Bottom Teeth

I’ve been more than absent lately! I promise to be better, life is CRAZY busy right now but I need to get back to writing.

Well, it happened. He walked in and lo and behold he had bottom teeth in.

In case you missed the top teeth story you can find it here.

This happened a couple of weeks ago and I just didn’t know if I should embarrass myself any more than I already have or not. Well, it’s not like you guys don’t know a whole lot of embarrassing things about me already so I may as well tell you the second half of the story.

I didn’t have anyone else in the bar when he walked in, which was a good thing because it was one of those ‘oh crap’ moments. I knew immediately when he said ‘hi’ that his ship….I mean his bottom teeth….had come in. It was also a dead giveaway when he wasn’t wearing a baseball cap. I was thankful no one else was going to see this.

I poured his drink and proceeded to lean on the cooler and chit chat…….A LOT. I mean, honestly, I couldn’t even help myself. Again, I was staring and staring and staring. Not only had I never seen him without a cap on I had never seen him with ALL his teeth.

He was very quickly becoming an object of my affection and I could not stop myself. I heard myself say “So, where have you been?”, “Oh is that where you always hang out?”, “How are the house renovations coming?” and “I’ll have to come have a drink with you sometime.”. What?? Did I really say all those things? I did and he found it very entertaining, I could tell, he could not stop smiling. Seriously, I have no idea what got into me with this guy. It’s amazing what teeth do for some people.

Well, after about 20 minutes of making an ass out of myself I actually got control and had some normal conversations with him. I’m not sure that helped undo what damage I had done but I sure hope it helped. He left with all parts and pieces in tact and I didn’t even look at his backside when he walked out.

He hasn’t been back since. NOT a good sign.

The Gas Station

I have to share this. It’s too good not to. I received a phone call from a friend this morning, the only way I can relay this story is to try to type it as it happened.

Me: “Hello”

Her: “The most embarrassing thing happened to me this morning, I’m completely humiliated.”

Me: “This ought to be good” (she doesn’t embarrass easily)

Her: “I don’t need your shit, this isn’t funny”

Me: I immediately start to laugh

Her: “I asked (husband) to fill my truck up with gas when he got home from work last night because I’ve been driving for about 25 miles with it beeping at me. When I woke up this morning he wasn’t home so I called him and asked him if he had a sleepover last night because he never came home. He started laughing at me and said he got home after midnight, slept with me and had to be back at work at 5:00 AM this morning.”

Me: “Nice, you slept through him coming home and leaving again.”

Her: “Well that’s not the embarrassing thing. He didn’t have a chance to get gas for me so he left me his credit card on the counter to use for gas. On the way to bring (son) to school I stopped at the gas station to fill up. The new pumps at the station wouldn’t work so I went in to see the cashier, she informed me that they were having trouble and I should just fill up and she’d run the card when I was done. After filling up I went back inside to pay. The card kept saying declined and I kept telling her to try it again, knowing full well there was room on the card. After several tries she gave up. Well, you know me, I didn’t even bring anything with me, no purse no cash, nothing.”

Me: “Oh no.” I’d been hiding a laugh since the beginning of the story and could no longer hold it in.

Her: “*&^%$@ you Peg, this isn’t funny!” While she’s trying really hard not to laugh.

Me: “Hey listen, you called me, how can I not laugh.”

Her: “Anyway, my hands are tied with no money and a credit card that doesn’t work so I tell the cashier that I’m going to leave my son there and run home and get a check blank. There he stood in the gas station while I drove away to go home.”

Me: “You’re kidding me?!! You left him there while you ran home? Couldn’t you have left your driver’s license?”

Her: This portion should be read as if you’re laughing, crying and irate all at the same time because that’s what it was like. She was yelling and her voice was hoarse. “I didn’t have anything else to leave with her. I ran home to grab the checkbook and it wasn’t there. Then I looked where we keep the check blanks and they weren’t there. I was so mad at him (the hubby) because I thought he hid them from me so I tried to call him and he wasn’t answering. I left him scathing messages and told him to be ready to sign divorce papers when he got home. ”

Me: “Pretty sure he didn’t give you a non-working credit card on purpose.”

Her: “Shut up Peg, stop sticking up for him. Anyway, I started digging around the house for money, found a twenty here and a twenty there. Left the house with $76 which was $2 short of what I needed. Thank goodness I found a couple of dollar bills in the truck as I tore that apart too. I headed back to the gas station, still leaving mad messages for him (hubby).”

Me: “Good Lord.” At this point I was picturing her rummaging through her house looking for check blanks and cash, swearing and yelling. I’m also amazed that someone can actually find $76 in their house, pretty sure I’d come up with about $3.52 if I dug around for money. I was laughing uncontrollably. The harder I laughed the harder she laughed and the madder she got.

Her: “I got back to the gas station to pay for my gas and the cashier said “hey sport, your mom is here to get you out of hock. I could have died. Then she looked at me and said “I had trouble with several cards after yours so had to move to the other cash register, seems it was a problem on our end”, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

Me: I couldn’t even speak at this point I was laughing so hard.

As we were on the phone she arrived home and her husband was just getting home from work. I heard her say “leave me alone, I dare you to step in front of the truck, I’ll run you over”, she was laughing so hard she could hardly get the words out. I had to hang up because I couldn’t handle the laughter.

Her husband called me a few minutes later and we laughed our butts off. He said he didn’t hide the check blanks and opened the drawer to prove it and they had slid to the back of the drawer. He said he listened to his voicemail and couldn’t even understand what was going on. All I could do is tell him he may need to get his son some therapy for him being used for collateral at the gas station. He’s going to get a lot of mileage out of this one, I’ve never heard him laugh so hard.

This is why I love having people in my life who tell on themselves and who also know I enjoy a hilarious story.

I’ve been laughing since I started writing this story so I just called her and it went to voicemail. I said “I’m just wondering if Child Protective Services stopped by after your son told his story at school today”. She beeped in right after I was done leaving it so I was laughing when I answered. All I could say is “I’m so funny sometimes”. She couldn’t believe I was still laughing. I said “I can believe it”.

Sleepless in Wisconsin IX

Oh boy, I really thought you had heard the last of my sleep-deprived ramblings but I was so very wrong. You’re a little lucky, I waited 3 nights before I started writing about it again.

I guess I haven’t checked in with you after my sleep clinic…..I got my results back which said I didn’t have sleep apnea, thank you captain obvious, but they did let me know that I wake up almost 20 times an hour due to sudden movements. Whatever that means. To them it meant they prescribed me Trazodone, yup, a depression med that doubles as a sleep aid. I’ve been taking that since I returned from Idaho, almost three weeks and I’ve been sleeping much better.

Some nights I’m super tired or I bartend late so I don’t take it and still sleep pretty well. Now, when I say I’ve been sleeping well, I mean I get a good five hours of sleep, that makes me happy as a pig in poop. I go in for a follow-up next week so I’m going to request they prescribe that by the truckload, we’ll worry about the side effects later or addictions late. I think the list of side affects is the same for this as every other med out there, they just keep adding things to the list.

I did find out from my prescription drug guru, I’d tell you who that is but I’d have to kill you, that once you take this you have about an hour or so window to hit the sheets in order for it to work well. If you happen to blow through that hour and get to the other side, it can have the opposite effect and keep you up for quite some time. That seems to be where I am today, and where I was last night. Idaho called a little late both nights so sleep has eluded me once again.

Tonight I got up and moved to the living room, obviously not looking for something good on TV because we already know how that goes. I also decided I needed to have some nachos while I watch and write, why not make it a full-blown party while I watch people working out on infomercials. Not sure how it is that I can stuff my face at 2:30 AM other than the fact I went to the dentist and didn’t really eat anything after the invasion of my molar. I should be out walking every chance I get after what happened to me on Friday night.

Do you have that pair of jeans that’s so comfortable you just can’t get rid of them? They’re several years old, on their third button, the bottoms are frayed and they’re so light blue they’re almost see-through? That’s exactly what was going on with the pants I wore on Friday night. I was sure I was going to get one more good wear out of them. I did feel that the button may not make it through the night as the two threads holding it on were strained pretty good. No button I can live with. No butt or leg I cannot live with.

The pants made it through the bbq at my house and three bars, truly being troopers. I was headed back to one of the previous bars to pick up someone we left behind and got into the car and felt the left butt cheek area give way. I looked over at the guy sitting in the passenger seat and said “nothing good is going to come out of this”. He looked at me as though I was crazy and then I said “I just ripped my pants”. He laughed and said “oh I’m sure it’s not that bad”. Wow was he wrong.

I got out of the car and pulled my t-shirt down over my butt, hoping to cover the damage. He laughed hysterically when I showed him what was happening and then said, “it will be fine, we’ll be in and out and no one will notice”. Well, he was partially right, at that place no one noticed. As I got in and out of the car again I could feel the rip creeping its way down my leg. Hindsight tells me I should have dropped him off and headed home to change my pants.

We got back to the rest of the group and all hell broke loose from there. There was no covering the damage, not only was I freaking out but with every movement they ripped a little more. Apparently once they were done, they were done. At one point one of my friends decided to be a complete jackpot and grab my pocket and pull. Needless to say that’s all that was needed to rip the pants down my entire left leg and through the bottom, leaving me with a right pants leg and my right butt cheek covered and nothing else. The worst part of this story……..I wasn’t wearing underwear.

After some futile attempts to cover my bare ass, I turned to leave the bar with as much dignity as I could muster, which wasn’t much, and walked out the back door. I got in the car to wait for everyone else to join me. I then had to get out at my house with everyone still in the car laughing to go in and change.

I’m pretty sure when he grabbed my pocket he got more than he bargained for, no one deserved to see that…..well, maybe he did. I’m sure the sight of my cottage cheese thighs and butt cheek are forever burned into his brain, that’s what he gets. Lesson learned for me, don’t wear the pants out of the house that you think have ‘one more wear’ in them.

Oh boy, enough embarrassment for this evening and I think I finally yawned. It’s 3:00 AM and I better try to get a few hours in before I get up for work.