people fired in the long run.  It’s funny how we take things for granted, especially our jobs.  I still think the best way not to be bored at your job is to actually do your job and do it well.  If you’re bored ask what can be done to better the company.  Don’t make things up to do and don’t do unnecessary things, be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.  Simple I know but effective.

Almost 300 searches were related to camel toes.   Oh what an odd world we live in that people are actually searching for that.  Must be a fairly popular fetish (I just threw up in my mouth a little).  There were even searches for ‘ugly camel toe’, ummmm, I guess I’m in the camp that all camel toes are ugly so that search seems rather redundant to me.  A few searches asked ‘what is a camel toe?’, my post surely didn’t answer that question, sorry about that.  All I can seem to do about this one is shake my head.

Seven searches for ‘huge monkeys’ and two searches for ‘huge bugs’.  Really?  They found my blog?  I am 100% positive these poor souls did not find what they were looking for, I think I only have one actual post that even mentions monkeys and zero that mention bugs….well, other than this one now.

Six searches for ‘front door of a freight train’.  I have no clue why it is that my blog is found under this search but I know that I did not supply what they were looking for.  I didn’t realize people were interested in the front door of freight trains or that they even had a front door!

Another search worth mentioning is ‘hair cuts for my pony’.  I can’t even imagine how many pages of Google these people had to look through to find the one that was pointed to my page.  I would imagine my story about hair cuts is the one that showed up but they certainly found no use in that story.

Last and certainly not least there are searches for pot pies.  Yes, I know, it’s a terrible world where people would actually do an online search for pot pies.  I hope that my post on pot pies made them think twice about purchasing any, I’m attempting to save the world one pot pie at a time.  Don’t do it people, don’t do it.  There are much better things to eat out there, like liver and onions, head cheese or blood soup.

Can’t wait to see what the next few months bring!  As usual it will only get more and more strange.