The Joys of Bartending VII

It’s amazing the people they let on the golf course.  Saturday four guys walked into the bar after a golf tournament.  Now, something tells me that these four really shouldn’t have been on the golf course, not in their condition anyway.  But I do believe the golf course is who served them to the condition they were in.  They were dropped off by a sober cab and were being picked up by a sober cab, thank goodness.  They were actually pretty funny so I started writing down what was being said.  I do have to admit that I couldn’t understand a lot of what they were saying but they sure understood each other.  I’ll share my notes as I wrote them while it was happening.

  • One’s got the giggles and one’s speaking jibberish and they completely understand each other.
  • “Where we going now, some kind of internet” as one of the other guys was changing the channel on the TV.
  • “There’s two things I know and that’s not one of them.”
  • One attempting to use his flip phone, holding it upside down and pushing buttons asking why he couldn’t hear anything.
  • “$10 if you slap my brother, $20 if you draw blood”
  • “I remember seeing Van Halen for $7.50.  Man that was a good time, I think.”
  • “I think I’ve got pink eye.”  I asked him “Do you know what causes pink eye?”, he said no so I told him, “It can be caused by feces.”  So then he said “Maybe it’s hepatitis”.
  • “Tell me this isn’t a good song and I’ll never be your friend again.”
  • “It’s not devil music, it’s aggressive.”
  • “While golfing today I forgot the word fore so when I hit it toward the people in front of us I kept yelling OY really loud.  They didn’t get it and were mad.  We laughed about OY for several holes”.
  • They’re now walking around yelling “OY” and bending over laughing hysterically.
  • One snuck out to get into a sober ride.  He must have finally figured out how to work his phone.  I couldn’t understand a thing that was coming out of his mouth but apparently the driver understood enough to know where to come and get him.
  • Most of the time they were all talking at the same time so it was tough to decipher who was saying what or what was being said.  They’re having the best time though so that’s all that matters.
  • A girl in an inappropriate white shirt has shown up to the party and seems to be hoping to go home with one of them.  By inappropriate I mean, half mesh and strapless.  The bottom half is mesh which shows her thong underwear bunched up above the waist band of her pants but below her butt crack.  So very classy.  I think she just came from Wal-Mart.
  • Inappropriate girl has made it very clear to two guys that she will be waiting in the parking lot for them so they can go to the next bar with her.  Ummm, they’re not wanting any part of that and are planning their escape route.
  • Inappropriate girl thought the side window was the door, tripped over a step and face planted on the floor.  That’s not good.  For a minute I thought she knocked herself out, nope, she’s up and out.
  • Oh dear, inappropriate girl left with one of the guy’s phone.  This isn’t good, he’s mad, very mad.  He just went next door with a golf club.  Wonder if I should warn them he’s on his way.
  • The party ended when one of the daughters came to pick them all up.  They put up a fight but finally went with her as she wasn’t going to take no for an answer.  The walked out in a single file and their heads down.

Well that was sure a night filled with funny.  So glad those things happen while I’m around.

Teeth

I notice teeth.  Whether people have them, need them, should get them fixed or need a toothbrush.  I notice teeth.

Tuesday at the bar while I was working a new set of teeth walked in.  And I mean a new set of teeth, fresh from the carving station and they were attached to one of my regulars.  Now, he hasn’t been in on my shift for a few weeks but I know he did NOT have that set of choppers last time I saw him.  They were white and shiny, brand spanking new, I don’t even think they’d seen a glass of Efferdent yet.

I’m never sure what to say in this situation.  Do you act like you don’t notice them?  Do you  say “nice teeth”?  “I like the teeth.”  Where’d you get them”?  Or, do you say nothing and just stare?  Well, I chose none of the above.   I said “Hi, good to see you, you’re looking good.”  Honestly, this guy hasn’t looked good since he was a junior in high school in 1977 and even then it may have been iffy.  But I was at a loss for the right words so I improvised, very poorly.  Plus, I could not stop looking at him.

My compliment and my staring apparently appealed to him as he was grinning like the chubby kid at an all day buffet.  You would think I would have stopped staring at that point, nope, not one bit.  There is something definitely wrong with me.  I should probably mention at this point it was just his top teeth that were new, his bottom ones were still MIA.  I did not care, I couldn’t get over how different he looked, and by different I mean nice looking…..in a bad boy, used leather, rode hard, lots older than me sort of way.

Yeah, I know, I’m crazy, he still didn’t have his bottom teeth!!!  The more I stared and saw his laugh lines and his smile lines around his mouth that was no longer sucked into his head, the more I was really attracted to this guy.  I need to mention again that he still didn’t have any bottom teeth!!  I even caught myself flirting with him.  Now, I really should reiterate that I flirt with most everyone when I bartend, it’s part of the gig but I think I was really going out of my way on this one.  I kept reigning myself in to just talk about what he’s been up to since I’ve seen him last because it had been so long.  At one point I even had to go and sit across the bar just so I would stop rambling.

He stayed for three drinks and he never stays for three drinks!!  I forced myself to stay away from him so I would stop staring, it was obvious he had noticed me noticing him.  I’m sure he just thought it was amusing as there’s no way he was attracted to me.  Honestly, I’m not really attracted to him either, it was just one of those days and one of those things that caught me off guard and messed with my senses.  What a fiasco.  He finally left, grinning from ear to ear all the way to the door.  Things were so bad I even checked the rest of him out on his way out.

I shared this story with one of the other bartenders and she said “oh, he used to be very good looking”.  Great, just great.  I hope next week he doesn’t come in with new bottom teeth, if that happens I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Speedos

There is a time and a place for men’s speedos.  The time is during vacations and the place is a beach in the tropics.  Now, on your back deck sun tanning could be a possible place for one as well but it needs to be discreet, no need to be roaming around the yard flaunting your banana hammock.

Friday a coworker and I spotted a speedo mowing his lawn.  It was crazy, right there staring at us as we drove by.  The coworker grabbed his phone and not so discreetly took a picture of him.  The man was old, and I mean old.  White hair, white beard and sagging skin that has seen so much sun it looked like a piece of worn shoe leather.   The speedo was green and tight.  Nothing left to the imagination.  It was a ridiculous sight really.

The disturbing part of this is he lives across the street from an elementary school.  I mean, isn’t that against some law?  I hope he’s not doing that while school is in session, although there were kids on the playground the day we spotted him.  I could only imagine mothers telling there children to look away as they stared at him.   I know some neighbors of his and she said she was thinking about calling the police, I didn’t think that was such a great idea as I’m pretty sure the police wouldn’t do anything about.  Can you imagine that 911 call?

Immediately after we spotted him I called a friend of mine and said “um, your boyfriend is out mowing his lawn in a speedo, I think you should tell him to stop doing that, he’s scaring the children on the playground”.  She replied with “We broke up last week, are you across from my son’s school?  I know exactly who you’re talking about! Is he wearing the powder blue one today?”  I said “yes, that’s where I’m at and no, he has a green one on today. ”  She started laughing and said, “Oh he must have bought a three pack, I’ve seen him in powder blue and red”.  Seems others have noticed him as well.