Kris with a K

Thank goodness it’s midnight on a Sunday night and I hope most of my readers are sleeping because my computer just did some sort of kung fu, technical, sci fi, I have a virus crap and published a post that stated “I have”.  For those of you who read it, hopefully you made up a good story for what came after those two words, for those of you who didn’t……whew.

Here’s what I was thinking…….

I have now started to tell more and more people about my writing, including getting cards made….you can order 1000 for twelve bucks or something so why not?  I hate writing http://www.followingfunny.com on a bar napkin, a piece of scratch paper or the back of a deposit slip.  It’s not professional and it’s hard to remember where it came from…..and let’s not even talk about the bad branding.

This means that a fairly close circle of friends now know that I have a hobby.  Most are not surprised…..some are completely shocked.

I find it hilarious when some of my friends/acquaintances ask “will you be writing about me?” or “will you be writing about this?” (meaning what’s happening right then)  I usually say no but am secretly making notes about the moment, hoping they will fit into a story somewhere.  Oddly enough, there’s more that I don’t write about than I actually do write about because I don’t want to be offensive, my family might be reading it or I just cannot put it in words.

Tonight on my way home from a night away I stopped to see a friend who owns a bar.  She asked me for some more cards because she had given them all out and one of the guys said, “oh, I saw those yesterday and was wondering what they were all about”.  Then he started asking questions, we chatted, I gave him a card and he asked “oh, do I dare read it, have you been writing about me”.  I said no, “I don’t mention names and I’m fairly general with a lot of things I write”.

After some conversation I said “oh I have to write about that” and he asked “so you won’t use my real name?” and I said “no”.  He looked and me and we started laughing and he said “oh yeah, you’ll use Kris with a K”.  Well, that was enough to last the entire night.  It was Kris with a K from then on out.  I pretended to make mental notes, I actually made notes and act like I would really tell stories about him and the chickens running around in his front yard.

Sometimes you just have to make them sweat……

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Lionel Richie Concert

The other night there was a country music concert on TV that featured Lionel Richie and his music.  It was a great concert with wonderful performances.  I was a child in the 70s and 80s so I completely enjoyed it.

The funny part of the show was actually the crowd and a few of the performances.  Almost every crowd shot made me giggle or shake my head.  What’s really funny is that I received a text message from a coworker about 30 minutes into it regarding writing material.  I would like to share some of the texts we exchanged during the show.

Her: There is some prime writing material on CBS right now.  The crowd is highly entertaining.

Me: Oh yes, watching it.  Love the plastic beer glasses they all have.

Her: My hubby likes all the 50+ year old couples, women forcing their men to dance and when not dancing, snapping their fingers.

Me: Careful on the 50s, I’m almost there. 😉  Those two old blond women in the front were once the tramps on Lionel’s bus.

Her: Haha, the crowd is almost more entertaining than the songs. PS – there is no way you are even close to these crazy crowd members.

Me: You should see me at a Brett Michael’s concert!!  I’m in love with Jason Aldean.

Her: As am I!! I love the people in the crowd trying to sing along but are caught saying the wrong words.

Me: I know.  Who’s the drunk old broad with the butch haircut?  Should we know her?

Her: No idea. I laughed out loud at her though.

Me: Me too.  She had the look like……OMG, he just made eye contact with me……

Her: How about the group shot with hands in the air?

Me: Jesus grandma, put your arms down!!

Her: Your granddaughter wants her shirt back!

Me: LOL.  I just peed my pants at those two women.

Her: I was waiting for your input on those two.

Me: Love the hand gestures while they’re singing their hearts out, hands on their hearts like they can actually sing.  Oh good, the Joker…..I mean Kenny Rogers is coming on.

Her: There should be a legal limit on when you are no longer able to dye your hair platinum blonde. Anything over 30, maybe even 25 should be outlawed.  Did you see the lady wearing the sparkliest outfit of the night.  The place will go wild for those two.

Me: Oh yes, the platinum blonde, over tanned look…..you get old for that real quick. Kenny’s had a bit too much plastic surgery, it’s a wonder he can still sing.  I think he played in Batman.

Her:  I love the overhead clap.  Clap your hands in front over your body like a normal person.

Me:  Is he the walking dead?  Did he have a mortician do his makeup?

Her:  Yes, I believe so.  This is painful.  The close ups are even worse.  I had to turn away, it’s too painful.

Me: Really? You’re too old to do hip movements like that lady.

Her: I have no words for this final performance.  Rich’s pants in his sparkly cowboy boots?!

Me: And Big is pittin’ out really bad on his leather vest.

Her: And his pelvic thrusting is uncalled for.

Me: I was just trying to forget that.

Her: The dangers of staying in on a Friday night.

This is proof of why you should surround yourself with funny people.

Friday the 13th

I cannot imagine how many bloggers will write about Friday the 13th and all the glory it brings.  I will keep mine short and sweet.

Having a Friday the 13th reminds me of when I bartended regularly years ago.  The bar manager and I would play paper rock scissors to see who had to bartend when one of three things happened.

1.  The first of the month.  Holy welfare checks batman.  Welfare checks brought out the drinkers and the gamblers like a swarm of locusts.  These are people who drink a 40 ouncer out of a paper bag a majority of the month but on check day they live high on the hog and go to the bars.  They don’t necessarily get dressed up, shower or brush their tooth but they head out to the bars to party like it’s 1999.

2.  Full moon.  I don’t believe in werewolves or vampires but I do believe in the nutjobs that venture out when there’s a full moon.  I also believe that a full moon pushes people over the edge who are walking that bat shit crazy line anyway.  Add alcohol to this group and you have yourself a party fit for an insane asylum and as a bartender you’re the group therapy leader.  No. Thank. You.  When I would work on a full moon night I would feel like Dr. Weitzman from the movie The Dream Team, I was afraid that at any moment I could end up unconscious and the patients would run wild.

3.  Friday the 13th.  You would think there wouldn’t be much difference between a full moon and Friday the 13th but that’s not the case.  A full moon brings out the real nutjobs who don’t realize they’re like that, Friday the 13th brings out the wannabe nutjobs.  This group of people are exaggerated and obnoxious.  This is the most irritating of the three groups because they use this date to act like absolute jackasses.

Be careful out there today and keep in mind the other two times of the month I mentioned.

Funny Findings

I have to share these two thoughts before I forget them.

Yesterday and today I’ve been attempting to finish up taxes.  I’ve also been attempting to help Idaho find a new place to live…..no, not here, in Idaho.  I do the computer searches, he obviously does the legwork.  I found two things I’d like to share while working on these ventures.

First I will get my rant out of the way.   State IRS offices are in operation from 8:00 to 4:30 for both Minnesota and Wisconsin.  Really?  You’ve got to be dry humpin’ me!  It’s April 12th and you’re only open from 8:00 to 4:30??  Hey, some of us have jobs and don’t have the ability to hold for 30 minutes during work hours!!!  Unreal, I’m paying enough myself in penalties this year, no, not because I make too much, there should be enough to pay for some extra hours now that we’re down to the wire.

Enough of that, I would rather be drug naked over broken glass than deal with the IRS.

This second item almost made me pee my pants while I was looking for an apartment for Idaho.  I have to open the links to see exactly what they are and I came across this:

“for rent or sale the trailer is in (city) off simplot blve. trailer #50 has porch small fents yard”

I copied it right from the ad, I only removed the city.

Well, let me pick up the phone immediately and call you to see if I can look at the place.  You have painted such a vivid picture of it that I can see paradise in my mind.  I can also picture the landlord and what a treat that relationship would be.  I’m not sure what a ‘small fents yard’ is but I’m so curious I can’t stand it.  I hate to make assumptions but my guess is that we don’t have an English major on our hands.  I should give the number to Idaho just so he can go look at it and talk to this person…..how mean would that be?

Sleepless in Wisconsin IX

Oh boy, I really thought you had heard the last of my sleep-deprived ramblings but I was so very wrong.  You’re a little lucky, I waited 3 nights before I started writing about it again.

I guess I haven’t checked in with you after my sleep clinic…..I got my results back which said I didn’t have sleep apnea, thank you captain obvious, but they did let me know that I wake up almost 20 times an hour due to sudden movements.  Whatever that means.  To them it meant they prescribed me Trazodone, yup, a depression med that doubles as a sleep aid.  I’ve been taking that since I returned from Idaho, almost three weeks and I’ve been sleeping much better.

Some nights I’m super tired or I bartend late so I don’t take it and still sleep pretty well.  Now, when I say I’ve been sleeping well, I mean I get a good five hours of sleep, that makes me happy as a pig in poop.   I go in for a follow-up next week so I’m going to request they prescribe that by the truckload, we’ll worry about the side effects later or addictions late.  I think the list of side affects is the same for this as every other med out there, they just keep adding things to the list.

I did find out from my prescription drug guru, I’d tell you who that is but I’d have to kill you, that once you take this you have about an hour or so window to hit the sheets in order for it to work well.  If you happen to blow through that hour and get to the other side, it can have the opposite effect and keep you up for quite some time.  That seems to be where I am today, and where I was last night.  Idaho called a little late both nights so sleep has eluded me once again.

Tonight I got up and moved to the living room, obviously not looking for something good on TV because we already know how that goes.   I also decided I needed to have some nachos while I watch and write, why not make it a full-blown party while I watch people working out on infomercials.  Not sure how it is that I can stuff my face at 2:30 AM other than the fact I went to the dentist and didn’t really eat anything after the invasion of my molar.  I should be out walking every chance I get after what happened to me on Friday night.

Do you have that pair of jeans that’s so comfortable you just can’t get rid of them?  They’re several years old, on their third button, the bottoms are frayed and they’re so light blue they’re almost see-through?  That’s exactly what was going on with the pants I wore on Friday night.  I was sure I was going to get one more good wear out of them.  I did feel that the button may not make it through the night as the two threads holding it on were strained pretty good.  No button I can live with.  No butt or leg I cannot live with.

The pants made it through the bbq at my house and three bars, truly being troopers.  I was headed back to one of the previous bars to pick up someone we left behind and got into the car and felt the left butt cheek area give way.  I looked over at the guy sitting in the passenger seat and said “nothing good is going to come out of this”.   He looked at me as though I was crazy and then I said “I just ripped my pants”.  He laughed and said “oh I’m sure it’s not that bad”.  Wow was he wrong.

I got out of the car and pulled my t-shirt down over my butt, hoping to cover the damage.  He laughed hysterically when I showed him what was happening and then said, “it will be fine, we’ll be in and out and no one will notice”.  Well, he was partially right, at that place no one noticed.  As I got in and out of the car again I could feel the rip creeping its way down my leg.  Hindsight tells me I should have dropped him off and headed home to change my pants.

We got back to the rest of the group and all hell broke loose from there.  There was no covering the damage, not only was I freaking out but with every movement they ripped a little more.  Apparently once they were done, they were done.  At one point one of my friends decided to be a complete jackpot and grab my pocket and pull.  Needless to say that’s all that was needed to rip the pants down my entire left leg and through the bottom, leaving me with a right pants leg and my right butt cheek covered and nothing else.  The worst part of this story……..I wasn’t wearing underwear.

After some futile attempts to cover my bare ass, I turned to leave the bar with as much dignity as I could muster, which wasn’t much, and walked out the back door.   I got in the car to wait for everyone else to join me.  I then had to get out at my house with everyone still in the car laughing to go in and change.

I’m pretty sure when he grabbed my pocket he got more than he bargained for, no one deserved to see that…..well, maybe he did.  I’m sure the sight of my cottage cheese thighs and butt cheek are forever burned into his brain, that’s what he gets.  Lesson learned for me, don’t wear the pants out of the house that you think have ‘one more wear’ in them.

Oh boy, enough embarrassment for this evening and I think I finally yawned.  It’s 3:00 AM and I better try to get a few hours in before I get up for work.

The First 99

Wow, my 100th post.  As I’ve said before, I love milestones and this one is a good one.  When I first started this blog, I wasn’t sure I’d have 100 things to say.  Well, seems I did and I haven’t run out yet.  Too bad for all of you.  🙂

I took a look at my stats, listened to feedback and read through comments to see what kind of journey this has been.  Here’s a few things I’ve taken you through:

Your comments are much appreciated and here are some of my favorites from the first 99:

“Seriously I feel like I just did 50 sit ups. I was laughing so hard I got in an ab workout. Thanks Peg! Keep these stories coming and we’ll all have abs of steel!-I want to kill my neighbor – BA HA HA HA” – In response to The Lawnmower

“Hey I’m a dyslexic sign guy who doesn’t use spell check. Leave my fellow brethren alone. – In response to Funny Signs

“My most unfavorite wardrobe malfunction is a complete boob slip from a bathing suit. That’s right, not just a nipple, but a complete BOOB!  I thought I was Bo Derek rising up out of the water, until something was not quite right.  So there. At least you were still somewhat covered.” – In response to Exposed Behind

“BAHAHAHA! I LOVE the “Older women have no modesty” part… I almost peed!” – In response to At The Gym

“I didn’t even know a woman could get a groin pull… ouch!  BTW, I once entered my company’s tournament… and came in last. It was a sort of groin pull too, I guess.” – In response to Golf Outing

“I have always been of the opinion that exercise is dangerous to the health. Now I see it is also embarrassing. Thank God I rarely do it!” – In response to Another’s Gym Story

“This is insane. Props to you for not only surviving this crazy Idiot’s break-in but clearly owning him!” – In response to The Intruder

“I think something is wrong with my computer. It looks like the I’m the first to both like and comment on this hilarious post. Something’s definitely wrong…” – In response to I’m Jealous of My Dog

Keep reading, leaving comments, liking and most importantly, keep laughing.  Here’s to another 99!