Versatile Blogger Award

Apparently someone nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award.  I appreciate it from a fellow bloggerBroke Wife, Big City was kind enough to pass the nomination on to me.  From what I can tell, there are rules to this award, one of which is I have to list 7 random things about me.  Here goes the 7 things…..

  • I’m a Monday night TV junkie. 
  • I like to find dive bars wherever I travel to, places where not a lot of people go and you don’t have to worry about what you wear or who you are.  This bar will preferably have shag carpet on the walls, two old guys playing cribbage and a crabby bartender that loosens up after he/she “gets to know” you.
  • I’m from a small town in central Minnesota, my parents knew what I did about 3 minutes after I did it.   You have to love coming home to all the lights on and them standing in the kitchen to have a little chat.
  • My Mom once picked me up from a party in her bathrobe, she came in the house asking people where I was.  All my classmates saw her.  I was never late again.
  • I’m deathly scared of snakes, nutcrackers and striped sheets.  Don’t ask, I have no idea.
  • I would love to travel to Australia.
  • I would never kick Jason Aldean out of bed….unless of course he wanted to do it on the floor.  I know he’s married but…..a girl has to have one fantasy.

Another rule is to nominate 15 other bloggers for this award.  Thank goodness I’ve been reading Freshly Pressed and doing some searching to see what others are up to.  Here’s my best shot:

Barb’s Blast – A funny read

Not Quite Old – A great perspective

Minnesota Transplant – God love Minnesota

The Reviews Are In – Love the football and food segments

All Write – He wrote about The Hole in the Wall and I love books

Chuck Cotton – The bacon scenes blog is the best

An Attempt at Humor – Funny

Jen Aussie Adventure – I’m a fan of Australia

Sweet and Weak – Great concept

Coffee and Bare Feet – Not enough kids are willing to be advocates for God

The Biz of Pacelinebiz – Long-time blogger

Changing My Life in a Year (more or less) – A fellow struggler

Elementary My Dear Reader – Love movies and books

What I Meant 2 Say – Honest

Winnemucca Move – My friend Jena who has moved to Nevada and has a great outlook on the situation.

Whew, that’s a lot of information for an award that doesn’t allow me to do an acceptance speech on stage and have the teleprompter tell me to wrap up for 6 minutes until they finally go to commercial.  This post will have to do.

Thank you, I am truly honored.

Gym Orientation

I did not think that I would write about the gym so much!  I now realize the gym is a breeding ground for funny in so many ways.

Last week I had weight orientation with a wonderful trainer.  Weight orientation is where they show you the machines, ask what your trouble spots are (like they can’t see) and get you started on a good weight routine.  We also laughed a lot, not sure that’s the normal routine but it worked for me.

Well, first of all, I really just thought she was going to show us the machines and explain them… oh no, we had to try them out, etc.  I was a little late getting there so I had my work clothes on and left my work-out clothes in the car. 

How nice to be trying out the machines in dress shoes, jeans and a white sweater (of course with a stain from lunch on it).  People were looking at me like I was crazy.  About half-way through the orientation one of my underwires decided to attempt to escape and was poking me in a not so great place.  When those things happen there’s no lady-like way to fix it other than grabbing, pulling, shifting and maneuvering.  So tough being a woman sometimes.

As we were finishing up I did see a fellow with jeans and a Larry The Cable Guy flannel on using work gloves as weight lifting gloves so I didn’t feel so bad.  The gloves even looked like they might have had a little residue left on them from the farming he’d done earlier.

Gotta love us rednecks going to the gym.  Maybe I’ll pick up a pair of those gloves this week for my weight work-outs.

Funny Blog Search

This blogging thing is interesting.  There’s so much I have yet to learn not only about writing but about blogging itself.

I was looking at my site stats today and noticed there is an area called Search Terms.  Obviously this is what someone searched for when they found my page.  I read through that list tonight and pretty much wet my pants.  Giggled for a good 20 minutes before I could even share the one that REALLY caught my eye. 

The search term:  naked mud riding parties

Now, I’m no prude but I have no idea what the hell that is.  I know what mud wrestling is but the word riding brings a whole new element.  Do you bring your own saddle?  Enough of that, I better not speculate on what it might be or why someone was searching for it, I’ve also resisted any temptation to search for that myself because I really don’t want to know, not tonight anyway.  It might be disturbing and I’m here by myself.

I wonder how disappointed that person was when they clicked on my blog?  Is that one of those “damn search engines never give me what I want moments”?  Perhaps my blog ruined a ‘special moment’ they were trying to have, sorry buddy. 

I’m certainly going to watch the search terms closer now, maybe there’s an untapped market of readership out there I have no idea about!!

At The Gym II

Uff da.  Today was day 5 at the gym and I’ve witnessed more than I thought I ever would in a mere 5 days.  Some of these things are funny, some are disturbing and some are cute.  As days go on I’m sure there will be more but here are some quick observations.

There is a group of men that hang out on the bench outside of the locker room each morning.  I arrive about 6:10 AM and it seems they’re already into some very intense conversations.  The gym opens at 5:30 AM so I’m not sure if they’ve worked out already, are waiting for the machines (which is a no), are watching the women or they’re just there for coffee.  I wonder how long my insurance company would reimburse me each month if I just started to check in to have a coffee clutch with the old guys.  It’s interesting, the women don’t do that.

What the women do do, is walk around and weigh themselves naked.  I know I mentioned this already but the more I’m there the more I realize that I see more naked women in the mornings than I have ever cared to.  I don’t even like looking at myself naked let alone anyone else.  If they’re not naked, there are parts of some sort hanging out.   I’ve come to the conclusion, naked isn’t all that good looking, sexy, handsome, whatever you want to say.  I was talking to the man about this and he put it a good way, he said, “no one really looks that great naked, but when you’re with the one you care about, naked becomes about something different, you are looking at that person in a different way, not just as an object”.  That was a great answer, a nice way to say, “honey you look really bad naked”, but a great answer nonetheless.  No matter what age we are, parts aren’t always where they’re supposed to be, naked isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

I’ve realized some people are disgusting.  This morning I watched a woman move from machine to machine in her well-planned work-out.  I saw her on a total of 6 machines, great, awesome, good job……however, she didn’t wipe any of the machines off!!! She was sweating worse than me on the elliptical (and that’s a lot) so she was dripping everywhere.  Honestly sister, have some consideration for the poor soul going on it after you.  My saga with her does not end there sadly enough, when she came into the locker room, she put her clothes (sports bra and shorts) into the bathing suit dryer! Really?  Your sweaty, stinky, probably non-washed clothes in the same place I dry my swimsuit? Honestly, gross.

Now to end my ramblings on a better note, for the last two mornings an elderly couple (and I mean elderly) has been there.  She rides a bicycle in sweats, a shirt, a zip up sweatshirt and a jacket and he is standing next to her coaching and encouraging her.  Now mind you, she’s not breaking any land speed records but she’s moving and he’s being supportive.  So very sweet.

Technology Help

Do you have those friends or family?  You know the ones, they know what a computer is but have no idea what it actually does or how to ‘go on that internet’.  Well I have them.  One is on the way over here as I type because she needs to order a dress after shopping at Kohl’s today.  She calls me to say, ‘I need to have you order that dress for me online by tomorrow because the sale ends tomorrow, and I just don’t know how you’re going to do that but I suppose I’ll have to get you some numbers.’ So I say, I imagine I’ll go to Kohls.com and we’ll order it up from there.  Then she says, ‘well you don’t have to be a smart ass, you know I don’t know how to do that’.  So I said, thank goodness you know me then, huh.  She can get her email but certainly can’t order a dress.  This ought to be fun.  Not so cute for a 44-year-old.

This little exchange reminded me that this same thing happens when I go to visit my parents.  I better warn you, my parents just got rid of their rotary phone, yes, I said rotary phone.  My Dad’s gigantic remote, you know the one, big as a laptop with numbers the size of China, quit working so I told him I would fix it when I was home.  I asked if he still had the instructions but of course the answer was ‘perhaps in a drawer’.  Well, I knew that was a task I didn’t want to take on as their house has about 736 drawers so I told him I didn’t need them.  I get home, look up the remote on good old Google, find the instructions and reprogram the remote.  It was about 10 minutes of my time, not bad, and Dad was happy.  About a week later my brother calls to tell me he heard Dad talking about me fixing the remote.  Apparently he said “she fixed it in a matter of minutes, you know, she took her computer, plugged the remote into it and it was fixed”.   Now at 80, that’s cute.

Funny Pictures

I’ve been trying to clean up my computer and ran across the following pictures I must have saved for some reason.

How much do you think the car cleaners at the rental car place liked me when I returned this bird poop ridden car?  I dare to bet not much.  My advice, don’t park under the trees in Canada, those birds are brutal.

I wonder if I should have suggested she wear pants when we went fishing with the boys?

I’m not sure what smelting is but I do know what fishing is.  Ummm, you, in the boat, pretty sure that’s a fishing boat and you boys in the hip boots, if that’s smelting, you’re in big trouble!  Funny how people just don’t obey the law anymore.

Don’t ever wear a strapless bra to an entertainment park.  This is the ride from hell at Universal Studios where my strapless bra decided to completely flip down while I was riding next to a perfect stranger.  Attempting to fix it while on the ride was pointless, plus, the guy next to me was wondering what I was doing.  He figured it out pretty quickly when I got off the ride and had to fix it, not something you can really be discreet about it.

Sleepless in Wisconsin III

Whew, we’ve got to stop meeting like this!!  I mean, it’s 1:50 AM and here I am once again on the couch, writing, wondering why I’m not having some spectacular dream (which doesn’t usually happen anyway) and cursing my crappy sleep habits.  Tonight’s non-sleeping issue is especially irritating because I didn’t get off the phone until midnight and didn’t go to sleep until about 12:30.  Yup, 12:30, just over an hour ago.  Yup, 12:30, TODAY!!  This is the craziest damn thing, all I can think of is what the hell is wrong with me….well, could be several things but we’re not going to go there.

This morning I’m thinking that I might be able to find something good on TV or at least something that will put me to sleep but I realize late-night TV is crap….and I mean crap!!

I’m settling on ESPN for once. I did miss some of the highlights as I haven’t been home a lot so this will give me a chance to catch up.

Well, it’s now 3:07 and I’ve caught up on sports, that’s for sure.  After SportsCenter it switched over to NFL Primetime which is SportsCenter on football steroids and now we’re back to SportsCenter.  I have now watched every highlight about 4 times.  Every other show is nothing but SportsCenter, you’re not fooling me.  I’m not sure how guys can watch these things over and over again because he still makes the catch, he still drops the ball,  he still steps out-of-bounds at the one yard line, she still gets fined $2000 for yelling at the ref (really?), he still hit a home run, the damn Vikings still lost and the Gophers coach still has a seizure!!!  How many times do we need to watch the highlights (or lowlights)?

It’s amazing to me how people can watch this stuff over and over and over again and act like it’s the first time they saw it.  Ohhhh, when they come back from the commercial now they’re going to tell me who the best of the best of the best was.  I can’t wait, I bet it’s something I haven’t seen yet……..or not.

I think Jerry Springer is on somewhere, perhaps I should get an ego boost quick before I try to go to bed again.  This show makes my life look like a walk in the park as my parents weren’t cousins, my boyfriend isn’t sleeping with my sister, I’m not pregnant and not sure which of 6 men is my baby’s daddy and I’m not going to lose my shirt on national TV when I get in a fight with my aunt because I’ve been sleeping with her newest husband.  Nevermind, that was enough of an ego boost for me not to have to watch it.

Hey, guess what? Tom Brady threw for over 500 yards and the Vikings lost….haven’t heard that yet tonight!!

Surprise Party

Yesterday we had a surprise party for one of our friends.  Her husband planned it but a bunch of us girls were responsible for keeping her away from home for most of the day.  There were some key elements to pulling this off:

  1. Get together the night before so she thinks nothing will go on two nights in a row.  Stay out until 2:00 AM.
  2. Make the party beans when you get home at 2:15 AM.
  3. Laugh uncontrollably while doing this with your partner in crime (one of the other girls) because  you measure by the handful and make too many beans for the crock pot but ‘make them fit’.
  4. Go to bed at 3:00 AM.
  5. Get up at 6:00 AM to accompany one of the girls because she has to do 5 hair-dos for a wedding.
  6. Fall asleep at her client’s house in the chair….twice….one time jerking awake as you had a dream you were falling.
  7. Get to pedicure appointment around 9:30 to meet up with the other 7 girls.
  8. Allow a very tiny woman to do your toenails and give you a leg ‘massage’.  I use the term massage loosely as I think she’s a dominatrix at her second job.
  9. Laugh the entire time at the salon because we’re a bunch that thinks most everything is funny.
  10. Go to the grocery store and buy $130 worth of food for lunch at my house.  Tip:  Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and thirsty with someone else who is hungry and thirsty.
  11. Spend an hour or so having lunch and drinks.  Tip:  Always have a house that’s presentable in case you decide to invite people over at the last minute.
  12. Move the party out to the country to someone else’s house for drinks and haircuts.
  13. Start panicking at 3:00 as a group as we’re supposed to have the birthday girl to her house in 30 minutes and we don’t have a story yet.
  14. Almost get caught by the birthday girl several times trying to make plans.
  15. Husband calls birthday girl saying he’s going to bbq for everyone at their house.  Bring a can of beans. Well, one can of beans, the leftover lunch food and a cooler are packed to make it look legitimate.  Us laughing at one can of beans almost spilled the beans about the party.  We deserve Emmys.
  16. Arrive at party an hour and a half late.  But the birthday girl is completely surprised.
  17. Eat too much.
  18. Look at hilarious pictures of birthday girl and her family, missing the 80s.
  19. Drink too much.
  20. Talk smart with friends and family.
  21. Sit by the ‘fire’.  It was more of an inferno as we had to sit 25 feet away because it was so huge.
  22. Watch birthday husband fall head first for no reason into a pile of wood in the dark.
  23. Watch husband’s friend ‘check for injuries’ with the light from his cell phone while laughing hysterically.
  24. Go inside to use the bathroom and see birthday relative with no pants on.  Seriously, she was undressing with the door of the bedroom open right inside the door from outside!
  25. Round up 5 people for the trek home at 11:30 because of the trama of the no pants incident.
  26. Laugh all the way home at the stories from the day.
  27. Sleep like a baby.

The key to success was a relaxed day, good friends, a little luck and lots of laughs.

Sidewalk Finds

Two coworkers of mine ran across a pair of dirty (and they meant DIRTY) men’s underwear on the sidewalk in downtown Duluth a couple of weeks ago.  Now, this isn’t really what I was thinking I would write about when I started this blog but we couldn’t help but laugh thinking about the scenarios for why they would be there.   

  • A homeless guy decided that enough was enough, he’d gotten the wear out of them he needed.
  • A drunk had an accident at some point and realized that he couldn’t go on any further without discarding them.
  • Some guy had Mexican for lunch and couldn’t quite make it back to the office.
  • It was laundry day and they were in the basket (God only knows why he would try to salvage these) and they fell out.
  • A homeless guy may have lost them out of a shopping cart or his pocket while he was walking, but again, why was he saving them? From the description the girls gave they were un-salvageable.
  • He could have put them there on purpose to cause just this sort of reaction.  But again, I have to stress, they WERE NOT clean so he would have had to soil them at some point.  I would think anyone would want to hide the evidence, not flaunt it.

 Now, none of these scenarios is a good and here are the reasons why:

  • If someone had been wearing them and decided he couldn’t live with them anymore how in the hell did he get them off?  He would have had to take his shoes and pants off, then the underwear, then put the pants and shoes back on.  All in the middle of the sidewalk.
  • It could have been a cross-dresser and he just slipped them off from under a skirt.
  • If they had been in a laundry basket, there is not a laundry mat anywhere close so he perhaps had to get on a bus, which brings a whole new scenario.
  • The poor Clean and Safe Team, although it may not be the worst thing they’ve ever seen, give these good people a break.

 My advice is throw them away people, bury them in the trash or burn them in the back yard.  There is no need to share them with the world.