People of Wal-Mart

Now, I refuse to post the people of Wal-Mart photos here as there is a website dedicated to them (click here).  However, I received an email today with some new photos and I haven’t had one for a few months.  I’m not going to lie, to see these boosts my ego.  I sometimes wonder if these people are planted and they pose for these photos, today I realize a majority of them are probably true though.  Here’s why:

  • Some heavy women tend to think they look good in anything, including fish net stockings and a mini-skirt that’s 3 sizes too small. You can find this at any state fair.
  • People don’t read what’s on their shirts, front or back.  I have seen a VERY large woman in a restaurant with a shirt on that said “Big Daddy”.  You really put that on to go into public?
  • Just because you’re skinny doesn’t mean you can show off everything, that includes muffin tops, tattoos, butt cracks and butt cheeks.  I see this all the time, even at work.
  • I understand you might be crazy, but don’t advertise it by wearing your hospital gown, your pink size 13 high heels (men) or your lingerie to the store.  I work in downtown Duluth, I see these things on a weekly basis.
  • No one would walk into a public place with a poop stain in the shorts willingly, no way, no how.  No way that one is fake!

I believe these pictures could be labeled, People of the State Fair, People of the County Fair, People of My Hometown or People at the Flea Market.  They are everywhere, some of us may even be these people from time to time, I have some items I wear walking that should not be for public consumption. 

My advice to you:  cover it up, buy it big enough, wear underwear smaller than your shorts, check out the damage after some bad gas and for the love of God read very carefully what your shirt says before you wear it in public.

Sleepless in Wisconsin II

Here we go again, watching the overnight bad news of the weekend and wondering why I’m not snuggled up and sleeping peacefully like my company.   Nope, I’m awake, on the couch wishing once again someone had a large frying pan to knock me out with.

Tonight I won’t tell you what ridiculous things I’ve been thinking about but I will share some points of his visit.

  • Trip home through several construction zones
  • Meat raffle
  • Burgers at Anchor Bar
  • Strip club (nothing I can talk about here)
  • Headaches
  • McDonalds
  • Garage sales
  • Nap
  • Dinner with friends
  • Drinks with friends
  • A hilarious bear story (if I ever figure out how to make it half as funny as it was I will write about it)
  • Company mows my lawn (yes I felt guilty about it….for a minute)
  • A drive through construction to friends in Spooner
  • A bean bag tournament
  • A severely dislocated finger and a trip to the ER (the host of the day)
  • Stories around the fire (nothing that I can ever repeat here)
  • A drive through construction back home
  • A displaced rib  (company)
  • Nap
  • Phone calls to friends for some sort of pain killers
  • Grilling and fire at home
  • Phone calls to chiropractors for help
  • Trip to chiropractor
  • Nap
  • Trip to chiropractor
  • Phone calls to more friends for more pain killers (yes I realize this is bad but he’s in some massive pain)
  • Trip to pick up said drugs
  • Dinner and fire with friends at home (discussing events from strip club)

After making this list I see we have spent a good portion of time in construction, napping and tending to injuries.  I can’t decide if that’s a good or a bad thing.  I do know we’ve done lots of laughing and we had a great time despite an injury that’s still killing him.  I feel bad about sending him home like that.

I am now so delirious I’m contemplating stealing some pain killers from him that we ‘borrowed’ from someone else.  I better go back to bed before I pilfer through his stuff…..I think the little shit is trying to hide them from me.

Movies

The summer movie list I re-posted last week made me think of something I made notes on years ago, I finally found that list.  I love watching movies and I love taking home tidbits from those movies.  Here’s the first list:

The Goonies – Always be nice to the big ugly guy, he’ll come through for you in the end.
Uncle Buck – Act like a lunatic if you want someone to be scared of you.
Great Outdoors – Never mess with a bald bear.
The Sandlot – Never swallow snuff your first time.
A League of Their Own – Go big or go home.
Men at Work – Leave the dead guy where you found him.
The Lion King – You should always have a motto.
Tommy Boy – Don’t put on your skinny friend’s clothes.

I’ll share more later.  This is just a drop in the bucket.

Moments

I read a post this morning that was one of those ‘I’m not alone in this world’ realizations.  Makes me feel so much better that others have those ‘moments’ that we’ve all experienced, yes boys, even you have those moments, I’ve seen them first hand.

My advice to all………find the humor in them when they’re all said and done.  Makes for a great story.

Summer Movies

I read a great post today. My favorite listed is The Sandlot.  I find it hilarious.  I use several one-liners from this movie…..no sense recreating the wheel, right?  Here are a few of my favorite lines:

You’re killin’ me Smalls!
You play ball like a GIRL!
FOREVVEEERRRR
He had kissed a woman and he had kissed her long and good.

It’s a must-watch along with the others on the list.  Please do yourself a favor and have a movie night.

Reviews

Who knew you could follow funny by reading hotel/resort reviews.  I find the things some people write about hilarious.  Here are some examples I remember when I was looking at reviews in March:

……I have stayed at this resort several times and each time has been below my expectations…..Really??  Ya think? I have an idea…STOP STAYING THERE!  Do you think they magically changed since the last time you were there?  If not, perhaps you should lower your expectations when you go there next time.

the hotel was fabulous but they continually tried to sell us a timeshare, it was terrible, they called us every day…….Wow, I find that shocking and despicable, especially since you’re staying at a place that’s a timeshare and you probably got the room super cheap because you agreed to go to a timeshare presentation.  What did you think they would do, forget to remind you to show up?  That’s how they make money, it’s their job.

…….the toilet paper in our room was very rough and we had to go buy our own……Oh boy, you have nothing else to write about? You took time to actually type that? Seriously, the tp is all you’ve got? Not the food was bad or the service sucked?  Personally, I’m more worried about things like Montezuma’s Revenge, bed bugs, murders, gangs, sharks, not the tp is scratchy and there’s a chance of a breakthrough.  I’ll take my chances if the resort is stellar, tp isn’t going to help with my decision at all. Come on people, give me some information I can use.

As I’m writing I’m wondering if this would be good therapy on days when I’m feeling like everything is wrong.  I could read a couple of bad reviews to resorts and think “it could be worse, I could be that person complaining about something insignificant.”  I’ll try it, what can it hurt, at least I’ll have something to laugh about.

The Lawnmower

In honor of Following Funny’s three year anniversary, I’m going to republish my first ever post. I know it’s some people’s favorite. Thanks for a great three years and here’s to many more.

This first “official” post doesn’t necessarily put me in a great light but I figure if you can’t laugh at yourself you’re not going to be laughing much anywhere else either.

Early in the summer the lawnmower died and I had been anxiously waiting for my landlord to bring a new one, here’s what happened when I finally got it.

It was Thursday so I had stopped at the meat raffle (yes, I said meat raffle) and had about 4 beers
I got home to find this new lawn mower waiting for me
I notice my duplex neighbor’s truck at home which was irritating because he hadn’t already put it together
Still excited to have this new piece of equipment, I decide I can do this myself and get to work on putting it together
Get the handle done (this is going to be a cake walk)
Get the pull cord done (wow am I busting through this)
Struggle with the bag (who makes you put the bag together?)
Struggle with the bag some more (you’ve got to be kidding me, it’s only 2 pieces!!)
Start to cry (I hate my neighbor)
Stare at the 2 pieces (no way do these go together)
Cry some more (I hate my neighbor)
In through the nose, out through the mouth moment to get myself on track
FINALLY get it together and on the mower
Put the oil in (no problem, back on track)
Grab gas can…..Out of gas  (I hate my neighbor)
Almost crying again, but controlling myself, I run to the gas station with small gas can and fill it up
Spill gas in the back seat of the car (did I mention my new car) all over floor mat
Cry again (harder this time)
Get home to see neighbor leaving all dressed up
He says “man, is it ever going to get warm”
I freak out like Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and say in a slightly demonic voice “couldn’t you help with the mower?”
He says “didn’t know it was here”
I say “She tried to call you” (meaning landlord)
Neighbor looks at me and leaves thinking perhaps I need to be committed
I cry some more
Put gas in and overflow the tank all over the new mower
I cry so hard I have to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt
Pull myself together
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Tears of anger now
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Bawling like a 4-year-old throwing a tantrum
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Scream at the top of my lungs
The neighbors dogs start barking
Sob
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Swear
Scream
Cry
Swear
Attempt to start lawn mower (10 pulls)
Give up and go inside the house
Call guy in Idaho (a story for another time)
He says “My God, what’s wrong, are you okay”
I say “the brand new lawn mower is kicking my ass”
He says “what do you mean, slow down and breathe”
I tell the story almost in tears, starting to realize I really sound like a whiney girl
He is trying to be nice and we attempt to troubleshoot why it may not start

and then I say…

“I cried when I tried to put the bag together”
He laughs uncontrollably for 5 minutes, attempting to talk between giggles (he cries when he laughs)
I give up completely on lawn mower and being mad because his laugh is contagious
We laugh for another 10 minutes

The next day I have to ask the neighbor to help me start the mower which took about 40 more pulls and some swearing on his part – I felt much better after that.

Hello!

Welcome to Following Funny

One of my coworkers said something to me the other day that kind of hit home.  He said “something funny always happens to you, nothing funny ever happens to me”.  My answer was “nothing funny happens to you because you don’t look for it”.  And that got me thinking…..what is really funny? How do we notice funny?  Am I the only one that sees funny things?

I do know that I am not the only one that sees funny things.

I also know that funny is everywhere, you just have to notice it.  Hopefully you will follow funny and funny will start following you.