The Gas Station

I have to share this.  It’s too good not to.  I received a phone call from a friend this morning, the only way I can relay this story is to try to type it as it happened.

Me:  “Hello”

Her: “The most embarrassing thing happened to me this morning, I’m completely humiliated.”

Me:  “This ought to be good” (she doesn’t embarrass easily)

Her:  “I don’t need your shit, this isn’t funny”

Me:  I immediately start to laugh

Her:  “I asked (husband) to fill my truck up with gas when he got home from work last night because I’ve been driving for about 25 miles with it beeping at me.  When I woke up this morning he wasn’t home so I called him and asked him if he had a sleepover last night because he never came home.  He started laughing at me and said he got home after midnight, slept with me and had to be back at work at 5:00 AM this morning.”

Me: “Nice, you slept through him coming home and leaving again.”

Her:  “Well that’s not the embarrassing thing.  He didn’t have a chance to get gas for me so he left me his credit card on the counter to use for gas.  On the way to bring (son) to school I stopped at the gas station to fill up.  The new pumps at the station wouldn’t work so I went in to see the cashier, she informed me that they were having trouble and I should just fill up and she’d run the card when I was done.  After filling up I went back inside to pay.  The card kept saying declined and I kept telling her to try it again, knowing full well there was room on the card.  After several tries she gave up.  Well, you know me, I didn’t even bring anything with me, no purse no cash, nothing.”

Me: “Oh no.”  I’d been hiding a laugh since the beginning of the story and could no longer hold it in.

Her:  “*&^%$@ you Peg, this isn’t funny!”  While she’s trying really hard not to laugh.

Me:  “Hey listen, you called me, how can I not laugh.”

Her:  “Anyway, my hands are tied with no money and a credit card that doesn’t work so I tell the cashier that I’m going to leave my son there and run home and get a check blank. There he stood in the gas station while I drove away to go home.”

Me:  “You’re kidding me?!! You left him there while you ran home?  Couldn’t you have left your driver’s license?”

Her:  This portion should be read as if you’re laughing, crying and irate all at the same time because that’s what it was like.  She was yelling and her voice was hoarse.  “I didn’t have anything else to leave with her.  I ran home to grab the checkbook and it wasn’t there.  Then I looked where we keep the check blanks and they weren’t there.  I was so mad at him (the hubby) because I thought he hid them from me so I tried to call him and he wasn’t answering.  I left him scathing messages and told him to be ready to sign divorce papers when he got home. ”

Me:  “Pretty sure he didn’t give you a non-working credit card on purpose.”

Her:  “Shut up Peg, stop sticking up for him.  Anyway, I started digging around the house for money, found a twenty here and a twenty there.  Left the house with $76 which was $2 short of what I needed.  Thank goodness I found a couple of dollar bills in the truck as I tore that apart too.  I headed back to the gas station, still leaving mad messages for him (hubby).”

Me:  “Good Lord.”  At this point I was picturing her rummaging through her house looking for check blanks and cash, swearing and yelling.  I’m also amazed that someone can actually find $76 in their house, pretty sure I’d come up with about $3.52 if I dug around for money.  I was laughing uncontrollably.  The harder I laughed the harder she laughed and the madder she got.

Her:  “I got back to the gas station to pay for my gas and the cashier said “hey sport, your mom is here to get you out of hock.  I could have died.  Then she looked at me and said “I had trouble with several cards after yours so had to move to the other cash register, seems it was a problem on our end”, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

Me:  I couldn’t even speak at this point I was laughing so hard.

As we were on the phone she arrived home and her husband was just getting home from work.  I heard her say “leave me alone, I dare you to step in front of the truck, I’ll run you over”, she was laughing so hard she could hardly get the words out.   I had to hang up because I couldn’t handle the laughter.

Her husband called me a few minutes later and we laughed our butts off.  He said he didn’t hide the check blanks and opened the drawer to prove it and they had slid to the back of the drawer.  He said he listened to his voicemail and couldn’t even understand what was going on.  All I could do is tell him he may need to get his son some therapy for him being used for collateral at the gas station.  He’s going to get a lot of mileage out of this one, I’ve never heard him laugh so hard.

This is why I love having people in my life who tell on themselves and who also know I enjoy a hilarious story.

I’ve been laughing since I started writing this story so I just called her and it went to voicemail.  I said “I’m just wondering if Child Protective Services stopped by after your son told his story at school today”.  She beeped in right after I was done leaving it so I was laughing when I answered.  All I could say is “I’m so funny sometimes”.  She couldn’t believe I was still laughing.  I said “I can believe it”.

Nervous Nelly

I’m not a nervous person…..well….maybe I should say I’ve never been a nervous person in the past.  It seems that times are changing though.  This last week has proven to me that certain situations cause me to be a basket case.  And I don’t like it, not one bit.

Give me a microphone and a room full of people and I’m fine,  put me in a room with just about anyone for a job interview and I’m fine or put me behind a bar with people three deep waiting for drinks and I’m fine (I’m sweating but fine).

Ask me to write a book and put it for sale on all the major bookseller websites and I’m completely beside myself.  I have no idea what has come over me but it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

It’s been just over a week since I approved the book to be distributed and exactly one week since it hit Amazon and iBookstore.  I felt the first twitches of something when I hit the ‘approve’ button.  I thought that may have just been something I ate but it continually got worse over the next two days.  Then Friday afternoon hit and I received a text message from a friend that said she found it on the iBookstore.  I crumbled.  I happened to be helping out at the bar and I really thought I was going to faint.

There I was, helping customers and not knowing whether I needed to pull up the sink and throw up or run to the bathroom.  It’s been a roller coaster ever since.  There have been headaches, chest pains, stomach issues and plain old loss of thought process.  I would imagine some of this I could blame on age but I know it’s nerves and anxiety.  A strange new world for me.

I was nervous once when I had to be on camera for a webinar and my stomach was doing flips and somersaults.  I figured it was because I couldn’t see my audience but they could see me, plus the camera adds ten to fifteen pounds and who needs an extra ten pounds?  NOT ME!

I still haven’t quite figured out why this would make me so nervous but for now I’m going with the excuse that it’s the fear of failure……I’m pretty sure that’s not it though.  Oh, I may fail alright but that comes with so many things we do in life.  Perhaps I should write to Dr. Phil to see if he can fix me…………better not do that, who knows what that guy will find going on with me, I’m pretty content with my own version of crazy.

I’m optimistic this nerves thing will take care of itself soon because I can’t take it. I’m also pretty sure those close to me aren’t going to be able to take it much longer either.  My close friends have to be tired of text messages and phone calls about this.  I can almost see them rolling their eyes and thinking “she has to get over this already”.  Idaho told me last week he thought it was cute that I was nervous.  I bet he doesn’t think that any longer.

I’m taking the weekend to step away and spend some time with family and friends.  Maybe I’ll get a grip.

The Book is Done

In through the nose, out through the mouth.  Deep breath.  Throw up or crap pants.

That has been my routine for what seems to be weeks.  This writing and publishing a book thing has been interesting to say the least.  I would think this is how it is on the first time for everyone or maybe it just is me.  If it’s like this every time people would never write a second book.  It’s also been a test of patience, which I didn’t have much of to begin with and I’m pretty sure I’ve left it all on the table.  It has been a hurry up and wait process to say the least.

For those of you who have been following my stories from the beginning, you will recognize a lot of them.  I have tweaked previous stories from my blog, used the most popular stories from my blog as they were and added stories that you will only find in the book.  Most of the stories I pulled from the blog are not actually available here anymore.  I’ve also started gathering stories for a possible second book…….I’m ahead of myself now, let’s get the first one up and running.

The book is priced reasonably at $3.99 which hopefully won’t be too expensive for people to ‘try it out’.  I did set up an email address in case I get a lot of hate mail.  I’d hate to field those in the same email account I get correspondence about jobs or from my family and friends.  If all goes well maybe I’ll get ‘not hate mail’, you never know.

Out of the 11 eBook sellers, Amazon Kindle will have it for sale the quickest.  That means in just a few days Following Funny will be swimming among the thousands of other eBooks out there.  I’m a good swimmer but we’ll see how the book does.

For those who follow me and read my ramblings, thank you, thank you and thank you.  It’s because of you I decided to stick my neck out there and finally do this.  For those of you who are planning on purchasing the book I appreciate it more than you could know.  If you do purchase it please put a review in with whichever seller you purchase it from.  I’m one of those people who looks at the reviews before buying a book and I know others do as well.

The unfortunate part of all this is I won’t know exactly how well, or not well, it’s doing for probably a month or two due to the way the sellers report sales.  Again the patience is being tested and I’m failing miserably.  Thus I will continue to repeat my previous process.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.  Deep breath.  Throw up or crap pants.

Driving Issues

Why are simple traffic rules so tough for some people?  Every day it seems I run into an issue with other drivers on the road.  It’s a scary thought to be out and about with other drivers.  Now, I’m not saying I’m the best driver but I do know the simple rules of the road.    Just in the last few days I’ve witnessed some very frustrating things.

Four-way stops:  At least once a day, I drive up to a four-way stop and another car is completely confused about what exactly should be happening.  Sometimes I stop at the same time as someone on my right.  They have no clue that they have the right-a-way.  It’s such an awkward moment, staring at them and then attempting to wave them through.  They do nothing for several seconds so I decide to go and then they finally decide to go as well.  We then have the herky-jerky stop and go dumbassery happening.  Finally I stop and wave them on with an angry hand gesture, no, not the one finger gesture, the ‘I’m going to slap you if I ever see you again’ wave while I’m shaking my head.

There are also the people who never went to geometry class because the shape of a stop sign looks like the shape of a yield sign to them.  These people either give a poor attempt at a stop or they slow a bit and then speed up through the intersection no matter how many people stopped before them.  I hate to be stereotypical here but most of the non-stoppers are men, leave it to them to think they own the road.

I laughed hysterically yesterday when there were four of us sitting at the intersection at the same time.  I was the last one to stop but the other three cars seemed to be in a deadlock, all staring at each other in a panic.  I couldn’t bother to wait, I went while they were all still figuring out who was on the right.  The last time I looked in my mirror they were still sitting there.

Using mirrors:  Twice in the last week I’ve had to use my horn excessively because someone was backing up and not using their mirrors.  They were headed right for me.  It took quite some time for them to hear the horn but they both missed me by mere inches.  I think I agree with something I read a few weeks ago which was “I’m going to get a car horn  that sounds like gunshots”.  I bet people would pay attention to my horn much sooner.

Merging traffic:  No one pays attention to the fact they have a yield sign when they’re merging.  I can’t tell you how many times I end up waiting for people who actually have the merge sign.  The worst part, they have no clue, and I mean no clue, that they were in the wrong, in fact, sometimes I even get the fist shake, the yell or the finger from people because they have no idea what is actually supposed to happen.

All I’m asking for here is for people to pay attention…..and perhaps take a refresher course on what should be happening at a four-way stop, read close, it can be confusing apparently.

This Is My Life

I truly have to wonder if the stuff that happens to me happens to everyone.  I think it does but most people probably find it more frustrating than funny.  I had one of those weeks this past week and of course I feel the need to share.

I had to break up a fight at the bar and I haven’t had to do that in a long time.  One of our regulars Jan was in and she was in rare form (well, not really rare for her).  She’s a bit rough around the edges but has a heart of gold.  I have rules for her when I’m there.  She has to pull up her pants, no wearing them below her butt cheeks, she can’t mooch off of other customers, she can’t ask me for money and she can’t try to sell me anything.  No, I am not lying, those are her rules.  She is VERY aware of them.

Anyway, Jan was with a girl and a guy.  Pretty soon her and the girl were off of their stools pushing and slapping each other.  Like a shot (I move pretty fast when it comes to this stuff) I went around the bar and got between them.  Then I panicked.  I not only got between them, I had my back to the regular.  In a matter of a couple of seconds some very bad scenarios went through my head, including getting a knife in the back.  I stepped away in one piece thankfully.  As I was yelling at her that she had to leave I added “now you have another rule, no fighting and I shouldn’t have to tell you that.  If it happens again, you’re out for good”!  I act pretty tough in times like that.

As I walked back behind the bar Matt, (another regular) said “holy crap, how did I miss that, I’ve never seen you move so fast”.  I said “the last thing I need is to have to call the cops on my shift, I take care of that on my own”.  He just laughed and went back to the game on his phone.  He’s normally the one that takes care of any riff raff while he’s there.

A few minutes after breaking up the fight a woman walked in wearing a pair of sunglasses.  Across the lenses it said SW AG.  Matt and I looked at each other and at the same time said “this ought to be good”.  It didn’t take her long to start dirty dancing and shooting pool.  She was using the pool stick as a stripper pole since we don’t actually have a stripper pole there.  She got a little worked up at one point so took her arms out of her hoodie and just wore it around her neck.  She was wearing a wife beater and was sportin’ some pretty large butt crack.  She didn’t care, she had swag and was going to prove to everyone she had earned those sunglasses.   She attempted to pick up a couple customers to take home but struck out.  She left and came back twice providing us with about two hours of entertainment but left empty handed each time.  Perhaps she found someone in a different bar.

Jan came in a couple days later apologizing for her behavior and tried to tell me she wasn’t fighting.  I argued with her for a minute and then she finally said “if we were fighting why did I wake up with her in my bed the next morning?”  I could only drop my head and go about my day, I had no argument for that and I certainly didn’t ask for any sort of confirmation.

Saturday night I had a group of three come in who were more than interesting.  The woman had won money somehow, somewhere and was throwing it around like it grew on trees.  She used her bra for a wallet and was going back to her stash like a fat kid at a buffet.  She bought her and her friends drinks, bought the other people in the bar drinks and put 20 bucks in the jukebox.  With that $20 she played two songs, the same two songs, over and over again.  She offered me 10 bucks to crank the jukebox.  I’m not proud, I did it and because she was buying drinks for everyone they all stood up and sang with her at the top of their lungs.

It wasn’t long before her and her man started dancing.  This was when I noticed that she had on a very sheer, very revealing shirt which didn’t cover much and continually fell off her shoulder to expose a lot of skin and a good portion of her bra.  I also noticed she wore a swimsuit bikini bottom under her jeans.  The strings and bows were hanging out of her pants and her crack was hanging out of both the bikini and the jeans.

It was difficult for me to watch this show with a straight face so I found something to do that would leave me with my back to them.  Soon after I started ignoring them I heard a thump and got that feeling in my stomach that something was going on I did not want to see.  I turned around and sure enough she was sitting on the bar with him between her legs.  I have never seen a 400 lb man dry hump anyone but he was going to town.

I thought the friction he was causing may start a fire and I was a bit scared to tell him to stop but I had no choice.  I yelled “hey, no no no no no no no, no, NO  You cannot do that on my bar.”  They both looked at me with that “what?” look on their face and he lifted her off the bar.  Thank goodness they stopped without issue but not before I was searching desperately for eye wash, or acid, or tequila, anything.  That’s something that I can never unsee.

The week ended at McDonald’s.  I was in desperate need of a small chocolate shake (I never used to crave chocolate but apparently that happens when they remove some of your girl parts, go figure).  I ordered my shake sans cherry, received my total and started to drive toward the window.  I stopped behind a red Dodge that was probably two car lengths from window number one.  His driver’s door was open with his rear sticking out and him digging under the dash.  My window was still open so when he straightened up he said to me “it’ll just be a second, it’s the battery, no big deal”.  He then proceeded to open the hood and dig around for a few seconds, close the hood and get in.  He was talking the whole time, telling me it wouldn’t be long.  His truck started and on he went to the first window.

After he paid, he stepped on the gas and the truck moved about three feet and then died again.  This time he seemed to be prepared and was veering to the right to get out of the way.  He stopped in front of the second window but he was in the actual driving lane.  I paid quickly and was laughing as I moved toward the second window.  As I got to the second window the guy’s passenger got out of the truck and said “screw this, I’m going in to get the food”.  His passenger left him there, stalled.  The driver opened his door and started pushing the truck by himself.

I went to the window, helped the very confused McDonald’s crew figure out which food went where because they kept trying to give me two McChickens (which actually belonged to the people behind me) and went on my very very merry way.   I giggled for about 30 minutes and had to call a friend to tell her about it.  I thought long and hard about what my friends would do and decided yes, they probably would leave me stalled to go get the food.

I can’t wait to see what this week brings.