I leave for vacation in less than a week!  For me, that means it’s time to panic.  For Idaho, it’s time for him to think I’m crazy.  I’ve had my suitcase out for a couple of weeks and slowly started putting items in it.  He thinks he might start packing on Saturday, which is the day before we leave!!  I believe he may be the one that’s crazy…shhhh…don’t tell him I said that.

Last night I started the anxiety train about ‘forgetting something’ and packed my entire suitcase.  I was almost ready to shut it when it hit me that I didn’t put any swim suits in!  Seriously, there is something wrong with me, packing and zipping it 7 days before I’m ready to leave, without swimsuits.  No wonder I forget stuff.

I used to travel for work and would basically do the same thing, worried I would end up in the middle of New Jersey shopping at a gas station for nylons, black socks or dress shoes. I was meticulous about making sure I had everything, even more so after my coworker packed two different color shoes one trip.  She had to borrow a pair from another coworker, they were a bit big for her and we laughed the entire time she had to wear them.  I wasn’t about to end up in front of a hundred Financial Advisors in tennis shoes or no shoes at all.

I’m sure I will ‘repack’ several times this week and still forget something.  I’m leaving myself little to no room for error this time as I’m taking the shuttle to the airport.  There will be no stopping to shop before the airport for sure.  Speaking of the shuttle, if you’re on I 35 early Sunday morning and see me walking, please pick me up.  I’ve never taken the shuttle before so hopefully it gets me to the airport on time and in one piece.

Here’s to a well packed suitcase, safe travels and a trip full of funny stories I can share.


I “Jogged” Today

Holy snapping ankles Batman!

Today I went to the gym at lunch – wrong thing to do.  Note to self: there is not enough time to get there, change, stretch, have a decent workout, shower and get back to work in an hour. 

I decided that I needed to get as much cardio in within my time limit as I could so I decided today I would go on the indoor track and walk a lap, then jog a lap.  Well, we all know how I feel about jogging but today I felt I had to do it.  The amount of calories I would have burned on the elliptical wouldn’t have amounted to a hill of beans. 

I just watched Biggest Loser on Tuesday, I can do this.  If a 372 lb guy can jog at a 9 on the treadmill for 20 seconds I should be able to jog a lap here and there on an indoor track.  I walked the first few laps, attempting to gear up to a ‘jog’.  There were a few older people walking pretty slow and one fairly fast walker.   Here’s how it went:

  • Walked 5 or 6 laps (short track)
  • Jogged a lap (felt pretty good)
  • Walked a lap (get lapped by fast walker)
  • Jogged a lap (don’t catch the fast walker, felt okay)
  • Walked a lap (losing lots of ground on fast walker)
  • Jogged a lap (pass the slow walkers, almost catch the fast walker)
  • Walked a lap (breathing hard now, head starting to pound)
  • Jogged a lap (ankle wants to snap, I keep trucking and pass the fast walker, after he’s lapped me again)
  • Walked a lap (sweating profusely now)
  • Jogged a lap (decide I do not have the correct ‘equipment’ on for this, wonder where I need to shop for a good one)
  • Walked a lap (short breaths, chest hurts, slowed way down)
  • Jogged a lap (holy sweet mother of Mary how do people do this)
  • Walked a lap (it was more like dragged a leg for a lap as I was lapped by one of the slow people with a limp)
  • Sat on the rubber ball for a few minutes watching the fast walker do his thing and not break a sweat.  Look down and my shirt is soaked, I have sweat running in my eyes and my ankles are screaming at me.  But, I am still upright after what amounted to a third of a mile jogging.
  • Head to the locker room, victorious.

Another’s Gym Story

I love it when people share funny stories with me, especially about themselves.  As you well know by now, I think it’s so healthy to be able to laugh at yourself.  I received the following story via email today:

If you need to know anything about me, it’s that I’m long winded…. (which is obvious from the below BOOK) maybe if you play your cards right this situation can happen to you too! In retrospect, it was quite thrilling, my average hump day morning doesn’t generally start out with quite a bang!

 So I got up at the a$$crack of dawn, went to the gym, got there surprisingly early and was able to actually drop my bag off in the locker room as opposed to dragging it to the spinning room. First. Time. Ever. so proud. (this should’ve been my first indication to turn around and go back home)

 As I approached the locker room I noticed a sign hanging near the door but didn’t thoroughly read it. I got a locker, shoved my stuff in and headed to class. After class I headed back to the locker room half dead, I once again didn’t thoroughly read the lengthy sign hanging on the door, but this time did notice that it said ‘closed’ and ‘Friday’ was highlighted, I thought to myself ‘whatever, it’s Wednesday’. Coincidentally, I additionally noticed the locker room door was propped open, that seemed a bit weird but I still didn’t pay too much attention.

I got to my locker, felt lucky that I was the only one in the usually busy locker room, and as a result was pretty stoked that I should easily get the best shower in the joint! (bonus!) I undressed, wrapped myself in the tiny excuse of a towel (slightly bigger than a hand towel), did a little putzing in my bag looking for my shampoo…when suddenly I hear this SUPER loud noise, like something being dragged across the floor…then in the mirrors I noticed that the something being dragged across the floor was actually a giant workbench being pushed by 4 MALE workers!!! DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, more like HALF NAKED DYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had nowhere to go because I was stuck in a U-shaped bank of lockers, a complete dead end! As I’m having a heart attack trying to calmly plan an escape route in my head, they finish pushing the damn workbench. Conveniently they stopped right in front of my row of lockers, they still hadn’t noticed me since I was basically stuffed half way in my locker, stealthily watching the fully clothed men in the mirrors. At this point I’m in a complete panic wondering how the F I’m going to get out of this pickle. I threw in my chips and finally peeked my head around the locker door and politely said “I’m going to get dressed and get out of your way” they all were VERY surprised to say the least and quickly (but not quick enough) moved to the back of the locker room away from my locker. I abruptly grab all my crap and bolt for one of the changing stalls down the way from my locker only to be met by yet another flippin fully clothed man, he stopped to let me cross his path, such a gentleman, and  I muttered the same line to him as he snickered on by.

 Yep, that’s how I started my day. Needless to say I threw my clothes back on and went to the other locker room, which was full of much smarter women who obviously read signs and don’t undress in locker rooms that have doors open. Ahhhh.

 The only consolation is that because I merrily took my time putzing in my bag searching for shampoo, I didn’t actually make it into the shower before the clothed men arrived. That would’ve been a bit more horrifying, if that’s even possible.

I completely appreciate stories like that as I know I am not alone.  The other funny part is she mentioned to me the name of the company these fully clothed men were working for and I know guys who work there!!  I can’t wait to hear their side of the story.


Sleepless in Wisconsin IV

Oy ve.  This no sleeping thing is for the birds.  2 nights in a row it’s been bad, bad, bad.

Here are my ramblings from those 2 nights.

Sunday morning 3:37 AM.  What in the sam hell am I doing awake at this time of the morning again??  Going to the gym has helped me tremendously with my sleeping, at least I’m giving the credit to the gym, I actually have no idea why I’ve been sleeping better.

Here I am once again, on the couch, surfing through channels hoping to come across something that will lull me to sleep.  I’m also looking for something that won’t embed itself into my unconscious if I do happen to fall asleep.  I’m down into the ‘normal’ channels and I see nothing but infomercials and sports shows.  Not good sports either, a Big Ten football game from 1991, a classic baseball game or some ultimate fighting rerun.  Hey, guess what, we know who wins!!

The infomercials actually do lull me to sleep but then I wake up certain I have an acne problem, wanting to get rich quick on real estate or feeling like I need to order work out DVDs.  It’s the same with overnight news programs.  I think I know the news but get it mixed up because it’s buried deep so I wake up thinking there was guerrilla warfare in Canada, a plane crash in Kansas and a factory fire in Russia.  When in all actuality there were gunshots reported in Minneapolis, a train derailment in Seattle and wildfires in California.

Perhaps if I’d stop writing at this time of the morning I could sleep!!  Now there’s a thought.  Back to my attempt to sleep.

It’s 6:30 AM and last night I couldn’t even get to sleep, forget the couple of hours of sleep BEFORE being up for the night.  Well, last night I decided that I wasn’t going to look at the time, get out of bed or play Minesweeper or solitaire.  Unfortunately what was left was to let my brain run wild.  Not sure why I would do that…..well, actually I do know why, you just read how middle of the night TV works for me so I’m boycotting that.  My back is also boycotting the couch, no matter how comfortable it is, it’s still not a bed.

My mind was mostly on my vacation that’s coming up so in my mind I:

  • Packed my bag, mad I haven’t been buying new clothes, then went off on a tangent of how I spend my money.
  • Got my outfit situated for the plan ride.
  • Worried about our room – I have to call the resort today.
  • Made plans for a day in Daytona.
  • Paid my credit card bill.
  • Made a work to-do list for before I leave.
  • Counted the number of times I can go to the gym and if I starve myself for 2 weeks how much weight I can lose.
  • Wondered if we’ll be ‘that couple’ at the airport when we see each other for the first time in almost 10 weeks – no, not ‘that couple’ looking for a broom closet – get your mind out of the gutter.
  • Made a home to-do list before I leave, like turning down the heat, having someone check on the place and doing laundry so I don’t come home to a mess.
  • Got off on a tangent about housework, work presentations, New Year’s (possibly traveling to North Carolina) and people from high school (don’t ask, I have no idea).
  • Thought of people who I could ‘borrow’ pain killers from to help me sleep.  I have to be careful what kind though, some make me itch and I don’t mean a little itch.  Itching from pain killers will be a story for later.

How is it you go through these things step by step in your head and they work out so perfectly?  Then, when it comes time to actually do them, they don’t seem to go as planned?  I will get to Florida and have forgotten to pack a pair of actual pants and it will rain every day  or I will forget my ID or credit card for renting the car.  Perhaps if I’d stop obsessing about it I would sleep!!!

Spiral Staircase

Most everyone who comes to my house falls in love with the spiral staircase that goes upstairs to my bedroom.  It looks cool but boy can it be a pain in the rear.

The first reason they’re a pain is because you can’t just carry laundry up and down in a basket.  Bringing laundry down is easy, I throw it over the edge.  Taking laundry up, a different story.  It tends to sit on the chair in the living room until I feel like getting a workout carrying it up the stairs.  It’s quite the workout no matter how you look at it.  I either try going up with one of the baskets in front of me, hitting the railing at every step, almost falling backwards, then readjusting, then one more step.  The 11 stairs seem like a marathon at that point, on those days, I don’t need to go to the gym (at least that’s my excuse).  The other way is to take the laundry without a basket.  I approach this like I approach carrying in groceries, I have to do it in one trip (what is it with that?).  Normally that ends in defeat, the clothes fall everywhere or end up on the steps and I have to go back to get them anyway.

The second reason they’re a pain is because they’re made of wood, slippery wood.  If I forget and take the stairs down in socks I’m pretty much doomed to spend a step or two on my butt and no matter how much padding I have there, it still hurts like a bugger.

There’s also the issue of possibly drinking too much.  Spiral staircases are not your friend when too many adult beverages have been consumed.  I have to plan accordingly when I have company and figure out what it is they will be doing……do I dare put them up in my room or not? 

A perfect example of the biggest reason the stairs are bad is yesterday morning at 12:11 AM I woke up in excruciating pain.  Stomach cramps and a headache.  By the time I reached for my phone, checked the time and started across the room I knew it was going to be a close call.  I’m pretty sure I don’t have to go into detail about what exactly the close call was going to be so I won’t.  As I shuffled across the floor upstairs it hits me that I have to make it down “the stairs” (play some horror movie music in your head right here).  Immediately I start to sweat and clench.  As I’ve mentioned, they’re not only spiral, they’re wood.  That morning they’re wasn’t exactly time to be careful so I said a silent prayer and took them as fast as I could.  As fast as I could was barely fast enough, through the living room, through the kitchen to relief.  As I said a silent “thank you” I realized what I was really thankful for was that I didn’t finally have a story to tell around the campfire about having an “accident”.

Spiral stairs are nice to look at but before installing them in your house make sure you have a comfortable couch to sleep on that’s safely on the first floor and near a bathroom.

College Football

College football is sometimes said to be a religion…..well, I think I now have proof that it is.

My Idaho guy is an Oklahoma Sooners fan.  The day I met him on the plane, he was dressed in a Sooners jersey, a Sooners long-sleeved shirt and a Sooners hat.  If Wranglers made a pair of Sooners jeans he would have been wearing those I’m sure.  I didn’t get a chance to check out the belt buckle, it could have been Sooners for all I know. 

On a recent phone call, I told him that I was following the Sooners on Twitter so perhaps I could have an intelligent conversation with him in the coming weeks.  Well, that’s all it took for him to get on a soap box and talk and talk and talk.  I started to wonder if I needed Twitter to keep up on anything, all I needed to do was ask him.

 As I got the giggles while he was talking he stopped and said, “you know, today I ran into a guy who said, “man, those Sooners should have a great season” and that’s all it took for me to unleash about college football.  Well, 30 minutes later, I knew I should stop talking but just couldn’t get myself to do it.  I finally said to the guy, I feel like one of those preachers in the south who just can’t shut up, I’m sorry.”  He said the guy was already in some sort of a trance and just stared at him.

Then he said to me “I think I have a problem honey.  Why do I do that?”  The fact that I was already laughing hysterically did not help the situation at all.  I was picturing him on a stage preaching to a sea of crimson and white about college football and I had to tell him that.  I couldn’t give him any sound advice and honestly could barely speak at all.  Needless to say the conversation took quite the turn and both of us laughed and made up stories for the next hour.

It’s surprising how quick the mind works and usually goes off on a tangent you don’t want it to.  The scenario of him acting like a southern preacher played out very vividly in my mind and completely overtook my thoughts.  I do believe college football is a religion to some.  As a side note:  I DO NOT call him on Saturdays.

Naughty Dog

Friends of mine own a naughty dog.  She’s a cute Basset mixed with naughty.  I mean eat a pound of butter off the kitchen counter naughty.  Well, them being avid readers of Following Funny, they were kind enough to send me pictures of her latest escapade.

This is what happens when you forget to close the pantry door on your way to work.  I believe there is now a sign on the back door that says “Close Pantry Door”.

Looks to me like she wasn’t exactly going after her dog food but did finish off a bag of Doritos, some bread, a good portion of the garbage and a soda while she read the paper.  The least she could have done was found the broom in there and cleaned up after herself before she got caught.  She must have been too stuffed from her little binge.

It seems what she really wanted what was in this container but her lack of thumbs prevented her from getting it open.

5 teeth holes and excessive scratches just didn’t get the job done, she must have given up and went for the Doritos.

How to Lose Your Job

In my work experience I have only been dismissed from my job once.  However, I have been privy to or a part of several things that SHOULD have gotten me fired.  I will not tell you which of these things I have actually done, you’ll just have to guess.

Saying the F word to the owner of the company.
While schlepping packages at a parts company, the boss yelled and asked an office employee why they were stacking packages on pallets in the warehouse.  He yelled this from his office which was above the warehouse floor.  Well the employee, being mad already that packaging wasn’t doing their job said something along the lines of “if you don’t like it get your (insert F word here) a$$ down here and do it yourself”.  There were several other things said by the employee including more curse words . Needless to say that employee was not on the job much longer although it was posed as a ‘lay-off’.

Shutting the company down.
At a technology company a customer service person was accused of shutting the company down for 4 days because she opened an email with a virus.  There were never any facts presented in the matter and she blamed someone in the Development group.  The jury is still out on whether or not it was really her.  She nor the developer lost their jobs but they sure did a lot of filing for 4 days.

Drinking margaritas during lunch.
Two women decided to try out a new Mexican restaurant at lunch.  As luck would have it if you bought a margarita you received a free sombrero.  Well, why not, one margarita couldn’t hurt.  One margarita turned into two margaritas as they were delicious.   Feeling slightly tipsy (they were not wimpy margaritas)  giggles erupted on the way back to the office and as they were riding up the elevator the conversation was something like this:
Woman 1:  Okay, we can do this.
Woman 2:  Shhhh, we’re fine.
Woman 1:  Seriously, those were strong.
Woman 2:  <Giggle, giggle> I know but good.
Woman 1:  Ok (pointing her finger), be serious, no one will know.
Woman 2:  We’re fine, straighten up.
As they get into the office the receptionist says “were you two drinking at lunch?”  Woman 1 says “why would you think that?”  The receptionist starts laughing hysterically and says “because you are each wearing a sombrero”.  The two women look at each other and the  massive hats with astonishment as they both completely forgot they were wearing them.  Immediately taking the hats off, straightening up and heading straight to their desks they swore to stay away from people as much as possible the rest of the day.  This did not cost them their jobs but easily could have.

I’m sure I will think of more stories and I bet you know of a time you or someone else should have or did lose their job because of something they did that was not so ethical but pretty funny.

Dream Job

I used to say that my dream job would be taking vacations for those people who never took them.  I’d travel with their family to wherever they wanted to go, take pictures and eat their favorite foods.  So many people have no ‘time’ to take vacations and allow their vacation days to expire or just keep rolling them over.  I’m a firm believer in vacations but I’ve decided that is not my dream job anymore.  Why?  Because I’d have to travel with their families, take pictures and eat their favorite foods, that’s why.  Thinking about it more in-depth I realized I can’t travel with just anyone and when you find someone you don’t like to travel with it can be miserable.

I traveled for work for about a two-year stretch and traveled with approximately 20 different people (that’s not counting the 45 people I traveled with on a bus to Indianapolis for a trade show, that’s for a completely different post).  I would dare to bet that if I had the choice I would only pick 10 to 12 of the 20 to travel with again.  Not because I don’t like them, because our traveling styles are completely different. 

You find out what people are really made of when you’re stranded at an airport, getting frisked, need help hauling work materials,  or driving in traffic.  Some of that is very scary.  I’ve been in Detroit overnight with a coworker (and a random guy from the re-ticketing line), I’ve had to take off a suit jacket and get frisked in a see-through tank top standing in front of a window where my coworkers were watching, I’ve been left behind because a coworker was more worried about their one bag than the 5 I had to carry containing work materials and I’ve been lost in New Jersey because of bad directions.  You will probably hear about all of those things as each one has quite the story.

There are trips that I’ve actually prayed would come to an end because of the sheer misery of the situation and the person I was traveling with.  On the other hand there have been trips I prayed would never end because of the fun we were having.

After I traveled for work and couldn’t pick my travel partners was when I decided my dream job was no longer my dream job.  I was going to pick the people I take my personal vacations with.   It’s time I move on and find a new dream job.  I’ll let you know what I decide.

Funny Pictures II

Start writing a blog about funny things and people will start sharing stuff with you like nobody’s business.  Here are a few things I’ve received lately:

This was on sale on Ebay.  Do you think the extra legs come with the dance uniform?

Can’t imagine why this guy is walking alone.

Look closely, a very rare siting of three fanny packs.  Thank goodness for cameras.

And the best for last from the front window of a craft store…………