Funny Blog Search II

When I wrote my original post about a funny blog search I thought they wouldn’t get much stranger; however, I think they have.  Here’s the latest “damn search engines never give me what I want” moment:

  • bunny sex with monkey

This term has been searched for more than once, I hope it was by the same person because more than one searching for that term would be scary.  Once again, I imagine I’m disappointing those people when they click on my blog.

Here’s to finding what you’re looking for when you search.

Phone One Liners

Have you ever had THAT guy in your office?  You know the one, doesn’t stick to the script on the phone and you can bet on the fact he says everything you tell him NOT to say?  Well, I worked with that guy for a few years.  Made me want to fire him most of the day and made me die laughing the remainder of the day.

It didn’t take long for people to start writing down some of the things this guy would say on the phone to clients.  I will give you two bits of information to keep in mind as you read through this list.  First, the clients he was speaking to on a daily basis were financial advisors from a major firm.  Second, he was talking to them about websites and how to utilize one within their business.

Following are actual quotes of his while on the phone:

  • <Talking about cold weather in northern MN> “That is why more babies are being born.  This is when cabins and bearskin rugs get a lot of use.”
  • Thanks for taking the time to talk with me today, I am going to go bleach my hair.
  • I was just playing chess with my friend in China all morning so just go ahead.
  • Some people do a wham, bam, thank you ma’am and go buy a big screen when they come into some money.
  • Friday I have a snip-snip procedure.
  • I wanted to tell Pete a “Time Vampire” was running loose in the office and bit me in the neck, which made it impossible for me to make the appointment.
  • Josh was right you are a handsome man.
  • Like a crossword puzzle I will not give up on you.
  • I apologize but we are now approaching for landing… I have another call…
  • Like we say up here in northern Minnesota, “Now we are singing out of the same hymnal…”
  • “…your front end and your back end aren’t speaking the same language…”
  • I am going to verbally explain this to you.
  • I just want to take this in my hands, wrestle it down and beat it up.
  • “I just have a little chunk of peppercorn stuck in the back of my throat, wowsers!”
  • “You know what we say in Minnesota Jack?  It does have to be snowing for you to get the drift.”
  • Do you want me to come over there and pour that half full glass of water on your head?
  • I was watching Good Morning America…That is going to be a scrappy dogfight until the last drop of blood.
  • As we say in Minnesota, we’ve got ‘er in the backseat and she’s all warmed up.

I have a very hard time reading these again without shaking my head and wondering how we never lost the client.  I also die laughing, wondering what in the hell actually was going on in that guy’s head.

The Gym Revisited

I finally made it back to the gym!  It was brutal.  The weights laughed at me when I walked by, the elliptical cried when I got on and the scale threw up when I stepped on it.
I have no idea why I think I can take a month off, jump on the elliptical, go great guns and do it for the same length of time and speed I was doing it when I quit.  Shit just doesn’t work that way.

By the time 20 minutes ticked off the clock it seemed like an hour and I was sweating like a whore workin’ two beds.  My legs hurt, my butt hurt and my shoulder hurt.  “Your shoulder?” you may ask, yes, even my shoulder got in on the action, it was time to get off before someone had to call 911.  I was not wearing a proper outfit to be greeted by potentially hot EMTs. 

I will ice my body, take pain pills, brave the elements and return tomorrow for more punishment.  I will survive……hopefully.

I will let you know how it goes.

The Fundraiser

Another great function over and done with.  We went, we saw, we conquered. 

My day started out a little rough, I was due to be at a Toastmasters function around 7:30 AM and that’s tough to do when you’re clock says 7:37 when you open your eyes!  Blood pressure up, curse words flying and feet moving.  What a way to get your blood pumping.  As you know, I don’t sleep when I’m supposed to, instead my body eventually gives up and I sleep when I shouldn’t.  I made it shortly after 8:00 AM with agendas in hand and got through officer training and my introduction of a speaker.

Whew, now it’s on to the fundraiser and making sure silent auction items are displayed and organized for optimal viewing, meat and cheese trays are sliced and put together, buns are cut and the raffle prizes are ready to go.

As usual, very few things go off without a hitch.  The first issue was “will the meatballs be done on time?”  Probably not, let’s move the food to 6:30.  No problem, people were still filing in and nobody was starving to death.

Second issue, “will the microphone be hooked up by the band in time for us to draw for the first raffle prizes at 6:00PM”?  Absolutely not, no way, no how.  The food tables were in the way of where the sound board was supposed to be.  Figure it out, I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve run into a little hitch in your giddy-up while setting up the sound. 45 minute delay, not a show stopper though, people were at least eating.  Then it’s decided, we’re going to start the drawings anyway.

“What? Start the drawings? Without a microphone? In a bar that holds a couple hundred people?”  Those were my first questions as the MC, legitimate I thought.  Ok, so we improvised.  We worked it like a volunteer group would work a sand-bagging effort, I shouted the number, someone shouted it again and someone shouted it at the front of the bar.  At this rate, my voice wasn’t going to last long and we were never going to give away the hundreds of prizes we had.  Good thing it was only about 10 minutes or I would have had to throw in the towel early.

A microphone in hand, food in my belly and prizes to give away, there was no stopping me now.  We did well giving away 15 to 20 raffle prizes every hour during the band’s breaks.  Getting everyone to pay attention, even when you have a microphone, is another challenge but one that we won’t fix any time soon.  People talking to others they haven’t seen for a while and there’s drinking involved.  Other than that, issues were over.

Between drawings was the best part of the night for me.  Myself and a few others stayed close to the band where the tickets were housed.  I was home base for those selling tickets so staying put was a necessity and a pleasure.  I had front row seats to the dancers!  For someone like me this is like Christmas.

This particular bar, in this particular part of town is always a prime spot for people watching.  One of the reasons I work there is because it’s an ego boost for me.  I feel so good about myself when I leave there, almost like the state fair only on a smaller scale.  If there’s any ‘normal’ regulars reading this, I’m not talking about you. 

The dancing starts toward the end of the first set.  You’ve all seen the one who starts it, long hair, combed with a pork chop yesterday, out there by herself, flailing around like she might be having a seizure.  I thought at first it was some sort of rain dance but after a few songs I realized that’s just how she dances.  No wonder she was dancing alone, a partner would have been beaten and bruised with the swinging arms and flipping hair.

She’s like the grand master of the parade, once she goes by, the parade can start.  Well, the parade started, Parade of the Mutants that is.  The couple who hasn’t danced for years, him with only one leg that bends sort of to the music and her with no legs or arms that bend.  Then you have the couple who were teenagers in the 80’s, still dancing the same way and they think they know the words to the song, raising their arms when they think the chorus starts and they’re about 15 seconds too early.  It doesn’t bother them though, they just keep going.

You’ll then see the princess, you know her, she’s dancing by herself but her boyfriend/husband is watching from the sidelines.  This weird little mating ritual goes on through several songs and maybe even a couple of sets.  It gets more and more  x-rated as the evening goes on.  She has of course gathered more than her husband as a crowd, some poking fun, some admirers. 

And finally, there’s THAT GUY, there he is, in his 60’s and he’s finally had enough to drink to ask all the ‘pretty girls’ to dance.  He moves, not necessarily at the appropriate times, but he moves.  He’s a toucher and almost looks like a predator on the dance floor shuffling after his latest victim, I mean dance partner.  He will provide entertainment until the band stops.  Sometimes, he will continue once the jukebox starts if you’re lucky, he’s shed his sweatshirt and his hat to get down to serious business.  The bartenders are watching close in case an ambulance is needed.

After the dancers start the night goes fast.  Raffles, laughs, people watching, ego boosting and more laughs.  Before I know it the night wraps up.  Exhausted, pleased with the outcome and feeling good about myself because I’m still upright, I have all my teeth and I’m going home wearing all my clothes.  What a great night.

Facebook Page

Two publishes in the same day, hold the phone!

I broke down.  I did it (well, sort of).  I set up a Facebook page for Following Funny.  This has been quite the ordeal for me who has refused to set up a personal profile.

I use a computer every day (obviously) so I’m not scared of technology; however, when I went to set up a FB page last night it took me hours to decide what type of page to do.  Once I decided to take the plunge and I was “in” my editor it was like finding my way through a corn maze.  Needless to say I don’t do mazes so at this point I’m still stuck in the field.

There are several things I believe I could do faster than setting up this page:

  • Break into Fort Knox
  • Run a 5k
  • Teach my parents to use a cell phone
  • Potty train a child
  • Swim the English Channel
  • Finish my BA
  • Bike to Minneapolis
  • Lose 50 pounds
  • Write a novel
  • Get my pilot’s license

Okay, now that I’ve got that off my back, I better get back to it and continue setting up my page.

I’m Jealous of My Dog

To start this off I better tell you that I don’t have a dog and I will probably never have a dog.  We had dogs while I was growing up but as an adult, I’ve been dogless.

A few weeks ago I heard a coworker of mine say “I’m jealous of my dog”.  We laughed and  I told her I was going to write about that and she thought it would be a good idea.  Here are the reasons I would be (and she is) jealous of a dog:

  • People tell dogs stuff and who can they tell?  No one.  They’re the perfect therapist because no human speaks dog.
  • Dogs can do their business in front of anyone, no need to be shy or worrying about leaving the door open.
  • Dogs get their belly, back, ears and butt scratched without having to ask.  
  • Dogs never have to worry about saying something  they shouldn’t.  You know, sometimes we use our external voice when we should use our internal voice.
  • When it itches, dogs scratch it, no questions, no worries, no embarrassment.
  • Dogs can take several naps a day and they’re not judged, it’s expected.  Hell, if they don’t want to get out of bed they don’t have to.
  • Dogs don’t have to do dishes, clean the bathroom, do laundry, pay bills or drive the car.  Someone else does all of that for them.  A complete lack of responsibility.
  • Dogs don’t have to go to work every day, they’re job is to look cute, wag their tail and love their owner.  If a dog does have to work, it’s really not work to them, it’s fun.
  • Dogs love you unconditionally, your flaws don’t matter to them.
  • They can stick their heads out the car window without being embarrassed about what it does to their hair. 
  • Enjoying the simple things in life, like ice cubes, the first snowfall, fetching a ball, chasing cars, you know, the simple things.
  • Being blamed for bad gas and no one knows whether you actually did it or not.  You just always have the look of ‘Who me?’ And then bark at the neighbor lady who is standing next to you so your owner knows she really did it.
  • We’re not even going to talk about the promiscuity.

I’m sure there are hundreds of more specific reasons but that’s what I’ve got so far.

Sleepless in Wisconsin V

Here we go again, after a couple of hours of sleep I’m sitting on the couch and have been attempting to watch TV for over an hour.   Tonight I’m not only wide awake but I’m restless which isn’t good.  I’m thankful at this moment the grocery store isn’t open or I would be there with my list, coupons, bad hair and inappropriate outfit.  Yes, I could go to Wal-Mart but that would be tragic, completely tragic, as I would end up in the next people of Wal-Mart email.  Some of those people already hit too close to home, I don’t actually need to be one of them.

I watched college football a good portion of the day today so Sports Center is out of the question and I’m sure I don’t have to reiterate why that is.  My channel surfing went well beyond my normal limits and I’m watching Comedy Central.  Not that I don’t ever watch Comedy Central, it just happens to be in the channels I rarely get to and tend to forget about.  I’m enamored by the commercials on this station.

The commercials that are on at 3:30 in the morning are kind of crazy.  Did you know that Jimmy Johnson does a commercial for Extenze?  Seriously Jimmy, Extenze?  I don’t even know what to say about that.  Are you really that hard up for money?  I bet one of my next posts will be another one about search engine terms, some poor guy trying to find out how to enhance his sex life is going to find this blog because I’m flabbergasted by Jimmy Johnson.  Sorry buddy.

Along with Jimmy there are tons of commercials for a chat line of some sort.  Apparently this isn’t a date line, it’s a phone call with benefits.  And the commercials aren’t for the same one, there’s several numbers, I wonder if it’s really the same people answering all of those numbers.  They show these sexy men and women on the commercials and you know darn well the people actually answering the phones do not look like that.  There’s a good chance they’re toothless home bodies that haven’t showered in three days.  Sexy huh?

There’s two other commercials that are completely disturbing to me this morning.  One is for something called Forever Lazy which seems to be one piece pajamas.  Ok people, I understand we might want these; however, the commercial shows people running through a field, having drinks with the neighbors and having dinner with the family.  What?  You couldn’t put actual clothes on to do those things?  I really think they could have stopped with the scenario of watching movies at home and being snuggled up on the couch because I’m pretty sure that’s the only place anyone is going to wear this thing.

The second commercial is for something called Good Vibrations or something like that.  This is a personal item for women.  Ok, fine.  The commercial shows a woman getting this in the mail and talking to her neighbor about it.  This is not something I’d be sharing with my neighbor, let alone standing on the street opening the package for the world to see.  Again, can’t we think of better scenarios to portray this product?  No matter how good this product is I’m most likely not going to be talking about it and showing it to my neighbor.

I’m afraid if I keep watching there will be more so I better attempt to get some sleep.  It’s after 4:00 AM and people are actually getting up for the day.  Maybe I’ll read and stay up until the grocery store at 6:00.  Hmmmm.

A Break From the Gym

Ok, I confess, vacation did me in.  I am now out of the habit of going to the gym.  But, I’m getting back on track next week.  No. Really, I am!  I have to.  And I have to because I see the signs:

  • The button on my suit jacket was screaming at me today.  The poor little thing was completely struggling, especially when I was sitting down.
  • I have to actually unbutton my pants to take them off and put them on.  They were big enough I didn’t have to do that before.
  • I look more pregnant than my pregnant friend.  How embarrassing is that?
  • Going for a walk on break feels like I’ve run the half marathon (and in my mind I have).
  • My skinny jeans (I use this term VERY loosely) don’t get past my cheeks anymore.  And by skinny I mean the skinniest ones in my closet, they’re still made by the tent and awning company but they’re the smallest I have.
  • My socks leave an indention in my ankles, more water, more water, more water, more exercise, more exercise, more exercise.
  • On Sunday my Vikings t-shirt looked like I had borrowed it from the 12-year old neighbor girl.

It’s time to suck it up, get back to the gym, shower with the old gals, be squeamish about the lack of grooming and sweat like a fat kid at a candy store with a quarter!