Phone One Liners

Have you ever had THAT guy in your office?  You know the one, doesn’t stick to the script on the phone and you can bet on the fact he says everything you tell him NOT to say?  Well, I worked with that guy for a few years.  Made me want to fire him most of the day and made me die laughing the remainder of the day.

It didn’t take long for people to start writing down some of the things this guy would say on the phone to clients.  I will give you two bits of information to keep in mind as you read through this list.  First, the clients he was speaking to on a daily basis were financial advisors from a major firm.  Second, he was talking to them about websites and how to utilize one within their business.

Following are actual quotes of his while on the phone:

  • <Talking about cold weather in northern MN> “That is why more babies are being born.  This is when cabins and bearskin rugs get a lot of use.”
  • Thanks for taking the time to talk with me today, I am going to go bleach my hair.
  • I was just playing chess with my friend in China all morning so just go ahead.
  • Some people do a wham, bam, thank you ma’am and go buy a big screen when they come into some money.
  • Friday I have a snip-snip procedure.
  • I wanted to tell Pete a “Time Vampire” was running loose in the office and bit me in the neck, which made it impossible for me to make the appointment.
  • Josh was right you are a handsome man.
  • Like a crossword puzzle I will not give up on you.
  • I apologize but we are now approaching for landing… I have another call…
  • Like we say up here in northern Minnesota, “Now we are singing out of the same hymnal…”
  • “…your front end and your back end aren’t speaking the same language…”
  • I am going to verbally explain this to you.
  • I just want to take this in my hands, wrestle it down and beat it up.
  • “I just have a little chunk of peppercorn stuck in the back of my throat, wowsers!”
  • “You know what we say in Minnesota Jack?  It does have to be snowing for you to get the drift.”
  • Do you want me to come over there and pour that half full glass of water on your head?
  • I was watching Good Morning America…That is going to be a scrappy dogfight until the last drop of blood.
  • As we say in Minnesota, we’ve got ‘er in the backseat and she’s all warmed up.

I have a very hard time reading these again without shaking my head and wondering how we never lost the client.  I also die laughing, wondering what in the hell actually was going on in that guy’s head.


College Football

College football is sometimes said to be a religion…..well, I think I now have proof that it is.

My Idaho guy is an Oklahoma Sooners fan.  The day I met him on the plane, he was dressed in a Sooners jersey, a Sooners long-sleeved shirt and a Sooners hat.  If Wranglers made a pair of Sooners jeans he would have been wearing those I’m sure.  I didn’t get a chance to check out the belt buckle, it could have been Sooners for all I know. 

On a recent phone call, I told him that I was following the Sooners on Twitter so perhaps I could have an intelligent conversation with him in the coming weeks.  Well, that’s all it took for him to get on a soap box and talk and talk and talk.  I started to wonder if I needed Twitter to keep up on anything, all I needed to do was ask him.

 As I got the giggles while he was talking he stopped and said, “you know, today I ran into a guy who said, “man, those Sooners should have a great season” and that’s all it took for me to unleash about college football.  Well, 30 minutes later, I knew I should stop talking but just couldn’t get myself to do it.  I finally said to the guy, I feel like one of those preachers in the south who just can’t shut up, I’m sorry.”  He said the guy was already in some sort of a trance and just stared at him.

Then he said to me “I think I have a problem honey.  Why do I do that?”  The fact that I was already laughing hysterically did not help the situation at all.  I was picturing him on a stage preaching to a sea of crimson and white about college football and I had to tell him that.  I couldn’t give him any sound advice and honestly could barely speak at all.  Needless to say the conversation took quite the turn and both of us laughed and made up stories for the next hour.

It’s surprising how quick the mind works and usually goes off on a tangent you don’t want it to.  The scenario of him acting like a southern preacher played out very vividly in my mind and completely overtook my thoughts.  I do believe college football is a religion to some.  As a side note:  I DO NOT call him on Saturdays.