Sleepless in Minnesota

I don’t like to wish ill on anyone but I am glad I’m not the only member of some clubs.  Like this sleepless issue I have, it seems others suffer from the same thing, possibly for different reasons but sleepless nonetheless.

My friend Sharon was kind enough to share her story with me and I would love to share it with all of you.  I’ve been slacking in my stories lately so guest writers are always welcome.

“Sleep or No Sleep, We Must Get Along”

As I have gone through several stages of life, sleepless nights have created a variety of entertainment for me. I have experienced bouts of sleep deprivation for many years. Reasons, reactions, and outcomes of long nights with little sleep have always resulted to be quite interesting. The positive side is the opportunity to share stories and laughter with friends.

Mischievous thoughts are plentiful when you have an awesome husband with nighttime flaws such as falling asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. It took me many years to understand and accept this flaw. I lie next to him and want to talk about the day or ask questions about tomorrow. The usual response I get is, “Yes, dear.” and before I realize it, he’s sleeping. And I remain wondering, how does that happen and why doesn’t it happen to me? Then before I know it, his snoring begins and another sleepless night begins for me.

Years ago, one night my husband was asleep on his back, pillow over his eyes and forehead, mouth open and was snoring. My mind raced to find a solution to this problem. The only thing I could think of at the time was to hold his nose shut. I thought about it for a while before I acted. I thought, hmm, can’t hurt him because his mouth was open. So I proceeded to pinch his nose shut. As one may have guessed, that was not a smart choice. He was gasping and swinging his arms. I laughed; he didn’t because he elbowed me in the head. The next time I attempted this maneuver; I kept a slight distance from him and put a pillow by my face. I succeeded. He stopped snoring and rolled over. I remember that outcome being a little too boring for my taste.

Throughout the years, I have implemented a variety of actions that I thought would be a solution. After 20+ years of marriage, his snoring and my sleepless nights continue. As my frustrations surge, I say a few naughty words directed at him, and proceed to leave our bedroom and venture to a different bedroom.  Why I bother saying anything is beyond me because he doesn’t hear me anyways!

Last night I awakened at 12:40 a.m., wishing it was 5:40 a.m. so I could get out of bed and do something, I knew it was going to be a long night. Of course the mind starts to plan the day and prioritize everything. Like that’s going to happen when sleep has not been part of my routine for quite some time. Once again, my frustrations surged, I said a few naughty words directed at him, and proceed to leave our bedroom and venture to a different bedroom. I lay in bed and thought about our day’s accomplishments and what we still had to get done in preparation for the winter months. That did not heighten sleepiness at all because I started to smile and giggle to myself, followed by a reflection of my mischievous actions in our younger marital years.

At about 2:30 a.m., I logged onto Facebook and played Candy Crush. Through the walls, I could hear my husband snoring. I mumble utterly to myself and became completely frustrated with Candy Crush. I logged off of Facebook and thought, hmm, what can I do now? Then, I had a thought. I went to the garage because I thought of a sign I hung on the wall. I read the sign, and then looked at the boat and snow blower. This concludes how I spent the wee hours this morning.


And you two must share a garage stall!



How I Get Things Wrong

It’s amazing how I get anything right some days.

The other day I stopped for a beer with a friend and saw someone who was a regular at a bar that I work at.  She’s always been super nice and we get along well.  We exchanged hellos  through the door from the bar to the smoking patio and then I asked her how she was doing and what I heard her say was “I’ve got the shits, had them for two months, I’ve been miserable.”  Well crap (yes pun intended), what was I supposed to say to that?  I didn’t know her THAT well so I just said “Ahhh, that’s too bad.”

When she came into the bar I asked her if she was drinking and she said “No, I can’t with the medication I’m on so I’m just having coffee.”  Then I was thinking, what the heck is she having coffee for, that’s like an instant dose of laxatives, no wonder she has issues.  I started to panic and actually moved away from her for fear of an accident of some sort.

We sat there for a bit and she went back outside to have a smoke so I told my friend about the conversation and she laughed and said, “Wow, I don’t even share that stuff with you.”  After about 15 minutes the woman with the ‘problem’ came back in and started chatting with someone who had just walked in.  She started in with her story again, this time I was sitting closer to her and heard her tell that person she had shingles.  Ohhhhh, well, that made much more sense.  I started to giggle and corrected the story with my friend.  We laughed and laughed.

Once the shingle-ridden woman was by herself again I told her how I had misunderstood what she said.  We had a hearty laugh over the whole thing.  I saw her a couple weeks later while I was bartending so asked how she was doing, she said “Well, my shits are gone but I still have the shingles”.  Then she laughed and laughed and laughed.

The other day at work we had a no biting discussion.  Yes, at work we were having a no biting discussion, don’t judge.   One person was typing and typed ho biting instead of no biting.  Then said “Get your chompers in we’re going ho biting”.  I thought she said “Get your chaps on we’re going ho biting”.  At that point I was hysterical with laughter.  Once I caught my breath and told them what I thought she said, we were all hysterical and the conversation took a considerable turn for the worse as I’m sure you can only imagine.

It seems as I get older my hearing isn’t what it used to be.  I’m in the process of learning to ask someone to repeat themselves if I hear parts that don’t quite make sense.  Sometimes though it’s much funnier to go with what you think they said in the first place.  Keeps life interesting.