It’s a Doc’s Life – The Great Escape

I tell ya, being a dog may be the greatest thing ever.  You humans have no idea, you should all hope to come back as a dog in your next life.

When I first came to live in the big house Dad gave me a stuffed puppy to sleep with in my kennel.  I do like my kennel, it’s safe and quiet and I can stretch out.  I also liked my new stuffed puppy, she was cute and I got to snuggle with her all night.  When Mom said “night night time” I knew it was time to snuggle up with my honey and get a good nights sleep.  When I’m good and get up to go potty when I have to, Mom and Dad let me sleep in the big bed until they get up for the day.  I really like the big bed, it will be mine one day.  I get to sleep between them and I have to touch them both so I know they’re still there.  They complain that I take up too much space but I’m not sure how that can be, I’m just little.

A couple of weeks after I started sleeping with my stuffed dog I really started to take a liking to her, she made me feel things, things down deep in my loins, things I hadn’t felt before.  When these feelings came on I went with them, figured wrestling was a good exercise program.  I started taking her out of the kennel because I was running out of room to wrestle with her inside the kennel.  Mom wasn’t happy and said I was growing up too fast and she would tell me to “stop humping”.  Dad just laughed and said “he’s a boy what do you expect”.  Well our wrestling matches would get pretty intense, I would even let her be on top most of the time, she seemed to like that a lot.  When we would take a break I would snuggle and lick her up and down.  It was awesome, we were in love.

One night when Mom and Dad were at work, my human sister and her boyfriend came and let me out, played with me for a bit and put me back in my kennel.  Well, I was awake and feeling some of those loin feelings I told you about so I decided on a quick wrestling match with my honey.  Things got a little heated and I have to admit I got a bit out of control.  I was backed up against the door for leverage, giving her everything I had when the door to my kennel suddenly popped open.

Sweet mother of all dogs in heaven!  There I was, stunned, staring over my shoulder out the door with my stuffed dog between my legs.  Looking at her, looking back at the door, looking at her.  I had to put a time out on our session to figure out what to do about this glorious situation.  Through the open door there was a light beckoning me to step toward it.  So I did.

Cautiously at first I ventured out of my safe haven to explore the empty house.  First I found food and water, I ate like I hadn’t seen food in weeks.  Then I saw the light that had beckoned me, it was coming from the microwave.  I then wandered and found the bedroom and bathroom doors closed.  So I didn’t have access to the whole house but close enough!

Once I realized there was really no one home and this wasn’t a joke, I went kind of crazy.  Racing around, jumping on furniture and rolling around on every surface possible.  It was like I was experiencing life for the first time.  If I would have had any friends at the time, I would have invited them over, it was awesome.

Then I realized I had eaten a lot and had to go potty.  I couldn’t get outside so I figured I would just have to pick a place.  I picked next to the jukebox, it was far enough away from the kennel that I didn’t have to look at it or smell it.  It was a big pile, I didn’t realize I had to go that bad.  It finally dawned on me I didn’t have to worry about getting spanked for pooping in the house because THERE WAS NO ONE HOME!

I also realized the mudroom was open and there was a room full of my favorite toys….SHOES.  I picked one of Mom’s and one of Dad’s, even though I was having the time of my life, I did miss them terribly and couldn’t wait to tell them about my adventures.  Once I had my fill of shoes I had to go potty again so I picked a different spot.  This time the dining room.

After the second poop I ate and ate and ate.  This is where things get fuzzy.  I must have been on some sort of food high, or perhaps somebody slipped something into my food. Because from what I remember I went crazy.  I chewed what I could off of the remote they use to play Jeopardy (I hate that game), I found some of Mom’s hair ties and ate those (Mom had to tell me this one), I peed a couple times (I don’t even remember where), I was so thirsty and didn’t have any water in my bowl so I found a plastic glass on the end table and licked what little was left in that and then chewed it up, I pooped again in the living room and I attempted to eat another tennis shoe but was just drooling by that time.  There were more things like blankets and such but I honestly was almost in a coma at that point.

After all that partying I WAS NOT feeling well.  I realize now I shouldn’t have eaten all that stuff because my tummy was in a bad spot.  And by bad spot I mean a really bad spot.  I tried my hardest to get out the door to go outside because I knew what was coming was not going to be pretty.  I mean, I had over four hours of hard partying.

While I was clawing at the outside door it happened.  There were sounds coming from my backside I had never heard before and stuff was shooting out of me all over the rug.  I was scared and in pain.  All I could do was hunch over and hope for the best.  There was no best, it was the worst.  I couldn’t even stand it myself.

Once all that was done I was exhausted and hoping Mom and Dad would be home soon, I missed them and I needed my tummy rubbed.  I slept on the carpet outside the mudroom so I could see them right when they walked in and tell them what had happened, I was feeling really bad about the messes I made, plus the house smelled terrible.

I have no idea how long I had been sleeping but I heard them drive in.  I figured out I better sit up and look as cute as possible.  They’re pretty smart because they knew immediately something wasn’t right, probably seeing me out of the kennel was the first clue.  I barked and wagged my tail to greet them but at first it wasn’t enough.

For the first 20 minutes they were home there was a lot of “Oh my gods”, “That smells so bads”, “Are you kidding mes?” and “How on earth could that little thing produce thats”.  I also heard some gagging sounds, some terrible curse words I won’t share with you and a couple of threats that they were going to give me away.  I knew that wasn’t true because this was really my house now and I am way too cute.

After the messes were cleaned up and Mom and Dad had a couple of drinks they sat down and gave me a pretty stern talking to.  I didn’t listen much because it was a lot of don’t do this, don’t do that, blah blah blah.  Like I don’t know not to poop on the carpet, sometimes it has to happen though.   Once the lectures were done I put my head on Mom’s lap, licked Dad’s hand, and gave them the most apologizing eyes I possibly could.

I didn’t get to sleep in the big bed that night but I still got to snuggle with my stuffed girlfriend.  We had a quiet wrestling match to finish out the night, it was glorious.  It was one of our last times together,  not long after that I ate her eyes out and Mom and Dad sent her away.

Until next time.

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It’s a Doc’s Life – My New Home

Whew, it’s about time.  These humans that call themselves “Mom” and “Dad” (even I know they can’t really be my mom and dad, I’m much cuter than they are and they walk silly, they don’t even use their front paws and legs to walk) said when I turned 6 months old I could start writing.  Here I am with my new series It’s a Doc’s Life.

Needless to say my name is Doc, I’m a 6 month old American Staffordshire Terrier.  More commonly known as a pitbull.  And apparently that’s not cool.  Somehow, somewhere, “pitbull” became an awful thing because mean people exist and trained my ancestors to be mean.  I think Chihuahuas are mean, there, I said it, I put that out there.  Mom speaks her mind so I will too.  Don’t blame me for what my ancestors, who I have never met, did.  And please stop shoving your fist in my mouth when you first meet me, yes I will bite you.  I don’t see humans doing that to other humans so don’t do it to me.  I once heard my human mom say she would bite someone if they did that to her.  Please do let me smell your hands though, that’s how I get to know you.

To be sappy for a moment, my life truly began when a couple of humans came to pick me up and brought me to my human mom and dad.  They brought me to a big house, a big yard, a big garage and a big bed.  I didn’t know a dog could have it so good.  My dog mom never told me I was going to have my own place….except I have to let the humans stay with me…something about money and bills.  I decided it was okay to have them around, a dog needs servants and apparently I get two.  Now I know where the term “lucky dog” comes from.

I know the house is mine, I claimed it.  I did it little by little so no one would notice but it only took me a few weeks to pee in every room.  Not sure how I knew to do that but I did.  It is now mine and I didn’t see Mom or Dad peeing on anything to reclaim it so they have resorted to being my servants.The humans got mad but I was on a mission so I had to complete it.  Mom says it was my fault she had to clean the carpets.  That was long overdue if  you ask me.

My humans are strange, in my opinion all humans are strange, but I have some really weird ones.

The short, round, smart assy one (Mom) is mostly called Peg by other humans who come and visit.  She calls me Booger, Boogs, or Doc.  She only calls me Doc when I’m being naughty.  I pretend not to hear her but she knows I do.  That makes her really mad.  I can’t help myself though, I find it terribly funny.  Sometimes I even walk away from her as she calls my name.  Sometimes she spanks me when I’m naughty but I love her anyway, I just can’t help it, I just love to lick those chubby cheeks……I can’t pinch them so I have to lick them.

The tall, skinny, quiet one, well, quiet until he’s mad, (Dad) is mostly called Jim by other humans.  He calls me Doc, Bud and sometimes Booger. I pretend to listen to him more than mom, he pees outside while standing up, I think he has one up on me there.  It’s my house but I let him think it’s his.  He’s coming along nicely in his training program.  I have to tread lightly with him, he’s not as quick as mom to admit that I run this show.  Plus, he’s quicker than mom so I can’t away quite as easy.

Let’s get back to the weird part.  They play video games, just the two of them.  They watch several episodes of the same show in a row….I have to nap, I can’t watch, it’s just too boring.  They play pool and listen to the jukebox, and sometimes even dance, did I mention it’s just the two of them?  It’s like they’re having a party but haven’t invited anyone else.  Oh well, they’re mine I guess, it would be too much work to look for new ones at this point.  Plus, they really do spoil me.

Wow, that’s a lot of writing for a dog like me, I should probably get back to chewing up my rope, most toys don’t last two days around me, this one has been around for two weeks and I haven’t destroyed it yet.  It is my new mission.

Here I am….I don’t like pictures but mom says I have to.  Dad doesn’t get his picture taken so I’m not sure why I have to.  After the Destroy the Rope Mission is over I will go after that thing mom takes my picture with, first I will pee on it to claim it as mine, then I will destroy it.

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Until next time.

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The Dog

I’m 46 years old.  I’m not a mom.  I had outdoor dogs during my childhood but never a puppy or an indoor dog.  So here I am, a new mom of the cutest pitbull puppy you’ve ever seen.

Meet Doc.  He was born mid December 2015 and he looked like this the day we got him.  I fell in love.  I am now that lady.  You know the one.  The lady that  posts pictures of her puppy on Facebook every day.

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Not only did I take the plunge, with assurance from the manfriend that it would be awesome, we added another puppy two and a half months later.  Her name is Kimber.  We wanted to name her Kate (Doc Holliday and Big Nose Kate) but she knew her name so well we just couldn’t change it.  Doc still doesn’t know his name, or at least pretends not to so she’s a step ahead of him there…or behind, depending on how you look at it.

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Prior to Kimber coming to live with us Doc had a few episodes of Mommy wanting to give him away.  One such episode happened one night when we came home from pool league very late.  Here was my Facebook post about it:

In honor of National Puppy Day…..

Well, it was a long night at our house. The menace we call a puppy figured out how to get out of his kennel while we were at pool. You know that feeling when you walk in and something just isn’t right? Oh yeah, immediately. After Grandma let him out he had about 2 1/2 hours to have a party….if I didn’t know better, from the looks of things he invited friends.

4 piles of poop placed strategically….one in each room he had access to
2 pee spots
1 badly damaged PS3 remote – he ate all the rubber pieces off of it and chewed up the ends
1 chewed up water glass
1 completely empty bowl of food
1 ruined Nike flip flop
2 drooled in and slightly chewed up tennis shoes
Several missing hair ties

Needless to say our little party animal has not been feeling well since. I’m sure he’s having some trouble digesting the rubber, the material, the hair ties and the extra dog food.

He’s a whining puddle of mush today and it’s very confusing to be so mad and feel bad for him at the same time. As I left the house daddy was telling him ” you had the hiccups all night because you were naughty and now you have the poops and you will be spending most of the day outside”. Thank goodness I had to go to work.

He has been better about things since Kimber came along but they’re still puppies.

I still cannot believe how much I say things I never thought I would have to say.  I find myself following them around and having random conversations, scolding, laughing or lecturing them.  Here are a few of my repeated phrases:

  • Don’t eat that.
  • Stop digging in that.
  • What’s in your mouth?
  • Get that out of your mouth!
  • Show me, open your mouth!
  • Stop right there Mr.!
  • I said stop!
  • Well  you don’t listen very good do you?
  • Did you poop?
  • Are you having trouble pooping?
  • No wonder it hurts to poop, you shouldn’t have eaten that aluminum can?
  • Go potty for mommy.
  • Do you need to go potty again, it’s bedtime.
  • Which one of you farted?
  • Oh come on!  If you would stop eating everything under the sun you wouldn’t smell like that.
  • Where are you, you’re way too quiet?!!

Now that Doc is old enough I’m going to have him start writing stories from his point of view, it may be much more interesting than mine.