Another’s Gym Story

I love it when people share funny stories with me, especially about themselves. As you well know by now, I think it’s so healthy to be able to laugh at yourself. I received the following story via email today:

If you need to know anything about me, it’s that I’m long winded…. (which is obvious from the below BOOK) maybe if you play your cards right this situation can happen to you too! In retrospect, it was quite thrilling, my average hump day morning doesn’t generally start out with quite a bang!

So I got up at the a$$crack of dawn, went to the gym, got there surprisingly early and was able to actually drop my bag off in the locker room as opposed to dragging it to the spinning room. First. Time. Ever. so proud. (this should’ve been my first indication to turn around and go back home)

As I approached the locker room I noticed a sign hanging near the door but didn’t thoroughly read it. I got a locker, shoved my stuff in and headed to class. After class I headed back to the locker room half dead, I once again didn’t thoroughly read the lengthy sign hanging on the door, but this time did notice that it said ‘closed’ and ‘Friday’ was highlighted, I thought to myself ‘whatever, it’s Wednesday’. Coincidentally, I additionally noticed the locker room door was propped open, that seemed a bit weird but I still didn’t pay too much attention.

I got to my locker, felt lucky that I was the only one in the usually busy locker room, and as a result was pretty stoked that I should easily get the best shower in the joint! (bonus!) I undressed, wrapped myself in the tiny excuse of a towel (slightly bigger than a hand towel), did a little putzing in my bag looking for my shampoo…when suddenly I hear this SUPER loud noise, like something being dragged across the floor…then in the mirrors I noticed that the something being dragged across the floor was actually a giant workbench being pushed by 4 MALE workers!!! DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, more like HALF NAKED DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had nowhere to go because I was stuck in a U-shaped bank of lockers, a complete dead end! As I’m having a heart attack trying to calmly plan an escape route in my head, they finish pushing the damn workbench. Conveniently they stopped right in front of my row of lockers, they still hadn’t noticed me since I was basically stuffed half way in my locker, stealthily watching the fully clothed men in the mirrors. At this point I’m in a complete panic wondering how the F I’m going to get out of this pickle. I threw in my chips and finally peeked my head around the locker door and politely said “I’m going to get dressed and get out of your way” they all were VERY surprised to say the least and quickly (but not quick enough) moved to the back of the locker room away from my locker. I abruptly grab all my crap and bolt for one of the changing stalls down the way from my locker only to be met by yet another flippin fully clothed man, he stopped to let me cross his path, such a gentleman, and I muttered the same line to him as he snickered on by.

Yep, that’s how I started my day. Needless to say I threw my clothes back on and went to the other locker room, which was full of much smarter women who obviously read signs and don’t undress in locker rooms that have doors open. Ahhhh.

The only consolation is that because I merrily took my time putzing in my bag searching for shampoo, I didn’t actually make it into the shower before the clothed men arrived. That would’ve been a bit more horrifying, if that’s even possible.

I completely appreciate stories like that as I know I am not alone. The other funny part is she mentioned to me the name of the company these fully clothed men were working for and I know guys who work there!! I can’t wait to hear their side of the story.

Dream Job

I used to say that my dream job would be taking vacations for those people who never took them. I’d travel with their family to wherever they wanted to go, take pictures and eat their favorite foods. So many people have no ‘time’ to take vacations and allow their vacation days to expire or just keep rolling them over. I’m a firm believer in vacations but I’ve decided that is not my dream job anymore. Why? Because I’d have to travel with their families, take pictures and eat their favorite foods, that’s why. Thinking about it more in-depth I realized I can’t travel with just anyone and when you find someone you don’t like to travel with it can be miserable.

I traveled for work for about a two-year stretch and traveled with approximately 20 different people (that’s not counting the 45 people I traveled with on a bus to Indianapolis for a trade show, that’s for a completely different post). I would dare to bet that if I had the choice I would only pick 10 to 12 of the 20 to travel with again. Not because I don’t like them, because our traveling styles are completely different.

You find out what people are really made of when you’re stranded at an airport, getting frisked, need help hauling work materials, or driving in traffic. Some of that is very scary. I’ve been in Detroit overnight with a coworker (and a random guy from the re-ticketing line), I’ve had to take off a suit jacket and get frisked in a see-through tank top standing in front of a window where my coworkers were watching, I’ve been left behind because a coworker was more worried about their one bag than the 5 I had to carry containing work materials and I’ve been lost in New Jersey because of bad directions. You will probably hear about all of those things as each one has quite the story.

There are trips that I’ve actually prayed would come to an end because of the sheer misery of the situation and the person I was traveling with. On the other hand there have been trips I prayed would never end because of the fun we were having.

After I traveled for work and couldn’t pick my travel partners was when I decided my dream job was no longer my dream job. I was going to pick the people I take my personal vacations with. It’s time I move on and find a new dream job. I’ll let you know what I decide.

Sleepless in Wisconsin III

Whew, we’ve got to stop meeting like this!! I mean, it’s 1:50 AM and here I am once again on the couch, writing, wondering why I’m not having some spectacular dream (which doesn’t usually happen anyway) and cursing my crappy sleep habits. Tonight’s non-sleeping issue is especially irritating because I didn’t get off the phone until midnight and didn’t go to sleep until about 12:30. Yup, 12:30, just over an hour ago. Yup, 12:30, TODAY!! This is the craziest damn thing, all I can think of is what the hell is wrong with me….well, could be several things but we’re not going to go there.

This morning I’m thinking that I might be able to find something good on TV or at least something that will put me to sleep but I realize late-night TV is crap….and I mean crap!!

I’m settling on ESPN for once. I did miss some of the highlights as I haven’t been home a lot so this will give me a chance to catch up.

Well, it’s now 3:07 and I’ve caught up on sports, that’s for sure. After SportsCenter it switched over to NFL Primetime which is SportsCenter on football steroids and now we’re back to SportsCenter. I have now watched every highlight about 4 times. Every other show is nothing but SportsCenter, you’re not fooling me. I’m not sure how guys can watch these things over and over again because he still makes the catch, he still drops the ball, he still steps out-of-bounds at the one yard line, she still gets fined $2000 for yelling at the ref (really?), he still hit a home run, the damn Vikings still lost and the Gophers coach still has a seizure!!! How many times do we need to watch the highlights (or lowlights)?

It’s amazing to me how people can watch this stuff over and over and over again and act like it’s the first time they saw it. Ohhhh, when they come back from the commercial now they’re going to tell me who the best of the best of the best was. I can’t wait, I bet it’s something I haven’t seen yet……..or not.

I think Jerry Springer is on somewhere, perhaps I should get an ego boost quick before I try to go to bed again. This show makes my life look like a walk in the park as my parents weren’t cousins, my boyfriend isn’t sleeping with my sister, I’m not pregnant and not sure which of 6 men is my baby’s daddy and I’m not going to lose my shirt on national TV when I get in a fight with my aunt because I’ve been sleeping with her newest husband. Nevermind, that was enough of an ego boost for me not to have to watch it.

Hey, guess what? Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and the Vikings lost….haven’t heard that yet tonight!!

Sidewalk Finds

Two coworkers of mine ran across a pair of dirty (and they meant DIRTY) men’s underwear on the sidewalk in downtown Duluth a couple of weeks ago. Now, this isn’t really what I was thinking I would write about when I started this blog but we couldn’t help but laugh thinking about the scenarios for why they would be there.

A homeless guy decided that enough was enough, he’d gotten the wear out of them he needed.
A drunk had an accident at some point and realized that he couldn’t go on any further without discarding them.
Some guy had Mexican for lunch and couldn’t quite make it back to the office.
It was laundry day and they were in the basket (God only knows why he would try to salvage these) and they fell out.
A homeless guy may have lost them out of a shopping cart or his pocket while he was walking, but again, why was he saving them? From the description the girls gave they were un-salvageable.
He could have put them there on purpose to cause just this sort of reaction. But again, I have to stress, they WERE NOT clean so he would have had to soil them at some point. I would think anyone would want to hide the evidence, not flaunt it.

Now, none of these scenarios is a good and here are the reasons why:

If someone had been wearing them and decided he couldn’t live with them anymore how in the hell did he get them off? He would have had to take his shoes and pants off, then the underwear, then put the pants and shoes back on. All in the middle of the sidewalk.
It could have been a cross-dresser and he just slipped them off from under a skirt.
If they had been in a laundry basket, there is not a laundry mat anywhere close so he perhaps had to get on a bus, which brings a whole new scenario.
The poor Clean and Safe Team, although it may not be the worst thing they’ve ever seen, give these good people a break.

My advice is throw them away people, bury them in the trash or burn them in the back yard. There is no need to share them with the world.

Falling Funny

It seems funny fell into my yard the other day. Here she is:

Now, I have no kids, the immediate neighbors on each side of me have no kids and the people directly across the alley have no kids. It certainly wasn’t there the day before, she was very noticeable when we walked out so we would have noticed her. She’s a little thing, about 4 inches high or so.

I wonder how she got there, especially head down. And not just head down but feet straight in the air head down. Did she jump off my roof to try to commit toy suicide? She looks like she’s been put through the ringer so perhaps a child finally got sick of her and tossed her, but from where? Did she fall from the sky? Perhaps she was flushed in an airplane miles above me.

We found this whole thing incredibly funny and the possibilities of how she got there became ridiculous. Not sure if it really was that funny or if it was the company we were keeping and the made up stories that took place. She looks a bit rough but she’s okay.

Gym-Bound

I’m going to join the gym, again. This obviously isn’t the first time and it will not be the last I’m sure. But right now, I’m doing it, I’m going to join the gym. I’m excited, I’m joining with one of my friends, I figure the buddy system is the best way to go, not only for moral support but to be there to document the good stuff.

Last time I was gym-bound I had a buddy as well but she didn’t always want to get up in the mornings so I would go by myself.

The following near death experience is why I quit going last time.

My normal workout was 45 minutes on the elliptical, sometimes I would even bike or walk the treadmill, I really thought I was doing great. One particular morning I decided on the treadmill, there was only one other ‘exerciser’ in the room.

Since I had been working out for months and could do a pretty good pace on the elliptical I thought I would try to jog, what a better time then when the place is empty, right? I walked at a pretty good pace for about 10 minutes and then upped it to a slow jog, now, when I say slow, it’s pretty darn slow. Here’s how it went:

This is great, I can do this
Watch out Grandma’s marathon, here I come
I wonder if I should speed it up a little
Whew, getting winded, wonder if it’s been 5 minutes?
This is harder than I thought, did this thing speed itself up?
Legs are tightening up
I wonder if the other exerciser can see me struggle?
I look over to see him through a blur.
Is this thing speeding up more?
I’m losing my eyesight, my God, I’m going blind!
I’m losing consciousness!
I wonder if the other exerciser will call 911?
I’m screaming for help but nothing is coming out
Apparently he’s not going to call 911 for me
I stab at the machine until it slows way down
I remove myself from the devil machine, looking around for oxygen
I drag a leg over to the water cooler
I look around wondering if he saw me
I check the time, so sure it’s been 10 minutes…….
47 seconds!
I almost died at 47 seconds from jogging
Eff this, I’m going back to the elliptical……

I sure hope my new workouts go better than my last. I will keep you posted.

Sleepless in Wisconsin II

Here we go again, watching the overnight bad news of the weekend and wondering why I’m not snuggled up and sleeping peacefully like my company. Nope, I’m awake, on the couch wishing once again someone had a large frying pan to knock me out with.

Tonight I won’t tell you what ridiculous things I’ve been thinking about but I will share some points of his visit.

Trip home through several construction zones
Meat raffle
Burgers at Anchor Bar
Strip club (nothing I can talk about here)
Headaches
McDonalds
Garage sales
Nap
Dinner with friends
Drinks with friends
A hilarious bear story (if I ever figure out how to make it half as funny as it was I will write about it)
Company mows my lawn (yes I felt guilty about it….for a minute)
A drive through construction to friends in Spooner
A bean bag tournament
A severely dislocated finger and a trip to the ER (the host of the day)
Stories around the fire (nothing that I can ever repeat here)
A drive through construction back home
A displaced rib (company)
Nap
Phone calls to friends for some sort of pain killers
Grilling and fire at home
Phone calls to chiropractors for help
Trip to chiropractor
Nap
Trip to chiropractor
Phone calls to more friends for more pain killers (yes I realize this is bad but he’s in some massive pain)
Trip to pick up said drugs
Dinner and fire with friends at home (discussing events from strip club)

After making this list I see we have spent a good portion of time in construction, napping and tending to injuries. I can’t decide if that’s a good or a bad thing. I do know we’ve done lots of laughing and we had a great time despite an injury that’s still killing him. I feel bad about sending him home like that.

I am now so delirious I’m contemplating stealing some pain killers from him that we ‘borrowed’ from someone else. I better go back to bed before I pilfer through his stuff…..I think the little shit is trying to hide them from me.

The Lawnmower

In honor of Following Funny’s three year anniversary, I’m going to republish my first ever post. I know it’s some people’s favorite. Thanks for a great three years and here’s to many more.

This first “official” post doesn’t necessarily put me in a great light but I figure if you can’t laugh at yourself you’re not going to be laughing much anywhere else either.

Early in the summer the lawnmower died and I had been anxiously waiting for my landlord to bring a new one, here’s what happened when I finally got it.

It was Thursday so I had stopped at the meat raffle (yes, I said meat raffle) and had about 4 beers
I got home to find this new lawn mower waiting for me
I notice my duplex neighbor’s truck at home which was irritating because he hadn’t already put it together
Still excited to have this new piece of equipment, I decide I can do this myself and get to work on putting it together
Get the handle done (this is going to be a cake walk)
Get the pull cord done (wow am I busting through this)
Struggle with the bag (who makes you put the bag together?)
Struggle with the bag some more (you’ve got to be kidding me, it’s only 2 pieces!!)
Start to cry (I hate my neighbor)
Stare at the 2 pieces (no way do these go together)
Cry some more (I hate my neighbor)
In through the nose, out through the mouth moment to get myself on track
FINALLY get it together and on the mower
Put the oil in (no problem, back on track)
Grab gas can…..Out of gas (I hate my neighbor)
Almost crying again, but controlling myself, I run to the gas station with small gas can and fill it up
Spill gas in the back seat of the car (did I mention my new car) all over floor mat
Cry again (harder this time)
Get home to see neighbor leaving all dressed up
He says “man, is it ever going to get warm”
I freak out like Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and say in a slightly demonic voice “couldn’t you help with the mower?”
He says “didn’t know it was here”
I say “She tried to call you” (meaning landlord)
Neighbor looks at me and leaves thinking perhaps I need to be committed
I cry some more
Put gas in and overflow the tank all over the new mower
I cry so hard I have to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt
Pull myself together
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Tears of anger now
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Bawling like a 4-year-old throwing a tantrum
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Scream at the top of my lungs
The neighbors dogs start barking
Sob
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Swear
Scream
Cry
Swear
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Give up and go inside the house
Call guy in Idaho (a story for another time)
He says “My God, what’s wrong, are you okay”
I say “the brand new lawn mower is kicking my ass”
He says “what do you mean, slow down and breathe”
I tell the story almost in tears, starting to realize I really sound like a whiney girl
He is trying to be nice and we attempt to troubleshoot why it may not start

and then I say…

“I cried when I tried to put the bag together”
He laughs uncontrollably for 5 minutes, attempting to talk between giggles (he cries when he laughs)
I give up completely on lawn mower and being mad because his laugh is contagious
We laugh for another 10 minutes

The next day I have to ask the neighbor to help me start the mower which took about 40 more pulls and some swearing on his part – I felt much better after that.