This Is My Life

I truly have to wonder if the stuff that happens to me happens to everyone.  I think it does but most people probably find it more frustrating than funny.  I had one of those weeks this past week and of course I feel the need to share.

I had to break up a fight at the bar and I haven’t had to do that in a long time.  One of our regulars Jan was in and she was in rare form (well, not really rare for her).  She’s a bit rough around the edges but has a heart of gold.  I have rules for her when I’m there.  She has to pull up her pants, no wearing them below her butt cheeks, she can’t mooch off of other customers, she can’t ask me for money and she can’t try to sell me anything.  No, I am not lying, those are her rules.  She is VERY aware of them.

Anyway, Jan was with a girl and a guy.  Pretty soon her and the girl were off of their stools pushing and slapping each other.  Like a shot (I move pretty fast when it comes to this stuff) I went around the bar and got between them.  Then I panicked.  I not only got between them, I had my back to the regular.  In a matter of a couple of seconds some very bad scenarios went through my head, including getting a knife in the back.  I stepped away in one piece thankfully.  As I was yelling at her that she had to leave I added “now you have another rule, no fighting and I shouldn’t have to tell you that.  If it happens again, you’re out for good”!  I act pretty tough in times like that.

As I walked back behind the bar Matt, (another regular) said “holy crap, how did I miss that, I’ve never seen you move so fast”.  I said “the last thing I need is to have to call the cops on my shift, I take care of that on my own”.  He just laughed and went back to the game on his phone.  He’s normally the one that takes care of any riff raff while he’s there.

A few minutes after breaking up the fight a woman walked in wearing a pair of sunglasses.  Across the lenses it said SW AG.  Matt and I looked at each other and at the same time said “this ought to be good”.  It didn’t take her long to start dirty dancing and shooting pool.  She was using the pool stick as a stripper pole since we don’t actually have a stripper pole there.  She got a little worked up at one point so took her arms out of her hoodie and just wore it around her neck.  She was wearing a wife beater and was sportin’ some pretty large butt crack.  She didn’t care, she had swag and was going to prove to everyone she had earned those sunglasses.   She attempted to pick up a couple customers to take home but struck out.  She left and came back twice providing us with about two hours of entertainment but left empty handed each time.  Perhaps she found someone in a different bar.

Jan came in a couple days later apologizing for her behavior and tried to tell me she wasn’t fighting.  I argued with her for a minute and then she finally said “if we were fighting why did I wake up with her in my bed the next morning?”  I could only drop my head and go about my day, I had no argument for that and I certainly didn’t ask for any sort of confirmation.

Saturday night I had a group of three come in who were more than interesting.  The woman had won money somehow, somewhere and was throwing it around like it grew on trees.  She used her bra for a wallet and was going back to her stash like a fat kid at a buffet.  She bought her and her friends drinks, bought the other people in the bar drinks and put 20 bucks in the jukebox.  With that $20 she played two songs, the same two songs, over and over again.  She offered me 10 bucks to crank the jukebox.  I’m not proud, I did it and because she was buying drinks for everyone they all stood up and sang with her at the top of their lungs.

It wasn’t long before her and her man started dancing.  This was when I noticed that she had on a very sheer, very revealing shirt which didn’t cover much and continually fell off her shoulder to expose a lot of skin and a good portion of her bra.  I also noticed she wore a swimsuit bikini bottom under her jeans.  The strings and bows were hanging out of her pants and her crack was hanging out of both the bikini and the jeans.

It was difficult for me to watch this show with a straight face so I found something to do that would leave me with my back to them.  Soon after I started ignoring them I heard a thump and got that feeling in my stomach that something was going on I did not want to see.  I turned around and sure enough she was sitting on the bar with him between her legs.  I have never seen a 400 lb man dry hump anyone but he was going to town.

I thought the friction he was causing may start a fire and I was a bit scared to tell him to stop but I had no choice.  I yelled “hey, no no no no no no no, no, NO  You cannot do that on my bar.”  They both looked at me with that “what?” look on their face and he lifted her off the bar.  Thank goodness they stopped without issue but not before I was searching desperately for eye wash, or acid, or tequila, anything.  That’s something that I can never unsee.

The week ended at McDonald’s.  I was in desperate need of a small chocolate shake (I never used to crave chocolate but apparently that happens when they remove some of your girl parts, go figure).  I ordered my shake sans cherry, received my total and started to drive toward the window.  I stopped behind a red Dodge that was probably two car lengths from window number one.  His driver’s door was open with his rear sticking out and him digging under the dash.  My window was still open so when he straightened up he said to me “it’ll just be a second, it’s the battery, no big deal”.  He then proceeded to open the hood and dig around for a few seconds, close the hood and get in.  He was talking the whole time, telling me it wouldn’t be long.  His truck started and on he went to the first window.

After he paid, he stepped on the gas and the truck moved about three feet and then died again.  This time he seemed to be prepared and was veering to the right to get out of the way.  He stopped in front of the second window but he was in the actual driving lane.  I paid quickly and was laughing as I moved toward the second window.  As I got to the second window the guy’s passenger got out of the truck and said “screw this, I’m going in to get the food”.  His passenger left him there, stalled.  The driver opened his door and started pushing the truck by himself.

I went to the window, helped the very confused McDonald’s crew figure out which food went where because they kept trying to give me two McChickens (which actually belonged to the people behind me) and went on my very very merry way.   I giggled for about 30 minutes and had to call a friend to tell her about it.  I thought long and hard about what my friends would do and decided yes, they probably would leave me stalled to go get the food.

I can’t wait to see what this week brings.

The Fundraiser

Another great function over and done with.  We went, we saw, we conquered. 

My day started out a little rough, I was due to be at a Toastmasters function around 7:30 AM and that’s tough to do when you’re clock says 7:37 when you open your eyes!  Blood pressure up, curse words flying and feet moving.  What a way to get your blood pumping.  As you know, I don’t sleep when I’m supposed to, instead my body eventually gives up and I sleep when I shouldn’t.  I made it shortly after 8:00 AM with agendas in hand and got through officer training and my introduction of a speaker.

Whew, now it’s on to the fundraiser and making sure silent auction items are displayed and organized for optimal viewing, meat and cheese trays are sliced and put together, buns are cut and the raffle prizes are ready to go.

As usual, very few things go off without a hitch.  The first issue was “will the meatballs be done on time?”  Probably not, let’s move the food to 6:30.  No problem, people were still filing in and nobody was starving to death.

Second issue, “will the microphone be hooked up by the band in time for us to draw for the first raffle prizes at 6:00PM”?  Absolutely not, no way, no how.  The food tables were in the way of where the sound board was supposed to be.  Figure it out, I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve run into a little hitch in your giddy-up while setting up the sound. 45 minute delay, not a show stopper though, people were at least eating.  Then it’s decided, we’re going to start the drawings anyway.

“What? Start the drawings? Without a microphone? In a bar that holds a couple hundred people?”  Those were my first questions as the MC, legitimate I thought.  Ok, so we improvised.  We worked it like a volunteer group would work a sand-bagging effort, I shouted the number, someone shouted it again and someone shouted it at the front of the bar.  At this rate, my voice wasn’t going to last long and we were never going to give away the hundreds of prizes we had.  Good thing it was only about 10 minutes or I would have had to throw in the towel early.

A microphone in hand, food in my belly and prizes to give away, there was no stopping me now.  We did well giving away 15 to 20 raffle prizes every hour during the band’s breaks.  Getting everyone to pay attention, even when you have a microphone, is another challenge but one that we won’t fix any time soon.  People talking to others they haven’t seen for a while and there’s drinking involved.  Other than that, issues were over.

Between drawings was the best part of the night for me.  Myself and a few others stayed close to the band where the tickets were housed.  I was home base for those selling tickets so staying put was a necessity and a pleasure.  I had front row seats to the dancers!  For someone like me this is like Christmas.

This particular bar, in this particular part of town is always a prime spot for people watching.  One of the reasons I work there is because it’s an ego boost for me.  I feel so good about myself when I leave there, almost like the state fair only on a smaller scale.  If there’s any ‘normal’ regulars reading this, I’m not talking about you. 

The dancing starts toward the end of the first set.  You’ve all seen the one who starts it, long hair, combed with a pork chop yesterday, out there by herself, flailing around like she might be having a seizure.  I thought at first it was some sort of rain dance but after a few songs I realized that’s just how she dances.  No wonder she was dancing alone, a partner would have been beaten and bruised with the swinging arms and flipping hair.

She’s like the grand master of the parade, once she goes by, the parade can start.  Well, the parade started, Parade of the Mutants that is.  The couple who hasn’t danced for years, him with only one leg that bends sort of to the music and her with no legs or arms that bend.  Then you have the couple who were teenagers in the 80’s, still dancing the same way and they think they know the words to the song, raising their arms when they think the chorus starts and they’re about 15 seconds too early.  It doesn’t bother them though, they just keep going.

You’ll then see the princess, you know her, she’s dancing by herself but her boyfriend/husband is watching from the sidelines.  This weird little mating ritual goes on through several songs and maybe even a couple of sets.  It gets more and more  x-rated as the evening goes on.  She has of course gathered more than her husband as a crowd, some poking fun, some admirers. 

And finally, there’s THAT GUY, there he is, in his 60’s and he’s finally had enough to drink to ask all the ‘pretty girls’ to dance.  He moves, not necessarily at the appropriate times, but he moves.  He’s a toucher and almost looks like a predator on the dance floor shuffling after his latest victim, I mean dance partner.  He will provide entertainment until the band stops.  Sometimes, he will continue once the jukebox starts if you’re lucky, he’s shed his sweatshirt and his hat to get down to serious business.  The bartenders are watching close in case an ambulance is needed.

After the dancers start the night goes fast.  Raffles, laughs, people watching, ego boosting and more laughs.  Before I know it the night wraps up.  Exhausted, pleased with the outcome and feeling good about myself because I’m still upright, I have all my teeth and I’m going home wearing all my clothes.  What a great night.