I have to share this. It’s too good not to. I received a phone call from a friend this morning, the only way I can relay this story is to try to type it as it happened.
Her: “The most embarrassing thing happened to me this morning, I’m completely humiliated.”
Me: “This ought to be good” (she doesn’t embarrass easily)
Her: “I don’t need your shit, this isn’t funny”
Me: I immediately start to laugh
Her: “I asked (husband) to fill my truck up with gas when he got home from work last night because I’ve been driving for about 25 miles with it beeping at me. When I woke up this morning he wasn’t home so I called him and asked him if he had a sleepover last night because he never came home. He started laughing at me and said he got home after midnight, slept with me and had to be back at work at 5:00 AM this morning.”
Me: “Nice, you slept through him coming home and leaving again.”
Her: “Well that’s not the embarrassing thing. He didn’t have a chance to get gas for me so he left me his credit card on the counter to use for gas. On the way to bring (son) to school I stopped at the gas station to fill up. The new pumps at the station wouldn’t work so I went in to see the cashier, she informed me that they were having trouble and I should just fill up and she’d run the card when I was done. After filling up I went back inside to pay. The card kept saying declined and I kept telling her to try it again, knowing full well there was room on the card. After several tries she gave up. Well, you know me, I didn’t even bring anything with me, no purse no cash, nothing.”
Me: “Oh no.” I’d been hiding a laugh since the beginning of the story and could no longer hold it in.
Her: “*&^%$@ you Peg, this isn’t funny!” While she’s trying really hard not to laugh.
Me: “Hey listen, you called me, how can I not laugh.”
Her: “Anyway, my hands are tied with no money and a credit card that doesn’t work so I tell the cashier that I’m going to leave my son there and run home and get a check blank. There he stood in the gas station while I drove away to go home.”
Me: “You’re kidding me?!! You left him there while you ran home? Couldn’t you have left your driver’s license?”
Her: This portion should be read as if you’re laughing, crying and irate all at the same time because that’s what it was like. She was yelling and her voice was hoarse. “I didn’t have anything else to leave with her. I ran home to grab the checkbook and it wasn’t there. Then I looked where we keep the check blanks and they weren’t there. I was so mad at him (the hubby) because I thought he hid them from me so I tried to call him and he wasn’t answering. I left him scathing messages and told him to be ready to sign divorce papers when he got home. ”
Me: “Pretty sure he didn’t give you a non-working credit card on purpose.”
Her: “Shut up Peg, stop sticking up for him. Anyway, I started digging around the house for money, found a twenty here and a twenty there. Left the house with $76 which was $2 short of what I needed. Thank goodness I found a couple of dollar bills in the truck as I tore that apart too. I headed back to the gas station, still leaving mad messages for him (hubby).”
Me: “Good Lord.” At this point I was picturing her rummaging through her house looking for check blanks and cash, swearing and yelling. I’m also amazed that someone can actually find $76 in their house, pretty sure I’d come up with about $3.52 if I dug around for money. I was laughing uncontrollably. The harder I laughed the harder she laughed and the madder she got.
Her: “I got back to the gas station to pay for my gas and the cashier said “hey sport, your mom is here to get you out of hock. I could have died. Then she looked at me and said “I had trouble with several cards after yours so had to move to the other cash register, seems it was a problem on our end”, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.”
Me: I couldn’t even speak at this point I was laughing so hard.
As we were on the phone she arrived home and her husband was just getting home from work. I heard her say “leave me alone, I dare you to step in front of the truck, I’ll run you over”, she was laughing so hard she could hardly get the words out. I had to hang up because I couldn’t handle the laughter.
Her husband called me a few minutes later and we laughed our butts off. He said he didn’t hide the check blanks and opened the drawer to prove it and they had slid to the back of the drawer. He said he listened to his voicemail and couldn’t even understand what was going on. All I could do is tell him he may need to get his son some therapy for him being used for collateral at the gas station. He’s going to get a lot of mileage out of this one, I’ve never heard him laugh so hard.
This is why I love having people in my life who tell on themselves and who also know I enjoy a hilarious story.
I’ve been laughing since I started writing this story so I just called her and it went to voicemail. I said “I’m just wondering if Child Protective Services stopped by after your son told his story at school today”. She beeped in right after I was done leaving it so I was laughing when I answered. All I could say is “I’m so funny sometimes”. She couldn’t believe I was still laughing. I said “I can believe it”.