It’s a Doc’s Life: The First Year

I now know the meaning of “time flies when you’re having fun”. Wow has this past year flown by. I think I finally have the humans somewhat trained, it’s been a long process but they’re coming along nicely. I can see why other dogs say “don’t give up, they’ll get there” and “it’s a lifelong job to raise humans”. It’s a tough job but it’s rewarding.

I have a lot to catch you up on, I’ve been hiding my stories under the kennel so it took Mom until we moved houses to find them. I haven’t been writing as much as I wanted to because I’m very busy and have a couple new playmates….but I’ll get to that.

After my kennel incidents and getting moved to the new kennel, things calmed down a bit. Mom and Dad and I got into a pretty good routine. I got them trained on a nighttime routine pretty early on. I would get put in the kennel at bedtime each night and we would all go to sleep. I would wake up and whine and Mom would take me outside to go potty. I say Mom because Dad sleeps like a rock, nothing wakes him up, or so I thought. It didn’t take me long to realize he fakes it so he doesn’t have to get up and let me out, I’m pretty sure Mom knows but there’s not really anything she can do about it. I can’t blame him, I’ve become a master a “faking”. Anyway, once Mom lets me in from my late night bathroom break I get to go in the big bed because I was a “goodboy” and went potty. Good thing I can pee on demand because I really don’t have to go, I just know it will get me into the big bed. Pretty sure Mom knows that too but I give her the “eyes” and she melts. Plus, I’m a darn good snuggler.

Things were rolling along nicely and I was having a blast being the only child….well except for the 13-year-old but she’s only there on the weekends…plus, I like snuggling with her, I get to sleep in her bed when she’s there and I’m just waiting for the day she’s with us all the time, then there’s no more kennel at night because she lets me sleep with her all the time. Keeping my paws crossed on that one. Her and I have an understanding.

Just as we got into a routine, life changed. And I mean changed forever. We went for a car ride one day and I got to play with this very cool, very beautiful girl dog. She smelled spectacular, I fell in love. We’re about the same age so I thought this was some sort of ‘blind date’ and we would get together every now and then and possibly make very cute puppies together. Uff da was I wrong. She got in the car and came home with us! Ok, a sleepover is cool! Well I was wrong again, she still hasn’t left!!

I was very mad to have a new housemate, even though she’s a pretty cool chick. I’m a guy, I needed my own space, I wanted my freedom, I was still young. I really didn’t want anyone cramping my style. So much for my opinion, she stayed.

Her name is Kimber and she really is awesome. I say that now but it took awhile for me to truly come to terms with her being there. I went from a household where I wore the pants…and Mom….but as far as pets go, I was the shit, numero uno, the top dog. And then there was Kimber. Mom and Dad say she’s the alpha dog. I didn’t know what that was at first but I’m a quick learner. We play when she wants to play, we snuggle when she wants to snuggle and I eat whenever she lets me eat. She’s not mean, just very sure of herself and wants to run the show. I’m sure if I was a human I’d probably be dressed in chaps and a ball gag.

Kimber and I get into lots of trouble sometimes. She’s a runner and an explorer, me not so much. I’m more of a eater and lolligagger. I do like to play with her but I get tuckered out before she does. She’s a bit smaller than I am and a little wider but she’s a whole lot faster!! Man that girl can move. Once I’ve had a little rest, she sits on me and bites my leg to get me to get up and play again. By bedtime we’re pretty worn out.

Because she’s such an explorer she smells kind of bad a lot. She rolls in stuff, walks through stuff and rubs up against anything. There are times Mom and Dad leave her outside until it’s time for a shower, which she doesn’t like at all. Then I’m mad at her because Mom and Dad figure if they’re giving her a bath, I should get one as well. Life is not fair.

We moved into a new house a few months ago but I’ll save that for a new story. We went from a big house to a very tiny house. The good news is our kennel won’t fit in the bedroom so we get to sleep on the big bed all the time. The bad news is, we’re all a lot bigger but the bed isn’t. Good thing Dad and I are heavy sleepers because from what I hear it gets pretty crowded and doesn’t always work out best for Kimber and Mom. Mom says it’s asses to elbows in bed at night which seems to be true from what I can see in the morning.

Here’s fairly recent photo of us. Kimber’s a bit chunkier now…don’t you dare tell her I said that. Dad calls her is Chunky Monkey, Mom yells at him.

Image may contain: dog

Until next time.

Love,

docssignature

The Dog

I’m 46 years old. I’m not a mom. I had outdoor dogs during my childhood but never a puppy or an indoor dog. So here I am, a new mom of the cutest pitbull puppy you’ve ever seen.

Meet Doc. He was born mid December 2015 and he looked like this the day we got him. I fell in love. I am now that lady. You know the one. The lady that posts pictures of her puppy on Facebook every day.

puppydoc

Not only did I take the plunge, with assurance from the manfriend that it would be awesome, we added another puppy two and a half months later. Her name is Kimber. We wanted to name her Kate (Doc Holliday and Big Nose Kate) but she knew her name so well we just couldn’t change it. Doc still doesn’t know his name, or at least pretends not to so she’s a step ahead of him there…or behind, depending on how you look at it.

docandkimber2

Prior to Kimber coming to live with us Doc had a few episodes of Mommy wanting to give him away. One such episode happened one night when we came home from pool league very late. Here was my Facebook post about it:

In honor of National Puppy Day…..

Well, it was a long night at our house. The menace we call a puppy figured out how to get out of his kennel while we were at pool. You know that feeling when you walk in and something just isn’t right? Oh yeah, immediately. After Grandma let him out he had about 2 1/2 hours to have a party….if I didn’t know better, from the looks of things he invited friends.

4 piles of poop placed strategically….one in each room he had access to
2 pee spots
1 badly damaged PS3 remote – he ate all the rubber pieces off of it and chewed up the ends
1 chewed up water glass
1 completely empty bowl of food
1 ruined Nike flip flop
2 drooled in and slightly chewed up tennis shoes
Several missing hair ties

Needless to say our little party animal has not been feeling well since. I’m sure he’s having some trouble digesting the rubber, the material, the hair ties and the extra dog food.

He’s a whining puddle of mush today and it’s very confusing to be so mad and feel bad for him at the same time. As I left the house daddy was telling him ” you had the hiccups all night because you were naughty and now you have the poops and you will be spending most of the day outside”. Thank goodness I had to go to work.

He has been better about things since Kimber came along but they’re still puppies.

I still cannot believe how much I say things I never thought I would have to say. I find myself following them around and having random conversations, scolding, laughing or lecturing them. Here are a few of my repeated phrases:

Don’t eat that.
Stop digging in that.
What’s in your mouth?
Get that out of your mouth!
Show me, open your mouth!
Stop right there Mr.!
I said stop!
Well you don’t listen very good do you?
Did you poop?
Are you having trouble pooping?
No wonder it hurts to poop, you shouldn’t have eaten that aluminum can?
Go potty for mommy.
Do you need to go potty again, it’s bedtime.
Which one of you farted?
Oh come on! If you would stop eating everything under the sun you wouldn’t smell like that.
Where are you, you’re way too quiet?!!

Now that Doc is old enough I’m going to have him start writing stories from his point of view, it may be much more interesting than mine.

The Joys of Bartending IX

It’s been quite some time, sorry about that. Even though it’s been ages, that doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing things down or that nothing funny has been happening. What it means is that life has been crazy busy and something has to get pushed to the side. Unfortunately that’s been writing for me. I’m going to try my hardest to be better…but I digress.

This last weekend was terribly entertaining as far as bartending was concerned. It’s also much more entertaining after the fact then it was during the chaos. Here’s how Friday night went for us.

It was a typical full moon night…..WEIRD. Early in the night nothing specific stood out but the vibe was weird, the crowd was weird and people were drinking…. a lot! My bartending partner and I would look at each other and shake our heads or shrug our shoulders every now and then to prove we knew, we just knew it was strange. Her and I were even running into each other behind the bar more than normal, it was one of those days we were acting like we’d never worked together. Even our karaoke singers were all over the board, normally we’re middle of the road with talent but this particular night we had amazing singers and then those singers that made you want to jab yourself in the ear with a sharp pencil. Like I say to my customers “always applaud, for those who are bad, you applaud because it’s over”.

Around midnight the downhill slide reached warp speed. One of our regulars who is normally very well-behaved became not so well-behaved. On a normal night if we tell him it’s time to go home, he says ‘okay’ and promptly leaves and walk home. On this not so normal night he said ‘okay’ and walked out the front door……only to immediately return through the back door. Rinse and repeat seven times!!! Yes I said SEVEN. He had his eye on a woman he thought he was going to take home. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to go into detail here when I say that would not have turned out so great for him. It would have been like stepping up to the plate at a major league game with a wet dishcloth rather than a bat. Finally my bartending partner raised her voice to a thunderous level, took him by the arm and escorted him to the corner and watched him cross the street. I think we saved him from humiliation by making him leave without her. He should be thanking us.

About the time we got done dealing with him, karaoke wrapped up and we were discussing the ‘weirdness’ of the night with the DJ, three guys walked in who had clearly been elsewhere for a few. One of them is a regular and the other two we had seen before but were unfamiliar with any of their drunken habits. They had a beer and the regular asked for a shot. I said “no, no hard alcohol for you”, as usual, the regular agreed and we went on our merry way……until one of them wasn’t merry anymore.

It started with this kid accusing us (all of us, even his friends) of stealing his $50 bill. We all stood around as he searched every pocket, more than once, and finally dug it out. No apology, no nothing, just attitude. Finally we had enough of him and asked him to leave…..now this is where all hell breaks loose.

We made him leave out the back door, he came in the front. We made him leave out the front door, he came in the back. Rinse and repeat too many times to count. I would guess about the eighth or ninth time he started calling me a retard very loudly and over and over again. Now, I don’t want to get physical with anyone but I will if I have to. My hundred pound partner escorts him out the back door once more and tells him not to come back. We spotted him walking around the building so I was waiting for him at the front door with my hands on his hips.

He opened the door, stepped in, saw me standing there and threw himself on the floor and started throwing a temper tantrum. I would have started giggling here if I wasn’t so mad so I said “get off the floor and get out, just because we throw you out the back door, doesn’t mean you get to come back in the front door”. About the time my lecture was complete a new song came on the juke box and no kidding, he looked up at me and said “oooohh, I love this song” and started playing air guitar while laying on the floor. Again, hilarious now, not so funny then.

I put my head in my hands so I wouldn’t scream at the top of my lungs and he got up and got in my face. He pulled back his arm like he was going to hit me and I said “please, please hit me”. I’m pretty sure his buddy yelled “don’t hit her” so he ran to his buddy at the other end of the bar. My partner then herded him out the back door once again, that time he grabbed onto everything he possibly could which resulted in tearing a bunch of posters off the wall. One of the regulars followed her out for support. I picked up torn pieces of posters and thought I better check on the situation outside. When I got out there my partner said “grab the phone, we’re calling the cops”. I asked if she was okay, she said “yes, he’s just very verbally abusive and called me the word you never call a woman” so I grabbed my phone and told the guy I was going to call the police. He started running across the street, lost his shoe, fell and was rolling around in the middle of the street when I dialed 911. That’s where he stayed, screaming and swearing while I was on the phone with dispatch.

I had to go back in because there were customers still in the bar, my partner and the regular stayed outside to wait for the police. Once the police got there the kid tried to run and ended up in a fenced in apartment complex so couldn’t get away. He did attempt to stand very still so the cops couldn’t see him….that didn’t work. Once the spotlight was on him and the officer got out of the car, the kid threw his shoe at him which promptly got him arrested.

I was tending to matters inside which consisted of attempting to calm one of our giggling regulars down who couldn’t seem to control herself, we now call her the giggle patrol. The officer came in to question me and the giggle patrol was right behind me giggling uncontrollably. The officer asked my name and of course I had to be a smarty pants and make a comment about being one of America’s Most Wanted. The giggle patrol only got worse and we struggled through the questioning. Finally I told the officer “I really wanted to run him over when he was in the middle of the street”. The officer looked at me, smiled and said “I would have looked the other way”.

I’m thankful he had a sense of humor at 1:45 AM after what I can only assume was a long Friday night for him too.

Book Reviews

As I’m working to promote my book more and more (in affordable ways :)) I thought I would share some of the reviews that have been submitted to the different online booksellers. This has been one of my favorite parts of this journey, I love reading why people like the book, of course I haven’t had any ‘bad’ reviews yet so perhaps this won’t be one of my favorite parts for long. I also like the comments I receive on my blog stories, again, those that don’t like my stories aren’t very vocal so I haven’t had any negative comments. I can only hope it stays that way for the most part!

Amazon Reviews

A must read!
Peggy makes you laugh at her and makes you laugh at yourself. You can read the whole book at once or read a chapter that catches your eye. This book reminds you to not take yourself or life too seriously. A must read for those who love to find funny in whatever they’re doing.

Following Funny
I cried from laughing! I loved “locking your house door with a butter knife” Remembering growing up in rural Minnesota with this book. I think all little towns have
similar funny characters.

Ridiculous fun!! Try not to wet yourself!
Peggy Welter is not afraid to point out the funny! She finds a way to say the things that most of us want to say but are afraid to! If you are in need of a good laugh, pick up this book and laugh your way into a new sunnier disposition!

Laugh out loud funny
Peggy will make you laugh until your side hurts. Many of the short stories brought me back to my childhood and reminded me of my life growing up in a small town. I could often picture the antics described.

Following Funny
We can all relate to a story in this book and this is great reminder that we have to be able to laugh at ourselves to make it through this crazy life! I found myself laughing out
loud and getting crazy looks from those around me. Thanks Peggy for sharing
your stories and your great sense of humor with us!

Laugh so hard you’ll cry
Following Funny’s stories are fantastic! Everyone needs to laugh… more often. You just can’t make up some of the things that you get to read about when you are Following Funny. I love that now I have them in one place to go read when life just gets a little
too stressful or serious. Thank you for sharing how you find humor in life, and
for doing such a great job putting it into words – love it!

Barnes & Noble Reviews

Great light hearted read! We all need to see the humor in everyday life, and Peggy does a great job of sharing her experiences, which we can all relate to at one time or another! Couldn’t put it down until I had read the whole book!

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!!!! Everyone needs to laugh and this will make your cheeks hurt, it did mine 🙂

iBook Reviews

Fun to read some of a good friends real life way of looking at things. True stories with a different view!!

Great read about a friends real life if you want a good laugh read this book. Congrats Peggy on the book. Hope it does well.

I’d give it 5 million stars if I could. One of my favorite people wrote a humorous book that I can’t put down. Now, where’s my sleeping pills…..

Hopefully a fun little tidbit for a Saturday night. I don’t think I need to tell you it’s fun for me to read these. If you’ve submitted a review, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you have read the book and have not reviewed it, please take a few minutes to do so, getting as many reviews as possible certainly can’t hurt.

If you read the book and didn’t like it, feel free not to review it. You’re welcome to email me those comments. 🙂 I’m kidding of course. Had to try to leave you with a smile.

The Book is Done II

Finally! Exactly four weeks after distribution to the eBook sellers they all have it for sale. It only took one poke and prod to my publisher to make sure it was up on the final straggler.

Here is a list of where you can find it:

Amazon (Kindle)
Barnes & Noble (Nook)
iBookstore
Sony Reader Store
Kobo Books
Copia
eBookPie
eSentral
Scribd

I don’t know a lot about all of these sellers but I do know that you can download a free Kindle app and read books on your phone. You can also download iBook on you iPhone. The great part is you don’t have to own an actual reader to enjoy eBooks, I just discovered that myself. I know, I know, I’m behind the times.

Thank you to all of you who have purchased, will purchase, have shared with friends and who have typed up an actual review of the book.

I currently have no idea how well or not well it’s doing and probably won’t know until early to middle July. I do know that I can finally send out a press release and some other marketing items.

Keeping my fingers crossed for retirement in the Caribbean……actually, I’m keeping my fingers crossed to recoup my publishing costs and some gas money!

Daily Prompt – Change

Today’s daily prompt is: “What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?”

It’s probably self explanatory by the name of my blog but the changes I’d like my blog to make on the world are small changes within people that could make big changes on the world.

Don’t take life so seriously, find the things that make you smile, giggle or die laughing and surround yourself with them. This could be a funny friend, a trip to Wal-Mart (you know, you’ve all seen funny there), a giggling child or situation that makes you smile.
Create funny yourself, we’re all funny in our own way, find yours, it’s there, you just have to look for it. Sometimes your funny is just to laugh at others. For the love of God, don’t force it if you’re not actually that funny, there’s nothing worse than awkward moments when you hope to be funny and no one else thinks so. I’ve been there, I know.
Don’t take yourself so seriously, when you learn to laugh at yourself you’ll find others funny. I took a good fall the other day on the sidewalk in front of three friends. The toe of my hooker boot caught a rock and my top half got moving WAY faster than my bottom half. It didn’t take me long to be laying on the sidewalk, face down. All I could do was yell “MAN DOWN” and laugh hysterically.
Look for laugh lines and smiles that reach someone’s eyes. Those people are great to be around, their laugh makes you laugh harder.

By surrounding yourself with funny, you’re adding years to your life and hopefully someone else’s life too. A good attitude, a great laugh, a funny joke or comment can make someone’s day, in turn they will spread the wealth, guaranteed.

Can you imagine a world where everyone smiled and laughed, even a few more times a day? Our jobs would be better, our shopping trips would be better, our relationships would be better. Try it, you’ll like it. Life without humor is just life, life with humor is living.