Tag: humor

Life’s Little Pleasures

In my last post I talked about having to buy new socks.  Ohhhh, new socks, one of life’s little pleasures.   Not sure if any of you have those but I sure do.  Here are my top 5:

New socks:  Obviously.  They’re not stretched out, no stains on them, no pills, not thin in any spots, they’re just perfect.  Some day, I will have enough money so I can always have new socks.  LOL.

Making all the green lights:  On my way to the gym in the morning there isn’t much traffic; however, I love making all the green lights on 2nd street.  Two mornings in a row, just before I got to the first light it turned green and I literally said “SWEET” out loud.  I knew that they would all turn just before I got to them, as long as I didn’t drive too far over the speed limit.  Oh how sweet life is when the timing is just perfect.

Fresh mown grass:  I mowed the lawn tonight, or at least I think I did.  I had a very quick dinner out with a friend, a very quick run to K-Mart and then home to attempt to get the lawn done by dark.  There I was, sun setting, in flip-flops and some yoga pants, not even sure I had a shirt on, mowing the damp grass.  My mower hated every minute of it and so did I.  Pretty sure I sprinted (and you know by sprinted I mean waddled quickly) to get the front lawn done.  Just as I couldn’t see anymore I parked the mower in the back without mowing it.  I  guess I got the important part that most people see completed.  Tomorrow I will enjoy this life’s little pleasure as I couldn’t see it this evening.

A well-needed phone call:  This morning my phone rang at 7:00.  Idaho called and was in an exceptionally good mood for 6:00 his time.  He called because he’s been forgetting to tell me that my Golden Hamsters (the Gophers) lost on Saturday 56 – 0.  Apparently he thought that was the funniest thing that could ever happen because he giggled for about 3o minutes.  I couldn’t help but laugh along with him, as I’ve said before his laugh is completely contagious.  During a difficult day at work I could think back on that phone call and smile.  He’s completely ridiculous but he makes my day and makes me laugh.  As I’ve stated so many times, laughter is so important. 

Clean sheets:  Oh, I’ve saved the best for last.  Clean sheet night is a little slice of heaven here on earth.  This is a big deal for me each week (yes, I realize I’m sad and pathetic).  Not only does clean sheet night mean clean sheets, it means a clean room, candles, a made bed and a clean closet.  It’s quite the affair.  While the sheets are in the wash, I light candles, pick up my room, hang up all the clothes in my closet and wait patiently.  When my sheets are done and I make the bed, I really make the bed, completely made, decorative pillows and everything.  Candles still going so the room smells great, nothing lying around, no empty water bottles, no kleenex, nothing.  Spic and span.  These nights I go to bed as early as possible but not before I shower.  It is a mortal sin to not shower prior to crawling into bed on clean sheet night.

The Benefit

Yesterday I bartended for a benefit for a friend.  When I say bartended I mean bartended.  Let me start off by saying what an absolutely wonderful day it was.  The weather was great, the turn-out was spectacular and the teamwork was outstanding.

My bartending partner was a good friend of mine who bartends for a living, that will be a good piece of information to keep in mind as you work your way through this story.  Several others’ helped us out during potty breaks, smoke breaks, a dinner break, times when it was too much for us to handle and keeping us stocked with plenty of product.  It was really amazing to see, for a group of people who don’t work together all the time the synchronization was awesome.

Now that I have told the serious portion of the day, I better tell the funny parts of the day as well.  I realized about the time I got home at 2:30 AM that you can’t bartend for 13 hours and not have a bunch of funny things to choose from so I’ll share a few.

Around 3:00 PM we realized that this was going to be a day like none other, we had already been busy for 3 plus hours and realized that we were only going to get busier.  We had stocked the soda in the cooler 4 times and the beer needed restocking already.  Panic ensues when you realize that you’re selling beverages at a breakneck pace wondering if there will be enough to get you through the night because if you don’t you will need riot gear and the bomb squad because things will get ugly.  Wide-eyed and laughing we kept serving.

Around 5:00 PM my ankles started a boycott that would last the next 8 hours.  They apparently don’t realize we’ve been going to the gym and they’ve been carrying around this weight for years because they were complaining quite loudly.  Today it seems that my ankle bones don’t exist and I think I should be calling them cankles, by the time we were done at 12:45 AM they were spilling over the tops of my running shoes.  When the night started I really thought they of all things would be cooperative, I was more worried about my knees and my back but they were troopers and held up well.  I did try to walk as gingerly as I could but that only made it look like I was waddling.  I’m sure it goes without saying but at this point my in-shape counterpart was not waddling at all.

Around 7:15 we took a short dinner break which was much-needed.  The bad part of this was that my feet joined in on the loud complaining my ankles had been doing.   Sitting down at that point was a really bad idea because attempting to get up from my chair was a major event.  My waddle had turned into a full-blown limp.  At this point I also have to question running shoes.   Is there a weight limit to running shoes? There’s no way I was putting more wear and tear on them than a runner and my feet were not happy in them.  One more reason on my list of why not to run.

At about 8:00 my underwear decided to join in the fun.  They just gave up, said screw it and completely gave up, they couldn’t even make the whole shift.  How was the rest of me supposed to make it through the night if they couldn’t?  The elastic had endured enough and gave out.  I’m sure you can imagine how comfortable this was, the waistband had made its way below my butt cheeks and stayed there, for no other reason than they couldn’t go any further because of my pants.  I guess it was a good thing I had pants on.  This added yet another element to the waddle and limp I already had.  I’d put a name to it but I don’t think there is one.  Needless to say, my counterpart did not have underwear issues, a waddle or a limp.

Around 10:00 I decided the underwear had to go so made my way to the bathroom which was a major feat in itself.  Hoping I could get my jeans off without taking my shoes off I sat down to make the attempt at separation.  Well, long story short, it didn’t work, no way was I getting my jeans off without taking my shoes off and no way was I taking my shoes off!  I figured if I took my shoes off it would be bartending suicide.  I didn’t have a scissors on me to cut them off so stood up, pulled them up as far as I could, wore them like a thong and went back to work.  The original underwear swagger was gone but a new one took its place.

Around 11:30 we got punchy.  I got a second wind, my ankles didn’t feel like they were going to snap at any moment and everything was funny.  My counterpart and I really started to notice the condition of many of the patrons and found it hilarious.  Although we were still busy, we did have some breathing room at times to enjoy the show that was playing out in front of us.

The jukebox was playing its heart out and one end of the bar was using that as an excuse to show off their singing ability, or lack there of.  The other end of the bar had drunk their fill, including the toothless guy who brought his own mix and was now crying.  The silent auction tables were gone so another group of people turned that portion of the bar into a dance floor and believe me, I use the term dance loosely.  The woman who was drinking “Budweiser in a can bottle” (which is how she ordered it every time because we didn’t have bottles, only cans) had spilled for the third time all over the bar and the guy next to her.

About 12:45 we finally gave up and handed the reigns over to the others who had worked their butts off not only helping us but keeping everything else in line.  I felt rode hard and put up wet while my counterpart seemed to have the energy to endure more but I couldn’t let her as I thought it would make me look bad.  I took my waddle, limp and bad underwear to a seat on the other side of the bar.  We sat next to a couple of our friends to share laughs about the day and stories of boycotting body parts and pieces of clothing.

Versatile Blogger Award

Apparently someone nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award.  I appreciate it from a fellow blogger.  Broke Wife, Big City was kind enough to pass the nomination on to me.  From what I can tell, there are rules to this award, one of which is I have to list 7 random things about me.  Here goes the 7 things…..

  • I’m a Monday night TV junkie. 
  • I like to find dive bars wherever I travel to, places where not a lot of people go and you don’t have to worry about what you wear or who you are.  This bar will preferably have shag carpet on the walls, two old guys playing cribbage and a crabby bartender that loosens up after he/she “gets to know” you.
  • I’m from a small town in central Minnesota, my parents knew what I did about 3 minutes after I did it.   You have to love coming home to all the lights on and them standing in the kitchen to have a little chat.
  • My Mom once picked me up from a party in her bathrobe, she came in the house asking people where I was.  All my classmates saw her.  I was never late again.
  • I’m deathly scared of snakes, nutcrackers and striped sheets.  Don’t ask, I have no idea.
  • I would love to travel to Australia.
  • I would never kick Jason Aldean out of bed….unless of course he wanted to do it on the floor.  I know he’s married but…..a girl has to have one fantasy.

Another rule is to nominate 15 other bloggers for this award.  Thank goodness I’ve been reading Freshly Pressed and doing some searching to see what others are up to.  Here’s my best shot:

Barb’s Blast – A funny read

Not Quite Old – A great perspective

Minnesota Transplant – God love Minnesota

The Reviews Are In – Love the football and food segments

All Write – He wrote about The Hole in the Wall and I love books

Chuck Cotton – The bacon scenes blog is the best

An Attempt at Humor – Funny

Jen Aussie Adventure – I’m a fan of Australia

Sweet and Weak – Great concept

Coffee and Bare Feet – Not enough kids are willing to be advocates for God

The Biz of Pacelinebiz – Long-time blogger

Changing My Life in a Year (more or less) – A fellow struggler

Elementary My Dear Reader – Love movies and books

What I Meant 2 Say – Honest

Winnemucca Move – My friend Jena who has moved to Nevada and has a great outlook on the situation.

Whew, that’s a lot of information for an award that doesn’t allow me to do an acceptance speech on stage and have the teleprompter tell me to wrap up for 6 minutes until they finally go to commercial.  This post will have to do.

Thank you, I am truly honored.

Gym Orientation

I did not think that I would write about the gym so much!  I now realize the gym is a breeding ground for funny in so many ways.

Last week I had weight orientation with a wonderful trainer.  Weight orientation is where they show you the machines, ask what your trouble spots are (like they can’t see) and get you started on a good weight routine.  We also laughed a lot, not sure that’s the normal routine but it worked for me.

Well, first of all, I really just thought she was going to show us the machines and explain them… oh no, we had to try them out, etc.  I was a little late getting there so I had my work clothes on and left my work-out clothes in the car. 

How nice to be trying out the machines in dress shoes, jeans and a white sweater (of course with a stain from lunch on it).  People were looking at me like I was crazy.  About half-way through the orientation one of my underwires decided to attempt to escape and was poking me in a not so great place.  When those things happen there’s no lady-like way to fix it other than grabbing, pulling, shifting and maneuvering.  So tough being a woman sometimes.

As we were finishing up I did see a fellow with jeans and a Larry The Cable Guy flannel on using work gloves as weight lifting gloves so I didn’t feel so bad.  The gloves even looked like they might have had a little residue left on them from the farming he’d done earlier.

Gotta love us rednecks going to the gym.  Maybe I’ll pick up a pair of those gloves this week for my weight work-outs.

Funny Blog Search

This blogging thing is interesting.  There’s so much I have yet to learn not only about writing but about blogging itself.

I was looking at my site stats today and noticed there is an area called Search Terms.  Obviously this is what someone searched for when they found my page.  I read through that list tonight and pretty much wet my pants.  Giggled for a good 20 minutes before I could even share the one that REALLY caught my eye. 

The search term:  naked mud riding parties. 

Now, I’m no prude but I have no idea what the hell that is.  I know what mud wrestling is but the word riding brings a whole new element.  Do you bring your own saddle?  Enough of that, I better not speculate on what it might be or why someone was searching for it, I’ve also resisted any temptation to search for that myself because I really don’t want to know, not tonight anyway.  It might be disturbing and I’m here by myself.

I wonder how disappointed that person was when they clicked on my blog?  Is that one of those “damn search engines never give me what I want moments”?  Perhaps my blog ruined a ‘special moment’ they were trying to have, sorry buddy. 

I’m certainly going to watch the search terms closer now, maybe there’s an untapped market of readership out there I have no idea about!!

At The Gym II

Uff da.  Today was day 5 at the gym and I’ve witnessed more than I thought I ever would in a mere 5 days.  Some of these things are funny, some are disturbing and some are cute.  As days go on I’m sure there will be more but here are some quick observations.

There is a group of men that hang out on the bench outside of the locker room each morning.  I arrive about 6:10 AM and it seems they’re already into some very intense conversations.  The gym opens at 5:30 AM so I’m not sure if they’ve worked out already, are waiting for the machines (which is a no), are watching the women or they’re just there for coffee.  I wonder how long my insurance company would reimburse me each month if I just started to check in to have a coffee clutch with the old guys.  It’s interesting, the women don’t do that.

What the women do do, is walk around and weigh themselves naked.  I know I mentioned this already but the more I’m there the more I realize that I see more naked women in the mornings than I have ever cared to.  I don’t even like looking at myself naked let alone anyone else.  If they’re not naked, there are parts of some sort hanging out.   I’ve come to the conclusion, naked isn’t all that good looking, sexy, handsome, whatever you want to say.  I was talking to the man about this and he put it a good way, he said, “no one really looks that great naked, but when you’re with the one you care about, naked becomes about something different, you are looking at that person in a different way, not just as an object”.  That was a great answer, a nice way to say, “honey you look really bad naked”, but a great answer nonetheless.  No matter what age we are, parts aren’t always where they’re supposed to be, naked isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I’ve realized some people are disgusting.  This morning I watched a woman move from machine to machine in her well-planned work-out.  I saw her on a total of 6 machines, great, awesome, good job……however, she didn’t wipe any of the machines off!!! She was sweating worse than me on the elliptical (and that’s a lot) so she was dripping everywhere.  Honestly sister, have some consideration for the poor soul going on it after you.  My saga with her does not end there sadly enough, when she came into the locker room, she put her clothes (sports bra and shorts) into the bathing suit dryer! Really?  Your sweaty, stinky, probably non-washed clothes in the same place I dry my swimsuit? Honestly, gross.

Now to end my ramblings on a better note, for the last two mornings an elderly couple (and I mean elderly) has been there.  She rides a bicycle in sweats, a shirt, a zip up sweatshirt and a jacket and he is standing next to her coaching and encouraging her.  Now mind you, she’s not breaking any land speed records but she’s moving and he’s being supportive.  So very sweet.

Technology Help

Do you have those friends or family?  You know the ones, they know what a computer is but have no idea what it actually does or how to ‘go on that internet’.  Well I have them.  One is on the way over here as I type because she needs to order a dress after shopping at Kohl’s today.  She calls me to say, ‘I need to have you order that dress for me online by tomorrow because the sale ends tomorrow, and I just don’t know how you’re going to do that but I suppose I’ll have to get you some numbers.’ So I say, I imagine I’ll go to Kohls.com and we’ll order it up from there.  Then she says, ‘well you don’t have to be a smart ass, you know I don’t know how to do that’.  So I said, thank goodness you know me then, huh.  She can get her email but certainly can’t order a dress.  This ought to be fun.  Not so cute for a 44-year-old.

This little exchange reminded me that this same thing happens when I go to visit my parents.  I better warn you, my parents just got rid of their rotary phone, yes, I said rotary phone.  My Dad’s gigantic remote, you know the one, big as a laptop with numbers the size of China, quit working so I told him I would fix it when I was home.  I asked if he still had the instructions but of course the answer was ‘perhaps in a drawer’.  Well, I knew that was a task I didn’t want to take on as their house has about 736 drawers so I told him I didn’t need them.  I get home, look up the remote on good old Google, find the instructions and reprogram the remote.  It was about 10 minutes of my time, not bad, and Dad was happy.  About a week later my brother calls to tell me he heard Dad talking about me fixing the remote.  Apparently he said “she fixed it in a matter of minutes, you know, she took her computer, plugged the remote into it and it was fixed”.   Now at 80, that’s cute.

Funny Pictures

I’ve been trying to clean up my computer and ran across the following pictures I must have saved for some reason.

How much do you think the car cleaners at the rental car place liked me when I returned this bird poop ridden car?  I dare to bet not much.  My advice, don’t park under the trees in Canada, those birds are brutal.

I wonder if I should have suggested she wear pants when we went fishing with the boys?

I’m not sure what smelting is but I do know what fishing is.  Ummm, you, in the boat, pretty sure that’s a fishing boat and you boys in the hip boots, if that’s smelting, you’re in big trouble!  Funny how people just don’t obey the law anymore.

Don’t ever wear a strapless bra to an entertainment park.  This is the ride from hell at Universal Studios where my strapless bra decided to completely flip down while I was riding next to a perfect stranger.  Attempting to fix it while on the ride was pointless, plus, the guy next to me was wondering what I was doing.  He figured it out pretty quickly when I got off the ride and had to fix it, not something you can really be discreet about it.

Sleepless in Wisconsin III

Whew, we’ve got to stop meeting like this!!  I mean, it’s 1:50 AM and here I am once again on the couch, writing, wondering why I’m not having some spectacular dream (which doesn’t usually happen anyway) and cursing my crappy sleep habits.  Tonight’s non-sleeping issue is especially irritating because I didn’t get off the phone until midnight and didn’t go to sleep until about 12:30.  Yup, 12:30, just over an hour ago.  Yup, 12:30, TODAY!!  This is the craziest damn thing, all I can think of is what the hell is wrong with me….well, could be several things but we’re not going to go there.

This morning I’m thinking that I might be able to find something good on TV or at least something that will put me to sleep but I realize late-night TV is crap….and I mean crap!!

I’m settling on ESPN for once. I did miss some of the highlights as I haven’t been home a lot so this will give me a chance to catch up.

Well, it’s now 3:07 and I’ve caught up on sports, that’s for sure.  After SportsCenter it switched over to NFL Primetime which is SportsCenter on football steroids and now we’re back to SportsCenter.  I have now watched every highlight about 4 times.  Every other show is nothing but SportsCenter, you’re not fooling me.  I’m not sure how guys can watch these things over and over again because he still makes the catch, he still drops the ball,  he still steps out-of-bounds at the one yard line, she still gets fined $2000 for yelling at the ref (really?), he still hit a home run, the damn Vikings still lost and the Gophers coach still has a seizure!!!  How many times do we need to watch the highlights (or lowlights)?

It’s amazing to me how people can watch this stuff over and over and over again and act like it’s the first time they saw it.  Ohhhh, when they come back from the commercial now they’re going to tell me who the best of the best of the best was.  I can’t wait, I bet it’s something I haven’t seen yet……..or not.

I think Jerry Springer is on somewhere, perhaps I should get an ego boost quick before I try to go to bed again.  This show makes my life look like a walk in the park as my parents weren’t cousins, my boyfriend isn’t sleeping with my sister, I’m not pregnant and not sure which of 6 men is my baby’s daddy and I’m not going to lose my shirt on national TV when I get in a fight with my aunt because I’ve been sleeping with her newest husband.  Nevermind, that was enough of an ego boost for me not to have to watch it.

Hey, guess what? Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and the Vikings lost….haven’t heard that yet tonight!!